Prophecies

For many centuries Clementines have known that their beloved, elusive Clementine (or as we admiringly call her, "Dippy Dippy Wang Bang") has possessed the power to foretell the future. She's our own little American Nostradamus (of course, with street cred, if you can call it that). Our dear Clementine has been prophecizing for many years now but in secret. Recently, after the Clementine II Council, we have decided to release her latest premonitions.

The Tangelo Society will crumble as their leadership turn on one another after a feeble dispute over the last Hot Pocket

George W. Bush (top) and Dick Cheney (bottom) make poor investments and lose all of their millions, power, companies and wives. They make a new living as valet in Montpelier and share a modest 2-room apartment.

In a surprising display of cooperation, NASA and the New York Judicial System come to a sentence for Martha Stewart: housekeeping on Saturn's moon Titan

In a desperate attempt to reach a broader audience, Quentin Tarantino opens a macabre Western musical in Branson, Missouri (Sadly starring himself)

After Eastern European folk-dancing children perform their Dance of Death through the American West, Congress declares war

Hawaiian artist creates sculpture of John Kerry for the foyer of his mansion

Due to disgust and outrage over the crapfest of "Troy", Brad Pitt is punished by Zeus and turned into a unicorn. Though don't weep, he was chosen "Sexiest Mystical Creature 2007"

After growing lazy in old age and obesity, Santa Claus resorts to child slavery in order to stay competitive with FedEx

Fed up with polluting and littering, Mother Nature wipes the Earth clean of human beings in a lightning-filled blaze of hatred

The Clementine Prophecies