It's a well known fact that rabid monkeys have taken control of an animatronic George W in order to prevent the release of the real Dale Earnhardt autopsy photos. Their short-term goal is first take control of FEMA followed by the corruption of circus midgets in order to Why FEMA you ask? It's very simple you see FEMA was formed after the Roswell crash as an organization that can suspend all Human Rights and the Constitution to be able to facilitate mind control of the masses via micro-wave harrassment, turning otherwise lawful and sane citizens into people that watch Who wants to be a Millionaire because it is the goal of Regis Philbin to fake yet another moon landing. Meanwhile, back at City Hall plans were being drawn up for the city water to be filled with Arsenic at 49 parts per million, by the Museum Curators of America. Also in an effort to keep a lid on the whole "Kennedy's Frozen Head" scandal they changed the name of KFC back to Kentucky Fried Chicken to avert the public eye from the KFH because JFK Jr. and Lady Di are still alive, hiding in Area 51 (where else?). And of course this all relates to the Sphinx by way of Paul McCartney, who was replaced in the mid-sixties via a top-secret British cloning experiment, masterminded by Adolf Hitler who is still hiding out in Argentina with Judge Crater, who, since he was appointed to the judiciary for life, can secretly make any judgements needed by the true masters of the world The Boy Scouts of America, who are mutilating cattle in order to terrorize American farmer's so that food production can remain in the hands of Paul McCartney, who’s trying to make a burger. A burger big enough for the new improved GIANT ELIVIS PRESLEY. Elvis is about to stage a comeback so that he can return America to the days of the drive-in and increase gas consumption so the Big Oil companies can make enough money to buy those little tiny outfits for their monkeys that have taken control of an animatronic George W.

(New theory nonrelated to first)

I heard the other day that Morton Downey Jr. rose from the grave in order to prove that he is the direct descendant of Jesus Christ. Once this is certain, the Rosicrucians will steal your kidney to sell to the Robotic Pirates Of The Carribean, who were created by the frozen, disembodied head of Walt Disney to facilitate the replacement of the Overlords' anal probes with the Terran land vehicles known as Ford Probes; Ford Motor Company is, of course, secretly owned by Mike Myers, whose Austin Powers movies were actually coded messages telling us to randomly interfere in the affairs of third world countries, in order to accomplish a unified world government, giving them the opportunity to install the Trilateral Commission as World Commissars so that they can use secret codes in MTV broadcasts to signal their Martian Overlords that the time is ripe to invade Earth and harvest our brains in order to make a spackle-like substance to fill in the hole in the ozone layer, that developed during the 1980's career of the band Cinderella so that when their music is played backwards, it tells us to report the goings-on of our relatives to Larry King, because he is secretly dead, from a lethal combination of Coke and Pop Rocks. The man we see on CNN is actually Zardoz, as predicted by the Sean Connery film where he wears red diapers, who was created by a freak accident involving a truck load of banannas, a school bus and a black limousine which were all on their way to Buckingham Palace, where the cast of Survivor were performing gruesome Satanic rituals in an attempt to influence the outcome of Survivor II. They were unsuccessful because one key individual's tinfoil hat was askew, in order to conceal the small, but deadly man-eating bunny with sharp pointy little teeth from the Search for the Holy Grail, who was on a secret mission to crossbreed the Loch Ness Monster with Bigfoot in order to create a super-monster which can be used to terrorize Tokyo! But he'll be defeated in the last reel by a fumble-fingered projectionist who burns a hole in the film, causing zionist freemasons to riot, vandalizing the theater and spreading peanut butter and jelly all over the naked flesh of Farrah Fawcett, who is secretly an Alien Grey sent here by Krispy Original to lead us down to the Hollow Earth, where all Mankind can frolic and romp and play under the guidance of the Black Helicopter salesmen, whose latest innovation involves harsh, odorless chemicals, to be released on the population via 'chemtrails' which will have the unexpected side effect of killing off every single pest known to man, causing the moderators of this board to lose their jobs for lack of trolls and annoyances. They all have to get jobs at Starbucks, where where they will learn that the secret ingredient in Starbucks coffee is a bizzare combination of cocaine, saltpeter, arsenic and florides which can resurrect the dead, such as George Bush, who has been replaced by an animatronic robot Meanwhile, back at the ranch Euty and the other moderators in an attempt to start a communist revolution in