for disclaimer see pt. 1

Part Two: My Professional Suspicion.

I've convinced Ken not to come with me to the doctor. He trusts me, I should'nt change that. So, I leave at 10 o'clock. For the doctor. I don't like it, because I've got a strange feeling about this stupid disease that's been keeping me off my work. If it is a disease, that is. My gut feeling tells me otherwise.

Damn. This isn't something I need right now. 'I'm sorry, ms. Blake, if this isn't what you planned but these tests don't lie.' Oh, I know that. 'Thank you, Patrick. When did you want me to get back to you again?' I ask the man. I don't feel like discussing and I don't feel like being here. I feel like jumping of the damn building of New Scotland Yard. Then again, that would kill more than one and that's a waste. Thinking of Ken makes me even more nauseous. How am I going to tell the man? It's not his, he knows it. I don't even understand how it can be mine, God knows for how long I've been using the pill. All female officers in a high position are advised to. I'll have to face Ken anyway, so why not do it now. He said he'd check up on me, I'd better call him before he finds me at home in a state of complete and utter madness. I thank my physician and practically run out of the building. The need for fresh air is great, but even being outside doesn't help.

I decide to call Ken immediately. He's very understanding, he'd only want to help me. I have more than one decision to make. I search through my mobile and find Ken's number. As he picks up his phone I'm speechless. 'Ken Miles.' I can't answer him. 'Hello?' I imagine him looking at the screen. 'Clare?' Somehow I find my voice. 'Yes, Ken, sorry.' I don't sound that well, though. 'What is it, have you seen the doctor yet?' 'Yes, I've just been there. Ken, I really need to talk to you.' 'Okay. Sure. Now?' He's confused. Poor man. 'If that's okay, yes. If it's not I'd like to see you for dinner later on..' 'No, it's fine. Lunch it will be. I'll see you in a few minutes, are you still at your doc's?' 'Yeah, I walked here. I'll be home before you are, if I go now.' I start walking. 'No, Clare, stay there I'm coming past the building anyway. Give me five minutes, okay?' He's going to collect me. 'Yeah. Fine. Thanks, Ken.' I put away my phone and sit down on a bench.

A child. I'm too old for a child. I'm in a too high position for a child. I already love this child. How am I going to cope with this? Better question, how are Ken and I going to cope with this. He's made a commitment to me, and I love him for it. But this will change everything.

I see his car and I stand up. I've been crying, so I'll probably look like hell with mascara all over it's face. Ken stops the car and gets out, that's when he sees something is terribly wrong. 'Clare, come here.' He takes me into his arms, and I cry. I thank the Gods that he didn't immediately ask what was wrong. He already knows me that well, I'll tell him when I'm ready. If I'll ever be.

We walk to his car, he helps me in and gets in on the other side. 'Where would you like to go, so we can talk?' he asks me. Quietly I answer him. 'Take me home.' So he does. In a few minutes we're home and as usual, Ken guides me into my own flat. He's behind me all the way, and I know he's looking at me. Normally I look around at him and catch him staring at me, but not today. This is too serious a hell to give him my usual self.

We're together, finally, without others judging us. And now this happens. I'm pregnant. Not from the man I love, no, I'm pregnant from a rapist who also killed two young women. Now how is that. What's even more to like is that I have to tell the man I love. Now. He's just asked me what's wrong, I thought it would take him forever. I'll have to answer him some day, I'd better do it now. 'Ken, I have something terrible to say.' I don't find it that terrible, it would be wonderful under different circumstances and with different DNA involved. Ken sits next to me and holds my hand. He sees the seriousness in my eyes and he wants me to tell him whatever is on my mind. 'Please, Clare. Tell me, if you're ready. I won't leave you, you know that.' He pauses. 'You saw the doctor,' he starts for me. 'Yes.' I simply answer. 'What did he say?' There. The key question. 'Well, that I'm fine apart from one thing.' My eyes can't meet his. I know he's looking at me. 'Clare, tell me. Come on.' 'It's hard!' I call out. I'm losing it, I can't do this. Not now, not to him. 'I can see that, but you're only making it harder.' He's right, of course. I stand an pace around the couch until I'm behind him. He doesn't follow me, of course. He knows better. I need to be standing and I need to have space to find the courage for this. Now I have it I feel a bit better. He turnes around on the couch.

'If you don't want to tell me today, that's fine. But I'd rather you did,' he says. 'I want to tell you, I just don't know where to start.' I say. 'At the beginning would be the usual place,' he bounces back. 'Yeah, I guess so,' I sigh. 'If you don't tell me soon, I'm going to start guessing, you know.' So much for 'no pressure'. 'All right, hold on to something.' I tell him. I move back to the couch and sit as far away from him as possible. He doesn't move. 'I'm carrying a child, Ken. I'm pregnant.' There. That's out.

**

He looks at me. In silence. I don't know what to say. Luckily, he breaks the silence for me. 'What? Pregnant? But Clare.. That's impossible.' Then his face changes. I decide to say it for him. 'No, it's not. I'm about eight weeks pregnant, it's James'. Damn, this is hard. The tears are flowing again. I see through the water covering my face that he's having a hard time keeping his tears in control as well. 'I'm so sorry Ken, but I need you. Especially now.' He'll understand. He always does. 'Yes. Well, I guess I'm just a little.. surprised.' 'That's okay. I'm frightened,' I say and I need him. I move closer to feel his arms, but they don't come. He just sits there and looks at the table. He's angry.

