Okay I don’t own the troopers so don’t sue me, I’m broke! I also don’t own the song or lyrics; they belong to Eric Clapton. “Tears in Heaven” was initially written by Mr. Clapton after his young son was killed. To this day I cannot listen to this song without shedding tears since for me I am reminded of my parents who have since passed away. I dedicate this to everyone who has lost someone they cared about and loved... While painful, we all must carry on for as easy as it seems to just give up and join your loved ones... We don’t belong there, not yet anyway.
Tears In Heaven
By Wildefyre
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Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
If I saw you in heaven?
Standing there in the cold damp rain he found it still so hard to believe. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this, never like this. A year had passed since that fateful night and his grief was still as great.
Why? Why did you have to go and rush out of the house like that? In a blind rush, you got into your car and drove away into the night, leaving me alone, shocked and unsure of anything. I wanted to explain, I truly did. Maybe some day when we meet again, if you still feel the same, the words can be unlocked from my heart so that your ears may hear them.
You weren’t suppose to die that night but you did. Damn you! The roads were slick, they said you were driving much too fast to safely navigate that curve. You knew how dangerous it was! Shin had had an accident there a few months prior and out of all of us he’s the most cautious with driving. Now that I’m here and you’re there, will you forget me? When the time comes for us to meet again, will you remember me or will I be another entity just passing through the gates.
He could still hear the words, see the look on his face and the hurt growing in his stormy eyes. It had happened so quickly, catching him off guard, he didn’t know how to respond. Sure he knew what he felt in his heart but the words just wouldn’t flow forth. Had he given him time, they would have... He wanted to say them, he just needed time.
/// “Seiji? I need to talk to you. Don’t say anything just yet, let me speak first.” You pace back and forth in our bedroom as I sit on my bed watching my best friend and roommate.
“Touma?” I look up from my book to see a man who was usually so strong and confident now reduced to nervousness and fear. “Whatever it is, just tell me.” I wait while you search for the words.
“Seiji we’ve been friends for a long time, you know me better then anyone. You know my life was basically empty until I met you and the guys, especially you. I never meant for this to happen and if I could? I’d try and change it but I can’t.” You pace back and forth again, running your hand through your hair and stopping every so often to see if I am listening.
“Touma just say it... Whatever it is, seems to be really bothering you.” I sit up and watch as you turn your back, your shoulders slump forward and your head hangs down.
“Seiji please... This is hard enough as it is without you rushing me. I need to make sure I say this in a way that doesn’t sound vile or disgusting.” You speak so softly and I have to very listen carefully. ///
I must be strong and carry on
Cause I know I don’t belong, here in heaven
Kneeling down, he laid a rose on the grave, brushing dead leaves from the site and dirt from the headstone. Tears slide down over paled cheeks as the now way too thin frame tried to stand again.
It’s been so hard without you here... So very hard. None of the guys can understand why I am like I am right now. Sure we’ve all mourned, Shin still cries occasionally when your name is brought up. Me though, I cry all the time, the tears just fall at a constant tempo. They still question me about what happened that night and what made you storm out of the house into the driving rain. I can’t tell them, my friend, it hurts too much. Ryo tried beating some sense into me a few days after it had happened and I just took it... I had no strength to fight back. Thank God Nasutei happened upon us when she did or who knows what may have happened.
That night, that horrible night still haunts my memories... My dreams are nightmares filled with the words that never came from me. I know I have to keep going, I have to be strong... But you were the one who gave me that strength. I never realized that until you were gone.
/// “Okay take your time then... But whatever you have to say know that it won’t change a thing. You’ll always be my friend.” I assure you and see you square your shoulders as your confidence builds.
“I really hope that you mean that Seiji. What I have to say is not exactly the thing you say to your best friend.” You turn and look at me and I see eyes that have begun to mist over. I want so much to reach out to you but I fear doing so. Damn this stubborn pride of mine!
“Come on, we’ve been friends too long to allow anything to break that up.” I smile and watch as a smile graces your feature. So beautiful are they, like the heavens themselves.
“Thanks Seiji, I really needed to hear that. You‘re such a great friend and you have always been there for me whenever I just needed to talk. If what I have to say ruins that; I will never forgive myself.” You smile and start your pacing again, which by now is starting to get to me but I push it aside. That’s how it is though, things that you do that would annoy the average person are no big deal to me. I accept them because of what I feel inside, what I feel in my heart for you.
