By Wildefyre

(Grab your tissues... You’re going to need them!)

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“Can’t you stay just a little while longer?” Touma asked, hoping against hope that the answer would be yes only to have it fade when the other shook his head. Looking around the now too large apartment he lived in, Touma tried to focus on something else, anything to keep his mind from remembering. There was only one problem with that... The apartment was filled with memories.

All their dreams and hopes, all the love they once shared, it was all there... locked away in the chill of the place, silently wanting to touch the warmth one more time. That’s what he wanted as well, to touch the warmth that was Seiji, just one more time.*Was I wrong to ask him to come over? It’s my heart that is at stake here... Did I put it in danger of breaking even further? God I just don’t know anymore!*

“Listen I shouldn’t have come here in the first place, it’s wrong Touma, we both know that.” Seiji looked at his hands. It wasn’t easy being there amongst so many memories. This apartment, the one they had once shared for so many years held a great deal of sentimentality.

Each room had a special memory, their first meal together, their first Christmas, the first night there was the first night they had slept together... So many memories... *So many tears. I knew it was a mistake coming here, the memories this apartment holds are overwhelming... The desire to be with you once again is strong, but it wouldn’t be right now.*

“I’m not asking for blood Seiji, just to be able to spend a little more time with you, that’s all.” He lowered his gaze. His heart was breaking again; he could feel it, shattering into many tiny fragments. It was just like the night that love left his heart, his love... His Seiji.

How he had cried that night, wanting nothing more then to fade away into the darkness that seeped into the apartment that night, blocking out his sunshine. *Why can’t you see just how much I need you Seiji? My heart cries out for you all the time. You were my best friend and my lover, the best thing that had ever happened to me.*

“Touma please... Don’t do this to yourself, to me either. It hurts me just as much as it does you.” The blond sat up straight, trying not to show his sorrow. He knew he had to stay strong for the other. If he faltered now it would give Touma false hopes and he couldn’t allow that.

His leaving had been hard enough for the archer, he knew that... And he hated what it was doing to him. *Forgive me my friend, I never meant to hurt you, I swear. If you only knew how much of my heart you still control, you would know that I’m in just as much pain.*

“It’s been so hard, this letting go. I miss you, I miss us.” Touma quickly turned around trying his best to remain strong and not cry. It wasn’t easy though; crying was all he did lately. It was the way to finally fall asleep at night. It hurt so much losing the one he loved, the one he’d gladly sacrifice his life for. None of the wounds he received in battle could compare to the wound left in his heart when Seiji had said goodbye on that cold damp night.

*Have you any idea what I went through that night? How my heart cried out for you only to find itself alone and broken.* Touma lifted a hand to stare at the faint scars on his wrists, he just couldn’t do it... Thank God they weren’t deep! No one knew about it, and he liked it that way.

“It’s killing me as well, but we have to be strong now. You can do this, I know you can, we both can.” Seiji assured him, too bad he couldn’t assure himself. He hated this, and if there was a another way... No what’s the use, there is none. What’s done is done, he knew that all too well. He knew how much it hurt; he was hurting too... His ache ran deeper then the soul it had attached itself to, tearing him up from the inside out.

*I wish I could show you how hard I took our break-up Touma, even though it was I who left. Forever will I bear the reminder of that night, the night I was forced to leave you... The pain of our parting was just too much for me, I wanted to die. If it hadn‘t of been for Satsuki, I would have. Of course my family thinks it was nothing more then a careless accident, but I know better.*

Seiji rubbed his hand over his abdomen, he knew the scar was there as a constant reminder to him of the night his world shattered forever. None of his family knew how desperate Seiji was to end his life that night, how could they? They didn’t know about Touma, they didn’t know about the love he had just thrown away for their sake.

“Don’t go just yet, you only got here a few minutes ago.” Touma knelt in front of the swordsman. Midnight blue eyes looked up from under indigo bangs. “How about if I make us some tea? You always said I made a decent cup of tea, that I always had it just right for you.” He knew the answer even before the blond could speak the words but he had to try... Hope was all he had left, once that was gone, his heart would surely whither up and die.