'Look, Ken. I'm sorry. This doesn't mean I'm going to have this child, you know that.' I try to meet his eyes so I can read his emotions. 'I need you to help me make that decision for me.' He looks at me with sad eyes. 'How can you not want this baby? I know you've wanted children all your life, Clare.' Realisation enters his eyes. 'Don't terminate this because of me.' 'I can't keep the child and live with you at the same time, Ken. You know it. I'll love the child but you might not, it's not yours. I can't ask you to love this baby so I'm not going to. I'm just going to ask you to help me make a decision.'

'Okay Clare, just tell me why you would want this child.' Oh my god, not now. Don't do this to me, Ken. 'Well, in the first place, I already love this child even now it's not even a child. I've also wanted children for a very long time.' Ken stays still. His hand has moved to my leg, where it's giving me the comfort I need. I really thougt he'd run out on me immediately. 'That's all I can come up with, Ken.' I laugh when I hear myself say it. Ken smiles with me. 'Well, they're two very important reasons, Clare. Don't underestimate love.' 'I don't,' I tell him. 'Now, why wouldn't you want the baby? Tell me that.' I sigh. There are a lot of reasons, but I don't think any one of them outranks my love. 'Well, first there's the father. Dead, and a bastard too. I once loved him but I don't anymore. I don't think it would be fair, to the child...' I hesitate.. 'and to you.' Ken looks at me. One look of affection from this man can make me feel so helpless. 'Then of course there is my job. I can't be a commander of a police force and have a baby at the same time, Ken. I love my job and I'm not ready to give it up.' I stay silent for a while, knowing what I want to say next but not knowing how to do it. 'Is that all?' Ken asks me. 'No.' I answer. Ken awaits the rest. He gets what he wants. 'Well.. I can't live with you and with this baby. I saw the look of horror that passed through your eyes for a split second, when I told you. I don't want you to feel that way.' I blink away some tears. 'I also don't want you to think of me as.. well, you know.' I wanted to say something very nasty there, but I can't call myself that. I probably deserve it, but I'm too selfish to use the word. 'Clare, you're not the W-word. You loved him, and if he hadn't turned out to be a murderer you two would still be together. I know you loved him and I also know you wouldn't do what you did with every man in the police force. You're special, and luckily you know it.' I didn't know that, actually. My voice is gone. 'Thank you,' I manage. 'Clare, it's the truth. I don't like you carrying his child but if you want to have this baby then I'm sure we can make it work. I'll need some time but I'll get over it.'

'So do I. I'm going to give you time, Ken. I need it too, I've got a decision to make.' 'I know. I'm sorry if I'm creating a problem for you, I don't mean to. You know that,' he says. 'I know. And you're not a problem, Ken. I'd never think you could forgive me.' He stands up and walks to the kitchen. 'It's probably a little late for lunch, but you'll have to eat something if you're going through wit this,' he says. 'I don't know yet, Ken. Really,' I tell him. It's hard to make a decision if someone's making it for you. Somehow I just don't know what to do.

It's been two days. Two very lonely days. I asked Ken a few days for myself, just me and my job. I've ran into him a couple of times at work, but that's all. I'll have to decide fast, the doctor tells me. I can't. The child is mine, but it's father is dead. I've grown up without a father, I don't want my child to await the same fate. Someday, if Ken and I continue together, we'll have to tell the child Ken's not the real father.

The nightmares have come back as well. They mostly feature James and the child, sometimes a boy, other times a pretty girl. I don't know what they mean, I only know that I'm tired as hell and can't find peaceful sleep.

I messed up on a very importand murder investigation today. A child was murdered in the park near the Yard. Carol solved it, only because I forgot to mention something. She found the file on my desk with the information, connected it with what she'd come up with and there it was. Solved. Of course, Sumpter wanted to see me. I told him this afternoon, I told him I'm pregnant. I shouldn't have. The first thing he said was 'Oh my god, Clare I hope you're terminating it.' The bastard.

**

After two days of soltitude I decide it's been enough. When I run into Ken for the fifth time today I ask him if he'd like to have dinner. George passes and winks at me. I give him my death glare, and Ken accepts. I'm glad, I want to hear what he thinks of the mess I've put him in. He probably didn't give it much thought these past few days, but I need to know how he feels. I have a feeling he'd also like to know how I feel. Although I haven't decided yet, I've cleared my head. Apart from the nightmares I'm back to my normal self. And carrying James' baby.

That evening I look at myself in the mirror. I still have the ability to look absolutely stunning, and I'm glad. I like catching someone's eye, especially Ken's. Over the days I've become more convinced that we belong together. It all fits in. He listens when I talk. When he talks, I listen. We comfort each other in ways I've never been able to comfort anyone in. I love it. Tonight, maybe, this changes forever. I hope he won't hate me the second I tell him what I'm going to do. I think it has been obvious, seen my motherly love for the child. I want to have this baby. It will end my carreer, but then what doesn't these days. I can't even have a relationship with a criminal.

