Episode 177 (921) The Clip Show (1) INT. COMEDY CLUB Jerry stands on stage, microphone in hand, doing a stand-up routine. JERRY: It seems like whenever these office people call you in for a meeting, the whole thing is about the sitting down. "I would really like to sit down with you." "I think we need to sit down and talk." "Why don't you come in, and we'll sit down." But sometimes the sitting down doesn't work. people get mad at the sitting. "You know, we've been sitting here for I don't know how long. How much longer are we just gonna sit here?!" I'll tell you what I think we should do. I think we should all sleep on it. Maybe we're not gettin' down low enough. Maybe if we all lie down, then our brains will work. EXT. MONK'S RESTAURANT - DAY - ESTABLISHING George and Jerry sit at the usual booth. GEORGE: I can't eat this without ketchup. George looks at the waitress. GEORGE: Would it kill her to check up on us? Would that be a terrible thing? "How's everything? Do you need anything? What can I do for you?" JERRY: I know what you mean. GEORGE: Do ya? JERRY: It's like going out with someone, and then you never hear from them again. GEORGE: Same thing. JERRY: Not really, but it's something. Ask the people behind you. GEORGE: Excuse me. Are you using your ketchup? George turns around to the couple behind him. LADY: What do you think? You want to give him the ketchup? MAN: It's up to you. LADY: You know what? I don't think so. I'm gonna need it from time to time. GEORGE: Ho ho! JERRY: So what are you doing later? You want to go to the movies? GEORGE: Nah. What for? JERRY: To see a movie. GEORGE: I've been to the movies. JERRY: Not this movie. GEORGE: They're all the same. You go, you sit, you eat popcorn, you watch--I'm sick of it. JERRY: Did you shower today? GEORGE: Yeah. JERRY: That's usually the kind of mood I'm in when I haven't showered. GEORGE: When is it gonna be my turn, Jerry? When do I get my 15 minutes? I want my 15 minutes! JERRY: Oh, quit complaining. At least you have your health. GEORGE: Ah, health's not good enough. I want more than health. Health's not doing it for me anymore. I'm sick of health! LADY: All right, we're done. You can have it now. She hands George an empty ketchup bottle. GEORGE: Oh, very gracious. He opens his burger, turns the bottle upside down and hits the bottom, but nothing comes out. EXT. CITY STREET - DAY Jerry and George walk down the sidewalk. A man walks past them. MAN: Nice day. GEORGE: Yeah. JERRY: What is that? Kramer drives up in his car. Elaine is in the passenger's seat. KRAMER: Hey, Jojo! JERRY: Hey, hey. KRAMER: Hey. ELAINE: All right, thanks for the ride, Kramer. KRAMER: No. Thank you. Elaine gets out of the car and joins Jerry and George on the sidewalk. KRAMER: So what are you doing? JERRY: Nothin'. KRAMER: Come on. Let's go to the beach. GEORGE: What are you, crazy? KRAMER: Come on. It's a beautiful day. JERRY: Have a good time. KRAMER: Yeah, there's something in the air today. You feel it? There's something in the air. JERRY: You know you're turning into Burt Lancaster? KRAMER: Yeah, there's something in the air. ELAINE: Oh! I forgot to call Jill. Elaine takes a cell phone out of her bag and makes her call. ELAINE: Jill! Hi! It's Elaine. How is your father? Is everything ok? What? Ugh. I can't hear you so good. There's a lot of static. What--I'm gonna call you back. She hangs up. JERRY: Jill's father is in the hospital, and you call to ask about him on a cell phone? ELAINE: What, no good? JERRY: Faux pas. ELAINE: Faux pas? GEORGE: Big, hefty, stinking faux pas. ELAINE: Why? JERRY: You can't make a health inquiry on a cell phone. It's like saying, "I don't want to take up any of my important time in my home, so I'll just get it out of the way on the street." GEORGE: And the street cell phone call is the lowest phone call you can make. JERRY: It's an act of total disregard. It's selfish. GEORGE: It's dismissive. JERRY: It's pompous. GEORGE: Why don't you think before you do something? ELAINE: Here's a thought. Bye-bye. Elaine walks off. GEORGE: Too much? Jerry nods. EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY The door opens and Jerry and George enter. GEORGE: Boy. I'm really surprised at Elaine. That whole phone business, she should know better than that. George walks into the bathroom, but doesn't close the door. JERRY: Hey, hey, hey! GEORGE: What? JERRY: Where do you think this relationship is? If you are thinking of instituting an open-door urination policy, let me disabuse you of that notion right now, my friend. GEORGE: You're so uptight. JERRY: Yeah, uptight. Let's all just have a big pee party. Hey, everybody, grab a bucket. we're going up to Jerry's. It's a pee party. George slams the door closed and Jerry checks his answering machine. MACHINE: Jerry, this is Elizabeth Clark calling from James Kimbrough's office at NBC, could you please give us a call? Thanks. Jerry picks up the phone and dials. JERRY: Hello? Yeah, hi. This is Jerry Seinfeld calling for James Kimbrough. Hello? Hi. Uh-huh. Really?! Uh, no problem. Definitely. Ok. Bye-bye. George comes out of the bathroom. Jerry hangs up. JERRY: That was James Kimbrough. GEORGE: Who's he? JERRY: He is the new president of NBC! He wants to sit down with us and talk about "Jerry." GEORGE: Our show? "Jerry?" JERRY: Right. GEORGE: "Jerry?!" Oh, my god! He wants to talk about "Jerry?" JERRY: Yeah! GEORGE: When? JERRY: Today! Like right now! GEORGE: Right now?! "Jerry?!" JERRY: "Jerry!" GEORGE: He wants to talk about "Jerry?!" JERRY: He wants to talk about "Jerry!" GEORGE: "Jerry!" JERRY: "Jerry!" GEORGE: Can I go like this?! JERRY: Sure! GEORGE: No sports jacket?! I don't need s sports jacket?! Writers wear sports jackets! JERRY: Forget the sports jacket! GEORGE: I won't feel like a writer! JERRY: You're not a writer! GEORGE: Right! George and Jerry leave. EXT. NBC STUDIOS - DAY - ESTABLISHING INT. NBC STUDIOS - DAY George and Jerry sit on a couch in the waiting room. The walls have posters of NBC shows. GEORGE: Water. Water. Need some water. Water here! JERRY: Ok. Now, listen, I don't want any scenes in here like the last time. GEORGE: Don't worry. Don't worry. No scenes. JERRY: Don't blow this. GEORGE: I will not blow this. JERRY: If he says he doesn't want it to be a show about nothing, don't go nuts. GEORGE: It's fine. It doesn't have to be about nothing. JERRY: He might not want nothing. GEORGE: Something, nothing--I could care less. JERRY: He might want a show about anything and everything. GEORGE: Anything, everything, something, nothing--Who the hell cares? Put me down! I'm down! JERRY: All right. KIMBROUGH'S SECRETARY: Mr. Kimbrough is ready to see you. Jerry and George get up. GEORGE: Magic time. JERRY: What? GEORGE: No. Nothing. INT. KIMBROUGH'S OFFICE - DAY Jerry and George