Disclaimer: I guess Lynda La Plante owns the fabulous 'The Commander' and characters Clare Blake, Ken Miles e.a. I own the story.

Set just after Blackdog, and please bear in mind I haven't seen Blacklight. This is just a fantasy story.

From the end to the end.

He died. Killed. Murdered.

I guess it's what he deserves, considering he was a cold-blooded killer himself. Hell, he even tried to kill me.

Though, I feel sorry for him. Even murderers deserve a second chance. I know, he got his and he screwed up, but that doesn't mean he deserves to be killed.

'I've got the files you asked for, ma'm.' D.I. Carol Browning walks into the room, violently kicking me out of my thoughts. A good thing, probably, I was just beginning to feel sorry for the bastard. 'Thanks Carol. Will you tell Gina I'll be off to Brighton this afternoon? I don't want to be disturbed.' Carol nods. 'I understand.' She hesitates. 'Are you okay, ma'm? You seem a little distracted.' 'Well, I guess I am. But I'm fine, I just want to take Sarah to the Pier and say goodbye. So, if you'll excuse me.' I stand up, trying to get Carol out of my office. She is a bad body sign reader. 'Shall I call for a car?' When will she stop asking that? 'No, Carol, thanks. I'll drive there by myself, if that's okay with you.' It comes out pretty hard, but I really need to have her off my back. Lucky for her, Carol leaves the office with a nod. She walks along Gina on her way out, and Gina casts an understanding look into the office. She's a good woman, Gina.

On my way to the Pier I have difficulties keeping my eyes on the road. Too many things are spinning through my head, and I'm glad I've managed to get the rest of the day off. I need the time to myself. I need to think.

After saying goodbye to Sarah for one last time, I sit on a bench on the beach and cry. I simply cry, something I'd never let any of my colleagues see. I've got a job that's too important to allow myself to cry every now and then, but I need it.

Suddenly, I hear footsteps behind me. I wipe my eyes, even though I haven't got the faintest idea who is approaching me. He isn't trying to mask his approach though, which would mean he or she isn't a stranger sneaking up on me. When I feel a hand touching my shoulder I know it's the one man I don't want to see right now. Ken Miles. Carol Brownings fiancé.

'Clare.' One simple word, but it means a lot to me. I sob, I can't help it but I feel so helpless. He comes to sit next to me, but I involuntarily move over to the far end of the bench. My body moves without my mind giving permission. 'What is it, Clare? Are you okay?' If everyone would just stop asking me that. I don't answer him, instead I stay where I am. Stiffened, at the far end of the bench. I don't move a muscle.

When Ken asks me if I'm okay again, I loose it. 'Of course I'm not okay! I've lost my dear sister, God knows how much I loved her. It's taken me a very long time to even get one hour off to take her where she belongs now. A murderer who is also my ex-lover is dead. Blackton has just tried to hang me. Carol knows everything. And I'm supposed to be all right?' Ken just sits there and listens. I guess that's why I love him, he listens. He and James are both great listeners, I need someone like that. When I'm finished he puts an arm around my shoulder and pulls me close. 'I know, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked.' I let him pull me closer but for the rest I keep still. 'How did you know I was here?' Then I realize Carol might have told him. Would he be that stupid to come to me, with Carol knowing about our affaire and our whereabouts? 'You didn't ask Carol, I hope?' He smiles softly. 'No. I sneaked into your office, and I saw a big red 'Brighton' in your diary. It didn't take me long to figure out where you were.' I smile back at him and relax into his arms. It's better to grief together than to do it all by yourself, I guess..