Cuba do the unthinkable and A UFO lands in the backyard demanding to meet the person responsible for maintence of the voting booths in Dade County, Florida because Amedeus had just shown up there and fucked up someone's great pitch for him to make fun of the mods and was alleging that his father was the ghost of Kylie Minogue, who was at the time in the Bermuda Triangle (how'd we miss this one?) where Robert Stack was filming another episode of "Unsolved Mysteries" about Jim Morrison was on the grassy knoll whether or not it was Jim Morrison on the grassy knoll before Mr. Rogers using his Korean War sniper experience to shoot Archduke Franz Ferdinand, perpetrating posing as Arthur Zimmerman had just dashed off a telegram to Mexico that said I'm changing my name to Robert, and then to Bob Dylan, in order to use folk music to infiltrate the California Dried Plum Board (formally the California Prune Board), so that I can preserve the prunes for hundreds of years via pyramid power, thus facilitating the takeover of Egypt by  George Bush, who had been replaced by an animatronic robot. Incidentally, the robot's circuitry was made by Microsoft and the DoJ which are both incidentally owned by Elvis, who's secret identity (when he's not an Elvis Impersonator) is George Bush, who had been replaced by an animatronic robot it seems that years of singing left him unable to speak clear english and also unable to make love to his alien wife, therby delaying the invasion, resulting in the very fabric of existance is unraveling like sub-standard cloth! -A Quintison is a five-way interstellar war between all the aliens controlling the earth. In the ensuing chaos the Queen, who is of course a reptile, lashes out at D.B. Cooper, because now that he lost all the money the Queen will have to marry the alien overlords in order to prevent Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor from mis-using large fonts to throw at Krispy Original, in a fashion similar to the Shurkens used by Bruce Lee, who was raised from the dead by Tina Yothers, who still being upset about her fall from fame needs Bruce to help her carry out her plans for a Family Ties/Green Hornet TV reunion special because The Dukes Of Hazzard Reunion pleased Cecil Adams so much that he shit his pants. They wanted to please the master to a further extent and actually make him distracted enough to release the trance-like hold that he has over the wife of Ed Zotti because everyone at the Chicago Reader was using Orbital Microwave Mental (OMMTM) devices to force SDMB users to donate all your bases because they belong to us, which gives them the ability to annoy linguists the world-over. In retaliation, theyuse their connections to force George W. Bush, the animatronic robot, to mistakenly sell Aegis-class cruisers to mainland China INSTEAD of Taiwan, which immediately uses them to launch pink kitten-darian00 is an agent with an awesome ability to foil his foes with the flick of one finger, accomplished while drinking his signature cocktail, the singapore sling (shaken, not stirred). Tomahawk TLAMs at Japan and South Korea because of a menacing. an illegal alien in a rubber monster suit, smashing Tokio and Seoul. Unfortunately, the TLAMs veer off-course, striking the bloated, horrifying mass of vulgar flesh that is Sally Struthers, resulting in an ocean of tears that inundates Ms. Struther's Learn At Home University, & floods New Jersey, which nobody missed anyways because recently, the Carolinas declared war on them because New Jersey is whipping them in the playoffs, which makes everyone realize that New Jersey *is* pretty cool, beguiling Congress to forget all about them and commence plans to build a new animatronic robot to replace George W. Bush in four years, as the Al Gore one is getting a tad rusty. However, the designers of the new model are software engineers from Redmond, Washington, and they forgot to inform the NSA to tell the blue aliens that the software package onboard the prototype robot would  look and sound a lot like Dr. Laura. Accordingly, all the people out there "shacking up" form an angry mob and feeding salt licks to the deer, causing a massive change in the salinity of run-off, which, combined with Sally Strother's tears, radically raises ocean salinity. disturbed, Aquaman who leaves the lovenest he shares with the little mermaid who becomes so angry, she unleashes a horde of rabid sea monkeys which devour every last plankton in the world's oceans. Which wouldn't really be a problem, except it caused the ice cream and perfume industries to go bankrupt for lace of agar. The resulting financial panic for lack of a car Allowed Planters™ to gain a monopoly. Antitrust laws being what they are, however, made  it almost impossible for someone from L.A. to mock a Redwings fan, but that is besides the point. The real point is that the anti-trust also caused all cans of Tuna-safe dolphin to become SDMB moderators, so they could infiltrate the head office of Industrial Light and Magic and designed an animatronic robot, who replaced George Bush. Meanwhile, in