The Kitty, the Gypsy and the Attic
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Nutty thing written by Sheila... .
Warning: If you're a Narnia fan, get away from this!- Also, if you're a religious fanatic
just like Clive Staples Lewis, I would advise you to read something else... this little
tale may be too strong for your pathetic, rotten and spoiled mind
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London, England, December 4th 2009... .
The freezing silence of the night was suddenly shattered in a thousand pieces, like a
fine crystal goblet that had been hit by a bullet...
Awful, screeching alarms... rays of white light rising to the sky...
Then, something came from the sky and a powerful blast blew up the Palace of
Westminster... the Big Ben had disappeared in a huge ball of fire, and the roar of
fighter planes woke up everyone in London.
A ray of light briefly illuminated a sophisticated Gripen fighter, and it could be
seen that it showed three crowns as its emblem and the colours blue and yellow.
More missiles were hitting many targets all over London, and the desperate artillery
counterattack, lacking of radar, was firing madly to the sky.
A missile hit the London Eye, and it fell in flames to the ground killing hundreds of
fleeing people... a Gripen fighter got hit by artillery, and almost immediately other
two were shot down.
Then, they dropped a strange bomb.
It didn't explode, but released some gas looking like green vapour...
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"Pewter, Zuz, come on!" Said a tiny, cute girl with big and blue eyes... yelling in
terror- "It's them!"
The girl, not older than seven and not taller than four feet, was desperately trying
to wake up her older siblings... and just out of the window, a missile blew up an entire
block of houses.
Then, at last, a boy in his early teens came out of the bed nearly jumping out of
surprise.
He had blond hair, just like the tiny cute girl, and his face was rude and ugly and he
had green eyes.
"Damn!" he said- "Zuz, wake up!"
"What...?"- said a sleepy girl voice, coming from a ball of blankets in a bed close
to the door- "Oh God! Is that... is that artillery fire?"
She came out of bed violently, and the three of them got out of the room a second
before it was shattered by a shockwave.
The second girl was about twelve years old, and she looked very much like an older
version of the little one... blue eyes, very long and straight blond hair and a
princess-like body.
"Run!" screamed the teenage boy, and they got to their feet after being thrown away
by a shockwave that had demolished half the house.
They ran quickly through a corridor, they went down a spiral staircase... and they
crashed, suddenly, with someone else in the dark.
"Ed Mort!" said the cute voice of the terrified little girl- "It's them, it's them!"
"I know!" a boy's voice replied in the dark- "They blew up London Tower, the Bridge,
the Palace of Westminster... where the heck are our gas masks?"
"Down in the basement!" said the older boy, his voice broken of fear- "And where's Mom?"
"She fled, abandoned us...! Bitch!" Whispered the little girl, crying...
"Shut up that dirty mouth of yours, Lust!" screamed the older girl- "She would never
do that, she would never..."
A missile hit nearby and they knew no more.
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It all had begun four years ago, when a new and scary Queen known as Jenny the Ruthless
took over Sweden and changed everything there...
The country, turned into a Fascist dictatorship, had invaded Norway and Finland in 2007
and now was trying to take over Europe for good.
Their cruel surprise attacks with chemical weapons, a new and deadly strain of the Plague
and devastating radiactive bombs had annihilated all resistance... and now, in late 2009,
the only country still fighting was the UK.
Air attacks to spread poison and disease were now frequent in England, and the ground
invasion was sure to come soon...
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At daybreak, December 7th, four wounded kids had been taken out of burning ruins
somewhere in a now barely recognizable London...
They were rescued just in time, and sent quickly to a secret hospital in Scotland.
Those kids, whose father had died fighting the Swedes in Northern France, had now lost
their mother too... and lonely in the world, who knows what was going to happen now
with them.
Pewter, the oldest and the leader... fourteen years old and a big fan of Vodka- Zuz Ann,
a twelve years old sadist with the secret dream of marrying Sasha Cohen- Ed Mort, a creepy
ten years old boy with a pale and sick face, black hair and eyes and a fondness for goth
clothing- and Lust, a sweet little princess who liked to smoke weird, unusual stuff.
They had never liked very much their last name, which was -for some odd and freaky
reason- Lascivious.
Their father had always said that it was French and it meant "Intelligent and Brave" but
they had never believed that...
