From a message posted to the Marx Brothers List Server
By Rob Rose

"Dr. Hackenbush" was written for "A Day at the Races" by 
Bert Kalmar and Harry Ruby, and therefore bears and unsurprising 
resemblance in some spots to "Hooray for Captain Spaulding."  It was never
included in the film, however, which almost everyone now feels is a mistake.  
I'd always assumed this was an executive decision, but in "Life With Groucho" 
Arthur Marx claims that Groucho was not eager to go through all the physical 
effort of shooting a big production number (particularly, one presumes, with 
Sam "twenty-takes-per-shot" Wood directing) and therefore, when the length of 
the film began to be a concern, was only to happy to drop the number.  This 
seems curious in light of later events; Groucho was reputed to love the 
song and sing it at the drop of a hat, at parties, live shows, etc.  
Fortunately, he recorded the song for Decca in the 1950's, and it's 
currently available on a couple of CD's, e.g. "Here's Groucho"  from MCA, 
and "Gratuitously Groucho" from Raven Records. 

Following are the lyrics, as personally transcribed by me from the 
above-mentioned CD, for your reading pleasure.  Enjoy! 

--Rob 

********************** 

CHORUS: 
So this is Dr. Hackenbush, the famous medico, 
You're welcome, Dr. Hackenbush... 

HACKENBUSH: 
If that's the case, I'll go 

CHORUS: 
Oh, no, you mustn't go... 

HACKENBUSH 
Who said I mustn't go? 
The only reason that I came is so that I can go. 

I'm Dr. Hackenbush, 
My medical standing's very high, 
Well, anyways, ladies and gentlemen, I 
am Dr. Hackenbush 

CHORUS 
He's Dr. Hackenbush... 

HACKENBUSH: 
I'm Dr. Hackenbush, 
As a matter of fact, to be exact, 
I'm Dr. Hackenbush! 

FEMALE SINGER (Judy?) 
I'm sure that they'd all like to hear, 
Some facts about your great career 

HACKENBUSH 
Although my horn I hate to blow, 
There's one thing that you ought to know: 

I'm Dr. Hackenbush 
Which all my friends will verify 
Well, anyways ladies and gentlemen, I 
am Dr. Hackenbush 

CHORUS: 
He's Dr. Hackenbush 

HACKENBUSH 
I'm Dr. Hackenbush, 
You never would guess, but nevertheless 
I'm Dr. Hackenbush! 

For ailments abdominal, my charges are nominal 
Though I'm great for I've a rate for tonsillectomy, 
Sick and healthy, poor and wealthy, come direct to me 
"Oh, God bless you!" they yell 
When I send them home well, 
But they never, no they never, send a check to me. 

I've won acclaim for curing ills, both in the north and south, 
You'll find my name just like my pills in everybody's mouth; 
I've never lost a case... 

CHORUS: 
He's never lost a case... 

HACKENBUSH: 
I've lost a lot of patients, but I've never lost a case! 

My diagnosis never fails, I know just what to do, 
Whenever anybody ails, I'm sympathetic too, 
My heart within me melts... 

CHORUS: 
His heart within him melts... 

HACKENBUSH: 
No matter what I treat 'em for, they die from something else. 

When your nerves start to rock, put your faith in your doc, 
When you're sick he will stick to the end, 
With the possible exception of your mother, 
A doctor's a man's best friend! 

CHORUS: 
Yes, a doctor's a man's best friend! 

HACKENBUSH: 
A doctor's a man's best friend, whoa-oh, 
A doctor's a man's best friend, 

HACKENBUSH & CHORUS: 
A doctor is a man's best friend! 

HACKENBUSH: 
Right or wrong, wrong or right, 
Night and day, day and night, 
On his call you can always depend; 
With the possible exception of your mother and your father 
And your uncles and your brothers and your nephews and your nieces 
And your sisters and your cousins, whom you number by the dozens... 

HACKENBUSH & CHORUS: 
A doctor's a man's best friend! 

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