Ken arrives just on time, as he always does. Seven o'clock is seven o'clock, not one minute later. He must've looked right through me when I invited him, because I look only half as stunning as he does. The red rose he carries finishes me. I fall in love all over again. As I open the door, I lean agains the wall and invite him in. He kisses me softly on my cheek, always the gentleman. We go upstairs. I normally don't collect people from the front door of my flat, but then again this is far from 'normally'. My nerves tell me that. We enter my flat in silence, and I go to the kitchen where I've prepared the food. I hope he likes Chinese. Ken is the first to speak. 'Clare, that smells great.' Since when do I blush at a compliment? Bloody hormones. 'Thank you. I hope you like it,' I say and I serve dinner. I stand close to him as I pour his wine and my cheek shortly touches his in a bolt of fire. We look at each other and I decide to spoil the evening. 'Ken, I've made a decision. That's half the reason why I asked you here, I think'. He just looks at me. I move back to my side of the table and sit down. 'It has been hard, for me and for you too, I guess. I'm very grateful you've given me time to think. I hope you've done some thinking as well.'

He just looks at me, in utter silence. His eyes tell me everything I need to know, he'll stay with me whatever I decide. I feel helpless. 'Ken. Say something, I need to know what you think of this.' 'I don't know, Clare. I still don't know. It's your child, but then again it's his. I don't know I can forget that very easily. I also know that you love this child, and that you've wanted children all your life. If you decide to keep it, I'll help you in whatever ways possible.' I know he's telling the truth, he'd never lie to me. I decide it's time to say what I want. 'Ken, I've decided to keep the baby. I'd never forgive myself if I had it killed. I'm already a mess, it can't be worse than this.' I see him looking at me, but I can't guess what he's thinking. 'Hell, Clare.' I guess he doesn't really like it, then. 'How could you do this? You'll destroy your carreer and probably mine with you.' I don't know what he's talking about. 'Now don't do this to me. It's hard for me too, you know.' I tell him. He puts down his fork and leaves the table, with his plate still half full. I follow him into the corridor and see how he puts on his coat. 'I'm going out before I loose it, Clare. I'm sorry but I need time to cope with this. For God's sake, I love you. This is hard.' and he's gone. I just stand there, watching him go down the stairs.

Silently I push my door closed and walk back to the table. It looks lonely, two half full plates and one fork on the ground. Great, one big red spot on my white carpet. I clear everything up in slow-motion. This is not how I planned it. He should be happy, I'm willing to let him in as the father of my child. I guess it's just the man's pride.

When I'm done clearing up I sit down on my couch and something in the cupboard catches my eye. Shit, I didn't know I still had these. It's a folio with all pictures James took of me. He had them printed twice so I could have them as well. I don't know why, but I need to look at them again.

Slowly I go through the pictures. One from us together at his car, on our way to Brighton. The picture he took of me watching over the sea. I can't help but notice how happy I looked. This must have been the day before he made me pregnant. I should feel disgust about the man, but I don't. I still feel strongly for him. How can I, after all he's done to me? He nearly killed me, for God's sake. Then suddenly, something else pops to mind. I'll have to tell Gina. And Carol. Before Sumpter does. If Sumpter beats me to it, Carol will be hell in a woman's body. I can't face her when I tell her though, so I decide to call her. Now.

'Carol Browning.' She doesn't sound too well. 'Hey Carol, it's Clare.' 'I know,' she answers. That went well. 'I need to talk to you about something,' I try. She wouldn't already know, would she? 'You shouldn't do this to him, Commander. He doesn't deserve it.' God. Ken. I'm going to kill him the next time I see him. If I ever see him again. 'Carol, this isn't what I'd planned. You know that. Is Ken with you?' 'As a matter of fact, he is. Don't worry, he just wanted to talk.' The icy voice again. 'I know, Carol. So, he told you everything, I guess?' 'You're pregnant, yes. He's not ready for this, ma'm.' I don't know if she knows the whole story. I'd better tell her. 'It's not his, Carol. It's James'.' Carol keeps quiet for a minute. 'Oh my. I'm sorry, I didn't know. That doesn't mean I feel better about you, though. It's stupid.' I sigh, she really doesn't understand. 'Look Carol, I thought it was safe. I'm on the pill, well I was, for more than two years. Only once did he not protect himself. It was enough to do the trick, though.' Carol can't suppress a grin, I hear it and I want to strangle her. She's not the one who's again destroying a life. 'Can you tell Ken I'm sorry and I'm giving him all the time he needs, but I'm not reconsidering?' It's not a question, but it comes out like one. 'Sure, Commander. Bye.' The end of Carol and me, I guess.

**

Why will no one listen to me? I just called George as well and the first thing he could say was 'Clare, when will you stop being stupid?' I can't take this. I want to keep my child, it's my child after all. To kill it would mean I kill my future as well. I've always wanted children, but my lack of commitment and my ambitions have always prevented it from happening. Now it is happening, against my will maybe, but I'm not going to destroy this innocent life.

I'm sitting on my couch, still indecisive about calling Gina. Maybe I should go to Jane Wellesly again, that always helped. I need someone who can listen to me but I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to tell them. Luckily, I can't find anyone who's willing to listen. I turn in early and as I lie in bed, both hands on my stomach I tell everything I have to tell to myself.