**

I have no idea what time it is. I don't care. All I know is that all feeling in my arm is gone and that Ken is asleep, his chin leaning on my head. I punch him softly in his side. 'Ken. Ken? Wake up.' He opens one eye, smiles at me and opens the other. 'I'm sorry, Clare. It's been a tiring time for me as well. Carol didn't really like... us, you know.' The smile fades off my face. 'I know. And I'm sorry if I caused problems between you, I didn't mean to. Never.' 'Clare. Look at me.' I try, but I can't meet his eyes. He lifts my chin and I try hard not to look at him, but he leaves me no chance. 'I left Carol a while ago. You know it. We don't have any hard feelings, well, Carol might have one but I don't. We're still very good friends, and I don't think Carol will keep blaming you. She's just upset, it will pass.' The look of love I see in his eyes makes my tears well up again. I have to say this, but I can't. 'Ken, I didn't want you to break up over me.' He sees my tears and he captures one with his thumb. 'I know. But we did. We can be together now, Clare. I love you more than I love Carol, I know it. Please give me a chance to proove it to you.' I know he means it but I also thought I knew it with James. He told me he loved me, and it wasn't hard to believe that. It did get me into a lot of trouble, though. Ken sees the doubts wash over my face. 'Come on. Let's go home,' he says. 'You need to rest.' He's right, of course. It's already getting dark and I really should get some sleep. 'Okay.' I see the question in his eyes. Can I stay. For a second I look at him, trying to get my mind to tell me what to do. 'Would you like to come with me, Ken?' There, I did it.

It's a good thing he didn't come by car as well. I'm also glad he's driving, I don't think I would be able to get us somewhere safely right now. My head is spinning of the lack of sleep, but also from the company. Oh yeah, I have feelings for this man. Why does it always need to be someone practically out of range? A serial killer and rapist, and now an ex-fiancé. Well, I'd better go for the latter, I decide.

When we arrive at my place, he skilfully parks my car and hurries to open the door for me. That's also something I love in a man. He makes me feel loved, needed in some way. He locks the car and I stand at my front door, waiting for him. I unlock the door and want to let him in, but he insists I go in first. I smile and enter, with Ken behind me. We walk up the stairs in silence. His hand feels for my pocket, and he drops the keys in the left pocket of my jacket. I don't expect him to do what he does next. His hand takes mine and squeezes it softly. I feel him looking at me, knowing I'll look back at him. I smile up at him. He makes me feel loved, and I try my very best to let him know how much it's appreciated.

At the door of my appartment, I stay outside until he enters before me. At first he doesn't want to, but I playfully push him forward and he goes in, laughing. I close the door and lock it, a habit ever since Brenda Thornton attacked me. We walk into the living room, which reminds me of our first night together. Nothing much happened that night, but I expect tonight won't be the same, 'Would you like something to drink? I've got an opened bottle of Scotch, or wine if you prefer that,' I tell him. He moves over to me, behind me and puts his hands on my shoulders. Moving me over to the couch I know what his intention is. He's not going to let me do anything by myself tonight, not even pour us a drink.

I surrender and sit down, and I see him disappearing into the kitchen. A few moments later he reappears, holding two glasses of red wine in his hands. He hands me one and our hands touch. He comes to sit next to me, not very close but not far away either. He knows that I need space, and that I'll move closer if I need the comfort. He does take my hand though, which is lying on m thigh. 'Do you want to talk about this? About everything? Because now is the place to do it.' He should stop looking at me all the time, it makes me nervous. 'There's not much to discuss, I think,' I answer. Before I've finished my sentence I know his response. 'I don't want to discuss anything. I just thought it might be a comfort for you to talk about the past few weeks.' He looks away and hesitates. 'You'll have to talk to someone, some day. Just don't let it be Sumpter, or even Carol for that matter.' I smile. I know he cares a lot about Carol, but he knows she isn't half the listener he is. I look at him, and he looks back at me. I know I've got for a week's worth of things on my mind and I'd love to talk about it. The only thing is, it's about James.

I decide to tell him that much. See how he reacts.

**

'It's mostly something you might not want me to talk about,' I say. Ken looks puzzeled for a second, but then he understands. 'It's about this Lampton guy, isn't it.' When he realizes how hard that must have sounded he puts his second hand on mine. 'Hey. I didn't mean that, I just hate him for what he did to you. Sorry.' At least he didn't tell me to shut up about James. 'You know he was killed, don't you?' I ask him. 'Yes. I remember the first thing I thought was good for him.' I even smile at that. 'Funny. The first thing I thought was he doesn't deserve this.' Ken looks at me with large eyes. 'Clare, come on. After everything he's put you through? You can't still feel sorry for him!' I do. That's the problem. I was so in love with the man I still feel sorry for him.

