IMPALED: "Everybody poops, therefore everyone should buy our CD."
What do you know about IMPALED? I know what you'll say: "It's a new-wave death/grind band from California with ex-members of EXHUMED and they have two releases on Necropolis". But you missed a small, but very important detail. These guys really mean what they describe in their lyrics. And they are total retards (or at least they do their best to look that way). No offense, boys, we all know it's a part of your scene image. I wanted this interview to be serious, thus I gave some serious questions (as I usually do), but Leon & co ruined it all. They spoke a lot in this interview, but they didn't actually answer at least a single question. They even insulted and threatened me all the way through the interview. Leon (guitar, vocals) even tried to promote his mother's drumming skills (that was the worst of it). Anyhow, check out what these criminally insane child-molesters had to share with their fans. Drop me a line if you get to read this interview to the end. You'll deserve an award then. Have an (un)pleasant reading. (Krasniy)
Ok boys, let's get started. Please, cite all notable biographical facts that took place in IMPALED's bio.
Sean: 04/01/98- Ross gets head stuck in toilet tank
05/27/98- Ross gets head unstuck
10/07/99- Sean breaks world record for most hot dogs eaten in a day
10/08/99- Raul breaks world hot dog eating record
01/16/00- Leon arrested for netsex with underage girls
02/28/00- 12 die in daring escape attempt by Leon from Santa Rita prison
Leon: It was only 11, and one of them was deserved it, cigarette stealing
bastard.
Raul:04/18/01-Raul kicks the shit out of Sean at one of the crazy nights at Lucifer's hammer in San Francisco.
04/19/01-Sean cuts Raul's arms and legs with an axe
04/20/01-Raul gets a drum machine and learns how to play it with a toothpick
04/21/01 -Raul sticks toothpick into Sean's eye
How has been the response to "The Dead..." CD? Was it a successful output in terms of selling?
Leon: Selling out, maybe.
Sean: In terms of selling, no. In terms of chucking out of the windows of moving cars, yes.
Raul:The response have been ok, it gets better every day, last show we did only 3 people try to kill us, as for before even our parents will hit us in the head with an empty bottle.
Please, give us some info on DeathVomit Rec. which seems to be a new branch of Necropolis recs. What stuff is this newcomer going to release?
Sean: We all hope the next thing they'll release is Matt Harvey from his contract.
Raul:We can only hope!
Leon: Well, it's a new branch of Necropolis Recs. They'll probably release some metal.
I definitely liked the cover of "The Dead." CD. It was like "oh shit, what is this mess???" when I got the CD out of the package. It's doubtlessly sick as fuck. Whose idea it was?
Sean: I remember it like it was about two ears ago. I was sleeping soundly when I awoke and a luminous creature was hovering above my bed, bathed in blue light. I couldn't move or speak and I was scared out of my mind. Two more creatures floated through the walls and took hold of my arms and legs and then pulled me through the air into their craft, which was silently floating outside my window. They did horrible things to me there. I remember having a needle inserted into my eye, having patches of skin removed with a laser, and being forced to watch Andrew Lloyd Weber musicals for hours at a time. It was during the made for PBS production of "Cats" that I tried to
think of something, anything, more horrible than listening to "Music of the Night". All I came up with was shitting out my own entrails, which is admittedly still more fun than watching a bunch of femmes in cat suits prance around a stage, but it helped me get through that horrible night. (I wonder how he got his guts back to their place. Shitted them back? -Ed.)
Leon: I dunno, but it was my idea to get the creature costumes and put needles in Sean's eye. (Bad boy you, Leon, are!!! - Ed.)
You have much common with EXHUMED. I wonder if there is any relationship between the two bands at the moment?
Sean: Me and Mike Beams are dating.
Raul: I think Matt Harvey is dating Ross as well, but I'm not sure cause I saw Col Jones with Ross the other night.
Leon: They're our bitch.
Where does this special feeling for excrements come from? Is it a peculiar source of inspiration or just fun? By the way, I almost threw out when I saw the cover of your "From Here to Colostomy" demo.
Sean: I know alot of people who almost threw out that tape. My parents, my social worker, and most importantly, me.
Leon: Everybody poops, therefore everyone should buy our CD.
Raul:I think it's one of those nature things, it comes from deep deep inside of you.