Anaheim, Grandma had her hands full beating off the Indians. The Indians reverent in their ancient traditions, whip out their Citibank (TM) Visa cards and attempt to "charge it" so they can keep cash and afford to  buy back Long Island for $26, plus a few centuries of compund interest at 8.625%. They, oddly, succeed, and the residents of Long Island are are running willy nilly through the streets after seeing Oprah do a piece on  . how Earth Day is really a Communist plot - falling on Lenin's birthday and all - to which George W. responded by  cunning strategery (think about that one). And using his brilliant connections, he had Cheney doing the hokey pokey while accepting bribes from YoyoDyne Propulsion Systems to cover up the fact that Doctor Lazardo has replaced Buckaroo's overdrive oscillator with evil, pure and simple, from the eight dimension!! Recent news from Planet 10 has it that the phrase "Klaatu Barada Nikto" is actually the true name of God, which, when translated, really means "Yes, we have no bananas." Reverend Fred Phelps is  running in terror from Godzilla, King Of The Monsters, who has risen from the sea in a berzerker rage. Crushing all past, present and future animatronic robot copies of George W. Bush, the radioactive dinosaur rampages on to Big Bob's Trampoline Depot, and, with an animatronic George W. clinging to his toenail, is rocketed into space until he landed at the alleged site of Tranquility Base, proving once and for all, that the moon landings were real, but the moon LAUNCHES were faked! Meanwhile, CNN's Larry King reported quitting CNN and moving to a Carribean lovenest with Marlon Brando, Marion Barry, and Milton Berle, after having a dream in which Jesus revealed to him what everyone already knew: he (Larry King) is a fawning toady hack, the third Lourdes prophecy predicted the burst of the dotcom bubble, and the 7th dimension to implode turning all jello stripey so that little kids would refuse to eat it. This creates a huge supply problem at elementary school cafeterias, where the cafeteria ladies have to hold jello wrestling parties to use up the surplus. Finalists Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears breasts are indistinguishable from the jello, being made of the same substance, causing great confusion, so they settle the dispute with a Robot Wars, using of all things, animatronic George W. Bushes as bludgeons, attempting to destroy them once and for all! The contest is ultimately declared a draw, which, frankly, makes for lousy TV, so Larry King's producers decide to do an entire show in French, during which Larry King interview the Tri-Lateral Commission AND the Illuminati, who reveal their insidious plot to duplicate SDMB posts, thus choking the system until the only thread surviving is the complex plot-revealing randomly built thread. 
 It was December of 1987. The horse known more commonly as Mr. Ed was insidiously plotting his revenge by conspiring with George H.W. Bush (daddy) to take control of rabid monkeys so they could strap on jetpacks and join the Secret Agent Rocket Monkey Brigade, a U.N. covert ops team whose mandate ncludes, but is not limited to ensuring that J. Danforth Quayle would be taken seriously as a vice-presidential candidate, which they would do by getting Zsa Zsa Gabor to slap the face of ant newsmanwho ridiculed him until Jimmy Hoffa rose from the dead, as new MEGASUPERHOFFA, an iron giant with the capability to influence the teamsters and he realized that his mouth was stuffed full of peanut butter, provoking him to go "munch, munch, munch" on the dust bunnies, causing the bunnies to become enraged and retaliate by writing inane Hollywood scripts, where-in historical icons would be forced to dance with vapid pop-culture icons like Britney Spears and Christina Augilera. Subsequently, Pepsi decides to use one for marketing, and sex with soda-can injuries rises dramatically proving for once and for all that it's only fun until someone loses an eye. Meanwhile, beyond the grassy knoll, Oral Roberts was about to be called "home" if he didn't raise enough money to .  revive this thread, according to the will of god, to which he claims access through his animatronic George W. Bush, which was last seen combing the Straight Dope for Freemason passwords under the name Starbury in order to bury Starbucks with his star power. The cross star-bury-bucks-ination melts In your mouth but not in Area 57, where "they" keep the secrets to Coca Cola, The Colonel's recipe and the true identity of Cecil Adams, who is also known as Sven! However, this proved to be irrelevant to "them", as they proceeded to celebrate Cinco de Mayo by performing unholy satanic rituals involving avacodoes and Mercutio, who rather enjoyed the revenues from the tapes sold of the event which were used to finance the satanic church, having first been laundered by Procter and Gamble, which is owned by the evil "Hatt Baby" who has never in his entire life known the pleasure and the pain of getting a Brazilian wax while translating the hidden messages in every episode of Becker, which