*Just give me a few more minutes to be near you Seiji. Don’t take that away from me. Allow me to have this memory, they are so few and far between now. They are all I have to comfort me when the loneliness hits.*

“Thanks Touma but I can’t stay; I really do need to get going.” Seiji tried not to stare into his eyes too long; fearful of seeing the pain that he knew was lying right behind them. Funny? There was a time when he couldn’t get enough of those dark blue eyes, staring into them was all he wanted to do. Now when he looked into them all he could see was the sorrow he had brought to them.

*Oh God his eyes are filled with such sorrow. I’m so sorry that I have had to put you through this. You will never know the heartache I feel as I stand before you now... I see so much pain in you, knowing that I am the reason for it makes my pain so much harder for me to bear.*

“Please Seiji, don’t? I see so little of you these days, don’t shatter me yet. Seiji, stay and let me be whole for a little while longer.” His slender hands shook as he caressed the leg he knelt by. How he missed the feel of him, the scent of his skin, his smile and the sound of his voice.

He had never known such a gentle touch until Seiji had caressed his skin and he knew he would never find that again. Never again would he feel the kindly soul that once enveloped him during his darkest of moments, or touched him during moments of pleasure. They were gone, someone else now lay claim to them. *It’s so unfair Seiji, knowing that another has what was mine... You... Your love and your heart.*

“I wish I could, I really do but I made a promise to not stay long and I have to keep it. I have to leave now.” Seiji’s voice shook and he quickly got up from his chair. Going to the window he looked out into the night. “I have somewhere else to call home now, please understand that.”

He had a new home now, a new life... Though it was not one of his choosing. His family had chosen for him and he had been bound by duty and honor to accept it. No longer could he just do as he pleased, someone else was now depending on him. He had to take responsibility and make sure that person was taken care of, even though it made him miserable.

“Why Seiji? Why must it be like this?” His hand combed through indigo hair as he tried to keep from falling apart. Lord knew he did enough of that lately. Just the mere sound of his name sent the archer on a downward spiral. When he saw them together, the ache became so great that it nearly tore his soul right out of him.

“You know why Touma... I don’t think I need to explain it. We‘ve been over this countless times before, it won‘t serve any good to rehash it.” Seiji hung his head. He knew how Touma still felt about him, but what could he do. Maybe things would be easier is she didn’t love him as well but she did... Many times over she professed her love for him, giving her heart to him freely and unconditionally.

Kyoko had been a childhood friend, and now through his family’s arrangements she had become his wife. She had confessed to him on their wedding night to having a crush on him as a kid, a crush that grew into love as they aged. She was deeply in love with him, even though he couldn’t return her love. Even though he had finally broken down and told her why, she still accepted him and loved him. She was at home now, sleeping. It was something she did a lot of lately, ever since she had lost their baby. The miscarriage took its toll on her; she blamed herself even though she was told differently.

*She lost our baby because of me and my selfishness. That was the night I had told her about us Touma. Sure she tried to be strong, but I saw the pain flashing in her eyes. She knew I was contemplating leaving her so I could return to you, I guess it was just too much for her. I hate myself for what I did. My child died because of me.* Seiji was trying desperately not to cry, the hurt he was feeling gnawed at the facade he had put up, threatening to knock the walls away.

“But you don’t have to stay with her Seiji, tell her you made a mistake... Tell her you should not have married her. Tell her that you love me... Tell her anything you want, but just tell her!” Touma pleaded with him; his heart ached for the blond... He wanted back what they had shared for so many years.

“Please Seiji? I need you.” He hated begging like this but he had so little options now. He knew he’d do anything, anything at all, to have him back... Back in his arms, back in his life, back in his bed. *I don’t know how much more of this I can take... I’m so tired of the pain. If you would come back to me, all would be forgiven, we could start over.*

“You and I could go somewhere new Seiji, you could open your own Dojo and I could continue with my work and we could be happy once again. I know your family means a lot to you, but don’t I matter as well?” Touma shut his eyes tightly trying to keep his tears from spilling out; they were so close now. *You won’t though... You’re pride and honor won’t allow you to do that. Still if we could, you know I would go off with you in a heartbeat. I know it sounds pathetic but you are all I need to sustain my life... You are all I want. Too bad you can’t feel the same.*

“I can’t Touma, why won’t you try and see that.” Seiji knew his voice was getting louder but he couldn’t stop it. “I have to live with the choices I have made, I can’t return to the past. It has to be this way now.” He hated that more then anything. Family traditions and his own stubborn pride were keeping him bound to the commitment he had made. He made the decision to honor his family, he couldn’t take it back, he just couldn’t.

