| Book IV, Part I: Concert |
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| Kepperbeard moved along with slow, thumping steps towards an unknown location. Forgotten by everyone else, because this story has been told episodically and the last time they were mentioned was a really long time ago, Brad and Becky rode on his shoulders.
"Where do you suppose we're going?" Becky asked. "I don't know," said Brad. "It had better be more exciting than the last couple places we've been, though." "You'd rather be running for our lives after nearly being killed by vicious, mop-wielding janitors?" Becky demanded incredulously. Brad looked as if he were about to continue the argument, but Becky pointed ahead to where Kepperbeard seemed to be heading - in the distance a small group of similarly large, stone-like humanoids were waiting. Kepperbeard approached them and joined them in a roughly circular formation, carefully setting Brad and Becky down in the center. Several of the Music Teachers began muttering under their breath, bending over slightly at the waist and peering at them curiously. After several minutes of this, Kepperbeard slowly raised his arm, and the muttering subsided. He began to hum, not with any melody, but a single, drawn-out note that seemed to go on and on. Gradually, the other Music Teachers joined in, creating a sound that seemed to vibrate the very ground that Brad and Becky stood on. They clapped their hands over their ears as the noise continued for several minutes. "It's kind of like Buddhist chanting, don't you think?" Brad shouted. "What?" asked Becky. "I don't want a drink - it would probably explode from this racket." "No, you know," said Brad. He sat down, crossed his legs, and assumed a meditative position, rocking slowly back and forth. "OMMMMMMMMMMMM......." "What?" Becky repeated, shouting to make herself heard. "It's not snow, it's the asbestos from the ceiling coming down. The frequency must be attuned to the natural resonance of this hallway!" However, Kepperbeard and the other Music Teachers took no notice of the shaking they were causing in the hallway but continued their odd humming. By the end of the first hour, Brad and Becky thought that perhaps the music teachers might have accomplished something, but when they tried to ask, Kepperbeard waved his heavy arm with an unpleasant expression on his face. When they tried again at the end of the second hour, Kepperbeard stepped out of the circle and took them aside. "This is the most perfect rendition of the Canon we have ever done," he said slowly, but with clear impatience. "Your voices, however, are in the key of Q sharp, whereas this performance is in the key of G. I must ask that you remain silent until we have finished." Kepperbeard rejoined the circle and started humming again before they had a chance to respond. "Perhaps we could find this piece in the library and then we would at least know how long we have to wait," Brad said under his breath. Becky nodded, and they went through the small door that led to Kepperbeard's private library. After a good hour and a half, Becky threw up her hands. "This isn't in any sort of order at all!" she complained. "Who runs this library?" "No, wait!" said Brad suddenly, holding aloft a sheaf of papers. "Here's something called 'Bonaparte's Cannon'." As they looked over the sheaf, they grew more and more confused. Rather than any sort of music it seemed to be a long and technically complex operations manual for different sorts of artillery used in Napoleon's army. "Why would such a thing be in a music library?" asked Becky. "We never use cannons in music." "Yes we do," said Brad. "Remember the 1812 Overture?" "Hmm," said Becky. "Perhaps you are right, but we've certainly never done that in our orchestra or band performances. Did Kepperbeard think that the school board would ever let him get cannons?" "Dunno," replied Brad. "But if this is what they're trying to play we could be here for a very long time." Becky nodded in agreement. They grabbed the looseleaf papers and went back to where Kepperbeard and the other Music Teachers were still humming. They held up the cover page so Kepperbeard could see it. He broke out of the circle again and came over to them. "What is it now?" he asked, somewhat irritated. "We had just finished the first page of the first movement, 'On the Proper Way to Site and Aim a Parrott'." Brad took a quick look at the table of contents. Sure enough, that was the title of the first chapter in the artillery manual. "How can you possibly play that?" asked Becky incredulously. "It's not even music!" "I beg to differ," said Kepperbeard. "We play it one letter at a time. And when the letter isn't a note, we translate it into the proper key using secret Music Teacher techniques." "One letter at a time??" repeated Becky. "We'll be dead before you finish that, and Conner will have destroyed all of North Olmsted!" Just as she spoke, almost as if on cue, the humming stuttered to a stop. "Well, not really," sighed Kepperbeard sadly. "We have lost several key pages of the Canon, and without them we shall never complete the masterpiece. We shall never know the secrets of 'How to Place the Charge in the Flashpan' or the magnificent yet subtle glories of 'Firing the Piece in Inclement Weather'..." He trailed off into introspective silence. Becky gave Brad a sly look, then nudged him as she started speaking. "Hey Brad, didn't we overhear Merrill's Garbagemen talking about something like that?" "Oh...oh yes," said Brad slowly, picking up on her line of thought. "I seem to recall them saying that Merrill had a Cannon in her possession but wasn't sure how to use it exactly." Kepperbeard looked at them intently. "That would explain a great many things," he said slowly. He scooped them up in his large hands and placed them on his shoulders, then returned to the circle, which waited in expectant silence. "At long last we have discovered the location of our missing sheet music," he boomed. "It is in the hands of Merrill and her abominable Janitors, who seek to subvert the gentle harmonies of the Canon into the harsh and grating destructive powers of the Cannon. We must march now, and reclaim the Canon for the Music department!" As the line of Music Teachers strode off in the direction of Merrill's tower, Becky once again, but with a touch of irony this time, gave Brad a thumb's-up gesture. |
| Onward to Part II ! |