show that the X Files is not fiction, and Fox Muldar is an alter ego for Beowulf, who survived the fight and become immortal so he could carry the great key to open Al Capone's real tomb, which contains a map to the best take-away Chinese place in East Peoria, which was once a secret dopository for illegally cloned SDMB moderators, after failing to take over Cuba, then decided to attempt to kill as many of the Communist Party's leaders in China with poisoned Godiva chocolates and Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies. The success or faliure of the plan depends on keeping this thread open for as long as possible, thus taking the "lengthiest thread" title away from "Guy-Stuff" so we can learn Aramaic in five minutes a day, restore a bright shiny finish to our alibi, and conquer Yugoslavia with three teddy bears and a leaky barrel of Echinacea oil, which is well-known as being highly effective in curing cancer, heart disease, diabetes, paralysis, the common cold and dandruff. Proof of this wondrous cure-all has been documented by Marilyn Vos Savant, who then attempted to improve on the existing robotic animatronic George Bushes by intorducing a new line of moisturizing hand cream, which slowly transforms the users into pop-idols. The ultimate goal of turning the populace into a bunch of Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake wannabees is succeeding, although mostly among the 16-25- bracket because most of these people secretly want to be in a band. The alarming rise of groups such as Eden's Crush; Dream; and LFO is one of the top 20 signs of the Apocalypse, according to "Billboard" magazine which also predicted .that Greenland would conquer the world in 1997. This prediction was false, of course, a rumor started by the Icelandic Republican Army. But when their fiendish plan failed, they all moved to Ireland where they were pleased that they didn't have to change the monograms on their new blazers. And speaking of handerchiefs, one was found with the name Amelia Earhart embroidered on it near Stone Henge, which could only mean that Uri Geller is conspiring with the Bavarian Illuminati to finally reveal what really happened in Lizzie Borden's house and prove that is was actually a spoon that inflicted the mortal injuries and not the so called 'axe', there by explaining that Mary Poppins' song about "a Spoonful of Sugar" was actually early Goth Rock, and "Let's Go Fly A Kite" was really about Jack Chick, whose tracks are actually communications between the International Communist Conspiracy and "actor" Timothy Dalton, who is actually undercover for seven years, in a research project to determine the real ingredient list for Twinkies. It's not what you think. But unfortunately, he was discovered in the remains of the Confederate sub Hunley, which was recently brought to the surface off Charleston by one-hundred fifty thousand genetically modified minnow, and a goldfish or two. This technology has recently been declassified by the Pentagon and sold to a company in Redmond, Washington. Because of this you can soon expect to be paying well over $3.00 a gallon for the Helsinki Formula specially formulated to help stop men with foot fetishes. This has hindered their plan to return the currency to the gold standard, although the Illuminati would prefer that the currency of the United Stated be tied to the value of platinum. In another conspiracy theory, illegally cloned SDMB moderators, succeeding in having killed off most of the leaders of China's Communist party, then planned to return the currency to the gold standard, although the Illuminati would prefer that the currency of the United Stated be tied to the value of platinum. In another conspiracy theory, illegally cloned SDMB moderators, succeeding in having killed off most of the leaders of China's Communist party, then planned to return the currency to the gold standard, although the Illuminati would prefer that the currency of the United Stated be tied to the value of platinum. In another conspiracy theory, illegally cloned SDMB moderators, succeeding in having killed off most of the leaders of China's Communist party, then planned to clog up the SDMB with multi-posts and long-running threads. This hideous plan was off to a good start when the newly thawed, disembodied head of Walt Disney, who now calls himself Chthulu was seen hitchhiking down Interstate 80 according to John Crankshaw, 42, of Peoria, Illinois. Official sources deny Crankshaw's claims as "preposterous," "unfounded in reality," and a "shitwagon full of shit." The entity which hides several responses to a thread thereby tricking unsuspecting mermaids into posting a seemingly out of order reply which ultimately signals the start of absolutely nothing of any significance, actually. However, back at the megaultrasuperdupersecret Masonic Temple in the fabled underwater city of Atlantis, "gry" is revealed to be the Middle Part of the Beginning of the Last Days of Middle Earth, as predicted by Nostradamus, channeling through Socks, the ex-White House cat, who told Pres. Clinton