some sort of desert...
It was all black and full of ashes, and many dead trees and burned skeletons could still
be seen all over the place.
It smelled horribly, like rotten meat...
Mr.Tumors had told them to walk toward the huge snowy mountains in the East, and after
traveling over thirty miles through the forest they had finally reached the so-called
Desert of Death.
This was where, a hundred years ago, the Red Gypsy wiped out the Narfian army that was
supposed to defeat her... the mountains looked quite close, maybe a dozen miles away.
It was freezing cold, and the three siblings were starving to death...
__________
"I wonder where the heck is Ed Mort now..." said Lust, trembling in the cold... by the
way, they all were still wearing slippers and pajamas- "Oh God, I would give anything for
a Pizza right now!"
"Water... water!" moaned Zuz Ann.
"I hope he didn't go to look for the Red Gypsy, that idiot" said Pewter, leading the
advance- "I wouldn't put it past him... come on, Mr.Tumors said that Asslan's army is
camping in the mountains! We must get there before we freeze! I don't want to die in
this piece of crap..."
A cold, freezing wind came from the East... and they kept advancing, quicker than before.
Now they could glimpse some colourful tents, far away in the snowy mountains...
_______________
Ed Mort Lascivious had betrayed his dear siblings, he had taken a different path through
the forest and he had been determined to find... well, you know who.
The beauty, the glory, the power... Ed Mort was convinced that the Red Gypsy was the best,
and that the famous Asslan guy would surely be nothing if compared to her... and as he
wanted glory for himself, he wanted to find the Red Gypsy and turn into her sidekick.
And he found her indeed -she was dancing a perfect Flamenco around a campfire, accompanied
by some drugged elves- before his three siblings had reached the desert.
The Red Gypsy was smoking from a glass pipe, and she spoke to him in Romanian... then
she gave him some green thing and a pipe for him alone, and Ed Mort, smoking that thing,
had started to dance.
It had been great for awhile, but now...
______________
"I hate this... oh God, I HATE this!" thought Ed Mort, so tired that he was feeling like
he could faint any moment- "I HATE THIS CRAP!"
Poor Ed Mort was wearing nothing but tiny black underpants, and he was dancing around
a cold iron pole that had been stuck into the ground.
The dancing style -which he was performing wonderfully even though he had never done this,
and unable to stop- reminded him his mother's awful job in that dingy nightclub full of
drunk men...
She used to dance just like this, around an iron pole as well...
The little difference, Ed Mort thought, was that no one was throwing money at him and he
was in the middle of a circle of flames!
And that creepy woman, the Red Gypsy herself, was clapping enthusiastically while forcing
him to dance... she also screamed things in Romanian, and Ed Mort didn't understand
a single word.
The elves were dancing Flamenco around the nearby campfire, and the smoke of the plant
filled the air and made it difficult to breathe...
"Stop it, bitch!" he yelled.
The Red Gypsy laughed like a girl, said something in Romanian and Ed Mort kept dancing
like a puppet.
"Oh come on, please!"
She spoke in Romanian again...
"I beg you!"
Then, it seemed that the Red Gypsy got bored of the game... the flames disappeared
suddenly, and Ed Mort Lascivious, nearly dead of exhaustion, fell to the ground.
"Thanks, thank you..." he whispered weakly when the Red Gypsy offered a hand, helping him
to stand up- "Your Highness, you don't understand! I came to join you, to be your loyal
minion, to give you important information about..."
She spoke in Romanian.
"What did you say?"
She spoke again in Romanian...
"What?"
Again, again and all over again...
"What? Look, I know that Asslan is back and he's preparing an army in the mountains and..."
"Asslan?" she asked, quite surprised... it seemed it was the only word she knew in
English- "Asslan?"
"Yes Your Highness, Asslan is preparing an army in..." said Ed Mort, and he pointed to
the snowy mountains in the East.
The Red Gypsy stared at him, frozen like a statue in total and cold silence...
_____________
The colourful tents, so many of them all over the place, were barely five feet tall and
had golden flagpoles on the top.
A white flag with a big red cross could be seen dancing with the wind over each tent,
and it was also used as cloak by hundreds of cute, little creatures that were walking
around...
They were two feet tall, fat and funny-looking... they all had long white beards and blue
eyes, and their armours and swords were glowing in the dark.