'Great, Clare. You're pregnant. You finally had a boyfriend, you love him, he loved you. He's gone now. Wonderful how you seem to scare them away every time.' It's terrible, hearing yourself say those things to you. But I have to hear it. 'If you continue this you'll end up as a wreck. No friends, no one to lean on and no one to comfort you. Just you, and the baby.' I can't bear to hear myself say all this so I stop. Looking at the ceiling, the damned ceiling I try to fall asleep. I lie awake all night, thinking about how I wish Ken was here with me.

The next morning, I'm tired. Very tired. I don't think it's a good idea, but I drive my car to my office. It's a wonder I didn't fall asleep, I think as I walk into the office. The first one I see there, is Ken. He's also just arrived and he's being checked by ID-control. Luckily I don't have to stand in row behind him, I always wear my card where everyone can see it. The officers let me through with a 'good morning, ma'm.' and I nod at them. Ken looks at me, I don't look back. This is going to be the longest day I've ever had.

Gina has already planted a huge pile of files on my desk. don't greet anyone, I just walk straight into my office and slam the door harder than I meant to. From behind her desk, Gina looks at me, shakes her head and answers the phone. I see her talking to someone and a second later she calls me. 'Hedges on the phone for you ma'm.' 'I'll take it here, Gina,' I manage. My head hurts like hell. It did when I got up and it still does. I don't feel like talking to Mike now but I don't really have a choice, do I. I'm the commander of this force, I have to talk to them every now and then. 'Mike?' 'Yes, Commander. I want to talk to you about some rumour that's been going round over here.' 'What rumour would that be, Hedges?' I ask him. I can do the icy voice too, I discover. 'You're not gonna like this ma'm.' I hear someone behind him grin. Probably Bryan. 'You're pregnant, that's what they say,' Hedges can't keep the smile out of his voice. 'Mind telling me who's spreading the rumour?' I ask him. 'Can't tell, sorry.' 'Well, it's true,' I hear myself reply. I also hear everyone at the other side cry out. Shit, he's got the phone on speakers. Everyone heard this. 'Congratulations, ma'm,' Hedges says. Then I hear something else. 'Stop this, Hedges. Now.' Is that... Yes, Ken. I hear Hedges put down the phone, knowing I can hear everything he says to Ken. 'So, she's pregnant ey. What was your part in that? Not much, I guess.' 'Cut it off, Hedges. This is going to cost you a lot more than you like if you're not very careful.' I know I have to say something. 'Ken, it's all right,' I try, hoping he can hear me. He can. 'No, Clare. It's not.' I hear Ken say something to everyone in the room, something like 'get on with your work, worthless pieces of shit,' and I hear the door close. Shortly after that Mike puts down the phone.

Great. Now half the building knows it, and Ken's in the middle of it. His department is only a corridor away from Hedges' office, between me and him. Hedges will find millions of excuses to walk along and he won't leave Ken alone for a second, I think. I decide to go up there.

'You just be careful I don't strip you off your rank completely, Miles,' I hear someone say. Sumpter, I believe. I see Mike Hedges stand outside Ken's office, smiling. Sumpter is inside, loosing it on Ken. As I walk along Hedges I spit 'Bastard,' and enter the office. Ken's standing in front of Sumpter, and Sumpter is as angry as you can possibly get him. I interrupt him, dangerous as it is. 'Sir.' 'Commander Blake, what are you doing here?' 'I overheard the conversation between D.I. Hedges and Miles a few minutes ago. I suppose that's why you're here?' 'How could you have heard, your department is two floors up,' Sumpter tells me. 'I was talking to Hedges over the phone, and I can assure you Hedges was the one making a mistake. Ken Miles just reacted to that.' 'By hitting him?' 'Hitting?' I look at Ken, who shrugs his shoulders. Then I look at Mike, bastard. I can't defend Ken against this, I couldn't have heard who hit who over a phone. I look helpless from Ken to Sumpter. 'You're suspended for at least three days, Miles. I'll get back to you about this.' Ken leaves the office, I give Sumpter my death glare and I follow Ken. On my way out I pause at Mike and look him deeply into his eyes. I'll never forgive the man. This isn't the first time he's trying to hang me.

**

So. Here we are. It's ten o'clock in the morning, I told Gina what happened and then I went to Ken's place. Now, I'm sitting next to him on his balcony overlooking a park. We sit in silence, both not knowing what to say. Ken hasn't said much, and I decide to wait for him to start. It takes a while, but finally he says something. 'I'm sorry, Clare. I didn't hit the man.' 'I know,' I say. It's true. 'You'd never give him the pride of seeing you angry over me. He doesn't deserve it either.' We look at each other. I put my hand on his leg. 'Thank you for defending me, though.' Ken looks away and smiles. 'If he were worth it, I'd have killed the man.' I know he would have, I saw the way he looked at Mike. I remove my hand. 'I'd better go.' Ken doesn't answer, he just stands up and goes inside. I follow him. 'Yeah, I guess that would be better. For both of us,' he finally says. 'We'd start fighting again, and I don't want us to keep this up.' 'I know, I also don't feel good about the way things are. I'll cook you dinner, at my place. See you then,' I say and I walk to his door. Once there we stand facing each other for a few seconds before I fall into his arms and kiss him passionately. I missed him. 'I love you... Clare..,' Ken tells me between our kisses.