'Ken, I'm sorry I shouldn't have brought it up. But you told me I could tell you anything, and well, this is the only thing that came to mind. Stupid, huh. But I've tried to deal with Sarah, and with Carol. Blackton is history. James Lampton is the ony thing keeping me busy at the moment.' I hope he understands. He takes his glass from the table, and sips from it. 'You can talk about him, of course. If you need to get him out of your head, which I can very well understand, then now's the time. I don't mind. I hated the man, but I know you didn't.' That's sweet. I decide not to do this to him right now. It's very late already and I've got to be at work early tomorrow.

I take a shower, wondering what Ken's doing. Will I let him stay over night? I feel like being held but then again everyone at the Yard will know tomorrow, I'm bad at hiding things. I decide to let him stay if he wants to, of which I'm not entirely sure after what we talked about.

I exit the bathroom to find him standing only a few meters away, leaning against the doorway. He looks at me, and I look back. His eyes don't leave mine, another thing I love about him. It's not all about my body. 'Ken, if you want to leave, that's okay. I'll see you tomorrow then.' I see something change in the way he looks at me. He's disappointed, he must think that I'm sending him away. 'You can also stay, though. Hold me tonight, if that's what you want. I'd like it.' Is that my voice? Must be.

We lie toghether all night, holding each other for dear life. Never once he tries to push me further, and I'm glad.

The next morning we're both inexcusably late at work. Carol looks suspicious as I enter my office, and Gina asks me if I brought Sarah to Brighton. I answer a soft 'yes' and I look at the pile of files on my desk. On top of it is the report Blackton gave me. I don't feel like reading it so it disappears into a cupboard. Half of the pile rests the same fate and I sit down to go through a report on the Lampton case again. Yesterday hasn't helped me forget about it. I feel sick.

All day I try to concentrate on one thing but I can't. Ken, James and Blackton are spooking through my head and then there's Carol. She's been walking past my office without reason several times now, this has to stop. I call Gina, who's two metres away from the door of my office. I just don't feel like walking. 'Gina, could you send Carol in please? There's something I need to discuss with her. Thank you.' I break contact before she can answer me. I see the questions on her face as she looks at me, calling Carol. When Carol enters the office I know this is not going to be a very pleasant conversation.

'You wanted to see me, ma'm?' She just stands there, hands behind her back. She looks at me as if I'm her greatest enemy. I hope I'm not. 'Yes, Carol. Please, sit down.' 'No thank you, I'm quite comfortable standing.' I sigh. Okay Blake, let's get this over with.

'Carol. As you know Ken and I had an affaire a while ago. I'm very sorry you two broke up over this. You belong together, and you know it.' Damn this is hard. 'We broke up because I don't see it working out with Ken and you being together behind my back. Ma'm.'

What was that I said a while ago, of her not being ready to fly from under my wing? 'I'm really sorry Carol. I told Ken the same thing. He doesn't see it work out too, between you. But I know you can find a way, please, forgive him. It was probably my fault anyway,' I add. 'No, it was Ken's fault all along. Here's my number, just call me any time. Or whistle. He was so bold with you. I didn't like that and we had an argument after you left. But I assume you already know that, seen the fact that he went to your place.' I didn't know about the argument, I only know he was with me that night. 'I didn't know. I'm sorry.' Carol looks away, and I see the inevitable question coming. I decide to answer it before it's even asked, and to answer it honestly. 'Yes. He was with me last night.' She looks at me, disgust in her eyes. 'Wasn't hard to guess, the way you two came walking in.' I sigh again. This is harder than I expected. 'Look, Carol. You broke up with him, he's a free man now. I can't help it that he's come to me, but I know that I can't send him away. I love him, probably as much as you do. But I can't let that affect the way we work together. I need you on my team, and if you can't deal with this you'll have to be transferred.' I'm not telling her I know she's just withdrawn her application for a transfer. I see the shock on her face and I try to hide the feeling of power I get. 'Okay, Ma'm. It's no problem.' I'm glad she's letting me off the hook, another enemy isn't something I need right now.

