Alternate Title: My Big Fat Indian Wedding
The second movie my friend April picked for me is a soccer movie, which I was skeptical about but me wanting to broaden my movie horizons, I said ok sure. I don't like sports movies, I find sports boring so of course I'm gonna find movies about sports boring. I'm not really into soccer, but I'm from America. In England, they consider it their number one sport. Well mayby Cricket is their number one sport. Hm. Anyway, to get to the point, I had to watch this movie and I'm not really happy about it.
The movie starts off with a narrator who sounds like Mike Meyers doing a Scottish impersonation, which has been used in movies like "Shrek" and "So I Married An Axe Murderer". Well, it isn't a narrator really, it's a sports commentator and we are seeing Beckham, who isn't given a first name throughout the entire movie so don't ask me, playing and scoring a big goal. Then next to him is an Indian girl who is all over Beckham. This turns out to be a dream and the Indian girl is just watching Beckham on the "Telly". (I spent about 2 hours with this movie where they all speak in English accents, so it's rubbed off on me, tally-ho!)
The Indian girl is named Jess, which is short for an actual Indian name that I'm not gonna attempt to spell. She really loves soccer or football as they call it across the pond, cheery-o, but her family, being traditional Indian type people, want her to marry a nice Indian fellow and do Indian things like cook Indian food and wear Indian clothes and just sit around the house all day every day for the rest of her life being Indian. In other words, they dissappove of her playing football. And so of course she does it anyway.
While playing at the park she meets up with an English girl, played by Keira Knightly, who went on to be that chick in "Pirates of The Carribean". Since everyone talks in annoying accents, it took me 20 minutes to find out her name is Jules. I thought it was Juice or Jews or Joos or Jaws. Jules sees Jess play and tells her she'd fit in with the woman's football/soccer league she's in. Jess is stunned and sneaks off to their practice where she meets the coach, Joe.
Joe is the Scottish Ethan Hawke or Brad Pitt or whoever you women are lusting after these days. He sees Jess play and accepts her into the league. But she can't tell her family so she makes up a story saying she's got a job somewhere so her family won't be suspecious.
In the midst of all of this Jess' sister is getting married to a proper Indian fellow. I couldn't catch the sister's name, but it was Indian and it was something like Bendi or Bindi or B'ndi. I'm just gonna say her name was Becky. And I'm just gonna say her boyfriend's name was Dave. So Becky and Dave are getting married, but Dave's parents catch Jess with Jules and they thought Jules was a boy and for some reason (don't ask me I'm not Indian) this causes a controversy and the wedding is off.
Also Jules mom isn't very happy that she's playing soccer instead of shopping with girls and screwing around with guys. Of course her dad is happy she isn't doing any of that. Lets see, any other sub plots that need to be said? Oh yeah, Jules is in love with Joe but Joe is starting to fall in love with Jess. Ok, done.
Joe tells the team they're going to Germany to play a game and in order for her to go, Jess tells her family she's off visiting some relative. So they go to Germany, play the Germans and the Germans kick their ass. If only they had American players there, we could save their ass yet again...oh sorry.
Anyway, they accept defeat and they all go out partying anyway and Joe and Jess get rather close when Jules walks in on them and gets pissed. When Jess gets back, she finds out that her family found out. So NOW for sure she won't be able to play again, right?
Well, no. She fakes being sick and when the family leaves to go somewhere, she runs off to play in a game. You'd think the family would be wise to her by now? Well, her dad caught on and went and saw her play and actually thought she was good. But he gets his turban in a tizzy when he sees Jess and Joe getting rather close. And no I wasn't being sterotypical, he wore a turban throughout the movie.
Jess tries to make up with Jules by going to her house but in true "Threes Company" fashion, Jules' mom overhears them and thinks they are lesbian lovers. This really upsets mom. This upset me also cause I knew they weren't lesbians and if they were lesbians that would've made the movie a lot more exciting.
Anyway, Dave's parents decides to let him marry Becky after all and the wedding is back on. But, of course, the wedding is on the same EXACT fuckin' day as the BIG ASS match where an AMERICAN soccer scout is gonna be there and Joe wants both Jules AND Jess there. Well, her family won't let Jess do it so she's out, which depresses Joe. Joe thinks Jess can go somewhere with her playing abilities and tries to talk her dad into it but no dice.
The big day comes and we are bombarded with endless cut away scenes of the wedding and the soccer match while a Indian rap song is playing. Jess' friend, Tony, who is also Indian and gay, which apparently is the biggest taboo ever, convices not only Jess but Jess' dad to play at the match. He says ok fine because you're depressing the hell out of everyone, because she was all sad she was stuck at the wedding.
And, of course, she runs to the match, gets ready in time, of course, and joins the game RIGHT at the beginning of the second half. And, of course, she kicks some ass and, of course, they win. And of course the scout says her and Jules can go to America, go to college and play soccer there. Of course.
This is why I hate sports movies, they're so predictable. I wanna see more movies where the player DOESN'T make it on time, he or she loses, everybody hates them and they end up depressed and lonely. Or maybe I'm just bitter.
Anyway, Jess rushes back to the wedding and then later she has the dilemma of telling her family that she got accepted. Tony tries to help things by saying he's gonna marry her but she comes out and tells everyone the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help us Allah.
After an emotional speech by the father on how he wasn't accepted in a cricket league cause he was Indian, the family finally accepts Jess and her soccer ways. She is overjoyed and rushes to tell Joe, who was up for a big promotion and got it, which means he isn't her coach anymore and they can do the nasty all they want. But Jess shoots him down saying her family just got use to the idea of her playing soccer, if she says he's doing a Irish dude, they'd probably explode or implode, which I think is cooler anyway.
At the airport, Joe gives Jess a goodbye kiss and Jess says, aw hell with it, we'll tell my parents at Christmas. Nice Christmas gift. During the ending credits, we are treated to the cast and crew singing "Hot, Hot, Hot" in Indian. If there was ever a time where I wanted to go deaf it was at that moment.
So I compared this movie somewhat to "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", only because of the families in this and that movie. But the family in "Greek Wedding" was a hell of a lot more tolerable then this family because they accepted the white dude right away. In this movie, it took the entire length of the movie for the family to stop being uptight assholes and let Jess do what she wants to do.
And I was confused about how old everyone was suppose to be. They mentioned it was summer and Jess and Jules got accepted to a college in Santa Monica. But they lived with their parents and they couldn't do much of anything without their parents permission. But yet, they were allowed to drink all they want. Plus that guy Joe looked to be about in his late 20's, so I dunno I was extremely confused throughout the whole movie.
As for Beckham, I really didn't know who Beckham was when this movie was out in theaters and it wasn't until recently I heard about him. Apparently, he's having some trouble with his wife or girlfriend. Apparently, they don't like the way he bends it.
Oh, well love, let's take the tram to the lorry while buying some knickers, shall we? Tally-ho!
1 star.
"Bend It Like Beckham" on IMDb.com:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0286499/