And now, with the Swedish Armada drawing closer everyday, every town and city in England
and Wales was sending kids to secret refuges in Northern Scotland...
Was the UK lost? It was still to be seen...
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The little Lust Lascivious woke up slowly that morning, December 16th, in a nice and
cozy bed... she was feeling very well, her long blond hair was all messy and she noticed,
slowly, that she was in a very warm, beautiful wooden bedroom.
"Oh..." she said, yawning- "What happened? Oh well, this is weird... what place is this?"
Lust rubbed her eyes, yawned again and finally got out of bed... and she walked around,
looking curiously all around her.
She opened the heavy oak door and left...
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Lust explored all around and, not too surprised, she discovered that she was in a huge,
sophisticated victorian mansion...
She loved it, and for some moments she thought they all had died in the attack and now were
in Heaven.
Lust wondered where were her siblings, and then, happily, she went out of the house and
discovered a garden...
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The fresh air, the comforting sunlight, the smell of flowers and the woods...
Lust walked around and, wearing only her slippers and pajamas, she laughed like an angel
and started to explore.
Dazzling green grass, yellow flowers all around her, white fountains, butterflies flying
and squirrels playing all over the place...
"Oh God..." she thought, staring at the flowers- "Im pretty sure its still December! So,
why is this like Spring? Who knows, maybe my entire world is just a stupid fanfiction in
the mind of a nutter"
"Lust!" screamed a well known voice, that of Pewter... and it sounded very happy- "Over
here!"
The little girl, wondering what would happen if she smoked some flowers, looked around
excitedly and spotted her three older siblings playing together a hundred yards away.
They all were waving and smiling at her, very close to the forest...
Lust laughed again and ran toward them.
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"So... this place is ours now?" Lust asked, playing with the water- "I cannot believe it,
it's so great!"
The four Lascivious siblings, all wearing their bed things, were playing inside one of the
enormous white fountains... the water was clean, clearer than glass.
The huge victorian mansion looked so impressive from there, with its ghostly appearance
and its windows reflecting the sunlight.
"Yes, my dear" said Ed Mort Lascivious, who was the less happy of all... apparently, he
didn't like sunlight- "You see, eight hundred wounded kids were brought here from London...
and only we survived"
"Poor bastards..." said Zuz Ann.
"And... what happened with the doctors, the nurses? The mansion was a hospital, right?
Where are them?"
"Sorry Lust, you were unconscious and missed it all!" said Zuz Ann, playing with her wet
hair and splashing Lust with water.
"It was great!" Pewter said, floating in the water and staring at the clouds- "We helped
burying the dead, it seems they all inhaled some weird gas, and then..."
"Then what?" Lust asked, curious... and in that moment she saw a vast graveyard not far
away from there- "Where's everyone, what happened?"
"All doctors and nurses were recruited by the Army and sent to the Front" Pewter explained-
"After all these attacks and four million casualties in London, urgent reinforcements are
needed! Yesterday, our troops engaged invading Swedish forces and stopped them, for now,
in Manchester"
"Battle is going well so far, we shall resist..." thought Zuz Ann, hoping that the War
would end soon, the UK would be saved and they would be allowed to live in the mansion
for the rest of their lives.
"I think there must be food in the attic of the mansion"- said Pewter, coming out of
the fountain- "Aren't you hungry? Come, let's go and check it out..."
They all followed him, walked through the garden and entered the house...
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Pewter, Zuz Ann, Ed Mort and Lust were looking up at the ceiling in the fourth floor of
the mansion... they were in the middle of a long corridor that night, lit only by a few
candles they had brought with them.
There, twelve feet above their heads, was a creepy, scary dark hole... the entrance to the
mysterious attic of the mansion, where the four Lascivious siblings were hoping to find
food.
It was freezing that night, snow and frost and dreadful bursts of cold wind... the mansion
had no electricity at all, they had no means of heating and were freezing... and starving
to death.
"Well Pewter, I hope there's really some food there"- said Zuz Ann, scowling... her voice
was cruel and mocking- "Because if you're wrong, I'll kill you with my own hands and then
I'll eat you!"
"Shut up" Pewter replied- "We just need to find a way to get into the entrance..."
"What do you suggest?" Ed Mort asked, looking desperate- "It's so high!"
