Chapter 3

A young boy looked up at his mother, his eyes full of curiosity. "Mommy? How do you know if someone loves you?"

His mother frowned slightly. "You just know, you can feel it with your soul. There really aren't any signs that a person feels love for you, they don't act any differently and they treat you the same," she lied.

"Does it hurt to loose someone you love?"

"No," she lied again.

"Mommy, do you love me?"

Patting her son's head, she said, "Of course I do, you're my son."

"Then don't leave me." The words were filled with sorrow and the little boy grasped his mother's right hand, for in her left was a suitcase. He didn't understand why she was leaving, he didn't want her to go.

"I have to. I love you, but not your father."

"Will you take me with you? You won't let him hurt me, will you?" They were both aware of the danger the little boy was in.

His mother didn't answer him, instead she jerked her hand away and vanished. Tears filled his eyes and ran down his cheeks, knowing that he'd never see or hear from her again.

"Mommy! Mommy, come back!"

The boy's body soon filled with pain and he found himself laying on the ground of his living room. Blood trickled down from his forehead from where a shard of glass had torn open the skin. His eyes were blank, void of emotion, he didn't even move as he heard a loud thump nearby, telling him his father had passed out. He didn't want to move, if this was how people who loved him treated him, then he wanted to die right where he was. He felt broken and tired, he just wanted it all to end.

Finally, his eyes closed and when he opened them again, he was much older, standing in a hallway, staring at a closed door. Loud moans of desire and ecstasy could be heard, coming from his best friend and lover. Once again he had allowed himself to be hurt by love. Falling to his knees, he broke down sobbing, pounding the ground with his fists, he was overcome by agony.

"I thought he loved me, I thought I could feel it in my soul. Why doesn't he love me? Why aren't I worthy of his love? What do I have to do?" The anguish in him increased and his entire body fell limply on the flood. The weight of his suffering was crushing him, smothering him to death.

"You lied, Mommy . . . you said it didn't hurt to loose someone you loved. It . . . it hurts . . . it hurts so much . . . it's too much for me . . . it hurts . . . someone . . . please, help me . . ."

Then with the last of his strength, he screamed, "SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!" Nobody came. "Seiji . . . help me . . ." he could hardly even hear his own words. Then the darkness washed over him.

Touma sat up straight in his bed, sweat slicked his body and his heart was beating madly inside of him. It was that god damn nightmare again, the one that had sent him over the edge a long time ago. He hadn't had it for years though, not since Kenji was born. Letting his body fall back into the softness of his bed, he lightly traced a scar on the underside of his wrist with his fingers, remembering a time when he felt that he no longer had a purpose to go on, that life was not worth living.

"After all these years, the pain you inflicted on me still burns in my heart, Seiji."

Sighing quietly, Touma rolled out of bed and went into the bathroom, that was only separated from his room by a wall, to splash some water onto his pale face. After drying off the water and stepping into the hallway, he was puzzled by the stillness of the apartment.

Usually Kenji would get up before him, parked in front of the TV watching cartoons or running around with a toy in his hand. There was no patter of tiny feet or sounds from the TV. Panic rose up in Touma as he looked into his son's room to find it empty, then the panic immediately sank. He remembered that Mizu and Shin had taken Kenji to preschool for him and they were going to take the kid out after school. Shin and Mizu had spent the night over there, since by the time they finished talking, it was late, so Touma insisted that they stay. The couple wanted to take Kenji to school then, Touma didn't object, it gave him time to sleep in.

Sitting down in the rocking chair in the corner of the bedroom, Touma gazed at Kenji's room. It reminded him much of the old room he used to have before his parents started fighting. Touma did his best to provide a good home for his son, at times he found it difficult to know what a good home would have. He didn't want to be too strict or spoil Kenji, although most of the time he'd lean towards the latter.

It wasn't hard buying whatever toy caught your child's eye or making them their favorite meals all the time and Touma got scowled by Grace several times because of it. She wasn't any better than him though, in fact, she practically gave into all of the boy�s demands, at least he had some discipline.

Exiting the bedroom, Touma went into the kitchen to make himself something to eat. Just as he was going to open the pantry door to look for something, he noticed a white piece of paper taped on the pantry door.