“It won’t ruin anything, why even think that?” My curiosity is getting the better of me now and I wait for you to finally speak again. ///
Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
I’ll find my way through night and day
Cause I know I just can’t stay, here in heaven
His body began shaking as the sobs progressed and in his weakened state he collapsed to his knees. The pain was still so great, even after all this time. A year, one miserable and empty year had passed since his friend was taken from him.
It was two weeks after that that Ryo came home early and found me, lying in a pool of blood... My own. They say I was lucky, that had Ryo come in a few minutes later, he would have walked in on a corpse. I hated him for finding me, hated him for saving my pathetic life. They were all shocked by what I had done; I was the strong one... Or so they thought. My family couldn’t understand and I couldn’t tell them. They asked me why, many times... Finally they just gave up and put it down as me being grief stricken over the loss of a friend. That was only the half of it.
I wanted to join you... To show you what my lips couldn’t say that night. I wanted to hold you and let you know that I understood... I should have done it that night and now I cannot. Forever will I regret my actions, and even though I wish I could be with you now, I know I must keep going for my time is not yet up. I’m trying, I really am... I do my best to stay busy during the day even though my heart is shattering. My nights are filled with a restless sleep but I somehow get through it.
/// “Seiji? You see I have been having these feelings lately and well they are starting to drive me insane. I’ve tried denying them, God how I have tried! I can’t though; they’re just too strong.” You lower your gaze and look to the floor and my heart begins to beat faster. I watch as you walk to stand by the window and then you frown as you gaze upwards. “Darn clouds, I can’t see a single star.”
“Don’t worry, they’ll be out another night, besides you know they are there... You just can’t see them tonight.” I can’t help but smile when I see you nod your head in agreement.
“Seiji?” You finally speak again and I wonder if this time you will finally tell me what is bothering you. “I... I think... No... I am... I’m in love with you.” ///
Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please...
He lies down upon the cool rain soaked grass, not caring how wet he becomes, shivering as he draws his knees to his chest. The pain in his heart is too much to bear...
Funny how one fleeting moment can change you for a lifetime. I was left speechless unsure of what to say or how to say it. I can still see you standing there, waiting for a response but I couldn’t give any. My lips just wouldn’t move. Oh God I wanted to run to you, to tell you all that was in my heart, but something held me back... Fear. I feared the wrath of my family, my grandfather most of all, they’d never understand.
/// “I... I... Oh God why did you have to say that.” I bite my lip at the words that finally leak out, hating myself for the way they sound.
“What are you saying Seiji? I told you this wasn’t easy but I can’t change how I feel. I love you; I have loved you for quite some time now.” Your eyes glass over and I can see the tears brimming them, ready to begin flowing.
“I don’t know what to say actually. I just never expected this. I...” I fall silent and look away. I have my family to think about, a duty to fulfill that has been branded into my brain since I was a child. As much as I want to follow my heart, my head refuses it.
“Just answer me this and then I’ll leave. Do you feel anything at all for me? If you can’t find the words then just look into my eyes Seiji, I’ll know... You know I’ll see in your eyes, the truth.” I hear you moving about the room and want to turn to you but some unseen force stops me. Then I hear your keys jingle.
“That’s it then huh? You don’t care and I just ruined our friendship. Face it, as much as you’d like for it to stay unchanged, things will never be the same between us now. I blew it. I’m sorry Seiji, sorry that I couldn’t be as in control of my emotions as you.” I still keep my head turned away as I hear you grab your jacket and then I hear the door slamming shut. Tears stream down my face as I sit there. ///
I had heard your car speeding down the driveway and then the gates opened and my so called controlled emotions became unstable. I sat there wanting to say the words that hung so precariously from my lips but you didn’t give me the chance and now those words will forever remain unsaid. I just needed a few minutes to let it all sink in, that’s all. Right then and there I knew that I would never see you again and I quickly got up to go to the window. Tears flowed down my cheeks in torrents as my heart begged you to come back.
It’s funny how in a matter of minutes your life changes forever, as mine did that night. My heart broke, shattered into a million pieces and I hated myself for the words I never spoke.
Beyond the door, there’s peace I’m sure
And I know there’ll be no more tears in heaven
He thought back to that dreadful night and how Shin burst into his room, tears streaming down his face, his hands shaking and with lips trying to form words.
/// “Seiji I’m sorry... I’m so sorry.” I sit up and try to comprehend what is being said. Trying desperately to clear my head of the sleep I had fallen under after I had finished crying.
“Sh... Shin?” I say, still not exactly sure about what is going on. Then I hear Nasutei she is crying harder then I have ever heard her cry before. “W... What’s going on?” I ask finally as my ears pick up on more sobs.