walk in with the Kimbrough's secretary. Kimbrough sits behind his desk while NBC executives Stu and Crespi stand around. KIMBROUGH'S SECRETARY Mr. Kimbrough. STU: Hey! Jerry! JERRY: Hey, hello. Stu and Jerry shake hands. Mr. Kimbrough stands up. GEORGE: Hey, hey, hey! STU: How you been? JERRY: Good, good. You remember George. STU: Sure. George, good to see you. GEORGE: Hello, Stu. Stu and George shake hands. STU: You remember Jay Crespi? Crespi and George shake. GEORGE: Jay Crespi. How could I forget Jay Crespi? STU: This is James Kimbrough. Kimbrough shakes Jerry and George hands. KIMBROUGH: Nice to meet you. Pleasure. Thanks for coming in. GEORGE: Kimbrough... JERRY: Don't spell it. GEORGE: K-i-m...B-r-o-u-g-h. KIMBROUGH: That's right! GEORGE: Yes. It's a talent I have. KIMBROUGH: Why don't we sit down. GEORGE: All right! KIMBROUGH: I'm glad you're here. Stu and Crespi sit on a couch across from Jerry and George's couch. Kimbrough sits in a chair. GEORGE: Whoo! Some day out there, huh? Did you ever see weather like that? Whoo! It's crisp! It's Crespi crisp! JERRY: Shut up, George. KIMBROUGH: Can I get you anything? GEORGE: What do we have in the fruit department? JERRY: Oy. STU: Pineapple? GEORGE: That's a dangerous fruit. It's like a weapon, that thing. It's got spikes on the end. You could get killed from one of those things. They all chuckle. KIMBROUGH: Anyway, let me tell you why I called. When I took over here last month, I reviewed what was in development, and it was pretty much same old-same old. GEORGE: Been there, done that. KIMBROUGH: Right. I was looking for something different. Something that would have people talking at the water coolers. GEORGE: Water coolers? CRESPI: We call it a water cooler show. JERRY: Because the next day in the offices, people gather around the water coolers to talk about it, right? GEORGE: Huh. See, I would think people would talk about it at the, uh, coffee machines. JERRY: Well, it's probably just easier to say "water cooler show" than "coffee machine show." GEORGE: Well, it's really not accurate. Nobody drinks from a water cooler anymore. They use bottles. JERRY: But I think Mr. Kimbrough makes good point. KIMBROUGH: Anyway, Stu here started telling me about a show, "Jerry," that he developed 5 years ago. STU: I have always loved it. KIMBROUGH: He said it was a show about nothing. So I saw the pilot, and I've gotta tell you, I flipped out. CRESPI: He totally flipped out. KIMBROUGH: What I want to do is put it on the air. 13-episode commitment. Start it off on Wednesday night, build an audience. This show needs time to grow. I love that Kramer guy. JERRY: He's a little off-the-wall. CRESPI: Oh, yeah! Clever! STU: Kramer. KIMBROUGH: And Elaine, I wouldn't mind seeing something happening between you two. JERRY: Definitely. GEORGE: I'll tell ya, I, uh, I really don't think so-called "Relationship humor" Is what this show's all about. KIMBROUGH: Or we could not do the show altogether. How about that? GEORGE: Or we could get them together. Everyone laughs and George interlocks his fingers. GEORGE: Whoo! INT. NBC STUDIOS - DAY Jerry and George walk out of Kimbrough's office. They look at each other elated, throwing their arms in the air, trying to contain their urges to yell. They're about to hug, but don't. EXT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING ELAINE: Jill, hi. It's Elaine. INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY Elaine is on her bed. She's talking on the phone. ELAINE: Yeah. Well, I'm calling from my home. Indoors. We-well, I was just calling to see how your fath--Um, I'm sorry. I'm getting another call. Hang on just a second. Hello. INTERCUT: JERRY'S APARTMENT/ELAINE'S APARTMENT JERRY: Hi, Elaine! It's me! ELAINE: Jerry, I'm on the other line. JERRY: No, no! This is an emergency! Get off the phone! ELAINE: Uh, I'm sorry, Jill. I'm gonna have to take this call. Jerry, what's the emergency? JERRY: "Jerry's" back on! The TV show! George and I are moving to California! ELAINE: That's the emergency? JERRY: Didn't you hear what I said?! ELAINE: I was on the other line talking to Jill. JERRY: Jill? Why didn't you say so? ELAINE: You said it was an emergency! JERRY: So now she's lost a phone face-off? That's even worse than your cell phone walk-and-talk. EXT. JERRY'S PARENT'S CONDO - DAY -ESTABLISHING HELEN: Congratulations! They're doing the show! INT. JERRY'S PARENT'S CONDO - DAY Helen and Morty are both standing in the kitchen on the phone. MORTY: They should have put that show on 5 years ago! A bunch of idiots at that network. Can I tell you something, Jerry? It's all crap on TV. The only thing I watch is Xena, The Warrior Princess. She must be about 6'6". HELEN: She's not 6'6". MORTY: Jerry, you ever watch that? JERRY: Yeah. It's pretty good. EXT. GEORGE'S PARENT'S HOUSE - DAY - ESTABLISHING ESTELLE: They picked up the show? INT. GEORGE'S PARENT'S HOUSE - DAY Frank, Estelle, and George at around the kitchen table. GEORGE: I'm moving to California! FRANK: Oh, baby doll. This kid's going places. I told ya. ESTELLE The NBC guy liked it? GEORGE: Of course he liked it. ESTELLE He told you he liked it? GEORGE: He wouldn't put it on if he didn't like it. ESTELLE Well, what are you doing? GEORGE: I'm writing. ESTELLE You know how to write? FRANK: Without the writing, you have nothing. You're the ones that make them look good. ESTELLE Since when do you know how to write? I never saw you write anything. GEORGE: Ma! ESTELLE I don't know how you're gonna write all those shows. And where are you going to get all the ideas? FRANK: Would you leave him alone?! You'll shatter his confidence! GEORGE: I don't need any ideas. It's a show about nothing. ESTELLE Nothing, please. I'll tell you the truth. The whole thing sounds pretty stupid to me. EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY- ESTABLISHING JERRY: NBC's letting me use their private jet?! INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY Jerry is sitting down and on the phone. JERRY: And I can go anywhere I want?! Th-that is fantastic! Thank--yeah! Great! Ok. Bye. Jerry hangs up just as Kramer enters. KRAMER: Oh, hey. JERRY: Hey. How was the beach? KRAMER: Oh. You missed it, buddy. A lot of femininas. Some major femininas. JERRY: Had a little meeting today at NBC. Kramer starts hopping on one foot and hitting the side of his head. JERRY: What are you doing? KRAMER: Well, you know, I went swimming. I can't get this water out of my ear. JERRY: So do you remember 5 years ago we did that pilot, "Jerry?" Well, the new guy at NBC wants to do it. They're putting it on the air! They're giving us a 13-episode commitment! Kramer hops over to the kitchen as Jerry is talking to him. He slips in the kitchen and falls. JERRY: George and I are moving to California! Kramer gets up. KRAMER: You're moving to California? JERRY: Yeah, but only for a while. KRAMER: Yeah, but, Jerry, what happens if the show's a hit? You could be out there for years. You might never come back. JERRY: No. I'll be back. KRAMER: Jerry, it's LA. Nobody leaves. She's a seductress. She's a siren. She's a virgin. She's a whooooore. JERRY: And my agent said, as a bonus, I can use their private jet! So we'll all go somewhere! The 4 of us! One big fling before George and I go to California! KRAMER: A fling! EXT. MONK'S RESTAURANT - DAY - ESTABLISHING INT. MONK'S RESTAURANT - DAY The foursome sits at the usual booth. ELAINE: So we can go anywhere we want? JERRY: Anywhere. ELAINE: Why are they doing this? JERRY: I think they want to make it up to us 'cause they let this thing sit on their shelf for 5 years. ELAINE: This is all very exciting! GEORGE: So, where are we going? KRAMER: Uh, well, I say Japan. ELAINE: Why Japan? KRAMER: Oh, geishas. Boy, they cater to your every whim. They're shy at first, but they're quite skilled at conversation. They can discuss anything from world affairs from the fine art of fishing...or baking. ELAINE: Oh! I got it. How about Russia? JERRY: Oh, Russia. It's so bleak. ELAINE: It's not bleak. It's springtime. JERRY: It's still bleak. ELAINE: You can't be bleak in spring. JERRY: You can be bleak in spring. GEORGE: If you're bleak, you're bleak. ELAINE: What about...Switzerland? KRAMER: Oh, Switzerland. The Von Trapp family, Huh? He sings a few notes. GEORGE: It's a bit hilly. Well... ELAINE: You're not gonna do any walking. Ha ha! GEORGE: What if I want to walk around a little? ELAINE: Well, so then you'll walk down the hill, and we'll pick you up. GEORGE: What if I'm at the bottom? ELAINE: All right, you know what?! Just forget it! JERRY: All right! Come on! Come on now, people! Let's face it. We're not all going to agree on anything. Why don't we just all...go to Paris? ELAINE: I'll go to Paris. GEORGE: Me, too. KRAMER: Ooh, yeah. Oui, oui. He speaks some French gibberish. JERRY: So that's it. It's settled. We're going to Paris. Jerry sticks his hand out, George puts his on top, then Kramer, and finally Elaine. ALL: Yeah! EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING INT. JERRY'S APRTMENT - DAY Elaine walks in. Jerry is packing his bag. ELAINE: Hey. NBC limo is downstairs. She sings the 3-note NBC jingle. ELAINE: I'm just gonna call Jill one more time before we go. JERRY: Elaine, you can't make a call like that on your way out. You can't rush that conversation. ELAINE: Well, I can't call from the limo. Can I call from the plane? JERRY: First you make a cell phone walk-and-talk. Then she loses a call waiting face-off. Now you're talking about a plane call?! ELAINE: All right. I'll just have to call her from Paris. Elaine walks to the bathroom. There's a knock at the door. Jerry opens the door and it's Newman. NEWMAN: Hello, Jerry. JERRY: Hello, Newman. What gives? NEWMAN: I was speaking earlier with Kramer, and he mentioned something about a private jet to Paris? JERRY: Yeah, that's right. NEWMAN: Well, uh, I hear it's quite beautiful there this time of year, and of course, you know I'm 1/4 French. JERRY: Really? NEWMAN: Oh, yes. In--in fact, I--I still have family there. This probably won't interest you, but I have a cousin there who's suffering very badly. JERRY: Oh. NEWMAN: She has lost all use of her muscles. She can only communicate by blinking. I would so love to see her, bring a ray of sunshine into her tragic life. But, alas, I can't afford it, for I am, as you know, but a simple postal worker. JERRY: That's a shame. Newman falls to his knees and hugs Jerry's legs. NEWMAN: Take me! Take me, Jerry! JERRY: Oh, forget it! Pull yourself together! You're making me sick! Be a man! Newman gets up. NEWMAN: All right! But hear me, and hear me well. The day will come--Oh, yes! Mark my words, Seinfeld! Your day of reckoning is coming when an evil wind will blow through your little play world and wipe that smug smile off your face! And I'll be there, in all my glory, watching--watching as it all comes crumbling down! He laughs maniacally as he walks out of the apartment. EXT. AIRPORT - DAY The private jet sits waiting. A black limo drives up and Jerry and Elaine get out. They are greeted by two pilots. MADDOX: Uh, Jerry? JERRY: Yeah. MADDOX: I'm Captain Maddox. This is my copilot, Kurt Adams. Ready to go to Paris. JERRY: All set! We'll just grab the bags. MADDOX: Oh, don't worry about that. We'll take care of it for you. JERRY: Just keeps on getting better and better. He and Elaine high ten. JERRY: Whoo! ELAINE: Aah! INT. PRIVATE JET - DAY Elaine, Jerry, Kramer, and George enter the plane. JERRY: Huh? Not bad! ELAINE: Wow! KRAMER: The only way to fly. GEORGE: This is it? EXT. PRIVATE JET - DAY The plane flies by. INT. PRIVATE JET - DAY George sits in his chair facing Elaine and Jerry behind him. He rests his chin on his hands. GEORGE: I'm sorry. I have to say I'm a little disappointed. I thought it would be a lot nicer. JERRY: You're complaining about a private jet? GEORGE: You think this is the plane that Ted Danson gets? JERRY: Ted Danson is not even on the network anymore! GEORGE: Still, I bet when they gave him a plane, it was a lot nicer than this one. ELAINE: Will you shut up? You are ruining the whole trip. GEORGE: This is a real piece of junk. I don't even feel safe on this thing. I have a good mind to write a letter to Mr. Kimbrough. JERRY: You're not writing any letters! ELAINE: Will you turn around? GEORGE: Why? ELAINE: You are annoying me sitting like that. It's effeminate. GEORGE: It's effeminate to sit like this? ELAINE: Yes. I think it's a little effeminate. GEORGE: How is this effeminate? ELAINE: I don't know. It just is. George turns around. Kramer gets up and starts hopping up and down banging his head with his hand again. GEORGE: Are you crazy? What are you doing? JERRY: You still got water in your ear? KRAMER: I can get rid of it. It may be a leak inside my brain. GEORGE: Kramer, would you stop that? It's not safe to be jumping up and down on a plane. KRAMER: I gotta get it out! I can't take this anymore! GEORGE: Kramer, don't be fooling around up here! Kramer falls into the cockpit. GEORGE: Kramer! PILOT: Hey, get the hell outta here! The engines start to whine. ELAINE: What is that?! GEORGE: Oh, my god. ELAINE: What is that noise? What is that noise? Kramer sits back down. GEORGE: Kramer, what the hell did you do?! KRAMER: I lost my balance! ELAINE: Oh, my god! What's going on?! The plane tilts and goes into a nose dive. An klaxon goes off. JERRY: Kramer! KRAMER: It was an accident! GEORGE: I told you to stop with the hopping! ELAINE: Oh, my god! We're going down! We're gonna die! GEORGE: Aah! Just when I was doing great! I told you god wouldn't let me be