that the 2001 Summer Olympics that, of course, FOX will be broadcasting the event on a delayed feed which means that we won't be able to see any of it until mid-November between 2 and 5 a.m. All you need to do in order to force the network to broadcast live is contact your congressional representatives and demand that the works of Kilgore Trout become standard reading material in schools, for the purpose of introducing "cat's cradle" as the National String Game, sending the yo-yo faction packing, as everyone knows cat's cradle is an ancient tradition stated by aliens from Mexico who crossed the border illegally to escape the curse of the Chupacabra. Unfortunately they have also brought with them a fatal Mexican disease that, if spread through out the North American public, will result in the average IQ dropping 25 points. This will please the American Association to Elect Dan Quayle for President. The AAEDQP, flagging due to the success of a certain simian-controlled animatronic construct, has been lacing campaign contribution envelopes with traces of RU-486 in orer to lower the birth rate of the middle class (who are more likely to lick envelopes manually than use a postage meter) and subequently shrink the size of the democratic voting bloc. With the public voting republican in larger numbers than ever before in history, the government will finally elect a Libertarian to the Presidency. At the Inaugural Ball, the new President will be revealed to be Howdy Doodytm, the puppet controlled by Cecil Adams himself. Under the grandfather clause, all members of the SDMB would become  "enlisted" for secret medical testing using radioactive materials and strangely colored sports drinks. The ultimate purpose for this testing is to zap honest godfearing men of their precious bodily fluids, thereby rendering our women . mute and finally suitable to engage in procreational activities with either JDT or his alternate. The women of the SDMB rose up and poisoned JDT, and his duplicates, with Milano cookies and Godiva chocolates, because we would not give it up for some putz who thinks it a good idea to powersuck a woman's breast. After learning Aramaic in 5 minutes a day, we then put a curse on JDT's soul, and those of his disciple and duplicates. We then sprinkle the corpses with specially prepared Atlantean incense and holy water, so that such evil never again walk the earth. After we set the corpses on fire immediately solving the California energy shortage, but an unforseen consequence was Mass amounts of fecal matter filtering into the water supply but this could be prevented by The Church of the Subgenius, whose members are quite skilled in the ways of kinky entertainment, and therefore hundreds of mud/Jell-O/poo/whatever wrestling establishments were created across the country, which allowed for the sending of subliminal messages delivered through the tattoos on the privates of the wrestlers which tell people what WWF really stands for, and the implications for George W Bush. Anyone can use statistics to promote anything. With a blinding flash of recognition, society at large opts to think rather than adhere to what "4 out of 5 doctors" recommend, thereby running the pharmaceutical and advertising industries out of business. Deprived of work and drugs, hoards of enraged marketing majors  unable to recognize reality except as another drug-maddened used-car commercial, wrap themselves in little triangular pennants cleverly smuggled into the country by AOL chatroom users which results in the preference of 4 out of 5 dentists to prevent SDMB multi-posts. The fifth dentist, who in reality was Dana Plato, re-animated by the Daughters of the American Revolution to lead their jihad against the Vogon constructor fleet, which at this very moment is.writing an epic poem on the virtues of the shut down of the slave market in West Virginia . which will bring the production of dried apple headed dolls to a screeching halt, there by accomplishing the last preparatory phase of the Post Office's plan to attack UPS & Fed Ex with Giant Atomic Lawn Darts. The resulting chaos will cripple these firms, lead to an upsurge in the sale of Andy Williams records, and  the eventual triumph of the Publisher's Clearing House!! VIVA LA REVOLUTION!! After the Earth is infused with PCH junk-mail, the grays will proceed with their plan to take down the 12 secret rulers of the World replacing them with an Artificial un-intelligence known as The Great Karnak, played by Johnny Carson and revealed to be the love child of Cher and Bigfoot, whose crack-cocaine induced frenzy with an electric nail gun resulted in the perforation of James Arness of Gunsmoke, who was, in reality jerry mathers who, as we all know, was deeply involved in the creation of the animatronic George W Bush. Meanwhile, back in Area 51, the real Al Gore (not the animatronic one that we've seen on TV) is secretly plotting his revenge, which involves large quantities of beer and economic data. Drunken financial analysts emboldened by the incessant pronouncements of Alan Greenspan, declare the Worldwide