Their pointy red hats, brave-like attitude and emblematic white cloaks made them look
so stupid, and little Lust Lascivious couldn't stop laughing at them.
"Oh my, how ridiculous!" she said, guffawing aloud- "What are these supposed to be?"
"Er... battle gnomes, maybe?" Zuz Ann suggested, looking around with a dreamy look in
her eyes.
They were walking quickly across the militar campsite, which was in a little mountain
valley full of snow... the weird battle-gnomes were staring at them, and suddenly they
started whispering to each other.
"I heard that" Pewter said, stopping and staring at a gnome- "Yes, we are the four -ooops,
I mean the three- chosen humans and we are here to see Lord Asslan!"
The tiny gnomes screamed, and they ran madly in all directions crashing against each
other... Pewter, Zuz Ann and Lust looked quite confused, and after a minute or so the
gnomes finally calmed down.
"Finally!" said a gnome that looked bravier and slightly taller than the others- "Our Lord
has been waiting for you... my name, Your Highnesses, is Crooky"
"Alright, alright... now, where is him?" Pewter asked- "Come on, hurry... we're itching
to sit in our thrones!"
"Over here..."
Crooky led them through the campsite, and the other gnomes kept staring at them and
whispering things to each other...
"Do you have food?" Lust asked.
"And water...?" asked Zuz Ann, desperate now.
"Of course, Your Highnesses and future Queens of Narfia!" Crooky replied, laughing
happily- "But you shall see our Lord first!"
A few minutes later they arrived at a tent much bigger than the others, which was white
and red and had the biggest flag of the campsite... it was covered in snow, and there was
a big bag of Whiskas next to its tiny entrance.
"Where is the big man, then?" Pewter demanded, rising to his full height- "His loyal
sidekicks are here to help the Lord in the battle... ETERNAL GLORY!"
The gnomes went silent all around them, they bent over and stayed like that... Pewter kept
on with his prince-like attitude while his sisters looked around, confused.
"Now what?" said Zuz Ann- "This place is so weird!"
"Oh, look!" Lust screamed, pointing at the little entrance of the tent- "What is...?"
A cute, tiny black kitty with green eyes came out of the tent, walking proudly like
a king.
"IT WAS BLOODY TIME!" he said, with a thunderous voice- "Where have you been?"
"What...?" said Zuz Ann.
"Come on..." Pewter said, giggling and smirking like an idiot- "Is this Asslan, the great
Lord? This cute, sweety kitty?"
The black kitty roared so powerfully that it was like a thunder, the gnomes trembled in
fear and Pewter walked back...
"Any problem with my looks?" Asslan asked, drawing closer to them... his eyes started to
glow mysteriously- "Don't you like kitties or what?"
"No, Your Highness Lord Asslan, it's just that... oh well, forget it" said Pewter, who was
quite shaken now.
"Where's the fourth?"
"It seems he betrayed us, my Lord" Lust explained- "We lost him in the forest!"
"JUST WHAT I FEARED!" Asslan roared- "Very well, come in... there are important points to
be discussed before we attack"
The kitty turned around and entered the tent, and they, one by one, followed...
____________
Something was happening far away from the mountains and deep into the forest... everyone
was hiding, parties had stopped and all campfires had been extinguished.
The Red Gypsy was preparing the greatest, bloodiest army Narfia had ever seen, and amid
the darkness of her eternal night the army began marching to the East...
Narfia was trembling under the weight of the troops, the Red Gypsy was proud, the entire
forest had been covered by the feet of her soldiers... Asslan was lost, fucked up and dead.
He was never going to recover this world, the Red Gypsy would rule Narfia forever and
ever...
But someone had escaped, someone that was really sick of dancing around iron poles...
and he ran to the East, feeling so sorry and desperate to help.
Now, the Red Gypsy's Mega Army was drawing closer and closer...
_____________
The stinky smoke filled the tent, floating lazily and spreading its intoxicating substances
around... only a little candle illuminated the place, and there, sitting on the red rug,
Pewter, Zuz Ann and Lust were already sick of Asslan's speech.
The kitty had already spent four hours talking nonsense, and it seemed he would never stop!
The four of them had fuming glass pipes and were smoking the green thing, Asslan talking
and talking and the kids falling asleep...