“There’s been an accident Seiji... Touma’s been in an accident.” I hear you finally say before breaking down further. Shu rushes into the room and I see the tears staining his cheeks.
“W... What? How bad?” I ask, as it finally becomes clear to me what is happening. I quickly jump out of bed and race to get dressed, my heart is pounding so hard within my chest that I fear it will break free of my rib cage. “What hospital has he been taken to...? Oh God I need to go to him. I have something I need to tell him.” I can feel the hot tears stinging my cheeks as I rush around the room frantically.
“Seiji, stop!” I freeze at the sound of Shu’s thundering voice. “Touma’s dead... He died tonight Seiji.” I turn to see Shu’s large frame shaking with the sobs that escape his throat. “They say he was driving too fast, the roads were slippery with wet fallen leaves. He lost control and slammed into a tree. Seiji I’m sorry but they said he was dead by the time they got to him.” I can only stand there as Shu collapses to his knees with Shin beside him.
“No...” I whisper. “No!” I say louder “NO!” I scream as I raise my hands to my head and cry out. “No not Touma! Not Touma!” I keep shaking my head, not wanting to believe what I am hearing.
“Seiji, it’s true... I’m so sorry. I know he was a good friend... Ryo just came back from identifying the body. None of us heard the telephone ring since Ryo was still up when the call came in. He didn’t want to tell us until he was sure.” Shin explains to me but I continue shaking my head, backing away from them.
“No! Not Touma! Touma wouldn’t die and leave me... We still have things we need to talk about... I have something I need to tell him. I... I...” I can’t go on as I lean back against the wall, sliding down it until I’m sitting on the floor. “Not Touma... Not Touma... I keep repeating over and over again. ///
I don’t remember too much after that, the next week or so is a mere blur in my mind. I heard people talking to me yet I couldn’t respond. They said I was in shock and that I should be watched over. The days leading up to the funeral were hectic with people calling and visiting and flowers being delivered. You had made many friends along the way Touma... A far cry from that loner I had first met in Shinjuku when we were only 14.
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
Cause I know I don’t belong here in heaven.
Hearing his name being called he tries to sit, but can’t. Two strong arms help bring him to his feet and he looks down at the gave once more...
I miss you so much... So very much. It shouldn’t have happened, you shouldn’t have died. You were only 21, much too young to have your life ended. I know I have got to stop feeling guilty but I can’t, not until I somehow know that you still hold me in your heart. Touma please, if I saw you right now, would you still love me? Could you possibly still feel love for me? I need to know, I need to know so I can go on...
“Seiji come on it’s time to go now. We’ll come back another day I promise.” Shu speaks to me yet I look right through him as though he’s not there. “Come on Seiji you have to snap out of it, it’s been a year... Enough is enough. We all miss him, Touma was our friend too you know.” Shu takes my arm and leads me back to the car.
“I know you miss him Shu, I know all of you do.” I say almost robotically. I just miss him more because he loved me... And I loved him.
I turn once more to gaze upon the headstone that marks your final resting spot and for a brief moment as the wind kicks up I swear I can almost hear you calling to me... Tears begin spilling from my eyes as I hear the words... “I’ll love you Seiji, always...”
Holding my head up I pull from Shu’s grasp. I have to keep going I have to make sure my life is a full one so that when I see my love again I can tell him all about it... Right after I tell him that I love him.
The End
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Yeah I know... Sad, depressing... Full of angst. Hey would you expect anything less from me? I think not! Let me know what you think... Did I do the words justice? I know Seiji sounds way out of character but hey this is fiction and we all have our visions of how a character may act.
I guess I just get tired of this imagine most people have on Seiji. He’s not some cold-hearted leech who doesn’t know how to cry or feel emotions. He’s also not some mean SOB who’s into S&M and wearing women’s clothes, nor is he some oversexed, sleep with anything that moves, kind of guy.
I think he’s just cautious about who sees that other side of him and whom he’ll pull down the walls for. Just take a look at that last episode, he was crying right along side his friends... He does care people! Date Seiji does have a heart! Okay I’ll get off my soapbox now... Gomen for that rant, I just couldn’t help it. Anyway, please be kind and leave a review... It’s most appreciated.
As for the other fics I’m working on... Please be patient. WingsofSakon recently had her computer crash on her and lost what part she was working on to “Silence is Golden” so she’s trying to get that back up and running. Hiruma has been under the weather and going through a minor writer’s block and so “Pretty Woman” was on hold for awhile but she finally got her part to me and I should have a chapter out within the week. Thanks to all of you who have been reading my solo fics and the ones that I have been co-authoring... You’re support means a lot.
