11/05/99 - Well, my head has finally cleared and I feel good enough to talk about my Halloween party. Now, bear in mind my apartment is still trashed. I just found a foot tall rubber rat in my microwave! I'll try to keep things fairly chronological but I was a wee bit intoxicated so I'll bet I forgot a lot of stuff. I was supposed to get a ton of stuff done for the party the night before (finish decorations, make jello and such) but insted I got to Ron's. We go out to Walgreens and buy SOME alcohol. Walgreens doesn't have all the food items that we need. This Walgreens sells only feminine products and booze, so we also have to make a trip to SUPER K. It's quite super, believe me. So I get Jello, pop, Cool-Aid, chips Multi Beverage Containers and we leave. Drop the stuff off and head back to Ron's for some network gaming. I play Starcraft untill 6am with Mark Shumaker. It was like a 2 vs 9 million terran on zerg battle and took hours. I get back to my place at like 6:45am and start boiling water for Jello shots. I make a shitload of Jello shots and my fridge starts smelling like Robert Downey Jr. I finally get that shit done and go to bed at 8am. Wake up to the lovely alert beep of my Nextel phone. Work thinks its time for me to rise from my slumber and answer questions. I get the info they need and call Ron Serio. I call every dude I can think of that hasn't already been invited and tell them to come. I even left a message for Shazam!! Ron shows up about 3:45 or so and we start to get the important things done. We start making drinks and testing drinks and more testing until we start giggling a lot. Right about this time a Baker calls and says he is coming over. Now, there is nothing better than a Baker helping out with a party. Most of the stuff is done at this point except moving and hooking up my stereo in the livingroom. The person who is supposed to do this is M.I.A. so I have a Baker do it. Baker complains about the silver and gold on the speaker wire for some unknown reason. I then have Baker drive me to get Ice as I have already been drinking for a couple hours. Tim "hi I'm too gay to come hook up your stereo on time because I have to cater to this girl who isn't even sleeping with me" Radloff shows up as we get back from getting Ice and hooks up his Dvd player and brought like 5 movies. He brought some girl that complains that I don't have Zima. OMG Who asks for Zima?? I point her in the direction of the goods. Lets see, there was Cidercide, Hawaain Smack, 3 kinds of Jello shots (vodka/orange, rum/berry, and Jack/Cherry - nastiest yet most popular), Goldschlager, and beer (for sucks) **legal notice, most of these drinks are ripped off from the Nightbreed Windycon parties** She drinks some cidercide and 5 mins later comes back to me saying I'd better make more if it runs out. A little later, Maggie calls and she brings over Barb and some random dude. Maggie and I have a big problem drinking around each other and for her the only solution seems to be sleeping on the bathroom floor. I bring her a drink because she has a lot of catching up to do since I'd been drinking for at least 3 hours or so. We have some goldschlager and things start to get a little fuzzy from this point. Cara and Jenny Newby show up as does Nickie, Shannon and her husband (how wierd is that? he would be a random if he wasn't married to somebody there I know) At some point when I'm in the bedroom trying to make out Ron serio busts in screaming "while you were kissing that girl Baker pissed off your balcony!!!" You'd think that would be the highlight of the night but special guest JIM THOMAS shows up!!! By this time Ron and I are both very intoxicated. We spend some time moshing around to his compilation cd (mine was on cdr and didn't work ) that he made.
Somehow I end up with a small baseball bat. Like a mini souvineer one, nothing major. Well the underwear gnomes have been on my screensaver for like a month and in my drunken state I just want to hit people with a stick and say "bad." Even drunk I'm no dumbass, I'm not going to hit these random dudes with sticks, so I spend most of my evening hitting girls with a stick telling them "bad!" While all this is going on Ron Serio gets the idea to call my mother and invite her. Not 45 minutes later my mom is at the party. I'm laughing my ass off at this point. My mom hangs out with a bunch of my old friends that were going to be at the party. And I mean it, she goes to concerts and stuff with them. So it's totally casual. It was a nice night so most of the people spent time on the balcony. Somehow my couch went out there. Ron get a little out of hand and destroyed my poor pumpkin my chucking it off the 3rd floor. People come and go and Baker and Ron end up staying. Baker, because he had no sober ride to get him home (sorry). Luckily nobody puked all over or anything ass like that and the party was a success. I'm sure Ron will add anything that I missed.
Later Yo
Sam Heckman
Halloween Party!
10/20/99 - It's that time of year again!
The Crew is proud to invite you all to a Halloween Party at Sam Heckman's on Saturday October 30th. The festivities start at dusk and end at dawn (and you bet your ass I'm serious). Costumes are not required, but we like to encourage the ladies to be A. Cats B. French Maids or C. Anything with a plaid skirt and pigtails. Halloween Engineers are working around the clock to assure that this will be even better than anything you have ever seen before in your entire goddamn life. For more info and directions contact:[email protected]
It's Official!
9/30/99 - Cru-Tang Clan member Pete Shumaker has long been rumored to be a wife beater at heart. But not until the Hanover Park papparazzi captured this insiteful photo was there any proof. Though Pete denies actually having a wife, what the picture shows is undeniable.
*Note* The Crew Page and its staff members in no way support or recommend wife beating.
The Rumors Are True: One of a kind Fungus Elemental found in Sam's apartment!
9/24/99 - We bring you this interesting piece of E-mail:
Dear Crew Page,
My name is Sam Heckman and I have never considered myself to be a good drafter. As it stands right now, I've been called the best rare drafter in Magic.