Peoples' Capitalist Republic, and furiously denounce the 'democratic obstructionism' of governments. In the confusion, an agent of the True Hacker Underground steals the main fuses from all of the members of the SEC, revealing them to be animatronic robots. "President" Bush went in for a major overhaul after it was revealed by Cecil Adams that "he" is the stupidest President in history. However, the overhaul failed because  Redmondian Anamatronics Engineers accidentally replaced OEM Corporate-sanctioned parts with generic GPL parts. This allowed the Open-Source underground to  engineer a political defection and greatly advance the cause of the Upstart Forty-Two. (fnord) Meanwhile, the CIA-implanted cetaceans in Mexico are in peril due to the incompetence of their  Greenpeace Generalissimo Pablo (Paco) Jimenez, who, while in a pot-induced frenzy, commandeered a Schwinn and pedaled about the countryside, declaring  that 'anything else would be different!' while distributing little tracts labeled 'Please Clean Up This Planet Or We'll Be Really Disappointed' on one side and 'Jesus saves, but Moses makes incremental backups!' on the other.  The masses, revolted by this confusion of their hopes and dreams, moved instead toward the Free-Range Libertarian School of Thought, completely unaware that they were simply abandoning one tentacle of the Great Conspiracy for another.  And indeed it came to pass. For, foolishly believing that the 'cathode rays' emitted by their television tubes were completely harmless as advertised, they sank into the over-friendly embrace of their couches, and they watched  Seinfeld! And Roseanne! And Wheel Of Fortune! (All TM  And the Lords of Hollywood saw that thier coffers fill to over flowing, and they rubbed their scaly claws with glee, for they were, in fact . Fond of screwing-up posts and failing to preview. But additionaly, and more frightening, they were responding to the puppet masters, whose unholy plan to wipe out everyone's memory of anything that took place more than 90 days ago . late bulletin  more than 2 years ago, which was just the third step in the sinister seven step plot. The seventh step is too horrible for (human) words, but it was recently discovered that step four The combination of Cal Ripken, Jr. hitting a home run in his final All-Star Game appearance, and Dale Earnhart, Jr. winning a NASCAR race where his father had died earlier in the year. Many people point out the the All-Star Game took place in the city of Seattle, which is just outside of the town of Redmond, which  is run entirely by cyborgs built by bill gates, and operating on the operating system made by  lurkers of the SDMB, who run a secret underground drug ring in the small Mexican town of Miguel Aleman, where the residents lock their doors after sundown in fear of the infamous  Avon ladies, who come out at night armed with various lotions and perfumes to 'improve your life' by forcibly  because Avon and Mary Kay in a plot to take over the world and put every other cosmetics company in the world out of business, by adding mass quantities of a chemical created in area 51 which will give eveyone pimples and an irresistible craving for skin-so-soft and rouge in little pots.  This will make it possible for Dubya to be relected in a landslide victory by . Acne-scarred victims of the cosmetics industry, when he pledges to support Federal funding of "Zit Wars", a high-tech plan to have orbiting lasers zap zits on every face (unless you vote wrong ). This results in all-time high numbers of young voters registering as Republicans. The Democrats and Greens derail his grandiose scemes by  by running television ads declaiming, "Skin cancer is evyone's problem. Don't try to cover it up," and (while showing Photoshopped pictures of Argentinean cows in sunglasses) linking the spread of skin cancer to the spread of the ozone hole to the Trilateral-Commission-oil-indutstry-Republican-led abrogations of the Kyoto Treaty, while saying absolutely nothing about the effects of the chemtrails emitted by the UFOs as they leave their secret bases under the Antarctican icecap while they continue to replace Antarctic base scientists with replicants, then have them airlifted out for "medical emergencies," while they keep the original scientists oh, go ahead freeze dried in the white house, for continued study into their possibly alien genetic makeup, while the anamatronic George W .  is secretly consumed with masterminding the takeover of the SDMB by starting several sing-along threads in hope that this will give him a head start on taking over the world. Meanwhile, the United States Postal Service is merely    .mailing out false staements from the IRS who is actually attempting .  