successful! JERRY: Is this it?! Is this how it ends?! It can't! It can't end like this! KRAMER: Ooh! I'm ready! I'm ready! Glory hallelujah! GEORGE: Jerry! Jerry, can you hear me?! JERRY: Yeah! GEORGE: There's something I have to tell you! JERRY: What?! What is it?! GEORGE: I cheated in the contest! JERRY: What?! GEORGE: The contest! I cheated! JERRY: Why?! GEORGE: Because I'm a cheater! I had to tell ya! JERRY: Great! I won! ELAINE: Jerry...I gotta tell ya something, too! JERRY: Well...Elaine, I got something I want to say to you! ELAINE: No, no. Me first. JERRY: All right! ELAINE: I've always l-- The alarm stops. GEORGE: Hey...what's going on? KRAMER: We're straightening out. ELAINE: We're straightening out? JERRY: We're straightening out! GEORGE: We're straightening out! KRAMER: Yaaah! Ha ha ha ha! EXT. AIRPORT - DAY The foursome and the pilots exit the plane. MADDOX: Well, again, sorry about that little mishap. But once we get everything checked out, shouldn't be any more problems. JERRY: Where are we? MADDOX: Latham, Massachusetts. Hey, why don't you take a cab into town, get yourself something to eat. I got your beeper number. I'll beep you as soon as we're ready. JERRY: Ok. We'll see ya later. EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY They all get out of a cab and step onto the sidewalk's of the small city. Kramer has a camcorder. ELAINE: Well, what are we gonna do about Paris? I mean are we actually gonna get back on this plane? JERRY: I say we go back to New York and take a regular flight. GEORGE: I'm not gettin' on a regular plane now! I'm all psyched up to go on a private jet! No way I'm gettin' on a regular plane! ELAINE: Well, I'm sure that they would fly us first class. GEORGE: First class doesn't make it anymore. Now you get on the phone with Kimbrough, tell him what happened, and tell him to get another plane down here. But this time, the good one! The Ted Danson plane! JERRY: All right. I'll feel him out. Elaine gives Jerry her cell phone. GEORGE: Yeah. Just tell him to hurry it up! A man walks by the group. MAN: Nice day. JERRY: Another one? Across the street is a red car. A car jacker opens the dore and forces the fat man inside out. CAR JACKER: All right, fatso! Out of the car! KRAMER: I'm gonna capture this. CAR JACKER: Come on! FAT MAN: Give me a minute! Don't shoot. CAR JACKER: Give me your wallet! JERRY (chuckles): Well, there goes the money for the lipo. ELAINE: See, the great thing about robbing a fat guy is it's an easy getaway. You know? They can't really chase ya. GEORGE: He's actually doing him a favor. It's less money for him to buy food. CAR JACKER: I want your wallet! Come on. Come on! Come on! JERRY: Well, that's a shame. All right I'm gonna call NBC. FAT MAN: Officer! He's stealing my car! A police officer runs over to the fat man. FAT MAN: Officer, I was carjacked! I was held up at gunpoint! He took my wallet! everything! JERRY: Ok. Thanks, anyway. They can't get another plane. KRAMER: All right, what's wrong with the plane we got? They're just checking it out. ELAINE: Oh, no. Forget it. JERRY: Oh, no, no, no. We're not getting on there. Come on. Let's get something to eat here in Sticksville. They start to walk off, but the police officer stops them. POLICE OFFICER: All right. Hold it right there. KRAMER: What? POLICE OFFICER: You're under arrest. JERRY: Under arrest? What for? POLICE OFFICER: Article 223-7 of the Latham county penal code. ELAINE: What? No, no. We didn't do anything. POLICE OFFICER: That's exactly right. The law requires you to help or assist anyone in danger as long as it's reasonable to do so. GEORGE: I never heard of that. POLICE OFFICER: It's new. It's called The Good Samaritan Law. Let's go. EXT. POLICE STATION - DAY - ESTABLISHING INT. POLICE STATION - DAY The police officer sits at his desk while Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer sit in small cell. ELAINE: The Good Samaritan Law?! GEORGE: Are they crazy? Why would we want to help somebody? ELAINE: I know! GEORGE: That's what nuns and red cross workers are for. KRAMER: No. The Samaritans were an ancient tribe. Very helpful to people. ELAINE: All right. Uh...um, excuse me. Hi. Could ya tell me what kind of law this is? POLICE OFFICER: Well, they just passed it last year. It's modeled after the French law. I heard about it after Princess Diana was killed, and all those photographers were just standing around. JERRY: Oh, yeah. ELAINE: Oh, yeah. POLICE OFFICER: You're the first ones to be arrested on it, probably in the whole country. ELAINE: Ha ha. GEORGE: All right, so what's the penalty here? Let's pay the fine or something and get the hell outta here. POLICE OFFICER: Well, it's not that easy. See, now, the law calls for a maximum fine of $85,000 and as much as 5 years in prison. ELAINE: What?! GEORGE: Oh, no, no, no. W-we have to be in California next week! We-we're starting a TV show! POLICE OFFICER: California? Oh, gosh. I don't think so. My guess is, you're gonna be prosecuted. Better get yourselves a good lawyer. INT. JACKIE CHILES OFFICE - DAY Jackie picks a piece of Swiss cheese off his sandwich. JACKIE: Who told you to put the cheese on? Did I tell you to put the cheese on? I didn't tell you to put the cheese on. You people with the cheese. It never ends. The phone buzzes and Jackie picks it up. JACKIE: Hello. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Good Samaritan Law? I never heard of it. You don't have to help anybody. That's what this country's all about. That's deplorable, unfathomable, intolerable. Hold on. Susie, cancel my appointment with Dr. Bison and, uh, pack a bag for me. I wanna get to Latham, Massachusetts right away. INT. DISTRICT ATTORNEY'S OFFICE - DAY The Latham Ledger newspaper reads: "Jackie Chiles Set To Defend N.Y. Four in Samaritan Trial" The D.A. sits behind his desk while two of his assistants stand around. ASSISTANT: So they got Jackie Chiles, huh? D.A.: Mm-hmm. And you know what that means. This whole place is gonna be swarming with media. By the time this thing is over, you're not gonna be able to find a hotel room in this town. The whole country is going to be watching this. Now, we gotta do whatever it takes to win it, no matter what the cost. And our big issue in this trial is going to be character. I want you to find out everything you can about these people, and I mean...everything. INT. POLICE STATION - DAY The foursome sit in their jail cell eating. KRAMER: Mmm. This is pretty good chow, huh? GEORGE: Would it kill him to check up on us? No. Drops off the meals, and that's it. I realize we're prisoners, but we're still entitled to ketchup! ELAINE: I guess we could have called for help. JERRY: But then we would have missed the whole thing. KRAMER: No. I still had it on video. We could have watched it later. GEORGE: Yeah, he's right. JERRY: I forgot about the video. ELAINE: Yeah, sure. Video. Jerry's pager beeps. ELAINE: What is that? Jerry checks the pager. JERRY: Plane's ready. INSERT: VIDEO of Gerlado Rivera Live opening GERALDO: Hi, everybody. I'm Geraldo Rivera. Tonight we'll be talking about what most of you have probably been discussing in your homes and around the water coolers in your offices. I'm speaking, of course, of the controversial Good Samaritan Trial that gets underway Thursday in Latham, Massachusetts. Now, before we meet our distinguished panel, let's go to Latham live, where Jane Welles is standing by. JANE: Yes. Good evening, Geraldo. GERALDO: What's the mood? What's going on tonight? JANE: Well, Latham is fairly quiet tonight, considering the media circus that has descended upon this quaint little town. GERALDO: And what about the defendants, the so-called New York Four? How are they holding up? JANE: Well, I did speak with one of the deputies who has some contact with them, and he told me, quote, "There's no love lost with that group." GERALDO: Anything else, Jane? JANE: There also seems to be some friction between Mr. Seinfeld and Ms. Benes. The rumor is that they once dated, and it's possible that ended badly. GERALDO: Well, ladies and gentlemen, who knows? Maybe this trial will bring them closer together. Maybe they'll even end up getting married. EXT. JERRY'S PARENT'S CONDO - DAY - ESTABLISHING HELEN: I hope you packed enough. INT. JERRY'S PARENT'S CONDO - DAY Helen opens a huge trunk filled with boxes of cereal. She puts in another box. HELEN: This trial could last for weeks. MORTY: What's all that? HELEN: Cereal. MORTY: You're packing cereal? HELEN: I'm bringing it for Jerry. MORTY: You got enough here for a life sentence. HELEN: He likes it. He says he misses that more than anything. MORTY: So bring a snack pack. INT. GEORGE'S PARENT'S HOUSE - DAY Estelle and Frank pack in the living room. ESTELLE: Poor Georgie. Was it our fault this happened to him? Did we do something wrong? Maybe it was our fault. FRANK: Maybe it was your fault. It wasn't my fault, I can tell you that. ESTELLE: Oh, so it was my fault, but not yours. FRANK: You were the one who smothered him. ESTELLE: I did not smother him! FRANK: You smothered! He couldn't get any air. He couldn't breathe! He was suffocating! ESTELLE: Sure, and you were always in Korea with your religious tchotchkes! FRANK: I had to make a living! INT. NEWMAN'S APARTMENT - DAY Newman laughs as he leaves his apartment with a suitcase. MONTAGE: Uncle Leo exits his apartment with luggage. Mr. Peterman leaves his office with bags. Puddy leaves his building bag in hand. Mickey exits the building next to Puddy's. Bania leaves his building with a suitcase. The Rosses walk down the steps of their building. The Rabbi that lives in Elaine's building exits. Keith Hernandez flags a cab. Mr. Steinbrenner runs out of his office. EXT. COURT HOUSE - DAY - ESTABLISHING INT. COURT HOUSE - DAY The "New York Four" sit around a table eating cereal. KRAMER: This is excellent. Mmm. Don't worry. I didn't use too much milk 'cause I know we got to make it last. JERRY: You know, I've had to reduce my milk level. My whole life, I've always filled to at least 3/4, sometimes to the top of the cereal. Now, to conserve, I can't even see the milk anymore. It's a big adjustment. KRAMER: I bet. JERRY: It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Jackie enters the room with his assistant Susie. JACKIE: Good morning. KRAMER: Hey. ELAINE: Good morning, Jackie. JACKIE: Is everybody ready? Didn't I tell you I wanted you to wear the cardigan? GEORGE: It makes me look older. JACKIE: Look older? You think this is a game? Is that what you think this is? I'm trying to give you a moral compass. You have no moral compass. You're going to walk into that courtroom, and the jury's gonna see a mean, nasty, evil George Costanza. I want 'em to see Perry Como. No one's going to convict Perry Como. Perry Como helps out a fat tub who's gettin' robbed. Jerry laughs. JACKIE: You think it's funny? JERRY: No. JACKIE: You damn right, it isn't. You better not be carryin' on and laughin' in that courtroom, funny man, because if you start gettin' all smart-alecky, makin' wisecracks, actin' a fool, you're gonna find yourself in here for a long, long time. I don't like that tie. Susie, get one of my ties from my briefcase. ELAINE: How do I look, Jackie? JACKIE: Oh, you're lookin' good. You look strong. You're one fine-lookin', sexy lady. ELAINE: Thank you, Jackie. KRAMER: How about me, Jackie? JACKIE: Kramer, you always look good. You got a respect for yourself. You're genuine. The jury's gonna pick up on that. JACKIE: Here. Jackie hands Jerry a tie. JERRY: This one? JACKIE: That's right. JERRY: Do I have to? ELAINE: Jackie says put it on, Jerry! EXT. COURT HOUSE - DAY News vans are parked outside. INT COURT ROOM - DAY The room is filled with people. The foursome and Jackie sit at a table next to the jury. BALIFF: All rise. Forrest district county court Latham, Massachusetts, is now in session. the honorable judge Arthur Vandelay presiding. The judge comes out from his chambers and everyone sits down. GEORGE: Vandelay? The judge's name is Vandelay. JACKIE: Vande who? GEORGE: Jerry, did you hear that? JERRY: Yeah. Yeah. GEORGE: I think that's a good sign. JUDGE: Is the district attorney ready to proceed? D.A.: We are, your honor. JUDGE: Mr. Hoyt. D.A.: Ladies and gentlemen, last year, our city council, by a vote of 12 to 2, passed a good Samaritan law. Now, essentially we made it a crime to ignore a fellow human being in trouble. Now, this group from New York not only ignored, but as we will prove, they actually mocked the victim as he was being robbed at gunpoint. I can guarantee you one other thing, ladies and gentlemen: This is not the first time they have behaved in this manner. On the contrary, they have quite a record of mocking and maligning. This is a history of selfishness, self-absorption, immaturity, and greed. And you will see how everyone who has come into contact with these four individuals has been abused, wronged, deceived, and betrayed. But this time, they have gone too far. This time...they are going to be held accountable. This time...they are the ones...who will pay. Newman eats some popcorn. JUDGE: Mr. Chiles? JACKIE: I am shocked and chagrined. Mortified and stupefied. This trial is outrageous! It is a waste of the taxpayer's time and money. It is a travesty of justice that these four people have been incarcerated while the real perpetrator is walking around laughing. Lyin' and laughin'. Laughin'...and lyin'. Do you know what these four people were? There were innocent...bystanders. Now you just think about that term. Innocent...bystanders. Because that's exactly what they were. We