**

The next morning I'm alone. I also went to bed alone, so it is to be expected. Though, I feel strange. My stomach is making summersaults and I don't feel like getting up, so I decide to lie down for another minute.

When I wake up I don't know where I am. For a second I'm scared, then I realize it's already light and I'm still in bed. My mobile is ringing, probably the reason I woke up. I get out of bed and walk to the living room, half naked. 'Clare Blake.' I know I sound awful, I feel the same. 'Hey Clare, it's Ken. Are you all right? We're a bit worried at the Yard.' Of course. The Yard. 'Yes Ken, I'm fine but I won't be coming over today, okay? Can you please tell Gina I'm calling in sick today?' 'Sure, but if you're okay, then why are you calling in sick?' I sigh. I just need to rest, is that so hard to understand? Then I realize I've said that out loud. 'Sorry Ken. It came out harder than I meant. I'm just.. tired, okay?' I hear his voice telling someone, probably Gina that I'm not well. I also hear Carol react. 'Yeah well, you'd be the one to know, wouldn't you.' My heart stops for a second. 'Ken, I'm so sorry. I thought you said you two were still good friends.' He's finding it hard to answer me, I can hear his breathing get faster. 'Yeah, we're okay.' It doesn't sound okay to me. I decide it's my turn to be the listener. 'If you want to talk about something, anything, and I mean it, you know where to find me. Bye.' I close my phone and put it back on the table. I imagine Ken closing his and smiling at Carol.

I try to do as much as I can during the day. I do my shopping, get my car fuelled up again and I clean the house. Never once do I feel okay, never once am I satisfied. It's only then that I realize I'm alone. Sarah's gone, Ken's gone. I practically destroyed his social life, just as I did James'. I guess I'm not the kind of woman that ever gets married. I sit down and pour myself some coffee, something I've been drinking a lot today. My system's full of cafeine, and still I feel tired as hell.

I sit on the couch for a while, knowing I'm waiting for Ken to call me or come over to my place. I don't know why I expect him to, maybe I just want him to. I also know that I'm needed at the Yard, but I just don't feel like going there. I have a good cry over Sarah again and I have another bath, my second today. Dressed in my underwear and a very oversized shirt I decide to get back to bed, it's already six o'clock anyway. I'll have dinner later. I don't think I can eat anything right now. I've only just opened the blankets when my doorbel rings. My heart jumps and I hurry to my front door. As I take the horn I realize it might not be Ken. My realization is soon confirmed. 'Ma'm? It's Carol. I've got some files for you, I think you should read through them.' Why is it that she seems to have ice over her voice every time she adresses me? 'Sure Carol, come in.' I open the door for her and open my own as well, so Carol doesn't have to wait for me. I'm glad I put on some jeans as soon as I heard the doorbell, I would've been a sight in my oversized 'Bulls' shirt. Not that I look professional right now...

Carol enters and looks at me as if she sees a ghost. I probably resemble one. I know I have to say something, justify myself in some way. 'I'm sorry I look such a sight Carol, but I feel like shit. I haven't been feeling differently all day.' Carol just puts down the files and nods. So. Here we stand, two woman. One in her twenties, I in my fourties. We both fancy the same man, we're both jealous. I decide this really has to stop, but Carol beats me to it. 'Ken has decided to choose for you, Commander. I'm not saying I like his choice but I obviously don't satisfy his needs. I hope you do.' She's almost crying. I don't know what to do, so I just stare at her. Indecisive. Suddenly, Carol can't hold back her tears and breaks down. Luckily the couch is there to catch her. I know that I'm of no use standing here, so I move over to her and put an arm around her. My closeness makes her aware of why she's crying and she immediately stands up again, leaving me on the couch. 'I don't need your compassion. You've already done enough for me, Commander.' 'Carol. Don't do this. I stand up as well, and I try to get her back on the couch. I know something more has to be done to get her to sit down. 'It's you who invited me over, but it's Ken who was suggestive and it's Ken who came to my place. It's also Ken who asked me if he could stay. You know that, I'm not to blame for him liking me.' Carol surrenders, probably because she's not strong enough to resist my pushing hands. I push her down on the couch and continue my story. 'I know you don't like the fact that Ken came to me, and I would be lying if I said that I'm comfortable with the way things are. But I can't change it.'

