Set after 'Resolutions', they've just returned to the ship.

'I want a full report in the morning, Commander.' 'Aye Ma'am.' He sounds so cool, so harsh. Maybe this is what I deserve. I told him to keep his distance and that's just what he's doing. I don't like it any more than he does, but I know this is the only way we're getting this ship home.

The Thing That Goes Unnoticed.

Ch.2

Later that night, he calls me. 'Chakotay to Janeway.' 'Janeway here, what can I do for you Chakotay?' He hesitates. 'Did I wake you?' I smile. 'No, I had trouble sleeping, you didn't wake me.' I can imagine his face, sighing because he didn't wake me up. If he had, he'd apologise until I'd shout at him to stop. 'I was wondering if I could have a word,' he continues. 'Sure. I'll be there in two minutes.' 'I'm counting. Chakotay out.' I quickly jump out of bed and but on my baggy sweatpants and a large t-shirt. Running out into the corridor I bump into two ensigns on Gamma shift. I'm the Captain, so I don't apologise. The ensigns greet me. 'Captain.' I nod at them and walk carefully to Chakotay's door. The second my finger touches the button, the door opens. 'Come in,' Chakotay says. 'You just made it.'

I blush and walk past him. 'What did you want to talk about?' I ask him, my hand rubbing the back of my neck. He doesn't say anything. When I look him deeply into his eyes, he smiles a forced smile. 'Is your neck bothering you?' 'Nothing I can't handle, it's fine.' He nods. 'You should let me help, you know.' Oh I know. I'll never forget his hands, touching my hair with such softness. His hands, kneading the muscles in my neck and shoulders until they were fully relaxed. I'll never forget that. 'I know,' I answer. 'But that's not why I've come over here, remember.' 'It might help me too.' I smile and he smiles back. 'You're thinking about what might happen.' 'Aren't you?' he asks me. 'Of course I am, I haven't thought about anything else.' He gestures for me to sit on the couch, but I'd rather go somewhere more comfortable. 'Can we sit on the bed?' I ask him carefully. 'I'm questioning your intentions, Captain,' Chakotay smiles. I blush. 'You know I don't mean anything with it. It's just more comfortable,' I defend myself. 'Hey, it's okay. I'm not trying to bark you up a tree.' We walk to the bed and I think about what I just said. I do mean something with it. Eternal fiendship, trust, even love, for as long as it lasts. Just not the physical part.

'I just can't figure out how the doc could have missed this. He told us, no trace left of the bloody thing.' 'I know, he knows. He's very sorry, but even holograms make mistakes. He's doing whatever he can, Chakotay.' Chakotay looks down at his hands.' 'I just hope it's enough,' he says softly. 'Hey. Don't say that. Don't ever say that. It'll be all right.' 'That's easy for you to say. You're not the one dying.' 'Maybe more so than you know,' I whisper. He heard it, because his head snaps towards me. 'You don't mean that.' I'm shocked by his comment, I thought I'd made it clear to him I deeply care for him. 'Chakotay, I need you more than you know. You're beside me more that half of the day. You're the only steady factor in my life at the moment. You, and the fact that we're thousands of lightyears from home. I need you. I won't let you die.' The hope in his eyes fades again. I know I have to tell him I love him, deeply, truly love him but I can't. Not just yet. What am I waiting for? For him to lie on his deathbed? Will I have the courage to tell him then?

We sit together, both thinking our own thoughts. Suddenly, Chakotay sits up again. 'What if I die tomorrow, or the day after. What would you regret most?' I frown. 'You won't die tomorrow or the day after.' He sighs and looks at me. 'What if I do.' He sees me, knows I'm going to object again. 'Don't tell me it's not going to happen. What would you regret most?' I take my time to think about it. 'All the things I didn't tell you. Everything you deserve to know, but I never told you. That's what I would hope I'd done earlier, much earlier,' I say slowly. 'Like what? What things, Kathryn?' He knows bloody well what things.

'Why we can't be together. The real reasons I won't let you in. Not here, at least. The ways I need you in, the things you do to me, the things I dream about at night,' I count them off with my fingers. 'The way I love you,' I add softly. Realisation kicks in, and there it is again. The spark in his eyes that represents hope for the two of us. Together. That spark also disappears again. 'You don't love me, Kathryn. You've made that clear enough.' 'I can be the judge of that,' I tell him matter-of-factly. He looks at me, but doesn't say anything. I decide to tell him all.

'I've loved you for a long time, Chakotay. Since.. I think the day you agreed to help me, when you agreed to serve under me and help us find our way home. I know you think I didn't love you, not even on New Earth but that's just because I've been .. suppressing it.' He nods. 'You're very good at suppressing feelings, then. I've tried.' I smile and put a friendly hand on his arm. 'I know.' A tear slips from my eye and I turn my head so Chakotay won't see my sadness, but he does. Of course he does, he knows me too well not to notice. 'Hey. Don't cry.' I can't stop. More and more tears come flowing down my cheeks and I can't help myself. He puts an arm around my shoulders and pulles me closer. 'Shh, it's okay.' 'It's not! It's not okay. Your life is slipping through my fingers and there's nothing I can do,' I cry. 'So don't you dare to even think about telling me it's okay.' He smiles sadly, I notice it even through my tears. 'I'm sorry. It's a little hard to realise for me as well,' he says. I look up at him and he looks down. A tear drops onto my forehead from his cheek. I feel my own tears coming again and I wrap my arms around him, holding onto him for dear life. I suddenly feel how very, very tired I am. Half sitting, half lying on Chakotay's bed we both cry for Chakotay's faith and eventually, when there are no tears left we fall asleep in each others arms.

>> on to Ch. 3

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