know they were bystanders. nobody's disputin' that. So how can a bystander be guilty? No such thing! Have you ever heard of a guilty bystander? No. Because you cannot be a bystander and be guilty. Bystanders are, by definition, innocent. That is the nature of bystanding. But no. They want to change nature here. They wanna create a whole new animal--the guilty bystander. Don't you let 'em do it. Only you...can stop them. Thank you. EXT. COURT HOUSE - DAY - ESTABLISHING INT. COURT ROOM - DAY JUDGE: Is the prosecution ready to present its first witness? D.A.: We are, your honor. Call officer Matt Vogel to the stand. BAILIFF: Call Matt Vogel. The police officer enters the courtroom from the rear and sits at the stand. D.A.: So they were just standing there? VOGEL: Yes. D.A.: Did one of them have a video camera? VOGEL: Yes. D.A.: Your honor, with the court's permission, we would like to play back that video and enter it into evidence as exhibit "a." JUDGE: Proceed. The video Kramer shot starts to play and everyone watches. JERRY (chuckling): There's goes the money for the lipo. ELAINE: See, the great thing about robbin' a fat guy is it's an easy getaway. They can't really chase ya. More laughter. GEORGE: He's actually doing him a favor. It's less money for him to buy food. More laughter. The fat man is now on the witness stand. D.A.: So they just stood there and did nothing? FAT MAN: Yeah. Nothing. Nothing! D.A.: No further questions. Stu and Crespi from NBC enter the court room, but before they can sit George yells at them. GEORGE: Hey! Great plane! Thanks a lot. Piece of junk! You know, you almost got us killed! The judge bangs his gavel. D.A.: Call Mabel Choate to the stand. BAILIFF: Call Mabel Choate. Mabel Choate enters. JACKIE: Your honor, I most strenuously and vigorously object to this witness. She was not present at the time of the incident. Her testimony is irrelevant, irrational, and inconsequential. D.A.: Your honor, the prosecution has gone to great lengths and considerable cost to find these character witnesses. It is imperative that we establish this is not merely an isolated incident. It's part of a pattern of antisocial behavior that's been going on for years. JUDGE: Objection overruled. I'll hear the witness. D.A.: Now, Mrs. Choate, would you please tell the court what happened the evening of January 4th? CHOATE: Well, I was in Schnitzer's Bakery when I got accosted by that man. D.A.: Let the record show that she's pointing at Mr. Seinfeld. What did he want? CHOATE: My marble rye. D.A.: Your marble rye? CHOATE: I got the last one. He kept persisting, and I said, "no." D.A.: And then you left the bakery? CHOATE: That's right. D.A.: But it didn't end there, did it, Mrs. Choate? CHOATE: Oh, no. EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT Jerry grabs Mrs. Choate and then the rye. JERRY: Gimme that rye. CHOATE: Stop it. JERRY: I want that rye, lady. CHOATE: Help! Someone help! JERRY: Shut up, you old bag. CHOATE: Ohh! Thief! Thief! Stop him! Stop him! He's got my marble rye! INT. COURT ROOM - DAY D.A.: No further questions. Call Marla Penny to the stand. BAILIFF: Call Marla Penny. Elaine gasps as Marla Penny enters. JERRY: The virgin! D.A.: Now, what was your connection to the defendants? MARLA: I dated Mr. Seinfeld for several weeks in the autumn of 1992. D.A.: Then on the evening of October 28th, there was an abrupt end to that relationship. Tell us what happened. MARLA: It's rather difficult to talk about. D.A.: It's all right. Take your time. MARLA: Well...I became aware of a... D.A.: A...what? MARLA: A, uh... D.A.: Yes? MARLA: A contest. D.A.: A contest? MARLA: Yes. D.A.: What was the nature of the contest? MARLA: Oh, please. I can't. D.A.: It's ok. MARLA: The four of them...made a wager to see if they could... D.A.: Yes? MARLA: To see who could go the longest...without gratifying themselves! Everybody gasps. MARLA: It was horrible! Horrible! D.A.: Call Donald Sanger to the stand. JERRY: Who the hell is that? SANGER'S FATHER: Come on, Donald. You're doin' fine. GEORGE: The bubble boy. JACKIE: Bubble boy? JERRY: That's right, the bubble boy. JACKIE: What's a bubble boy? JERRY: He's a boy who lives in a bubble. DONALD: Hey! What the hell are you all lookin' at? D.A.: So, Donald, would you please tell the court about the incident that occurred in your house October 7, 1992? DONALD: Well, Jerry Seinfeld was supposed to come to my house, but his friend Costanza showed up instead. so I challenged him to a game of trivial pursuit. INT. BUBBLE BOY'S HOUSE - DAY Susan and George are playing Trivial Pursuit. GEORGE: "Who invaded Spain In the eighth century?" DONALD: That's a joke. The Moors. GEORGE: Oh, no. I'm so sorry. It's the Moops. The correct answer is the Moops. DONALD: Moops? Let me see that. That's not Moops, You jerk! It's moors. It's a misprint. GEORGE: I'm sorry. the card says "Moops." DONALD: It doesn't matter it's Moors. There's no Moops. GEORGE: It's Moops. DONALD: Moors. GEORGE: Moops. The bubble boy is strangling George and Susan is trying to help. GEORGE: Help, someone. DONALD: There's no Moops, you idiot! SUSAN: Stop it! Let go of him! DONALD'S MOTHER: Donald, stop it. No. Donald, stop it. The bubble springs a leak. INT. COURT ROOM - DAY GEORGE: It was Moops! DONALD: Moors! D.A.: So Mr. Costanza parked in a handicap spot, and as a result, you got in an accident, and your wheelchair was destroyed? WHEELCHAIR WOMAN: That's right. D.A.: And then Mr. Kramer gave you a used wheelchair? WHEELCHAIR WOMAN: That's right. EXT. STREET - DAY The wheelchair woman goes barreling down the sloped street unable to stop. She yells at the top of her lungs. INT. COURT ROOM - DAY D.A.: So you were the doctor on duty the night Susan Ross died. DOCTOR: Yes, that's right. It was May 16, 1996. I'll never forget it. D.A.: So you broke the news to Mr. Costanza? Would you tell the court, please, what his reaction was? DOCTOR: I would describe it as restrained jubilation. Everyone gasps. MR. ROSS: Murderer! MRS. ROSS: He killed our daughter! He knew those envelopes were toxic! The judge bangs his gavel. JUDGE: Order in this court! D.A.: Call Sidra Holland to the stand. Sidra enters. JACKIE: Whoo! Look at this one. She's fine. She's a 12. You dated her? D.A.: So you met Jerry Seinfeld in a health club sometime in 1993? SIDRA: Yes. D.A.: And you also met Miss Benes in that same health club? SIDRA: Yes, that's true. D.A.: Would you describe the circumstances of that meeting? SIDRA: We were in the sauna, making chitchat... INT. SAUNA - DAY Elaine and Sidra sit in the sauna. SIDRA: You know, I've seen you around the club. My name's Sidra. This is Marcy. ELAINE: Oh, hi. I'm Elaine. Elaine stands up , but trips and falls onto Sidra. INT. COURT ROOM - DAY D.A.: So she pretended to trip, and she fell