In neat handwriting that just had to be Mizu's, it said:

Tou- Good morning! I knew you'd be raiding your own pantry, so I thought this would be the best place to put my note. Now, remember that Shin and I are taking Kenji to the aquarium after school. Since you have some free time I suggest you go visit a certain blond, I gave you the hotel address and the room number last night, so you have no excuse not to go. Or at least call him, you can tell him our good news. Have a nice day and tell Seiji we said hi! -Mizu

Tugging the note off the pantry door, he folded it in half and laid it on the counter. All of a sudden he wasn't hungry anymore.

Sliding down onto the tiled floor, he leaned against the cupboards, staring at the kitchen wall as if it were the most amusing thing in the world. Now what to do? He could just call Seiji back, but hearing Seiji's voice would make Touma want to run over to the hotel and fling himself into Seiji's arms. Seeing the blond would probably make him melt into a puddle or at least make his legs go out. Still, he'd really like to see him after all these years.

"Why the hell not? You only get to live once." Picking himself off the floor, he walked back into the bathroom to take a shower. Right after he finished his shower, he could hear foot steps in the apartment. His heart jumped up into his throat, there wasn't supposed to be anyone other than him at home. Whoever was there was now in his bedroom. "Great, just what I need. Someone breaking into my apartment and me butt naked." He cursed himself for stripping before going into the bathroom.

"Touma? It's Grace."

"Thank goodness," he muttered to himself. It was dumb of him to forget that Grace had a key to the apartment. "Hey Grace. Can you hold on a sec?"

"Sure."

Wrapping the towel around his waist, he opened the door a bit. Grace thrust a set of clothes at him.

"I picked them out myself, dear," she grinned.

"Thanks . . . MOM," he snatched the clothes from her and shut the door again. He cringed at the boxers she gave him, they were white with a giant, yellow, smiling face on the ass, they were a birthday present from her. Putting the towel around him again, he opened the door and threw the boxers at her. "For the love of god, I'm not wearing these! Why don't you pick out some decent boxers for once?"

"So picky. Is this to your liking?" Grace held up a pair of silk, blue boxers.

"Yes, thank you so very much," he said as he took them from her and slammed the door. When he came out, dressed, he asked, "What brings you here, Grace?" Touma had a feeling that it was about the conversation they had two days ago. He wished that she'd forget about getting custody of Kenji and let things go back to normal.

�Have you thought about giving Matsuji and I custody of Kenji?"

"Honestly, no, I haven't. You know why? Because I don't need to."

�You�re not being fair.�

�And you are? I�ve already talked to Ken about it, he�s happy right where he is.�

�Now you�re really not being fair. I mean really, Touma, is it fair to do that to Ken? Making him decide where he wants to live?�

�Is it fair to take him from the place he�s been living at for four years?� Touma raised his voice.

�Look, I just don�t want our kid to have the same life you did! How do I know that you won�t turn out like your father and abuse Ken?!�

Touma flinched. Grace hit a sensitive spot and she knew it. She also knew that it was extremely cruel of her to say it. This was Touma�s biggest fear, the one that she had assured him over and over again that wouldn�t happen to him. Now she was using it against him, it didn�t make her feel very good, however she�d do anything to get custody of her son. Especially since she found out she couldn�t have anymore children.

�You�re lying, you don�t believe that,� Touma said more to himself than to her.

�I fear for my child�s safety and how do I know that he�s safe with you?�

�I�d never hurt him! Do you honestly think I want Ken to go through one second of what I did?�

Grace took a deep breath, �I really don�t know, Touma. I do know that Ken�s life is kind of starting out like yours and that you�re depressed. How do I know that you�re not going to turn to alcohol? There are some people who say alcoholism is genetic.�

�I�m not like that. I love my son, I�d sooner kill myself than hurt him.�

�So you say. And how is it going to affect my son living with his gay father?�

�That has nothing to do with this, Grace! I�m not involved with anyone.�

�Of course not, knowing you, you�re going to forever obsess about your long lost blond. And just by looking at you, I understand why he cheated on you and wonder how come he didn�t do it sooner! It�s about time you get over him, cause I don�t see why he�d want to come back to a freak! Face it, Touma, no one could bring themselves to care about a worthless person like you! Not even your own parents!�

That was it, she went too far. Touma clenched his fists, not out of anger, it was out of a sense of betrayal and much hurt. Grace�s words hurt more than he liked to think, what hurt more was that he knew they were true. The only person who truly cared about him was his four year old son. Tears stung his eyes, yet they didn't fall. In a steady, low voice, he said, �Get out.�

Grace was sorry for what she had said. She went beyond arguing over their son, she went into his pains and fears, then threw them all into his face. This was her friend, a man she admired and once loved when she met him about five years ago. He trusted her with so much and she was betraying all of the faith he put into her. She had just cause more pain than she had ever caused anyone. �Touma, I-�

�Get out!� Touma�s voice had a dangerous edge to it.

Biting her lip, she nodded and scampered out the apartment.

Not moving from the spot he was standing in, Touma ran his hand through his still damp locks of hair and shut his eyes. "This isn�t happening, this isn�t happening." He told himself. "Why is she doing this? I thought she was my friend. Can�t I trust anyone? Seiji, I miss you, I love you and Grace is right, I have to get over you, but I don�t think I can. Well, let�s see if I can settle on trying to be your friend again, I need one right now."

Plucking the piece of paper with the hotel address and room number scribbled down off of his night stand, he shoved it into his pocket and grabbed his jacket out of his closet.

<<>><<>><<>>

Standing in front of the door, Touma checked the number on it again, it was the same as the one on the paper. He had no clue how to get to the hotel, so he took a taxi, giving the driver the address and the driver got him there in ten minutes. It was surprisingly easy to get into the hotel, he went to one of the side doors to find that you needed a card key to get in, but a nice little girl opened it for him.

Staring at the slab of wood that separated him from the person he loved, he brought his fist up to knock on it. Doing his best to calm his nerves, Touma knocked before he chickened out. Waiting there for awhile, he came to the conclusion that Seiji wasn�t there. It was kind of late in the morning and Seiji was an early riser, he might be out. About to leave, Touma froze when he heard the doorknob turn.

He almost began to tremble just thinking about the blond's face, his golden hair, violet eyes, pale skin . . . Time seemed to stand still as that door opened all the way and he got his first glimpse of the man he had not seen for six years. Seiji almost looked the same, except the hair was a bit different, it was shorter now and the way it was styled allowed both eyes to be visible. He was just as beautiful as ever, if not more. If Touma were to die now, he would've died a happy man.

It was obvious that Seiji wasn't the least bit expecting him of all people to be there, standing outside his hotel room. Shock was evident on his face, whether that was a good or bad thing, Touma did not know, he was afraid to find out. A whole tidal wave of emotions washed over the archer just by looking at the man in front of him.

Excitement, happiness, nervousness, fear, love and other emotions that he could not describe filled him. The silence made him want to run, fearing that this had been a bad idea and he should've just returned Seiji's call.

"Touma . . ." his voice was soft and hard to hear. The archer's legs just about gave out at the blond came forward and wrapped his arms around him. "I can't believe you're here, I've missed you, Tou," Seiji whispered in his ear.

It felt so good to be in his arms, to be pressed against his warm body. After how his morning started off, he needed this, he needed to feel like he was safe and loved, even if he wasn't. The rational part of his mind was telling him that all the warmth and safety he felt by being in Seiji's embrace wouldn't last more than a few more seconds. Ignoring his best judgment for once, he let himself become lost in his emotions. Touma felt cold and hollow again as they pulled away from each other.

�Come in, it�s just a hotel room, but it�s better than the hallway,� Seiji smiled gently, letting Touma inside the room, then they sat down on the chairs by the window. �So, how has life been treating you?�

//It couldn�t be more unfair.// �Pretty good,� he lied. �And what about you? I�m sorry to hear about you and Ryo.�

Seiji sighed, �I�ll live.�

There was an uncomfortable silence, neither of them knew what to say to each other. Finally Touma broke the muteness. �Mizu is pregnant,� he simply stated.