"Pewter" said Lust, all of a sudden- "If I get there maybe I could help you to climb if
I find a ladder or something..."
"Good!" Pewter said- "Alright, come here..."
He picked up Lust, she carefully stood on her brother's shoulders... and sadly, they all
saw that the entrance to the attic was still too high.
"Wait, I'll... jump!" said Lust, and then she jumped as high as she had never jumped
before... and then, luckily, she managed to grab the edge of the entrance hole!
Lust Lascivious climbed into the entrance and disappeared into the drakness...
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"Damn, it's so dark..." said the tiny voice, after a few seconds- "Wait! I think I found
something... alright, come!"
A ladder made of rope came out of the dark hole, and Pewter, Zuz Ann and Ed Mort climbed...
and one by one, they got into the attic.
The candles left behind went out, there was total darkness in the mansion...
"Hey..." said Zuz Ann, sniffing the air- "Don't you think it smells strange here? What is
that?"
"Yes" said Pewter- "I think it smells like that green thing Mom used to smoke"
"The one that made her eyes go red?" asked Lust... now, the four of them were wandering
around in the dark.
"That one" Pewter was now trying to find out where the smell was coming from- "I think it
comes from..."
He said no more... they felt like they were falling into an abyss...
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It wasn't really dark, even though it was night...
The four Lascivious kids fell from the sky and landed in a place that looked very much
like the middle of a forest.
They fell on their feet and weren't hurt, but the surprise was so strong that, at first,
they could do nothing but look around in awed silence...
"What the fuck...?" said Pewter, gaping like an idiot.
They were in a tiny clear in a forest, the stars glowing happily up in the sky... and
even though it was obviously night, it looked more like a dusk, like the Swedish midnight
sun.
Light came from far, distant campfires in the forest... they were so many, and the four
kids could hear some weak, distant flamenco music and dances... clapping.
And there, amid the clear where they had landed, was a little and curious lightpost...
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"Now, someone please explain..." said Zuz Ann, her voice stiff and angry- "What happened?
What the heck is this?"
"Who knows" Pewter replied, trying to calm everyone down- "Maybe the attic was enchanted,
or the mansion had been made with wood from a magical tree!"
"Shut up" said Ed Mort, looking around- "Look, there are loads of that green plant in this
forest! And... I think the lightpost says something!"
Lust ran to the lightpost, the others followed... and then, looking closer, they saw that
it was all covered by graffiti and there were big, red words that said:
THE RED GYPSY LANDED HERE
"The Red Gypsy?" Lust asked to herself, whispering- "Who is that?"
"Look, I don't like this!" Zuz Ann said- "Something is not alright with this place...
Let's go back!"
"Oh yes! What a good idea!" Pewter replied- "In case you didn't notice, my dear Zuz, we
just fell from the sky!"
"Yes, and I don't see any sign saying 'to the UK, this way'" said Ed Mort, who apparently
liked the place very much.
Then, Lust suddenly screamed...
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Something had come out of the forest, something that was now in the clear and walking
slowly toward them...
It looked like a young man in his twenties, but he was completely naked and had a goat's
body from waist to feet... also, he had a long, black wolf-like tail.
The man, the creature or whatever he was had a fuming wooden pipe in his hand and
his eyes were swollen and bloodshot...
"WHAT are you?" Zuz Ann asked.
"Hi!" the creature said, shaking his long, messy gray hair- "I am... what I am? Can't
remember, who cares... my name is... what was it? Oh yes, I remember now... I'm Mr.Tumors,
and... you are... what was the word? You... foreigners, right?"
"Certainly" said Pewter, awed at the mere sight of this creature- "You alright, Mr.Tumors?
Oh God, you smell terribly! And look at your eyes! You've been smoking the green plant,
haven't you?"
"Hi Mr.Tumors!" said Lust happily- "My name is Lust Lascivious!"
"What? Lust Lascivious?"
"You didn't answer my question, you thing..."
"Sorry... yes, I've been smoking the green thing! We've all been into it ever since the
Red Gypsy came and took over Narfia for kicks..."
"Narfia?" Zuz Ann asked- "What crap is that?"
"It is here, right where you are, lady" Mr.Tumors explained, inhaling a great dose from
his wooden pipe... his eyes went even more red- "The Red Gypsy came, and now it's always
night here and we're forced to party and dance around campfires all the time and smoke,
and this green thing is addictive and it's spreading everywhere and killing our world!"