I gently push him away and here we stand, embarrassed. How could we just let go? It happened, just here and now. 'I really should go, Ken.' and I'm out. Now I know I can't live without this man at my side. We belong together and when we're not, I feel empty. I've never felt so alone as I do now, though. I've just left a man after a moment of love and passion. I wonder if I should go back, but I can't. I call Gina and tell her I'll be back tomorrow. She understands, of course and asks me wether I could use a holiday. Of course I could, I tell her. But I'm not taking one. Not yet, at least. I want to work everything out before I turn my back on everyone at the Yard. Instead, I go home and pour some wine, knowing I can't drink too much. I empty the glass in the sink and go for some water instead. I drink it in silence and prepare myself for this evening. We can't just let go like this again. It felt good, though. Ken felt it too. I just hope he'll get over the fact that I'm keeping this baby.

He's late. That's the first time. But then, there's a first time for everything, even for Ken being late on a date. I've cooked and I hope this will be better than our last dinner together. I have a feeling it will, though. He's more talkative than usual, and I think he's nervous. 'Clare, hi. I'm sorry for being late.' 'Doesn't matter, it's only a couple of minutes,' I reassure him. 'Yeah, I know. But still, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to keep you waiting.' 'Ken. Look at me.' I order him. He stands close, and I notice he has a little box in one hand. He didn't mean for me to see it because he's trying to keep that hand behind his back. I do notice, though. He meets my eyes. 'It doesn't matter. You're here, so it's fine. I won't send you out because you're two minutes late for a dinner appointment.' He smiles at that. 'Sorry, it does sound stupid doesn't it.' 'It does.' We sit and he makes a toast. 'To us.' 'To a new beginning,' I add. Our glasses meet and so do our eyes. I keep his eyes on mine during most of our dinner. It's difficult as I have to eat my dinner as well. Suddenly, I can't keep myself from laughing and there we are, two adults laughing like we're three-year olds. Ken takes my hand and we're silent again. We finish our dinner, both smiling and both not letting go. We're still holding hands as I want to clear up the dishes. I stand, and Ken looks at me. I look back at him. We don't have to say a word and we still understand each other. He's sorry for what he's put me through. 'I don't mind, Ken. I know I gave you a hard time as well.' 'Yeah, it was pretty hard. I have, mind you, overcome my fears. I'm willing to try this, Clare.' 'Oh Ken, thank you. I was just about to say I could still put an end to this if that's what you really want.' 'No, I don't want that. I want children too, and if you have an abortion now that could mean no children for you, ever again.' 'I know. That's one of the reasons I decided to keep it.' 'I'm glad.'

I've become addicted to two things over the past few days. Water is one of them. The man lying next to me in my bed is the other. I have taken a vacation, two weeks for myself. Ken has taken one week off so we can be together for a while, work things out between us. He hasn't left me since the dinner we had two days ago. We've slept together, eaten together, dressed and undressed together, even showered together. If I didn't know better, I'd say we're married. He still has to give me the small present he has carried with him for the past two days, though. I've become more and more fearful of what's in it, I'm again doubting my ability to settle down with someone. Ken seems to notice the change in my behaviour when he starts about having children and buying a house. He also notices that I sometimes sit alone in my room and cry. On one of those moments he comes to me and sits in front of me, on the bed, not saying a thing. He just lays his hand on my cheek and brushes away the tears. We sit there for a while and finally he speaks. 'Clare, I don't know what I've done to make you cry. Please tell me so I can stop it, I don't want to see you like this.' 'It's nothing, really.' I answer. I'm not ready to talk about it. The worse thing he could have ever done happens. He pulls out the present and gives it to me. 'This is for you, Clare. It's cost me a fortune, and you're the only one who I think is worth it.' I cry again and he just holds me tight.

I open the box with shaking hands. I don't know what I'm going to say if it is what I think, what I fear it is. I don't want Ken to think I'm rejecting him. My mind races while I carefully unwrap the box. It's a red satin box, and I don't want to open it but I have no choice. Just before I open it I give Ken a fierce, passionate kiss. I hope he gets the message.