�What!?�

Touma grinned, �I guess two months ago Shin was a little busy in bed with Mizu. They came back from France, cause they found out that she was two months pregnant.�

�Wow, this is big! They�ve been trying for so long.�

�And I hear you�re going to an uncle. I, um, ran into your mother awhile ago.�

�So I�ve heard. I�ve also heard that you�re a father.�

His cheeks went flush and he nodded. �Yeah, I�m still getting used to the fact that I�m a dad now.�

�Does your son live with you most of the time, or your ex-wife?�

The red on his cheeks became darker and he began to fidget. �Kenji lives with me most of the time. And actually, I was never married. It was kind of a one time thing.�

Seiji had to grin, he had almost forgotten how cute Touma was when he blushed. He was pleased to see that over the years Touma hadn't lost any of his beauty. He didn't change much either, except his legs were a little longer and his bangs fell into his face more, since he wasn't wearing his headband anymore.

The blond didn't think that he'd be this thrilled to see his old friend. Now that Touma was right next to him, it stirred up some good memories in him. Practical jokes they'd play on each other, watching movies in the living room, Touma reading to him in bed, nights spent on the roof star gazing, afternoons meditating and sparing, bedtimes laying together, kissing and making love . . .

It also made him think of Ryo. He could only guess what the bearer of Rekka was doing now. Seiji missed Ryo terribly, realizing how empty his life was without the hot tempered man by his side. A part of him wanted to go crawl back to Ryo and promise that to him he'd never do anything that stupid again, hoping for forgiveness.

Another part told him that he did the right thing, that he knew the relationship had really ended awhile ago. It hurt to know that it was over, that he and Ryo obviously weren't meant to be. The world wasn't that great when there wasn't someone to share it with, Seiji was unused to the period of time being alone after you broke up with someone.

"Of course you�re not used to it." Seiji criticized himself. "You broke up with Touma to be with Ryo. What do you know about being lonely? You've only been away from Ryo for a couple of days."

"Is this where you're going to stay until you find a new place to live?" asked Touma, making Seiji's train of thoughts derail.

"For the most part."

"Why don't you stay with me then?"

Seiji was caught off guard by the question. "I wouldn't want to be a burden."

"You wouldn't be, there�s a guest room that really hasn�t been used yet that you can stay in. We could catch up on our lives. You wouldn�t be a burden," Touma tried to assure him. "Please say yes, please say yes."

The loneliness on Touma's face was clear to Seiji, he could tell that his friend would like some company. How could he refuse? The blond owed Touma this much, after all that he had done. "Just till I find another place and I'm going to pay you back. Thank you, even after six years, you're just as kind as ever, I'm glad to see that something�s never change."

"Seiji . . ." Touma didn't know what to say. He always got tongue tied at these kinds of moments.

"Again, thank you, Tou, you don't know how much this means to me."

"No problem.� "I wonder if I can stand being near you with loosing my mind or cool."

<<>><<>><<>>

Kenji was in high spirits that day, he knew nothing of his parents fighting over him or of his father�s pain, all he knew was that he had a good feeling that this would be a great day. So far he was right, after preschool, his new Uncle Shin and Aunt Mizu took him to the aquarium.

Never had he seen so many fish in his life, his Uncle Shin told him about every fish they saw, he had stood there quietly, soaking up all the information he could. When he got home, he wanted to tell his papa all the new things he had learned.

�Touma�s going to hate us,� Shin murmured to himself as he handed Kenji a giant stuffed whale. �But every little boy needs to be spoiled by his aunts and uncles.�

�Thank you, you�re the best Uncle Shin in the world!� Kenji smiled brightly as he hugged the soft whale, he couldn�t wait to show his papa the new toy he got.

�I sure hope so, cause I�m the only Uncle Shin you got, kiddo,� he smiled ruefully, lifting the boy into the back seat of the jeep and helping him buckle the seat belt.

�Can we go see more fish? I wanna see a shark, a big shark with scary teeth and can eat a whole man.�

�Maybe next time, it�s time for you to go home now,� Mizu answered. �Your papa probably misses you.�

Kenji nodded and looked out the window as the jeep pulled out of the parking lot and started towards his home. The young boy had a lot on his mind. He was confused that his father had asked him if he wanted to go live with his mother and Matsuji. Even if he did love his mother, he found himself disliking the thought of living with her. She wasn�t home as often as his papa was.