Lust and Zuz Ann were leaning against the tent's wall, their eyes swollen and red and
looking like they were tipsy or something... the kitty kept talking and talking about
glory and faith, and Pewter -loads of parchment and a quill in his hand- was now taking
notes in a hurry.
"So..." he said, his voice hoarse and his eyes awfully bloodshot- "This Red Gypsy is
daughter of Satan just because she doesn't follow you?"
"Yeah" said Asslan, inhaling from his tiny glass pipe.
"Anyone who doesn't follow you is forcefully son of Satan and goes to hell... right?"
"Yeah"
"Come on, this... I mean, this sounds like a dictatorship..."
"Shut up!" roared Asslan- "Faith, you need faith! Now, keep taking notes... this is very
important, write it exactly as I say!"
"Right..." said Pewter quite lazily, and prepared to write yet another parchment full of
pointless ideas and horrible instructions.
"You shall not have other Gods apart from Asslan... or else you'll go to hell"
"Okay..." whispered Pewter, scribbling it down.
"You shall not adore Idols... or else you'll go to hell"
"Alright..."
"You shall not be Gay... or else you'll go to hell"
"HEY!" yelled Zuz Ann, jumping violently to her feet- "Oh, sorry..."
She sat down, quite embarrased now.
"Yeah... got it now" said Pewter, rolling up the parchment and putting it together with
the vast collection of others.
"Put all these parchments inside a wooden box" said Asslan, inhaling smoke again- "And
take it with the army... it shall help you in battle"
"And why are we supposed to follow all these silly orders and stuff?" Lust asked, loading
her pipe- "Just why?"
Asslan roared violently...
"Because I say so!" he said- "And I'm the Son of God!"
"You know what?" said Pewter- "You are a selfish little kitty, you are..."
Then, before Asslan could reply to this, Ed Mort suddenly came into the tent!
They all got to their feet in a moment, and stared gaping at him... he was wearing nothing
but those tiny black underpants, and his entire body was bleeding and covered in scratches.
_______________
"I'M SO SORRY!" he yelled, falling to his knees- "Pewter, Zuz Ann, Lust... FORGIVE ME!"
"What the heck happened to you?" Zuz screamed- "Oh my God! Where's your pajamas?"
"She turned it into this little black thing... and kept making me dance around an iron
pole, I HATE her!"
"You betrayed us to dance around an iron pole?" Pewter screamed, face to face with the
traitor- "You son of a bitch!"
"No, I didn't want to dance, she forced me!" Ed Mort explained, trembling in fear- "Where's
Asslan? The Red Gypsy is advancing a HUGE army toward here and..."
"WHAT?" Asslan roared, and Ed Mort jumped and yelled like a girl- "You told her about our
secret location? You sold us all out, to dance around a freaking iron pole?"
"OH MY GOD, A KITTY THAT TALKS!" yelled Ed Mort.
"You did that?" asked Asslan- "Pewter, write a new line! You shall not dance around iron
poles... or else you'll go to hell!"
Pewter hurried to write it down, smiling to himself.
"Very well, very well..." said Asslan, walking in circles- "Now I'll have to go and
sacrifice myself! The only way to fix the product of your sins, to give you time, to
save you..."
"Asslan, don't!" screamed Lust, horrified.
"They have always wanted to do me in... that will take them some time" Asslan explained,
finally stopping and staring at them all- "Pewter, prepare our forces... FOR BATTLE!"
"Forces?" Ed Mort asked- "You mean... those freaking midgets out there? Are they our army?
Oh my God, we're screwed!"
Asslan ran out of the tent...
"BRING ME MY ARMOUR!" Pewter screamed, and immediately Crooky came in carrying a full-size
armour and sword... a white and red cloak and a silvery shield.
"Here, Your Highness!" Crooky said- "Sorry, no armour for the ladies... but here you are"
He gave a bow to Zuz Ann, together with a bucket of arrows, and handed over a dazzling
dagger to Lust.
"And what about me?" Ed Mort asked.
"No armour for you!" Pewter yelled, putting on his heavy equipment- "You'll have to fight
just like that... Crooky, give him a wooden stick or something"
Crooky did so.
"Your horse is ready, Your Highness!"
They all left the tent, the gnomes now in chaos and preparing for battle...
____________