We sit together for a while, Carol softly crying and me trying to keep my tears from my eyes. It's hard, seeing a young woman so sad. And knowing you're the reason is even harder. When Carol finally stops, I'm glad. 'I'm sorry ma'm, I've cried all over your couch,' she sobs. 'Stop calling me ma'm, start calling me Clare, okay?' I tell her. She smiles and stands up. 'I should leave. I haven't eaten a bit since this morning and my dog's probably eating the carpet by now.' I smile. At any other occasion, any other day I'd ask her to stay and have dinner here, but not today. She'd probably tell me 'no' anyway. I let her out and decide it's time for me to eat as well. I hope Carol is going to be all-right again.

**

I've just eaten the most wonderful lonely dinner I've had all year. I considered calling Ken but I think Carol is with him, I don't know why but it's just a feeling. I ate on my own, rice with chicken. I don't like chicken but it was the only thing resembling meat in my entire house. I sit down on the couch with a glass of wine and I decide to see what's in the files Carol so kindly brought over. I'm glad she came though, I think things will be better for all of us. At least I hope so.

It's already very late when my cell goes off again. The digital letters on the small screen say 'Ken'. I sigh, clear my throat and in my most commander-like voice answer him. 'Clare Blake.' Silence. 'Ken?' 'Yes. Clare. Hi.' Something is wrong, all right. 'Can I come over? Now, Clare?' I'm a bit startled with his question, so I hesitate in answering him. 'You said that if I wanted to talk, Clare, about anything I could come over. But never mind, you're probably not in the mood. Don't let me spoil your evening.' I answer him quickly before he can cut me off. 'Ken. It's okay, I'm not busy. Please come over, so we can talk. It's about Carol, I guess?' 'Yes. She's a mess, Clare. So it's okay if I come over now?' He's still questioning her. 'Sure. Whatever I said this morning on the phone, I meant it. I'll see you in a bit.' Ken really sounds like hell. Then probably, so do I. 'Okay. Give me twenty minutes. Thank you, Clare.' He cuts me off and I decide I need to dress properly.

As I open the door to let Ken in I know this is not going to be a very pleasant talk. Although I'm the one that called in sick today, he's the one who looks terrible. His eyes look cold and tired and concern is easily read off his face. I want to comfort him, but I don't know how. 'Oh Ken. What's happened?' It sounds stupid but it's the only thing I can come up with right now. 'It's Carol. She was here, right?' 'Yes. We had a talk, she seemed all right when she left.' Ken moves to the couch and sits down. 'That's the problem, I guess. She came over to my flat and told me she didn't care anymore.' I don't really see the problem in that, but then again, I don't love Carol the way he probably still does. 'Do you know what we talked about, did she tell you?' I ask. He shakes his head. 'No, she just said I could have affaires all over the place and she wouldn't care a bit.' 'We talked about you, mostly. And about ourselves. About what a bitch I have been to you. To your relationship. She seemed to understand I'm sorry and she also seemedto understand you're sorry.' 'Yeah. I know. She forgave me, and I'm glad. I think I just needed to know she really forgives me and you, I needed to confirm my hopes.' 'Which are... what?' I know I sound bold but it just flopped out. 'We're not doing anything behind her back anymore. She knows about us, about our feelings for each other. We can have the relationship I'd like us to have.' His eyes look deeply into mine, as to find out wether I still want him or not. How come he still doubts me? Am I that unclear? 'Ken. I'm yours.' I smile at him. 'If you'll have me.'