*If there would have been a way to get out of it I would have, but I couldn’t see any. Now that it’s done, I have to live with it. I know now that I did have one option open to me and that was to tell my family about you... About us. I’m sorry Touma but I couldn’t, the price I would have paid for that would have been too high.*

“Dammit Seiji! Why can’t you see that we belong together? How many times did I hear those exact words from your lips? How often did you reassure me that we would always be together? Whenever my fears got the best of me Seiji... That‘s when you spoke them. Every time we made love that’s how many times I heard you.” Touma crossed the room to once again take a position in front of the swordsman. He had to see his face for it would tell him the truth.

Seiji could never hide his feelings from him that was why they had gotten together in the first place. They understood each other in a way no one could. Their joining wasn’t just physical, but rather it ran much deeper. Touma was certain that what they had would lat forever, it was that strong. *How could I have been so stupid and naive? I guess that’s what love does to you... I was so deeply in love with you that I refused to believe it could end and coming crashing down.*

“Touma please. You know that things are different now. I can’t change them. Kyoko has been a good wife to me. She has been very patient and understanding with me while I sort through all of this. I can’t just leave her.” Seiji closed his eyes. Kyoko could have easily made rash demands on him but she never did. Instead she gave him the freedom to make his choice while she waited. She deserved to have his love in return for all she was giving to him.

He had made plans to see Touma the night she miscarried after he had told her about his relationship with the archer. What shocked him was how unselfish she was, even though she was having pain, she had requested that they keep their appointment. It was he who finally cancelled, he couldn’t do that to her. *It was my fault she was hurting.* The pain wasn’t just physical either, her heart was slowly breaking. Seiji knew in his heart that she deserved more then he was giving her... So much more. Despite everything, Kyoko confessed to still loving him. What could he do? She deserved his heart in return and that was what he was determined to give her.

“Then look at me Seiji!” He demanded. Touma wanted to see Seiji’s eyes, and his reaction. “I love you! I have always loved you! I will never stop loving you.” Touma could feel his tears welling up but held them in check. “I know you love me Seiji, you can’t deny that.” He quickly grabbed the swordsman by the hands. “Just tell me that you still love me and everything will be okay.” Touma stared into violet eyes, waiting for a response... How badly he needed to hear those words from his lips...

*Maybe this will convince you, after all I have nothing to lose but so very much to gain. If my words won’t do then this will have to.* Touma did the only thing he could, placing his hands on either side of the blonde’s face he kissed him! Slow and sensual, allowing all of his pent up feelings to flow through to his lips. He held the swordsman fast, waiting for him to relax and kiss him back.

His heart died though, Seiji wasn’t responding... There was nothing being given back, it was like kissing a mannequin. Breaking the kiss Touma looked at him breathlessly. “Why Seiji? Just love me like you use to... Give in to your heart.” Touma saw no change of expression and knew Seiji now had to see the tears standing in his eyes, which were blurring his vision.

*Damn you and that pride of yours! Damn it all! I thought I meant something to you... Was I wrong? How can you stand here and not feel anything when I kiss you? You may act it, but I know you better, you are NOT that cold hearted. Maybe she has made you this way, is that it? Has she darkened your heart so much that you can‘t even feel anything for me?*

“Touma, forgive me but you leave me no other choice.” *God Can I really say this? It’ll kill him for sure! I have to; it’s the only way now. I’ll just have to accept the consequences that’s all.* He held his voice steady as he stared into the eyes he adored. “Touma, I don’t love you... I love Kyoko. I don’t love you anymore.” Seiji wanted to take it back; he wanted to tell him that he didn’t mean it, that it was nothing more then a lie... But he couldn’t.