Papa was always home, while his momma would be gone most of the day, then come back at night. And Papa would always play with him, Momma would usually be too tired. There was a plus side in living with Momma though, she didn�t have as many rules as Papa and she bought him anything he wanted.

Still, he didn�t want only that, he wanted Momma to play with him, she didn�t care for legos or race cars though. He thought Papa knew this, knowing Papa, he probably forgot, Kenji would have to remind him later on. Anyway, if Kenji left, who would be there to play with Papa?

His thoughts shifted over to the man who had called for his papa a couple nights ago. He hoped that this Seiji person would come and visit his father, when he was away at school, his father was all alone. Even if he was gone for only half of the day, he was uncomfortable thinking that his father was by himself, he knew that Papa didn�t like being alone.

Gazing out the window of the jeep, he watched familiar buildings go by and other cars zoom passed them. Clutching the stuffed whale closer to him, Kenji remembered that he was going over to his mother�s house next month for three whole weeks. Usually he�d just go for a week or two, but this time it would be for three. He wasn�t looking forward to it though, he didn�t like Matsuji.

Matsuji wasn�t nice all the time, sometimes he�d yell at Kenji, when his father never raised his voice even if he were mad. He wished that Matsuji would go away and Momma would find a new person to be her friend. In his humble opinion, Matsuji was a big bully who needed to be kicked.

The jeep came to a stop in the parking lot of the apartment building Kenji lived in. Unbuckling the seat belt, Kenji waited for Shin to come around and open the door for him before jumping out. Mizu came over and took the boy�s hand, smiling brightly down at him.

There was something about his Aunt Mizu that Kenji really liked. She had a warmth to her that his own mother didn�t have. If there were standards to what a mother would be like, Mizu would set them. To the little boy, all mothers should look happy, be caring, worry over you, carry candy in their purse and smell like lavenders.

His own momma didn�t always look happy, she did care, but not really worry so much, she didn�t carry candy around and she smelt like some perfume she bought in England that he didn�t like much. He felt a little bad about comparing his mother to his Aunt Mizu. Little did he know, Touma used to do the same thing, only he compared his mother with everyone else�s mother. When they got up to the apartment, Kenji could hear talking coming from inside. He wondered if his momma had stopped to visit.

�Hey Ken,� Touma greeted him once he opened the door.

�Look Papa, I got a whale. A whale isn�t a fish, it�s a mammal,� Kenji said proudly.

�I bet Shin taught you that,� Touma picked up the four year old in his arms. �Thanks for taking him, do you want to come in? Seiji is here.�

�Really? That�d be just great! We�d love to come in!� Mizu replied, she couldn�t wait to get the chance to play match maker.

�Mizu, we have to get going, remember? We�re going out to dinner with your friend,� Shin gently reminded her.

�Oh yeah,� she looked disappointed. �Well, we�ll stop by again. See ya, Ken.��

�Bye Aunt Mizu, bye Uncle Shin. Thank you.�

�Bye and thank you again for taking him to the aquarium.�

�We had a lot of fun too. Bye Touma, bye Ken,� Shin waved as he and Mizu walked back down the hall.

Setting Kenji back on the ground, Touma closed the door and locked it. Taking advantage of his father being distracted, Kenji ran into the living room, he wanted to see this Seiji guy. He spotted a man with blond hair sitting on the couch, his hands neatly folded on his lap, waiting for Touma to come back. The man looked at Kenji as the little boy entered the room.

�Hi, I�m Hashiba Kenji,� the boy said boldly as he sat down next to the blond. �Are you Seiji?�

The man nodded, �Yes, I do believe that we�ve talked on the phone before.�

�We did,� Kenji agreed. �Are you here to play with Papa?�

�Um, I�m going to be staying here until I find another place to live,� Seiji answered. �Unless you don�t want me around, then I�ll leave.�

�No, you can stay, Papa needs a friend to play with, then he�d always be happy. He isn�t always happy, sometimes he thinks about sad memories and then becomes sad and there isn�t anything I can do. Sometimes he�s so sad he cries.�

Concern flashed in Seiji�s eyes. �He gets sad?�

�Yeah and I don�t know what to do bout it.�

Touma came into the room, looking embarrassed. �I think it�s better that we don�t get into that, Ken. Why don�t you tell us about your day? I bet it had to be exciting to see all those fish.�

Ken sat there, retelling his day in detail that only Touma could compete with. He talked about the fish, what he learned that was new, how Uncle Shin bought him the stuffed whale and how Aunt Mizu makes him think of what a mother is supposed to be. After he told them about his day, Touma made dinner and they ate quietly at the dining table, it was Kenji who did most of the talking.

