| Well boys and girls, its time for another round of the summer games. That's right, time to go digging in your closet and dust off some of that old Canadian pride. While you're there you may also find some crappy McDonald's Happy Meal give away memorabilia you still have from Barcelona '92. What a year that was. I ate about 16 McNugget Happy Meals before getting the hat I wanted, but it was worth it, oh yes I managed to wear that hat twice before realizing the summer games were over and that the hat sucked and didn't really fit me. Oh to be 8 again. The Summer Olympics mean many things, few of which are good if you live in the Great White North. We don't have much to look forward to after Canada's disappointing performance in Sydney, a 16 th place tie with Poland. Yes, The Poland. *For more information about Poland, visit your local library. It mostly boils down to a history of the life of Allen Lukas (Lucas?) who may or may not be from Poland, you decide for yourself. Anyway back to Sydney we go, where we racked up a putrid 14 medals, 3 gold, 3 silver and 8 bronze, 2 of which came in the Trampoline, a new event that year, way to go Canada, you can bounce up and down with the best of 'em. I don't know about any of you (haha, any of you being the one person who actually reads this crappy article), but 14 medals simply aren't going to cut it for me, especially with only 3 gold's. I'm expecting a minimum 20 from Canada this go around, with 5 of them being gold and God willing none of them coming, from either gymnastics or synchronized swimming. I have no real knock on synchronized swimming, I think they're really good athletes, with unbelievable coordination, but the very idea of it is hilarious. Gymnastics on the other hand is a gold mine of comedic material I simply cannot let go untouched. Men's gymnastics is a bunch of 20 something year old guys who are jacked, swinging on rings and humping something known as a pommel horse while wearing tights which seems normal compared to the circus show that is Women's Gymnastics. Women's Gymnastics? I think you'd have to be more than a 14 to be considered a woman. These girls look like they're about 12 and have been fed crack since they were 6 to ensure they didn't grow to be more then about 4'7, 59 pounds. I think I could break most of these girls in half. It's almost painful to watch, these poor girls literally shaking with the fear of making a mistake, knowing a fraction of an inch either way and their career, their teams hopes could be TKO'd quicker than a less than Iron 38 year old Mike Tyson. Trying to perform inhuman stunts while they're coach who is always some Military general from one of those former Soviet colonies, is shrieking obscenities in some unknown language at her. Then they make some slight error on the dismount and have to make that stupid, "TA-DA" stance and slap a big ole smile on their glittered encrusted face before going off and collapsing as a nervous breakdown finally takes hold and wave upon wave of tears spew out, while Krgysisousunov, the coaches thickly accented wife continues to shriek at them. Almost reminds me of something out of my other favourite "sport" that sometimes appears on ESPN 8 "The Ocho" at 2 in the morning, The Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee. These kids, who are always pasty white (even the Indian and East Asian ones) (trying, but likely unsuccessfully, not to be racist), because they've never seen sunlight, having been home schooled they're entire life. Their parents sit anxiously waiting in the audience until little Timmy finally raises his weak little girl arms in triumph having correctly spelled autochthonous (yes, this was the real winning word from the '04 championships). Congratulations mom, you're the real winner here, way to make up for your own failings as a person by re-living your childhood vicariously through your kid. And don't worry about the whole home-schooling thing; child psychologists have been saying for years that children shouldn't interact with one another. Uh-huh. But I Digress. Back once again to the summer Olympics, we all know the summer Olympics suck compared to the winter games, but let's have a quick look at exactly why. First, and most importantly, there's no hockey, I don't know what more I can say, hockey is and always will be the best sport to watch, unless drunken Bocce Ball at Thomas' somehow makes it on TV. Second, the soccer licks, this under 23 crap has got to go, take a chapter from the hockey and basketball book and let the pros go at it. Third, the track events could be good, except that everyone knows the athletes are hopped up on so much 'roids you'd think you were watching a baseball game. Do something to clean up the rep of the sport cause right now it's dirtier then a night with Paris Hilton, which in 10 days, for only $49.95 plus shipping and handling I'll be able to tell you all about. But, not to worry, not all is lost; the summer games do have some redeeming qualities, if you know where to look. There are a few events; we all have our favourites, which have certainly provided memorable moments over the years. |
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