vaguely
as if they were days
when the fog hangs low
in the valley
seeping into cracks and crevasses
lifting only occasionally
in odd moments
of the night
when the world is silent
and I walk alone
in the almost eerie light
cast by the moon
reflecting off each individual drop
of moisture
that hangs in the air
and clings to my skin
or at random times
as I wander blindly
through the haze
in the half light of day
as the sun fights
desperately
to penetrate its thick
pervasive veil
and for a moment
I am allowed to see
the image of a clearing
in the dark woods I walk through
only for the moment
to be immediately
swallowed up
again
by the fog
those were days
when I screamed
hanging my legs
out my bedroom window
on the second story
sitting naked
as I looked out
into the night
those days
he didn�t know
couldn�t understand
I didn�t want to take my life
just because hers
was taken from me
I wanted to live
and I didn�t know
what he thought
those days
he was afraid
he shoveled his pain
into a ditch
six feet deep
buried it so far down
that he couldn�t see it
clearly
it remained
close to his heart
shooting roots
into the soft flesh
making him scream
out of pain
"my daughter will not fail"
although
he did no better
I gripped this pain
looked it in the face
talked to it
screamed at it in rage
danced with it
listened to the horror
of its strange music
words I thought
I would never have to hear
and I didn�t know
what I was doing
and he
couldn�t comprehend
those days
a madness
possessed us all
our house
like a psycho ward
full of disillusions
none of us thought clearly
those days
he didn�t sleep
his eyes glued
to the screen
that linked him
to an imaginary world
of cards and words
an escape
from the reality
he didn�t want
to come to terms with
those days
he came and left
as the water
of the ocean
at midnight
when no one is around
to notice
where it goes
those days
he claimed
"I don�t believe
in tears"
but constantly worked
to repair the dam
that held his tears back
and kept his spirit locked
in the deep
dark
murky waters
trapped right
behind his eyes
too afraid
to swim there
not knowing
what sort of horrifying creature
might be lurking
waiting
right beneath the surface
to drag him down
to the depths of its lair
where he would never
see the light again
those days
my tears refused
to be dammed
I barely tried
didn�t want to try
didn�t want
to do anything
but cry
nothing mattered
those were the days
of soda pop
and video games
medicine?
maybe not
those days
everything was strange
and alien
not normal
not right
a mother
a wife
snatched
like a precious diamond
never to be returned
to its rightful owner
�Feb.2002
Andrea M. Horvath
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