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I was always afraid of the thought of distrust, lonesome, and betrayal. I had never experienced it, only seen it, in mourners eyes after a funeral, in the hugs of offered support and comfort after a relationship is broken, and heard it, in deep sobs of anguish, in the sound of Taps being played at a September 11 memorial service, not until now have I felt this anguish, this pain that surges through your heart like a wave crashing onto the shore of the beach. Not until a tragedy hits would you understand this grief. No physical pain compares to this ripping of the soul. No word is adequate to explain the slash in the heart. Only images of his face, memories of kind words once spoken, and the look of loving trust that once you willing gave only to him are crushed in the knowledge that he has betrayed you. You are alone. I am alone. Mere speech cannot offer solace. You are at the bottom of the pit, a pit so deep that light cannot penetrate the thick blackness that engulfs you. You are lost in your memories of bliss that fuel your sorrow. I know your pain. Words wear you down, words like love, trust, compassion, they only add bitterness to an already bitter and betrayed heart, names, places, music slowly deteriorates the protective emotional wall that has been so carefully built. This hurt does not disappear quickly, the pain disappears as a glacier slowly melts over thousands of years leaving its crude marks on cliffs and breaking off parts of your heart as rocks are picked up and broken by the glaciers, like the scarred cliff, my heart too will never heal. Forever I will turn when I hear his name, forever my heart will race when I hear laughter like his, forever I will question the trust I see in another man's eyes. Forever will words in the dictionary be replaced by a name. |
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