"WHAT?" screamed Zuz Ann, unable to believe this.
"Shut up Zuz, let him finish the explanation!" said Ed Mort.
"HIM? You mean let THAT finish the explanation!"
"Anyway..." said Mr.Tumors- "Come, I'm in my day off now and I would like some guests
in my house..."
He walked, staggering, into the forest... and they, exchanging perplexed looks, followed.
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They were deep inside a cave, and there were only a few wooden chairs, a table and a tiny
candle to barely lit the place...
Pewter, Zuz Ann, Ed Mort and Lust had been listening to Mr.Tumors's weird stories for
over three hours now, and they had learned a lot.
Narfia used to be a beautiful forest where it was Spring all year, and Narfians -all sort
of species like elves, dwarves, giants, trolls, pixies, gnomes and so on- were very
happy...
However, one day their God -known by the name of Asslan- decided to leave the mountains
where he lived, and he left Narfia promising he would someday come back...
Later that day, the Red Gypsy fell from the sky and left the lightpost right where she
had landed... she explored the forest and started planting the green plant, and, at first,
no one thought she could cause any trouble.
Within a few weeks, the new plant was causing serious ecological problems in the forest...
and some Narfians began to smoke it as the Red Gypsy had told them to do, and they nearly
went mad.
Violence and riots broke out, and a terrible fire in the forest killed over a thousand
gnomes... and then, Narfians organized an army to attack the Red Gypsy and get rid of her
plant.
They were nearly a million centaurs, half a million trolls, over three million giants...
Narfia's army came down from the mountains and engaged the Red Gypsy as soon as they
spotted her.
And tragedy ocurred...
The Red Gypsy had a protective shield around her, and all weapons were useless! To make
things worse, she started throwing fireballs with her hands and the great Narfian army
was quickly reduced to ashes...
She went so mad that she casted a spell over Narfia... night came and never faded away...
and the Narfians were forced to live the drug-addicted life Mr.Tumors had previously
described.
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"So, you see... this is the situation" said Mr.Tumors, loading his pipe with fresh green
thing.
"And what does she look like?" Lust asked- "I mean... the Red Gypsy?"
"Oh, she's cute! Brunette, shapely, thin, seven feet tall, long and straight brown hair,
lovely face, flashy black eyes... she wears all the time a nice Flamenco red dress, and
speaks only Romanian"
"How come? Only Romanian?" said Pewter, surprised by this- "She should learn the local
language, English is way better!"
"I don't know why English is spoken in Narfia, by the way" said Mr.Tumors, exhaling a
great deal of smoke- "The thing is, she speaks only Romanian and so we never understand
what she says, we don't know what she wants..."
"But you said she taught everyone how to smoke the damn thing!" Zuz Ann pointed out.
"That was quite easy to explain without words, ladie... well, the Red Gypsy burns alive
anyone opposing her and we've been waiting for Asslan for over a hundred years! And guess
what... he came back, or so is the latest rumour around here"
"Good! So, he's some sort of sacred one, right?" said Lust Lascivious, who had been all the
time looking curiously at Mr.Tumors's pipe, wanting to try out the green plant.
"Yes, our Noble Saviour Lord Asslan..." whispered Mr.Tumors, and tears appeared in his
swollen, bloodshot eyes- "I heard he's preparing his army in the mountains, and has been
waiting for four human kids to help him! The Prophecy, you know..."
They all gaped at these words, a cold silence fell...
"Pewter" said Zuz Ann, whispering into her brother's ear- "We barely escaped alive from
the Swedish Attack, and now this THING wants us to go to War just to restore Freedom
to some drug-addicted losers and save an enchanted forest from rampaging Marijuana?"
"Yes, I think that's the general picture of it" he whispered as answer- "Why don't we try?"
"ARE YOU NUTS?" yelled Zuz Ann, and she got to her feet- "Pewter, you prat, you..."
"There are four thrones for those human kids who help Asslan and defeat the Red Gypsy...
in the castle of Levarap Riac" said Mr.Tumors, apparently listening to them- "Unlimited
riches... and candies!"
Mr.Tumors fainted and fell from his chair, and the four Lascivious siblings were left
smiling at each other in pleasure and silence...
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