into your breasts? SIDRA: Yes. D.A.: Why would she do something like that? SIDRA: Because he sent her in there to find out if they were real. Everyone grumbles. D.A.: State your name. BOOKMAN: Bookman, Joe Bookman. D.A.: And what's your occupation? BOOKMAN: I'm a library cop. D.A.: What does a library cop do? BOOKMAN: We chase down library delinquents. D.A.: Anyone in this room ever delinquent? BOOKMAN: Yeah, he was, right over there. Seinfeld. D.A.: How long was his book overdue? BOOKMAN: 25 years. People groan. BOOKMAN: But we don't call 'em delinquent after that long. D.A.: What do you call 'em? BOOKMAN: Criminals. D.A.: So you and Mr. Costanza were dating? WOMAN: Yes. D.A.: And then what happened? WOMAN: Well, I invited him to attend my son's birthday party and... INT. WOMAN'S APARTMENT - DAY George is in the kitchen and smoke starts to come from the oven. GEORGE: Fire! Fire! George runs for his life pushing a clown, the woman's elderly mother, and kids out of the way. INT. COURT ROOM - DAY GUARD: At the time, I was employed as a security guard in the parking garage at the Garden Valley shopping mall. INT. PARKING GARAGE - NIGHT Jerry turns around and zips up his pants. GUARD: Ok, let's go. INT. GUARD'S OFFICE - NIGHT JERRY: But--why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law. GUARD: I don't know. JERRY: Because I could get Uromysotysis poisoning and die, that's why. INT. COURT ROOM - DAY D.A.: Uromysotysis. I wonder if they're having any trouble controlling themselves during this trial. Perhaps these two hooligans would like to have a pee party right here in the courtroom! JACKIE: Objection, your honor! This is completely inappropriate! My client's medical condition is not on trial here. May I refer you to the Disability Act of 1990? JUDGE: Sit down, Mr. Chiles! D.A.: All right, detective. Then what happened? DETECTIVE: We got a tip that a lot of prostitutes had been turning tricks in the parking lot. EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT Kramer is dressed in Joseph's Technicolor dream coat. A hooker hits him with her bag. HOOKER: You just cost me some money! KRAMER: Hey, cool it, lady! Ow! Cool it.Cool it, lady. Cool it. A police siren screams. POLICE: Police officers. Freeze right there. INT. COURT ROOM - DAY D.A.: So Cosmo Kramer was in fact...a pimp. The lady on the stand is the "low-talker." D.A.: So you asked Mr. Seinfeld if he would wear your puffy shirt on the Today Show? She answers, but no one can hear her. Everyone in the court room leans forward. D.A.: Excuse me? She answers again very quietly. JACKIE: Uh, excuse me, your honor, but what is the point of this testimony? This woman's a low-talker. I can't hear a word she's saying. So either get some other kind of microphone up there, or let's move on. D.A.: Call George Steinbrenner to the stand. BAILIFF: Call George Steinbrenner. D.A.: So George Costanza came to work for you in May of 1994? STEINBRENNER: Yes, that's right. He was a good kid. A lovely boy. Shared his calzone with me. That was a heck of a sandwich, wasn't it, Georgie? GEORGE: Yes, sir. That was a good sandwich, sir. STEINBRENNER: Had one little problem, though. D.A.: What was that? STEINBRENNER: He was a communist. Pink as they come, like a big juicy steak. FRANK: How could you give $12 million to Hideki Irabu?! JUDGE: Order! D.A.: Cock fighting? MARCELINO: Cock fighting. PHARMACIST: Sponges. And I don't mean the kind you clean your tub with. They're for sex. She said she needed a whole case of 'em. Everyone oohs. Elaine's old religious boyfriend is on the stand. BOYFRIEND: She exposed her nipple. Everyone gasps. D.A.: How did she try to kill you? MR. PITT: She tried to smother me with a pillow. D.A.: Call Yev Kasem to the stand. BAILIFF: Call Yev Kasem. JERRY: Who? ELAINE: The Soup Nazi. JACKIE: Soup Nazi? You people have a little pet name for everybody. D.A.: State your name. SOUP NAZI: Yev Kasem. D.A.: Could you spell that, please? SOUP NAZI: No! Next question. D.A.: How do you know the defendants? SOUP NAZI: They used to come to my restaurant. INT. SOUP NAZI RESTAURANT - DAY George walks up to the counter and orders. GEORGE: Medium turkey chili. He steps aside and Jerry orders. JERRY: Medium crab bisque. George checks his order. GEORGE: I didn't get any bread. JERRY: Just forget it. Let it go. GEORGE: Um, excuse me. I think you forgot my bread. SOUP NAZI: You want bread? GEORGE: Yes, please. SOUP NAZI: $3.00! GEORGE: What? SOUP NAZI: No soup for you! George gets his soup taken away. INT. COURT ROOM - DAY SOUP NAZI: But the idiot clowns did not know how to order. I banned that one--the woman--for a year. Then one day, she came back. INT. SOUP NAZI RESTAURANT - DAY Elaine is leaning on the counter with papers in her hand. ELAINE: "5 cups chopped Porchini mushrooms. Half a cup of olive oil. 3 pounds celery." SOUP NAZI: That is my recipe for wild mushroom. ELAINE: You're through, Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. Next! INT. COURT ROOM - DAY SOUP NAZI: She published my recipes. I had to close the store and move to Argentina. She ruined my business! ELAINE: His soup's not all that good, anyway. SOUP NAZI: What did you say?! D.A.: The state calls Mr. Babu Bhat to the stand. JERRY: How did they find Babu? ELAINE: I thought he was deported. Babu enters. D.A.: You've come a long way to be here today, haven't you? BABU: Yes. All the way from Pakistan. D.A.: And what's your connection to the defendant? BABU: I owned a restaurant. Seinfeld told me to change the menu to Pakistani, but nobody came. There were no people. D.A.: And then what happened? BABU: Then he got me an apartment in his building, but they mixed up the mail, and I never got my immigration renewal papers, so they deported me. It's all his fault! Him! And the woman! But they did not care. They're totally indifferent. All they do is mock me, just like they did the fat fellow. All the time, mocking, mocking, mocking, mocking, mocking. All the time. But now it is Babu's turn to mock. Finally, I will have some justice. Send them away. Send them all away. Lock them up forever. They're not human. They're very bad. Very, very, very bad. INSERT: VIDEO of Gerlado Rivera Live opening GERALDO: Hi, everybody. I'm Geraldo Rivera, and welcome to this special edition of Rivera Live. Well, arguments in the Good Samaritan Trial ended today. The jury has been in deliberation for 4 and 1/2 hours now. Let's go live to Jane Wells, who is in Latham, Massachusetts, covering this trial for us. Jane. JANE: Geraldo, just a few minutes ago, the jury asked to see the videotape. GERALDO: That's the one where they are overheard making sarcastic remarks during the robbery. JANE: Yes. It's a very incriminating piece of evidence, but I must tell you, Geraldo, this courtroom and everyone who's attended