You are doing gigs with extensive frequency, therefore I wonder which bands you'd find most pleasing to tour with?
Sean: It's not the frequency, it's the amplitude. I'd like to tour with Engorged or Haemmorhage.
Leon: I'd be most pleased to tour with Destiny's Child, because I make a sperm deposit in their asses.
Raul: I like to tour with the bands that attract the most cute girls to shows and can get us the most beer, cuse I don't think we'll ever be able to do those things by ourselves.
Please, give the details on IMPALED's "Choice Cuts" EP. What stuff does it feature? Any musical changes?
Leon: I think it has some songs. Some new, some old. All bad.
Raul: Also it's round and it'll cause a musical change in your stereo every time you change the CD.
Which bands are you mostly influenced by? I bet the main of them is early CARCASS. Am I right?
Leon: Boy, head of your fuckin' class, aren't you?
Sean: You are one smart s.o.b, mister. I rip off: Megadeth, Carcass, Anthrax, Dismember, and some non metal bands.
Raul: I rip of my Mom and my Grandma wen I need money for beer, other than that I like only salsa music.
It is interesting to know how your family members perceive your music and the band's concept. Is it like "Hey you, silly asshole, shut that noise down!" or they prove to show more loyalty?
Sean: My dad and mom are proud of me, which says alot about them. I agree with the State. They are unfit parents.
Leon: My mom was our original drummer. She can blast like Mick Harris.
Raul: I don't know what to tell you, ever since I got kicked out for playing in Impaled,
I only see my family wen ever I sneak into their house and steel all the beer they have.
Is it true that you gave shows with CRADLE OF FILTH? If yes, can you explain me how it is possible to combine gore-metal with brit-pop on the same stage???
Sean: It is near impossible.
Leon: Those guys are FFFAAAAGGGGGGGGSSSSSSS!
Raul:Easy! You just beat the crap out of those fucks and spread the blood all over the stage.
What reasons would make you commit a murder?
Sean: Wow, that's a really good question.
Leon: Being asked that stupid question.
Raul:I don't remember what made me do it.
What is your position on US Government and the new President?
Sean: Doggystyle, mutha! Yee haw! (You should know that it's a crime of the Federal rank. You all will be electrocuted for that. -Ed.)
Leon: I was gonna say what Sean said. But I'll take a handjob, I'm not a
proud man.
Raul:I'll have no comment on this one, this interview is getting strange.
US keeps spawning more and more Black Metal acts. Are you into this genre? What is your opinion on such bands as JUDAS ISCARIOT, KRIEG, ABSU and alikes?
Sean: The only Black Metal band I listen to is Artificium Sanguis. They truly destroy everyone else on planet fucking Earth.
Raul:I have seen these Artificium Sandwich guys live, they make the best club sandwiches in town.
What is the most miserable thing you've ever done?
Sean: I burglarized a house when I was a teenager.
Leon: Answered these questions.
Raul: I said no to some one that was giving me a free beer, I'll never forget that day, it was hell, hell I tell you!
Are you going to settle down some time later and play softer stuff like CARCASS did (thus having dug their own grave)?
Sean: That's good. Carcass digging their own grave. Nicely done. No soft stuff for Impaled. Leave that for side bands.
Leon: I hope so. I wanna soundscan 65,000 albums, too.
Raul: I don't know man, my hopes in life is to get married, have kids
and play in a top forty band by the time I'm 23.
What circumstances would be able to ruin IMPALED?
Sean: If we continued to write music and release it.
Leon: Doing more interviews with these snotty answers we're giving.
Raul: He who steals my beer, dies!!!
Can we expect you with gigs in Eastern Europe in 2001?
Sean: Yes.
Leon: No.
Raul: Maybe.
Please, reveal us your pathological plans for this year?
Sean: I'm hoping to save up enough money to get this mole on my back removed. Muhahahaha!!! EVIL!!!
Leon: I'm gonna buy a mask and make a scary movie.
Raul: I'm gonna move to the jungle and live with the monkeys.
Any last words?
Sean: Stop plate tectonics!!!
Leon: Hey! Look over there! And if I was standing next to you, this is where I'd push you over Raul's back and take your wallet.
Raul: Never mind Plate Tectonics, Stop the killing of innocent Donkeys
IMPALED Official Homepage
Interview taken by Krasniy
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