using supercomputers to prove that pi and the square root of negative one are actually the SAME number. Once this insidious calculation is complete, income taxes will be dramatically increased in order to fund the creation of special "double blank" scrabble tiles, which contain a special microchip in them that is used for  that is used to control the Black Helicopters that will shortly be flying by YOUR home in order to  spy on you while you eat your take-out worm-infested McDonalds hamburgur to see if . . . your hambugrer is tainted with either E Bola virus from the raw sewage being pumped into the ocean, or Foot and Mouth disease brought over by the English to start an agricultural war because of our misuse of the . . . alien technology given to us (for an undisclosed price) by the Greys. Meanwhile, Britney Spears' corporate  maintain that she is NOT[/] the love child of Michael Jackson and Barbara Striesand. DNA samples provided for proof of this, however, have been "lost". Little does the public know that these samples are now in Hitler's secret Bolivian hideaway where scientists are feverishly combining her DNA with the DNA of an albino llama in order to provide Britney Hair for mass production from mutant llamas, which would allow the Sony cartel to team up with wigmakers in order to  PS: it was the NSA who forced me to post a duplicate post; their Department of Redundancy Department has placed a secret subliminal message in ONE of the two AIEEEEEE!!!  "We have met the enemy, and he is us!" - Pogo (yes I DO have a copy of that cartoon!)  Institutions are in a moral sense impotent unless they are supported by the sense of responsibility of living individuals. - Albert Einstein  see BPBob sing!: http://fly.to/batteredpigs   quote:   Originally posted by BPBob   provide Britney Hair for mass production from mutant llamas, which would allow the Sony cartel to team up  with wigmakers in order to Help in next reincarnation of the purest form of true evil known to humankind: Cher, the Britney Spears of the last 35 years.  Meanwhile, back in rural Dorset, England, large crop circles have been discovered to have been made by what, I can't be the first to mention crop circles, can I?  aliens posing as bored, unemployed farm-workers with lots of two-by-fours and even more time on their hands. They were attempting to "cover their tracks" because a few people had actually discovered that Ron Jeremy was actually responsible for 96% of all alien anal probes reported to ufologists. This could only lead to . mass hysteria as the Ron-Jeremy-loving-Communists rioted against the alien farmers, claiming that JFK Jr. was actually the person who rolled the rock away from Jesus's tomb in an attempt to  fatally confound the development of humanity, channelling it into Approved Areas, and boosting the Gullibility Rating to 11. However, this worked too well, and the Greys Quickly developed a new advertising campaign, designed to lead our soft and lazy minds into  accepting the real Al Gore - the one with the beard - as the next  .release (AlGore 4.1) from the laboratory of Bill Gates where the mole men are beginning the next phase of  the next phase of the Agulear/Speers dominastion of teen boys and simple-minded mid-life-crisis men. The plan involves . spelling correctly, which is aided by not trying to type will on the phone with Dell tech support. Tech supports role in this plan is  To cause as much confusion, false information, and frustration as possible. This, of course, makes Tech Support the natural sworn enemy of the SDMB, whose members  eschew obfiscation  and engineer the abduction of Chronos, who is not going back to college, but is really  withdrawing from society in order to work on the master plan of all evil scientists: To take over the world! Meanwhile, back in the subterranean levels of the Pentagon  I the vending machine is out of Fresca. This so enrages the Joint Chiefs of the Staff that they order an immediate military strike against  BARNEY, who ironicly is an aged and well-disguised Elvis. The strike ordered by the JCS finally puts to rest one long-standing rumor, however, radioactive fallout from the strike spawns a mutant strain of super-intelligent, rabid monkeys who control the animatronic George W. Bush, which causes insipent deja vu, while unleashing droves of savage flesh-eating oranges that implant mind control chips which  "Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?" get people addicted to the internet. Once people are so preoccupied with the internet, the conspiracy is free to create new flavors of sodas like pepsi twist and code red mountain dew, the spike them with mind altering drugs just for the fun of it, this will create a market for  quote:   Originally posted by anya marie   create new flavors of sodas like pepsi twist and code red mountain dew, the spike them with mind  altering drugs just for the fun of it, this will create a market for more Britney Hair (tm us pat off) which will cause a repulsive unisex fashion upsurge, which engenders Institutions are in a moral sense impotent unless they are supported by the sense of responsibility of living individuals. - Albert Einstein  see BPBob sing!: http://fly.to/batteredpigs massive nausea in the older generation. Threatened with death by drowning in geriatric vomit, the Greenpeace decides to Release hordes of winged monkey's over major Metropolitan areas to .  