I'm 23 and live in a small town in Illinois. I have been playing magic for almost 5 years and have never been able to grasp the complex nature of limited formats. I am however much better known for my constructed play so in May '97 I tried my luck at the Northern Regionals in Minnesota. I played Crew Sligh that day and expected to reduce a lot of life totals to zero, but I never could imagine what actually happened.
I was able draw in the finals that day with a gentleman named Ron Serio who was playing a deck similar to mine, but lacking in key cards such as Talruum Minotaur. That, however, is merely where the adventure began.
It was Friday, first day of the U.S. Nationals draft. I was doing well, drafting red/white with a splash of green. Donnie Gallitz had gotten all of the good red elim at the table and my deck was starting to look terrible. All I had left was one pack of Weatherlight to save my whole draft. Started going through the commons and laying out the cards for rochester, I saw the strangest card staring me in the face. It was a Fungus Elemental. Here is the thing that makes me laugh, I skipped over it to check out another card. In case you were wondering it was Empyrial Armor. Afterward, I went back to look at the Elemental, I didn't know what to think of this so I looked at the other drafters and they seemed unhappy. It must have been because I pulled such a saucy rare, so I snagged it! Unfortunately I didn't do so great in the draft but afterwards I showed the card to Melissa Lang who first asked me where I got it. When I told her she said that dealers were buying stamped cards. She walked me over to a dealer who offered me $1.00!!!
At that moment, I realized that I had stumbled over something great. I told the dealer I'd get back to him and placed the card in a fat ultra-pro sleeve like people used to use for type 1 decks. I was then known as the "Fungus Guy."
If you are still reading this you must be bored sick, so I'll cut to the chase. Over the past couple of years this card has been the pride of my collection, but I just got a new place and the rent is kinda high so I'm willing to auction it on Ebay. It has come down to fame vs. fortune and some other sap can have the fame. This is a one of a kind rare and you should not pass up the opportunity to purchase such a fine card. The bidding will start with the original offer I received over 2 long years ago.
9/22/99 - We may kid around a bit about the exploits of certain people. Sometimes this involves embellishing the truth a little bit. Other times outright lying. This, however is pure fact. Please take a look at two very disturbing pieces of evidence.
Fact #1. Please review this information from www.fbi.gov This is a link to the FBI Most Wanted web site. The description of the suspect is disturbingly similar to Francis Keys. I know for certain that Francis has travelled to Magic tournaments in both states mentioned in the link below where crimes have been commited.
Fact #2. This is an irc log that occured today at approximately 16:00 CST. In this log you will see a conversation between Francis Keys (Pierrot) and others in the irc channel on EFNET #mtg.
begin log
(Pierrot) I was highly tempted to commit a felony one day last month. I went to the bank. At the teller closest to the door was a security schlep picking up "change" for Treasure Island, a local casino. The first bag of "change" was a pillow-sized plastic bag full of familiar green bills. The bag had "$426,000" printed on it in red marker. The next bag of "change" was another pillow-sized plastic bag that said "$275,000." Then they handed over multiple, obviously heavy burlap bags that appeared to actually contain "change." The security guard was wearing a 9mm in a hip holster. He was about 6', maybe 170. There was no other visible security.
(bnl_work) how accessible was the 9mm to you....?
(Pierrot) I was at the next teller with that hip nearest me. It was a Beretta 92F, a weapon I am intimately familiar with. I could have had it out and cocked with the safety off in 2-3 seconds.
(bnl_work) pierrot: where does this familiarity come from ?
(Pierrot) I own one.
(Wonko) pierrot: well, unless the secuirty guy knew karate or something...
(Pierrot) Wonko: Even if he did, he was completely relaxing on the counter. I kept thinking about bank robberies where random guy gets away with $5,000 or something. Oh, I had no doubt that they'd have a million pictures of me. And I might have had to shoot a couple people.
(bnl_work) pierrot: army,etc. experience or civilian experience?
(Pierrot) bnl_work: Marine corps, but we shot M16s and Colts. Minnesota is kind of a gun state. Tons of fishing and hunting enthusiasts
(bnl_work) what's the security guy got? maybe state police academy?
(Pierrot) bnl_work: If that. Surprise would have crushed him. The big risk for me was finding out that there are 20 guys behind the one-way mirror. It astounded me. That's why I kept thinking about people who hold up a bank for $5 or $10K. Timing is everything! This was seriously slack security for almost a mil. I've always thought that if I got really pissed off, it would be great to be a super criminal!
end log
I urge anyone that may come in contact with Francis to use extreme caution. He may be armed and dangerous!!!
Coming soon to a PTQ near you...
Ron vs. Pete Schumaker (right) of Crew Tang Clan Fame
9/21/99 - Rumors have reached the staff of The Crew Homepage that Crewmembers Ron Serio and Sam Heckman have enlisted the help of various Crew Tang Clan cohorts to assist in Urza's Block playtesting. A brief itinerary that was found in Sam Heckman's trash, written on a used kleenex, indicates that The Crew will be travelling all through the Midwest during the month of October in search of slots.
Blackberry Brandy...
Ain't Nothin Wrong With That
Macey Bares All
Bill Macey does his best to impress the women of Magic
9/17/99 - Earlier this week Former Crew member Bill Macey became outraged at learning that he was voted only the third sexist man in Magic by a panel of women at the recent Pro Tour DC. In an attempt to raise the public's awareness of his awesome bod and put a little cash in his pocket, Macey has agreed to pose for a year 2,000 calendar. The calendar is tentively titled "12 Months - 12 Inches" and will be made available through OTS Promotions. To pre-order "12 Months - 12 Inches" or to receive additional information on this and OTS Inc.'s other fine projects you can call their corporate headquarters at (847) 303-9867.