This had to be one of the worst days of his life, next to the day that he had walked out of his lover’s life. *God Touma I’m so sorry! I can’t see any other way of doing this. You need to move on, forget about me and find someone else to love. My love for you will never die but you can’t know that... I’m sorry for lying to you, but if it helps you to make a clean break, then I’ll do it.*

“N... No! Y... You don’t m... mean that S... Seiji! P... Please say it isn’t s... so!” Tears now fell from the dark blue eyes Seiji had just stared into. Touma stood there in shock, the words Seiji had just spoken were like knives and now they were slicing through his heart, shredding it. No longer could he hide the hurt as he cried. “How can you say that? Oh God Seiji! Why?” Tears cascaded down his cheeks, splashing down off his chin... They just kept coming... The gates had been opened and now who knew when he could ever close them again. *Oh God Seiji, my heart is in so much pain... How can you stab me in the back like this? How?*

“Because it’s the truth.” Seiji said calmly. *Dammit I never expected to have to lie to you like this, it’s literally killing me to do so.* It was taking everything he had to remain composed but he couldn’t falter. “I’m sorry but it’s about time you get over this obsession you have with me and move on.” Seiji’s emotions remained cold though if someone could see into the farthest reaches of his heart and soul, they would see that part of him had just died.

*My God what have I done? How could I say that to him? No please Touma don’t cry... Please don’t cry.* He hated this, hated lying... He hated acting as though he didn’t give a damn that he had hurt the one person he truly loved, but it was for the best. He was stuck and he couldn’t bear the thought of Touma living a solitary life, waiting for his return. *Find someone who can give you the love you deserve, the love I wish like hell that I could give to you.*

“Damn you Seiji!” Touma sobbed. “I gave you 10 years of my life. Ten frigging years of my heart and soul... I gave you my love and everything that went with it only to have you do this to me. How can you be so cold? Didn’t I mean anything to you?” Touma felt the pain in his chest worsen as his heart died. He had devoted such a large part of his life to the blond, given him all the love he had in him and now to hear that it meant nothing to the swordsman was more then he could take.

*You’re not the only one who may have made sacrifices for our relationship, I did too! My own father turned his back on me because of us, because I had fallen in love with another man. He practically ignores me all my life, and the one time I had hoped he wouldn’t pay much attention to what I had to say... He does. Even so, I held my head up high... Proud to be with you. Of course you didn’t have that problem, now did you? No you didn’t Seiji, that’s because you hid our relationship from your family. How you managed that for 10 years is beyond me... But you did. A true testament to the deceiving bastard you now are.*

“Touma you always knew that someday things would change with us. You knew that when my family put out the call for me to honor my responsibilities that I would. I put them off for as long as I could and you know that. They tried to marry me off at 18 after I finished high school and we had been together for almost 2 years. I did what I could to keep from being torn from you, but it caught up to me... I couldn’t put them off any longer.”

“What we had was nice, but it ended a long time ago, I moved on. Don’t blame me for you inability to do the same.” Seiji looked away from the archer, he had to, his heart was breaking and he was sure Touma would hear it if he wasn’t careful. *God Touma, if you could see into my eyes you would see the love I have for you still burning just as brightly as that first day we got together.

There’s nothing I can do now... I’m stuck in a marriage I never wanted in the first place but my hands are tied. My family needs me now... Especially since grandfather passed away. They are depending on me to carry on the Date name, and now I also have a wife who has laid claims to my heart even though I never wanted her to have it.* Tears began stinging Seiji’s eyes and he knew he had to get out of there before Touma saw it. Before the archer could see all the pain and sorrow his soul now held.

“That’s it then, I guess there’s nothing left. Get the hell out Seiji and never come back! I hate you! You are the coldest arrogant son-of-a-bitch that I have ever known. I’m standing here falling to pieces and you could care less.” Touma collapsed to his knees, his body weakened by his cries.

Seiji watched momentarily as the man he loved fell to his knees sobbing and all he wanted to do was run to him, gather him into his arms and proclaim his undying love... But he couldn’t. Not now... Not ever.

Turning around he collected himself, trying to keep his voice steady and free of the emotions swirling in his soul. “I’ve got be going now. You take care and keep in touch okay?” Seiji had to use all his control not to go running from the apartment; instead he managed to gracefully make his exit. Once free of the place, his tears fell furiously down his cheeks as he made his way to his car.

Hearing the door slam shut, Touma quickly got to his feet. “NO! Don’t go Seiji! Please? For God’s sake, turn around!” He cried out as he laid his head against the door. How he wanted to just run after him but Seiji had make it perfectly clear... He no longer loved him. Walking to the window, he looked down on the parking lot watching the lone figure as it walked. His hands came up to press against the glass, tears stung his eyes and wet his cheeks... “Come back Seiji... I love you.”