'Of course I'll have you. You know it. Now, what about a nightcap? Wine, or the Scotch?' I smile at him and stand up to get the glasses. He follows me through the house, normally I don't like being followed but I don't seem to mind. I give my hips an extra sway, just for him and he knows it.

We sit together for a long time, both in our own thoughts. I think about how I'm able to forget about James while I'm near Ken. Good thing, the Lampton bastard almost completely controlled my mind these past few days. I am also trying to figure out what it is that has Ken completely occupied. He has been staring for the past few minutes. At me. Not that he notices, his mind is obviously somewhere else on the planet. I am just about to re-fill our glasses when his hand stops me. 'Don't, we'll have a hell of a headache tomorrow.' He leaves the rest of his sentence unsaid. I know what he means. I bring the glasses to the kitchen, and I thank whatever God that made me buy a dishwasher. I throw everything in the machine and hope I won't forget it tomorrow.

Ken stays again, we're both a lot more comfortable now we know Carol doesn't really care about us any more. Her reaction might have been a little harsh but that's her way of dealing with things. She'll cool down eventually. It's only a matter of time.

As Ken sleeps, I lay awake in his arms. This is how it should be, forever. Then why do I feel bad about this?

**

I don't know why, but Ken doesn't want me to go to work today. He says I need to think things over, relax and make sure nothing comes unexpected. Everything always comes unexpected, I tell him. He won't buy it, I have no choice but to stay at home today. Somewhere I'm glad, I don't feel that well anyway. I don't do much all day, for a change. Ken's right, I do need the rest. I don't get out of bed until two o'clock and when I finally am out of bed I decide to get back in.

I have a couple of really bad nightmares. About James, what if George hadn't been there for me? Brenda Thornton is also something that isn't going to get out of my head for a very, very long time. I dream about her attacking Sarah and then coming to me. I'm screaming and kicking at everything I can hit when I open my eyes. 'Clare. It's okay. It's just a dream, Clare, look at me.' It's Ken, of course. He must have gotten worried when I didn't call him in his break. I had promised to do so, I know but I just couldn't get myself to call him with Carol probably standing a few feet away. The cafeteria isn't that large. 'I'm sorry, Ken.' I don't know wether I'm apologising for not calling him or for probably kicking him. He doesn't really seem to care. 'Clare, you really have to talk about this to someone. You have nightmares every night.' 'I know that,' I answer, 'I'm the one who's having them in the first place.' I know I shouldn't talk to him like this but he deserves it. He shouldn't try to tell me I'm having nightmares. He should be chasing them away.

I ask him if he can stay. I feel weak, too weak to be left alone again. He says he can, and if I'd want him to he'd never leave me again. I know he's telling the truth. I also know that I need him to. 'Ken, can I ask you something? Something... pretty personal.' He looks at me with that puppy-like look and answers me in a soft voice. 'Of course. Ask me anything, personal or not.' As I'm still in the bed and he's still sitting on my foot, I try to sit up. He lets me and comes to sit by my side in my double bed. Why did I ever get a double bed?

'Did you and Carol... really want to get married?' I know it probably sounds stupid but I have to ask. 'She did. I don't really know, I mean I love Carol but she's still so very young. I thought maybe she was only doing it for me.' 'I don't think so, Ken. She really loved you a lot.' He didn't need that, I can see it but I don't care. 'Do you love me, Clare?' he suddenly asks. 'Because if you don't, you know, I can't take another woman walking out on me as soon as I love her more than life itself.' Wow. What a declaration. I still don't know why he loves me, I mean I'm a lot older than he is. I decide to tell him the full truth because that's the only thing that he is going to let me tell him. Even if it is not what he wants to hear, he'll probably squeeze the truth out of me.