**

Slowly, very slowly I open the box. Tears are flowing freely down my cheeks. I don't know what to say as I see a golden necklace with a beautiful white christal in the form of a heart. I break down and cry. I love this man. We belong together. I've been so afraid he was going to push me into something I'm not ready for. How stupid of me to think that. He'd never do that. He doesn't quite understand my reaction, though. 'Clare, what's wrong?' 'Nothing, baby it's beautiful.' That's the first time I've called him that. He notices it too. His eyes light up and he embraces me. We sit together like that for a long time. I still haven't let go of the necklace and he's still holding me tight when the phone rings, probably over ten minutes later. I look at Ken and I walk to my phone, which I've left on the table. 'Carol.' is what it says on the screen. No, not now. Yes, now. I answer the phone. 'Clare Blake.' 'Hi ma'm, it's Carol.' 'Hi Carol, what can I do for you?' We still don't trust each other, do we. 'I was wondering if Ken was with you, I need to talk to him about something.' I'm silent. She's doing it again, calling me to ask if Ken's here. She's done that a lot over the past week. 'Yes, Carol he's here,' I finally answer. 'I'll get him for you.' 'Yes, tell him it's about the case he's been working on. Well, the case his team is working on.' Mean girl. 'Okay, I'll be right back.' I don't feel like letting Carol hear me get Ken, so I put down my mobile on the table. I walk back to the bedroom. 'Ken,' I whisper. 'It's Carol.' I see the look on his face. 'Work,' I tell him. He nods and goes to take my phone. I wait in the doorway, trying to see if Carol is really calling about work. When Ken moves back to me I see it wasn't about work, at least not all of it. 'What did she want?' I ask him. 'Nothing important. She was looking for some stuff. Oh, and she asked if you were being a pain in the ass already.'

'Am I?' I ask him. I have been in quite a mood lately, and he tries his best to lighten it for me. Only now do I realize what a hell of a job that must have been for him. 'Never, Clare.' His words and the way he looks at me, that loving, caring, sexy way makes me believe every single word he says. 'If I ever am, please tell me. I don't want to make your life more of a living nightmare than I already have.' 'Hey, look at me,' he says. He comes to sit on the bed again and he takes the necklace from my hand. I also sit down and let him clasp it around my neck. 'You're not an easy woman to live with, I'll give you that.' I know he's teasing me, and I love it. 'But you'll never be a pain in the ass to me, Clare. Believe me.' Oh I believe him all right. It's just that this is all new to me. 'Thank you. I'm totally new to this you know,' I tell him. 'No, I didn't know. You've never had a serious relationship like this before?' I blush furiously. 'No, not like this,' I answer him. 'I'm very flattered, Clare. But why not, I mean you're attractive and I always thought you'd have had lots of boyfriends.' I'm not very comfortable discussing that, but it's something that needs to be talked about. 'Well, boyfriends enough. Just none serious. Yeah, once, when I was seventeen.' 'What happened?' Ken asks. I certainly don't feel like talking about this. 'He... He got shot.' 'I'm so sorry, Clare I didn't know.' 'It's okay, but it is the only reason I've never had any serious relationships with the men I loved. I didn't want to lose them, I knew it would destroy me. I'm scared, Ken.'

It feels good to finally, after so many years have someone to talk to. I needed to do this a long time ago. The death of that man hit me hard, and it is a long time ago but it is a wound that will never fully heal. I lean back agains the headboard of my bed. 'I'm sorry, Ken. I shouldn't have started this.' 'Started what? Clare, you obviously need to talk about him. You can, trust me. I won't get mad at you, you know that.' I do. I wonder how far he's going to let me go with this, but I need to find out. 'He's always been on my mind, in every relationship I've had. Up until you, I guess.' 'Does that mean I can scare away your demons, or does it mean I give you nothing else to think about?' 'It means that when I'm with you, he's suppressed. He's still there, just suppressed.' It's true, I can feel him there. The feelings I had for Kevin Langly were strong, very strong. I've never felt that way about a man up until James. 'I really love you, Ken, never forget that.' 'I know, Clare. I love you too.' We sit again, in silence. I have one hand on his leg and the other is caressing the christal on my neck.

The one week I have with Ken is a wonderful week. We go to Brighton, and spend the remaining four days of our holiday together in a hotel near the coast. It's the same hotel I shared with James, but Ken doesn't know that. Since I've been here, the nightmares have come back again. Ken does know that. On our last morning, when we're walking along the coastline he asks me about it.

'Clare, you probably don't want to talk about this, but..' 'Don't ask me if you know I don't want to talk about it,' I cut him off. I can't help it, but why ask me if I won't answer? 'I do want to ask you. It's important I know this, Clare.' 'Okay then, go ahead. I can't guarantee you I'll answer you, though.' 'It's about the nightmares.' 'No comment on those, Ken.' I wish he hadn't noticed. How could he not notice, I'm lying next to him every night. He wakes me up every night because I'm crying and sweating like hell. 'They keep you awake. They keep me awake. I love you and I want to help you, Clare. If I can, please let me.' He's helped me with things before, so I have no choice but to let him try. 'Look, they're caused by things long gone. Memories.' 'Pretty bad memories, I'd say.' 'Sarah, Blackton, Brenda Thornton..' I answer. I leave out the two main causes, and he notices. 'Kevin, James Lampton..' 'Those too.' 'Look Clare, try to hide it for me if you like but if you don't want me to know you're dreaming about him, then don't hit me and scream at me to get off you, please.' I stand still and look at him. 'Did I do that?' 'Yes, you did. Get off me, you bloody murderer, that's what you said. It took me a while to figure out who you were talking to.' 'Oh my god, I'm sorry Ken. I didn't even notice.' Liar. 'You must have dreamt about him, or would you call me a murderer if you were dreaming about me?' 'I don't think I'd order you off me if I were dreaming about you,' I reassure him. He smiles at me and we walk on.