Laying his forehead against the cool glass he cried, the pain in his heart was greater then anything he had known before. “Someday we’ll meet again Seiji and when we do I will never allow you to leave me. We will be together again, I’m sure of it.” He whispered against the window.

Seiji stopped when he felt like someone was watching him. Turning, he looked up to see the silhouetted figure at the window and could almost hear his cries. The sound of Touma crying through the apartment door filled his mind... It was a sound he would never forget for it was permanently seared into his heart.

Seiji drove away; his heart was dead... Emotions that Touma once pulled forth from his soul had now gone back to lie dormant until the two men would meet in the afterlife. Seiji knew that the things he had done he had done for a reason. He had to be cruel; he had to snap Touma out of it so that the archer would move on... He needs to get on with his life. Seiji knew that Touma wouldn’t do it otherwise.

Touma sat at his computer; his fingers flew over the keyboard as he typed out his message. Tears began stinging his eyes, blurring his vision of the screen. Touma put in words all the feelings he had in his heart... All the love he had for Seiji was now appearing on the computer screen. The time had come... An end to the pain was eminent.

This would be his final act... To send to his Seiji, everything he had ever felt for the blond. He didn’t care if Seiji’s family saw it; he didn’t care if Seiji ignored it... His love was now reduced to words on a computer screen... With the click of a mouse his heart’s deepest emotions were sent to the one person who would understand them.

Seiji sat in the office of the Dojo; his hand shook as he looked at what was on his computer screen. Words blurred together as tears flowed from his eyes. “I’m so sorry Touma... I’ve caused you so much pain. Never had I imagined our love ending, I fooled myself into believing that it would go on forever... That was my biggest mistake, those thoughts that I expressed over and over to you had you believing in them too. Those beliefs shattered you when in a blinding rush, they came tumbling down. If I had only seen... I may have prevented it... Forgive me love, I was just too blind, too ignorant.” Seiji reached for the mouse to send, then hit delete instead. No, you must never know.

*God to see this, to read his deepest thoughts, the words of love he has expressed, just tears me up inside. I want so much to convey back to you my own heart’s feelings, but I can’t... It would serve no purpose other then to give you a false hope. I won’t do that to you. In a way our love is much like the fabled Romeo and Juliet... Our love will go down as a tragedy... For here in this world, there can never be a happy ending for us.* Seiji continued to stare at the screen... He knew what he had to do now; there was no mistaking the fate that awaited him.

Touma stood on the cliffs high above the city; stars blanketed the night sky. Raising his head he looked up at his stars, smiling as the wind caressed his face. “I’ll be with you soon, my friends.” Touma looked at the faded photograph that he was clutching, his hand reached out to trace it.

Glancing to the stars one last time, Touma could hear their pleas... They wanted him to stop, but he couldn’t... I’ve made up my mind; this is how it must be. With that last thought, Touma closed his eyes and stepped off the cliff. As he was falling to what surely was his death, he realized that he would finally find the peace his heart so desperately sought. Until we meet again Seiji... I love you.

Seiji walked into the Dojo, all of the family was sound asleep, it was now or never. Walking over to the rack, he chose his sword... Turning it over in his trembling hands and checking its edge. Satisfied he walked to the center of the Dojo and knelt, chanting words he had only heard a few times... Tears leaked from his eyes as he placed several items nearby... Touma’s photo was placed inside his GI, close to his heart. It’s where you belong Touma-san. The news of his lover’s death 2 weeks ago had him finally reaching a decision... There was no turning back now.

Seiji looked at the photo of his wife as tears slid down his cheeks. Kyoko didn’t deserve the kind of life she was living with him since that night. Even though his wife tried to understand why her husband had become so cold and distant he could see the way it hurt her. “Forgive me Kyoko, you’re strong and I know that you will go on with your life.” Picking up the sword, Seiji held it high above him. Closing his eyes, he pictured Touma as he felt the tip of the blade piercing his flesh. Knowing that he would soon see his love, he smiled as his life ebbed away. We’ll finally be together Touma... I love you.