Once upon a time, in a land far away, two hermaphrodites named Shelly Allen Draeger and Captain Natan Rees set out on a quest, a quest to save humanity and destroy Leroy, the most notorious di-key, eva. They embarked on their journey with their canoe and a picnic lunch of lemon-marinated beef roast, peenk oggs and clementines and supplies including guns and butter, with the hope that the magical uterus would guide their way down the River of Crabs. Just then, they heard a sound like a hissing teakettle. "What is that farmish stench? It smells like purple and crap!" Shelly hollered randomly. Nathan and Shelly docked their canoe on Gilligan's Island and followed the stench to a cult of ree-rees, the Tangelos. The strangely-attired men were dressed in fuschia shirts, short pants, large boots, and belt bucklyes. They had been dancing like Anitra around a strange-looking cookies surrounded by a ring of fire... until they sensed the presence of Shelly and Nathan. Adam, the flaming Tangelope, greeted Shelly and Nathan with a "pcaah!" However, upon realizing that Shelly possessed more hair than God and looked like a fugue, the cult captured her and made her their "king". They gave her a crown of Topaz, Emerald, and Zircon and provided her with a slave child named Ganglio. Shelly was so proud of herself that she kissed her own ass. Nathan, alarmed by the recent events, tried to run away in a dinosaur-esque fashion. The Tangelos ran after him, but Derek released a rabid goat with 4 1/2 testicles into the mob. The Tangelos ran after it and Nathan got away. Nathan tried to save Shelly, but she was trapped... by the Habgobbler, a large spider that ate its young. "Giver her back, mom, she's mine!" Nathan whined, but to no avail. Just as Nathan was about to give up, Derek rushed in again to help. "Suivez moi!" Derek called as he handed Nathan the ultimate weapon: THE Rake of Mallow. Nathan stared blankly at the rake. "Grip it and/or rip it," Derek explained. Nathan, however, had another idea. He ran before the spider and made a face at it, using the JZ tongue. This face was so hideous that it had the potential to scare horses, and it did the trick. The spider defecated on the floor in fright and readily let Shelly go. By this time, the two explorers were hungry, but they had forgotten their lunch on the canoe. "Ohhhps!" Shelly cried. "Maybe we can find something else to eat," Nathan suggested. They set out to find some lunch. The two wandered into the enarby woods, Pantsrabbits Forest. They searched until their fingers bled and Shelly was covered from head to toe in dirt, but they could not find any food. "I'm so hungry, it makes me want to shout!" Shelly bellowed. "Throw my hands up and shout!" Nathan added. Suddenly, Shelly and Nathan encountered a hut, inhabited by the Racist Robot and his sex tomcat, Stab the Tyrant. Shelly and Nathan pounded on the door. When the Racist Robot answered it, he took one look at Shelly and shrieked with disgust, for Shelly's dirt-covered body made her look like a black, male child. "Seize this creature, Stab," the Racist Robot said to his love slave with no emotion. Before Nathan could say anything, Shelly was jerked violently into the hut, the door slamming shut in his face. Nathan rushed to the window and peeked inside. The Racist Robot was shoving a large bag at Shelly--the Mystery Fun Bag of Death! One bite and Shelly would be a goner. Shelly, ignorant to the potency of the concoction and hungry beyond her wildest dreams, took a large bite. She immediately slumped in her chair. Nathan was dumbfounded; he couldn't believe the shenanigans and tomfoolery that had just taken place. He weaved slowly through Pantsrabbits Forest as if he had been drunk driving, tripping and stumbling. Finally, with no will to live, he sat down in a fetal position on the bank of the River of Crabs and began to cry like a little girl. A voice stunned him out of his lethargic state. "Don't cry on my joint, you nasty little hobbits," a small, ugly creature hissed, pulling back the elbow that Nathan had indeed cried on. THis hideous humanoid was small and shriveled, with large, grotesque ears and a voice like nails on a chalkboard. "Who--no, what--are you?" Nathan asked. "We is Gollum," the creature answered matter-of-factly. "We know what you want--and we can help you find it." "How? Tell me!" Nathan asked desperately. :We will write it down for you," Gollum answered, pulling out a pencil and paper. It took forever for Gollum to finish writing the message, for his writing had to be perfect. Finally, a half hour later, Gollum handed the paper to Nathan. "Now Nathan must help us," Gollum said wryly,, and broke into song: "We only wish to catch a fish, so juicy-sweet!" Nathan thought for a moment, then dug in his pouch for something to help Gollum. At last, he pulled out a small, harmless-looking cookie. Gollum's face contorted into a fit of anger. "We don't like tricks, Nathan. What is the meaning of this?" Nathan replied, "It's a Torte of Death. It may look appetizing, but it has lethal amounts of bananas in it. One bite, and your fish will go belly-up from potassium poisoning." Gollum scampered off happily to the River of Crabs with his new weapon as Nathan, relieved at the annoying creature's exit, opened up the paper. It was a map, drawing a path towards the very thing that was to help Nathan save his Zesty, Delicious Slutball. He followed the map as carefully as he could. Suddenly, he heard singing: "The Bunny, the Bunny, ooh I love the Bunny. I don't love my mom or my dad, just the Bunny!" It was Amanda, the Great White Wizard who was the protectress of the deep forest. She stood in Nathan's path. "Why are you here? Get out, mortal being!" Nathan pleaded with her for 3.824 minutes. Finally, she made him an offer. "I will let you pass, but only if you can bring my only true love, Trevor, back to me!" Nathan didn't have time for such Nigerian Nonsense; the hypothetical clock was ticking. Instead of agreeing, he pushed past Amanda and onward to his destination. Amanda screamed furiously. "Nemo, AFTER HIM!" she yelled. A Yard Cat, a hug beast with 3 feet, ran after Nathan. He ran like a dinosaur away from Nemo, narrowly escaping Nemo's toxic urine but getting severly scratched in the process. Finally, Nemo lost interest in chasing Nathan and began to bite his feet. Nthan slowed to a stop in a large clearing which, according to the map, was where he was to find help. All he saw was a tree. THis was no ordinary tree; for instead of fruit hanging from the branches, there were loaves of bread. It was a Magical Italian Bread Tree! Nathan was confused, but he picked a loaf of bread just the same and took a large bite out of it. His wounds instantly disappeared. He then understood that this could help Shelly. He grabbed two more loaves, put them in his pouch, and made a beeline to leave. As he walked away, Nathan couldn't shake the feeling that he was being followed. A moment later, he heard the unmistakable sound of Steib Breaths. Nathan whirled around, coming face-to-face with Stab the Tyrant....
TO BE CONTINUED (I'M TOO LAZY TO FINISH TYPING) |