The young boy observed that even though Seiji and his papa didn�t really talk to each other a lot, it wasn�t that uncomfortable silence that you�d get with someone you didn�t know that well. It was the kind of silence that reminded him of the silence there was while you were reading, it was soothing and comforting. From this, Kenji judged that his papa and Seiji had known each other for a long time.

Once dinner was finished and the dishes were cleaned and put away, they went back into the living room. What happened after that, Kenji didn�t know, he fell asleep on the couch.

<<>><<>><<>>

Seiji watched as Touma lifted up his son and carried him into his bedroom. He was impressed how well behaved Kenji was and how intelligent he was. Much better than most of the other little kids some of his other friends had. He could only imagine how difficult it is for Touma to be raising the boy without an example to follow. Touma had to learn from the mistakes his father made and try not to repeat them. The archer came back into the room and sat down on the other side of the couch.

"Thanks for being so polite, I know Kenji can talk a lot sometimes. He just gets really excited about guests. Just to warn you, by tomorrow, he's going to have you playing with his race cars."

Seiji chuckled, "I think that I can handle that. He's a good kid, you must be very proud of him."

Leaning back against the couch cushions, Touma nodded, "I am, I couldn't be more proud of him. He's all I really got and I have to wonder where I'd be without him."

To hear Touma say that was upsetting, Seiji could only guess what it was like for the archer, thinking that the only person who cared for him was his son. The blond knew very well that their friends cared deeply for Touma, that he cared for him.

Grabbing Touma's hand, Seiji gently squeezed it. "Kenji isn't all you've got. You've got your friends and I know that I haven't been around for the last six years, but I'll be here for you now."

A faint pink crept up on Touma's cheeks. "Seiji . . . thank you." Touma looked shyly over at the blond. "And I'm here for you too. If you want to talk about anything, like, well, you know."

"You mean Ryo, right?"

"Yes."

Closing his eyes, Seiji tightened his grip on Touma's hand slightly. "I hate to admit it, but the relationship has been over for a few months, we just never realized it. Now I can only think back at what we once had and question if I'll ever have something like it again."

"I'm sure you will, it just takes some time. Knowing you, you'll find another person and they'll love you just as much as Ryo did." "And maybe as much as I do."

"Well, at least I feel a little better now. Tou," Seiji looked his friend in the eyes, "I want to apologize."

"For what?"

"For everything. For breaking up with you the way I did. For not keeping in contact. For hurting you."

The guilt of everything he had done before had been heavy on his chest for a long time. He could never forgive himself for hurting his friend, he knew he had hurt him just by looking into those bright, blue eyes. It wasn't just guilt either. It was regret of leaving Touma.

Touma shook his head, "Seiji, I know you're sorry for all of those things, but they happened and there's nothing that we can do about it. Don't worry about them, they're in the past now. Well, I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to go to bed now. I have to go into the office tomorrow for a meeting, so I need to get up early."

"All right, it's about time I got to bed too."

Touma got off the couch and just as he was about to leave, he hesitated and then said, "I know that you didn't believe me before, but when I said that I loved you when we were together, I meant it. And you were always far more important than my studies, you were more important than anything else in the world."

Seiji could only stare as Touma hastily retreated to his bedroom, leaving the blond dumbfounded and speechless.

<<>>

Hiruma: So, there�s the third chapter for ya!

Touma: It could�ve been better.

Seiji: Yeah, and since when am I �dumbfounded and speechless�? That could�ve been done MUCH better.

Hiruma: You guys are never nice to me . . . Anyway, I�d like to give a BIG thanks to Wildefye, if it wasn�t for her, this chapter wouldn�t be possible.

Gohan: *cough* suck up *cough*

Hiruma: -__- You�re all very mean . . .

Trunks: Please let Hiruma know what you think or she might get the idea that no one wants her to finish. Also, keep sending in title suggestions! She�s still clueless on which on to use.