**

It's been six weeks now since I heard I'm pregnant. A few minutes ago, I felt the baby kick. Tonight, this one night I wouldn't want him to miss, Ken isn't here. He's at home, with a fever. It's eleven o'clock in the evening and I decide to go to him. I don't want him to think I'm forgetting about him. I get in my car and drive to Ken's. When I'm there, I see what I'd never expected to see. I see Carol Browning exiting Ken's flat. Ken isn't with her, probably a good sign. Totally forgetting why I'm here I park my car and storm towards Carol. 'What are you doing here?' I ask her. 'Oh, Commander, I didn't expect you here,' she answers. Oh really. 'I said, what are you doing here?' I repeat. 'I'm just visiting Ken, if I may. He's still my ex-fiancé, I still care about him, you know,' she tells me. 'I know,' I say and I leave her alone, puzzled on the street. I hope she really just came to check up on him, if it was more I'm going to have to kill them both.

Ken's upstairs, on the couch. He looks surprised when I enter his room. 'Clare, what are you doing here?' he asks me. 'Not happy to see me?' I say. It's the bloody hormones, why can't I just ask him a normal question? 'Yes, of course I'm happy. I just didn't expect you. Sit down, I'm sorry but I really don't feel like getting up to get you something.' 'That's okay, I'm not thirsty,' I tell him. I suddenly remember the reason I came here in the first place when I feel the baby again. 'Ken, here feel this,' I say and I sit down on the couch as well. Ken sits next to me and I take his hand. I softly place it over my stomach and hold it there. In silence we wait, and we get rewarded. The baby moves again and Ken feels it. 'Wow, Clare. That feels bloody wonderful.' 'It does, doesn't it,' I say. I kiss him softly on his cheek, but he turns his head so I touch his lips.

Our kiss deepens and soon we're on the couch together. It isn't built for two people to use it as a bed, though. Soon, Ken and I are both on the verge of falling off. We sit up and laugh at our stupidity. 'Every time we haven't seen each other for more than an hour we seem to have this tedency of embarassing ourselves, don't we,' I laugh. This certainly isn't the first time we've lost ourselves, luckily it never happens in public areas. 'Sorry,' Ken apologises. We changed positions and he's sitting on my arm. I pull it away and just look at him. He sees something is bothering me and he knows exactly what it is, as well. 'Carol was worried, Clare. I told her I'd bring back the files on the Cripps shooting, and I was supposed to call her about that yesterday. I forgot and she called me, so I told her she'd better come and collect them. She didn't even see me,' he jokes. I smile. 'Somehow I find that hard to believe.'

He'd never start a relationship with Carol now, not now he's involved with the woman he left Carol for in the first place. I have a feeling Carol would like me to believe otherwise, though. I stay with Ken all evening, and finally I think it's time to go. 'I really should go, Ken.' 'No, you don't have to, Clare,' he tells me. 'You're sick and I'm not doing anything to help that by staying. You need rest, Ken.' 'I don't know what about you, but I feel pretty relaxed.' We're sitting on the couch, Ken is holding my hand and I'm leaning my head against his shoulder. If only Hedges could see this. 'I'm very comfortable, that's not the point,' I answer. 'Stay, though.' I can't say no, not to him. 'Okay.' He pulls me closer. 'You know what I thought when Carol came in?' Do I want to know? 'No.' 'I thought she came from you, with some sort of message that you didn't want me anymore.' 'What?' I'm really stunned by this, how could he ever think that? 'Yeah, I know, very stupid. I did think it, though.' I look at him and I kiss him. 'You'll get sick,' he warnes me. 'So what?' I say. He smiles and we sink back onto the couch. I hope he never thinks I'm leaving him again. We stay like that all night, on the couch. We even fall asleep there.

Every morning that comes I feel sick. Every morning I'm being a bitch to Ken. Every morning I don't want to go to work but I do go, so every morning the whole Yard clears the corridor when I come in. I can't help it, but I feel bloody miserable. I also look bloody miserable, my belly growing as we speak. I love this child very much, but I'm not sure how far I'm willing to go with this. My life should be getting better, but it's not.

Ken's moved in with me, and he wants to sell his appartment. I told him not to, or at least to wait until we're sure about this. He is, of course. I'm not. I'm just too scared to make this commitment. He understands, but I can see he doesn't like it. One night we sit down together to talk about it. It's what we do a lot, talking. I know I've got one hell of a man in front of me, he must be the most patient listener I've ever met. 'Is this still about your former boyfriend, or is this about me?' he asks. 'I don't know.' I honestly don't know. 'I just have this feeling I can't let you get that close to me, Ken.' 'What would be the difference?' 'Ken, we'd be married,' I say. 'So what, that's a ring and vows. We live together, we are in love. What would be different if you loose me now? Would you feel less pain or something?' I think about this for a minute. Ken just sits still and looks at me. 'No. I wouldn't feel different, I think.' I have to admit he's right, he always is. 'So, you admit that if I die now, you'd feel as bad as you would when we were married,' Ken needs certainty. 'Yes.' I know of course what he's going to say next.

**

'Marry me.' I look at him. Normally, I'd get so angry he'd run out immediately. Not today though. I decide to try this the hard way. 'I can't, Ken.' I see the disappointment. It kills me. 'Not yet.' 'Why not? You've just admitted you don't really have a reason not to make this formal, Clare.' 'That's not what I said.' 'It is. You said you didn't want to get married because you'd be devastated when something happened to me. Then you said that you wouldn't feel different when we get married because we already love each other as much as we'll ever be able to. That's the same as admitting you're wrong to me.'