'Ken. Listen to me. I wouldn't have let you stay that night if I didn't love you.' I wait for his answer, which is not going to be a very pleasant one for me. 'I wasn't sure of that. You see, after Lampton.' I sigh and look at the ceiling. When are they going to stop about James? 'I loved him too.' It's as simple as that, I won't make it harder for him. 'I loved James a lot, and I love you a lot. Probably more.' He puts an arm around my shoulder and I know why this doesn't feel right. The commitment, finally I've found someone who loves me back and will have me in his life. Probably for a very long time. I realize I don't know if I can handle that.

I decide I probably have to tell the man who's sitting next to me, stroking my upper arm. It wouldn't be fair to let him think I'm fully ready to do this while I'm not.

'Ken. I love you a lot, but I have something else to tell you. This is not going to be easy for me, neither will it be what you want to hear.' I see his face and suddenly I can't talk. I feel another panic attack coming up, and I breathe long deep breaths. Ken notices. 'Clare, are you all right? You can tell me everything, anything, you know that.' I do, but it's just that I don't know if I can tell myself again. I hate myself for not wanting to make a commitment. 'I.. have always had a certain problem. That's probably the reason I'm still single, Ken.' He doesn't understand. I think I should rephrase that sentence a bit. 'I.. haven't noticed anything, Clare, you're great as you are.' No, he definitely misunderstood. 'Ken, it's not about my body. It's about my heart. I'm really bad at making promises to others, especially men. And I feel bad about it, and I want to change, but no one has ever taken the time to help me.' I'm looking at my hands now, folded in my lap. Ken moves over and sits in front of me, still on the bed. 'I'd be happy to help you in any way I can. If you need more space, I can give you that, Clare.' I want him to try that more than anything. 'Thank you, Ken. I love you, never ever forget that.' 'I won't, really, I won't.' He climbes off the bed and looks at me. 'What would you like for lunch?'

** TBC

We eat lunch in utter silence. I don't eat that much due to me not feeling too well today. After lunch I loose half of it, and Ken finds me hanging with my head above the toilet. I don't know why, but I couldn't keep it in. 'I'm sorry, Ken. It was wonderful, but I just..' He breaks me off. 'Shh, Clare. Don't worry, it's all right. Since when have you been feeling sick?' I'll have to think about that one, I tell him. 'Probably a week. It's been coming and going, but it hasn't gone since I've brought Sarah to Brighton.' I sit on the edge of the bath looking at Ken. 'I'm a mess, Ken.'

'Don't say that. You're not a mess. You were, when you were taking the morphine but you've stopped that and I'm proud of you. I'll do everything within my power to help you, now let's get you on the couch.' We walk together to the couch, and I sit down. He comes to sit next to me, after he's made me some tea. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve it at all. 'Ken, you don't have to do this. I'll be fine,' I lie. I know I'm not going to be fine if he would just walk out now. 'No, you're not and you know it. You're going to see a doctor tomorrow, Clare.' I don't feel like arguing but I don't feel like seeing a doctor either. 'I don't want to, Ken. It's probably just the flu or something.' It doesn't quite feel like the flu, and I'm glad Ken doesn't know that. He won't let me get away with it, though. 'No, you're going. I'm coming with you if I have to.' 'No, don't. One employee not coming to work is enough for the Yard to cope with. Let's not overload them by you calling in sick as well.' I then realize that's not what he was planning on doing 'And you're not telling them I'm not well either.' He winks at me. 'Okay, but you'll have to promise me to go. I'll check on you, you know.' Oh, I know.

We spend our evening together, talking about work. I bring up Carol a few times and he suddenly starts about James. Things that needed to be said are said, I tell him about Brighton. What James and I did there. I even tell him James read a part of his book to me. Not once does he interrupt me, not once does he tell me to change the subject. He needs this as much as I do, I know. He needs to understand why I loved the man.

That night, I ask him to go home. I tell him that I love him very much, but that I need some space right now. He doesn't really understand, and I explain that I'm not feeling well again and I don't want to spoil his sleep. He nods, kisses me and walks out. I go to the window and see him come out of my front door. Just when I want to walk away, he turns around and waves at me. My heart melts and I wave back. I send a kiss with it. He disappears in the darkness.

*** End of PT. 1

>> on to the sequel

<< back to index