this trial is still reeling from the endless parade of witnesses who've come forth so enthusiastically to testify against these four seemingly ordinary people. One even had the feeling that if judge Vandelay didn't finally put a stop to it, it could've gone on for months. GERALDO: Jane, whose testimony do you think resonated most strongly with this jury? JANE: That is so hard to say. Certainly there's the doctor with the poison invitations. The bubble boy was an extremely sympathetic and tragic figure. And that bizarre contest certainly didn't sit well with this small-town jury. There's the woman they sold the defective wheelchair to, the deported Pakistani restaurateur. Geraldo, it just went on and on and on into the night. GERALDO: And so we wait. INT. COURT HOUSE - DAY Jerry and Kramer sit at a table while George paces back and forth and Elaine looks out the window. JERRY: Do they make you wear uniforms in prison? ELAINE: I think so. JERRY: It's not that bright orange one, is it? ELAINE: I hope it's not that one, because I cannot wear orange. KRAMER: Will ya stop worrying? Jackie's gonna get us off. He never loses. How about when he asked that cop if a black man had ever been to his house? Did you see the look on his face? Yeeeah. INT. JUDGE'S CHAMBER'S - DAY The judge sits at his desk reading something. There's a knock at the door. George's mom enters. ESTELLE: Sorry to bother you, Judge. JUDGE: How did you get in here? ESTELLE: Please. If he's found guilty, please be kind to him. He's a good boy. JUDGE: This is highly irregular. ESTELLE: Well, maybe there's something I can do for you. JUDGE: What do you mean? ESTELLE: Ya know... MONTAGE: The virgin, Mrs. Choate, Mr. Pitt, and Bookman wait in the courthouse. Jerry's parents and Mr. Costanza sit outside with the Rabbi. Mickey, Bania, Peterman, and Keith Hernandez play pool. Puddy lounges outside getting a tan. Steinbrenner and Wilhelm eat at a restaurant. Newman lies in the backseat of a car trying to sleep. Babu and Poppy eat soup prepared by the Soup Nazi. Poppy asks for some salt and the Soup Nazi takes his soup. Mr. Ross buys a gun. INT. JACKIE'S HOTEL ROOM - DAY Jackie rolls around in bed with Sidra. SIDRA: Oh, Jackie. You're so articulate. JACKIE: We got plenty of time, too. This jury could be out for days. The phone rings. Jackie answers. JACKIE: Hello? Damn! They're ready. EXT. COURT HOUSE - DAY - ESTABLISHING INT. COURT HOUSE - DAY Everyone waits for things to start back up. JERRY: Hey, Elaine, what was it you were about to say to me on the plane when it was going down? ELAINE: I've always loved you...nited airlines. Jerry smiles. The jury enters. KRAMER: Hey, I think it's gonna be ok. That girl just smiled at me. JERRY: Maybe because she knows you're going to jail. BAILIFF: All rise. JUDGE: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...have you reached a verdict? JURY FOREMAN: We have, your honor. JUDGE: Will the defendants please rise? And how do you find with respect to the charge of criminal indifference? JURY FOREMAN: We find the defendants...guilty. The room us filled with moaning and cheering. JUDGE: Order! Order in this court! Order! He bangs his gavel. JUDGE: Order! Order in this court! I will clear this room. I do not know how...or under what circumstances the four of you found each other, but your callous indifference and utter disregard for everything that is good and decent has rocked the very foundation upon which our society is built. I can think of nothing more fitting than for the four of you to spend a year removed from society so that you can contemplate the manner in which you have conducted yourselves. I know I will. This court is adjourned. GEORGE: You had to hop. Ya had to hop on the plane! ELAINE: Puddy. Don't wait for me. PUDDY: All right. Frank tries to wake up Estelle who has passed out. FRANK: We gotta get out of here. We wanna beat the traffic! SIDRA: Come on, Jackie, let's go. JERRY: What?! JACKIE: Oh, and by the way...they're real, and they're spectacular. INT. POLICE STATION - DAY Jerry, Elaine, George, and Kramer walk to their cell. JERRY: Well, it's only a year. That's not so bad. We'll be out in a year. And then we'll be back. KRAMER: Could be fun. Won't have to worry about your meals or what you're gonna do Saturday nights. And they do shows. I mean, we could put on a show. Maybe, uh, "Bye, Bye Birdie" or "My Fair Lady." Yeah, Elaine...you could be Eliza Doolittle. Whoo. ELAINE: Why don't you just blow it out your-- KRAMER: Yeh yeh yeh. They step into the cell and sit quietly for a few seconds. ELAINE: If I called Jill from prison, you think that would make up for the other ones? JERRY: Sure. ELAINE: 'Cause you only get one call. The prison call is like...the king of calls. JERRY: I think that would be a very nice gesture. Kramer stands up and starts hopping again. KRAMER: Damn it! Uh-oh! I got it. It's out. Whoo. Ahh. How about that, Huh? Oh, boy, what a relief. JERRY: See, now to me, that button is in the worst possible spot. GEORGE: Really? JERRY: Oh, yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it. It's too high. It's in no man's land. GEORGE: Haven't we had this conversation before? JERRY: You think? GEORGE: I think we have. JERRY: Yeah, maybe we have. The camera slowly pulls back away from cell. INT. PRISON - DAY Jerry is dressed in an orange jump suit and is doing stand up in front of the prison population. Kramer and George are sitting next to each other also in their jump suits. JERRY: So what is the deal with the yard? When I was a kid, my mother wanted me to play in the yard, but of course, she didn't have to worry about my next-door neighbor Tommy sticking a shiv in my thigh. Kramer is the only one laughing. KRAMER: Whoo-hoo-hoo! JERRY: And what's with the lockdown? Why do we have to be locked in our cells? Are we that bad that we have to be sent to prison in prison? You would think the weightlifting and the sodomy is enough. Kramer laughs even more. JERRY: So, uh, anyone from Cellblock D? INMATE #1: I am. JERRY: I'll talk slower. I'm kidding. I love Cellblock D. My friend George is in Cellblock D. Kramer pats George on the back. George smiles. JERRY: What are you in for, sir? INMATE #2: Murder one. JERRY: Murder one. oh, watch out, everybody. Better be nice to you. I'm only kidding, sir. Lighten up. How about you? What are you in for? INMATE #3: Grand theft auto. JERRY: Grand theft auto. Don't steal any of my jokes. INMATE #3: You suck! I'm gonna cut you! JERRY: Hey, I don't come down to where you work and knock the license plate out of your hand. PRISON GUARD: All right, Seinfeld. That's it. Let's go. Come on. The guard escorts Jerry of the stage. JERRY: All right. Hey, you've been great. See ya in the cafeteria. Everyone boos except for Kramer who is standing and clapping