jokes

An engineer dies and is waiting outside the pearly gates of Heaven to meet with St. Peter. Once he arrives at the front of the line, St. Peter looks through his book and says to the engineer, "Well, it says here that you lived your life as an Atheist, and renounced the name of god untill the day of your death. I'm sorry, but youll have to go to Hell." So the engineer goes to Hell and meets with Satan and all the damned souls, he starts to build an office and an air conditioner, plus other things. One day Satan is walking by and feels the cool breeze coming out of the engineers office and walks in, they get to chatting and Satan asks,"How did you get an air conditioner?"
And the man replied that in his life he was an Engineer and he just built it out of odds and ends he'd found here and there. After a while word got around and many of the people of Hell had air conditioners. St. Peter was explaining this to god and it infuiated him," Well, this definitely cannot go on." he said.So god called up Satan and said, "Hey, you know that engineer we sent down there a while back? Well, we decided we want him here now." Satan replied, "You didnt want him at first and now hed rather stay here, so he's staying." god said "What?! ill not have this, Ill see you in court!" To this Satan laughed and laughed, stomping his hooves on the ground, bellowing as loud as he could, "Oh yeah, good one god, where the fuck are you going to find the lawyer?!"

A Catholic priest is working the confession booth and has to use the bathroom really bad, so he asks the cleaning guy to stand in for him. The priest says, "Its easy, I have a list of sins with the appropriate penitence for each of them." So the janitor goes into the booth and the first person walks in, a lady, "Forgive me father for I have sinned, it has been two months since my last confession and since then i commited adultry."
The man looks up adultry and it says :10 hail maries, so he tells her "As a penitence, say 10 hail maries." The second is a teenager who confessed for some shoplifting, and was given 10 Our Fathers for stealing. Next a woman walks in saying, "Bless me father for i have sinned, it has been three months since my last confession and since then i had anal sex." The man looks for {Anal Sex} on the list and not finding it, he pokes his head out of the curtain and calls to the alter boy, whispering, "What does the priest usually give for {Anal Sex}?" and the alter boy replied, "Well, usually a couple of cookies, but if you get him off, he'll give you some blessed wine"

Jesus is hanging on the cross, when an old blind man strides through Golgotha, looking for something. Jesus looks down at the old man and asks, "Old man, what are you doing here?" The man replies, "Well, im looking for my son, have you seen him?" Jesus crookes his eyebrow and thinks for a minute, then asks, "What does your son look like?" The old man replies, "Well.....he has a nail in his left arm.." Jesus looks at the nail in his left arm, ".....he has a nail in his right arm...." Jesus looks at the nail in his right arm, "....he has nails in his feet...." Jesus looks down and, alas he sees the nail and looks at the man, glassy eyed and exited...
"Daddy?!" The old man jumps up and holds his arms as wide as he can, crying loudly, "Pinnochio!!! My boy!!!"

A new priest is about to do his first sermon and was very nervous, so he consulted the bishop. The bishop told him to calm his nerves to substitute the glass of water at the podium with a glass of rum. The priest does the sermon and feels great about it, later on he goes to the bishop and asks how he did. The bishop had left him a note on the desk saying,
" Though the rum did calm your nerves, i have a few notes:
1. SIP dont gulp.
2. Jesus and the apostles are not known as "J.C. and the guys"
3. Jesus was knocked off his donkey after they threw rocks at him, he was not "Stoned off his ass"
4. the mother of god is not "Mary with the cherry"
5. last of all david slew Goliath he did not "Kick the shit out of him"