'Not to me it isn't.' I tell him. He has to stop this. 'I'm not only scared of losing you over an accident, Ken.' 'I don't understand.' 'Look, if we ever get into a situation like with you and Carol, and I'm not saying we will, but let's just imagine. If we'd be married, we'd have to get divorced, or we'd have to live side by side every day not loving each other anymore. I couldn't do that.' Suddenly he understands. 'You're scared I can't handle the baby.' 'That too, yes. I know you're okay with me having this child but I don't think you'll ever be able to accept the child as your own, Ken.' 'I probably won't, but I'll try, you know that.' 'Yes I do, and I'm very happy you're willing to do this. But I just don't think that marrying is going to help you with it. Let's just wait, okay?' 'Sure, Clare.' He's angry again. 'At least until the baby is born, okay?' Ken nods. I know I'm not making this any easier but I have no other way.

I've lost it. I've lost my only chance at ever having a child.

Two days ago I went into labour, five weeks early. Babies get born five weeks early, they told me. It was a bit early but everything would be all right. Ken was at my side, holding my hand and giving me the extra strength I needed. Suddenly, I passed out. The only thing I remember is darkness and pain. And Ken's hand, never leaving mine.

Here I am. Alone, in a hospital bed. Ken is nowhere to be seen, and a nurse has just told me they couldn't save my child. 'Her brain was deprived of oxygen for too long, we're so sorry.' Her. So I had a daughter. They even dared to ask me wether I wanted to hold her. I said no, I only want to be left alone. Well, alone I am. I wonder about the baby. I cry for her. I cry for myself. I wanted her so badly, and now she's gone. I'm alone again, something that has to end one day. I fall asleep, still crying for my loss. I loved her.

Ken comes in, and I notice. I keep my eyes closed to let him think I'm asleep, I don't want to talk to him right now. Everything hurts, including my heart. I want to be left alone. Ken doesn't leave when he sees I'm asleep, though. Instead, he kisses my forhead and sits down on the chair next to my bed. At his kiss the tears come again and I can't hide anymore. I cry and open my eyes. I see Ken's worried face and I cry harder. He stands up and embraces me, holding me close to him. 'Oh Clare, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry,' I hear Ken sob. He's crying, too. 'Why, Ken? Why this child? I love her Ken, I want her back.' He doesn't answer me, and I don't want him to. We cry in silence for our dead baby. It's a comfort having him here, I'm glad he didn't leave. When the nurse comes in we part. Ken doesn't leave, but he sits back on the chair again. The nurse looks at us. 'Are you very sure you don't want to see your child, ms. Blake?' the nurse asks me. Ken takes my hand. 'Maybe it's a comfort, Clare. Maybe that will make it real.' he whispers. 'Okay,' I say. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

I sit with my child and I cry. This is the end of it, this is not going to happen again. They didn't have to take anything away, but I don't see me getting pregnant again. Not after this. After a while, I put my daughter back into the cirb and Ken helps me out. In the corridor, I break down one last time. Everything I haven't grieved for before comes out now. 'I'm so sorry Ken, I'm so sorry,' I hear myself say. 'Clare, it's okay, it's not your fault, hush.' 'It is, it's my child. I killed it.' I can't stop, I have to say this. Ken guides me to my bed and lies me down on it. 'Clare, this is and will never be your fault. The baby was probably already dead before you gave birth, it's never your fault. Remember that.' He only makes it worse, though. 'This was my only chance of having a baby, Ken, I'm sorry I can't give you one.' 'I don't need children as long as I have you, Clare please believe me.'

For once, I don't believe him. I don't want to believe him. I want my child. I have to stay in the hospital for two more days. I call Sumpter to tell him the news, and I beg him not to tell Hedges. Carol calls me to say she's sorry. She's also the one to pick us up at the hospital. Ken stayed with me all the time, he's slept next to me in the hospital bed. The doctor and nurses didn't agree, but luckily they didn't try to get him out of my bed. I'd have killed them, I think.

When Carol comes to my room, Ken opens the door. She just looks at Ken with one look of compassion and walks over to me. She hugs me and tells me how very sorry she is. 'I'm so sorry, ma'm. I know you wanted this child very much.' 'I did, Carol. Thank you.' Then she goes to Ken and embraces him as well. I don't care, even if they'd kiss I don't care. Ken is probably leaving me anyway. Carol takes us to my place and she asks Ken if she has to bring him home as well. What he says next is something I'll never forget.

'This is my home, Carol. Thank you.' He gets out with me, guides me in and gets me settled on the bed. He brings me something light to eat and he comes to sit next to me. I look at him. 'Thank you, Ken.' 'Always.' 'I'm sorry...' He cuts me off. 'Stop, Clare. You're making this harder than it already is.' 'Marry me,' I say. He just looks at me. After a moment of realisation, he nods. 'I love you, Clare. Nothing in the world would make me happier than to marry you.' 'Not even a baby?' I ask quietly. 'Not even a baby.'

** The End.