to promote the new crossover movie "Planet of the Oz". If all goes as planned the Japanese will send a horde of Elvis impersonators to  to take over Area 51, where the winged monkeys have been captured by  enormous flypaper strips. Ironicly, the flypaper was first designed by the same Japanese company that brought us  the Salad Spinner, the first in a line of parody appliances made real. The public lost all sense of scepticism, and was more than willing to support JoJo the Psychic, Heraldo Rivera, Microsoft and the 2000 Presidential Campaign. The Rabid Mutant Flying Monkeys chittered in glee as they Created the next Miss Cleo commercial, and made her into a zombie which only they could control, immune to poisons and conventional weapons. Research on this zombie's fatal flaw was being conducted by Cecil and the SDMB Mods who found a way to eliminate the Cleocreature by Releasing ALAR into the apple orchards of Patagonia, thus appeasing the dastardly Quezinarts Family there who's aim it is to  Posted by Michael Ellis on 09-22-2001 08:38 PM make sure the evil French plot involving Laetitia Casta and a box of Snickers bars continues to  fester in the minds of food-channel programming-directors the world over. Celebrity chefs (heck, celebrity anythings) were swiftly compromised, and most walked unknowingly into the maw of the Great Conspiracy. Emeril  psycho chef and chief programmer of the Warren Christopher Living Mumification System Operation {WacLust), decided the time was ripe for  Pizza! Unfortunately, there was no pizza to be had, so everyone had to make-do with tomato sauce & cheeze-wiz on motzah (sp?), which really pissed Emiril off, so he decided to  Damn! This thread just won't die  become Mark Serlin, a genetically-engineered disaster area whose only purpose was to corrupt innocent young minds through the use of the constant repetition of Nsync/Backstreet Boys/98 Degrees/O Town/whatever new boy band is out right now records on the radio, which, when played backwards, outline an incredibly devious plot using diet sodas to  . carbonte their young minds. Unfortunately, the job ticket confused 'carbonate' with 'carbonize', which led to an excess of cerebral charring, and a subsequent upsurge in teenage smoking. The Evil Tobacco Would-be Cartel seized the oppurtunity to join forces with the really evil Microsoft Cartel, which led to "New Windows", which was planned on being the next best thing but was pulled by orders from above by none other than the Institution for the Betterment of Winged Monkeys who felt that this project endangered their plan for the forcible takeover. One of only 19 People to have been personally welcomed by the great Uncle Cecil Instead of studying for finals why not take the week off in the Bahamas? You might fail but you might have failed anyways and thats my point. television's Psychic Network. Meanwhile, deep inside the Rocky mountains, the NORAD computer has hatched a plan to  quote:   Originally posted by Mobius74   television's Psychic Network. Meanwhile, deep inside the Rocky mountains, the NORAD computer has  hatched a plan to Assimilate Brittney Spears into the collective, along with both of the Bush's. This is expected to cause a meltdown when Jenna spills Popov into the nuclear reactor. Disaster is averted when  cause sightings of flying ocelots by Uri Gellar, also known as Fred Mertz, to level off pending the activation of the Viagra-crazed Bob Dole, who had been hiding in his lair in downtown Topeka with . Fred Phelps, Osama bin Laden, Elvis, Jimmy Hoffa, the Spice Girls, the Energizer Bunny, Magilla Gorilla, George Jetson, and the Banana Split Gang  where they are all pilots in the Black Helicopter Squadron, and they left under the dark of the moon to carry out their secret mission of Flying to trailer parks and fertilizing the women there to further their own insidious agenda of  expanding the Jerry Springer audience exponentially while ensuring an ever-expanding selection of guest-lunatics for the show. Surgical implantation of GPS locators in the skulls of these mindless drones will allow the Springer Consortium to  Finally prove that the uncertainty principle applies to Springer Guests. This will open the door for maunufacturing the first thermo-stupidity bomb. When Fred Phelps posts the plans on his website, the World Dental Coalition, in conjunction with Special Agent Lemming of the BDA, decides  .to secretly replace the animatronic robot by George W. Bush himself. The replacement is permitted by the rabid monkeys, who can no longer afford the upkeep on the robots because the price of 3-in-1 oil has been inflated due to  Price speculation by sewing machine manufacturers. The New Animatronic President (NAPtm), having been built by dentists, looks suspiciously like a young Jimmy Carter. Meanwhile, the old Jimmy Carter was last seen  disguising himself as a rabbit and hopping through the Chicago Merchantile Exchange naked while singing 'Onward Christian Soldiers' and holding a copy of The Hitchiker's guide tom the galaxy, which then causes a spontaneous combustion of  total apathy in the beholding masses.