jobhell

Places I've Worked

I have had more than one man's share of shit jobs, including the shit job I currently have. Shit jobs are shitty. Here are some stories of my detest for places of work. Hopefully you will enjoy them. Jobs are stupid. You should quit. You do need money, but you also need to not take shit.

My first job was at Thriftway, bagging groceries. That fucking sucked. Those assholes would make me go get carts in the rain. That is bullshit man. I also got to clean up spills and bag groceries for the popular kids who came in and didn't have to have jobs because their parents were rich yuppies. Fuck you. Oh yeah, and the break room sucked, the walls were orange and yellow, the seats were hard and orange, and the microwave had more food crusted on it than an obese jackass who died from overeating. Fatty. Oh yeah the music they played over the speakers made me want to shoot myself.

I worked at TCBY Yogurt with my friend Scott Gravitt. We had to serve yogurt to people. I was always afraid I wouldn't put the right amount of toppings on some Yuppie's smoothie, and they would yell at me. They had this thing called a "Shiver", which was the same exact thing as a Dairy Queen "Blizzard". Those things were such a pain in the ass to make, and finally I realized that I could just tell the people who ordered them that the "Shiver" machine was broken. Then I wouldn't have to do anything. One time My friends and I brought a shopping bag and a back pack when I was closing by myself, and we filled them with pints of yogurt. It was "The Great Yogurt Heist" We stuffed my friend's freezer and lived like Kings of Yogurtville. Also, that same night, I was mopping the floor and fell down. TCBY sucks.

Where to begin? I worked at Little Caesers. The free pizza and crazy bread was good. Other than that this job was not rewarding. The manager was a raving bitch. One day I found out that Little Caesars gives managers bonuses based on the toppings quota they use in a week. Like, if they use under a certain amount of cheese in a week, they get a bonus. With this knowledge in hand, I started throwing buckets of cheese into the dumpster every day so she would never get her bonus. I soon found out it was fun to throw other things in the garbage. Pizza pans, cutters, tubs, buckets of various toppings, pizzas, anything really. I made pizzas just to throw away. Managers are stupid. One time a girl who wasn't even an assistant manager started bitching and I do mean bitching at me to mop the floors "right now". I was in the middle of folding boxes, so I told her I was busy. Then she started yelling at me. I told her to "shut the fuck up, you are not the manager, and if you want the floor mopped why don't you get your ass over here and do it yourself?" She didn't mop the floor. Neither did I, but she did tell the manager that I cussed her out and I got a warning. Dumb bitch. They also had football shaped pizzas. That is stupid. One time, I hooked my girlfriend's family up with pizzas that I overloaded with toppings, and they were like 3 inches high. Awesome.

I worked at BP. This job was incredibly boring. I got free fountain drinks. Nice. I also got to rotate the hot dogs on that grill thing, so they could sit there all day. They made me wear this bright yellow shirt on Tuesdays for their Gas Special. I got fired because I stopped coming to work.

Hollywood video was a decent job. Except I had to wear a tuxedo shirt and a Cummerbund and bowtie. I looked like an opera watching jackass. The manager's name was Max. He was cool. We traded porn. He went to bat for me when the company higher ups tried to fire me because I had long hair. So then those corporate douchebags fired him instead. Disrict managers are made out of monkey crap. I had to restock shelves with the popcorn buckets that are probably still there. Don't eat them.

This may be a long one. I was a busboy at Tumbleweed. That fucking sucked. I had to clean up after these people and their stupid kids who made messes that seemed impossible to create. I cleaned up guacamole, salsa, tortilla chips all kinds of bullshit. The manager there was Scott. He was a huge fatass. He would stand in front of the grill line where people fill trays to take food to the tables, and he would eat things off of people's plates before the waiter delivered the plate to the table. And he would eat off of different plates WITH THE SAME FORK. Damnit fatty, why do you think you're so fat? Hands off the porridge! He was a dickhead too. We always said he fucked the restaraunt Like literal sexual intercourse with the restaraunt. See the cactus in the logo up there? We would say he would spread his ass checks and lower himself onto the tip of the cactus. He was a loser. I found a new hobby while working there. There was a huge lake of sewage behind the restaraunt, and every day I would fill up a bus tub and throw the contents into the Sewage lake. I would throw beer mugs, silverware, plates, bowls, glasses, crayons, food, anything really, it depended how pissed off they made me. The madder they made me, the more shit went into the lake. I used to take the little crayon holding cactus from the tables, and throw them out onto the road. Tumbleweed sucks. I call it "Tumblefuck". I always went home smelling of mexican shit.

I worked in the produce department at Meijer. My friend and I would throw tomatoes at the walls of the cooler, and also, cherry tomatoes into the loudspeaker. That job sucked. We lit the inventory book on fire, and instead of actually taking inventory to see how much fruit to order, we would just make up numbers. Then the dumbass manager would order the fruit and we would have way too much fruit, and it would go bad. We had fun on the intercom, and we made fake signs to put out with the fruit. Our manager would get pissed. We put signs up on his "Produce Manager" plaque that said things like "Touched only one time" and "Ripe for Tonight" and "World's Biggest Fruit" He didn't enjoy that.

I worked at Kroger as a 3rd shift cashier. I basicly sat on the register eating Spaghettio's and reading magazines. Then the asshole stockmen decided I wasn't doing enough work so the manager made me help them stock dog food. Asshole!

I worked there for my first job after I had a broadcasting degree. This was a station for old people who are half dead and the other half drives in the slow lane in front of me. It was decent. Then I realized how shitty it was. There was only one other person in the news department besides me. He smoked so much I thought he was walking burnt lungs. The good thing about that is he coughed all over everything. Especially the keyboard. The keys were so black, I couldn't tell what letter was on them. They made me board op for this bullshit show called Plant Talk on Saturday mornings. So, I would just turn the volume down on the satellite feed for a minute or so, then turn it back up. I bet the old gardeners were going crazy. Normally I was in charge of the afternoon news. One of my favorite things to do was make noises into the mic over the soundbites as I played them so you couldn't understand what was being said in the sound bite. Stupid news. At the last minute, the other newsman had to go out of town and I had to cover his shift for a week. That sucked. So, I decided not to come in that weekend for Plant Talk and I decided not to record news briefs to air over the weekend. When I got back to work the next Monday, the station manager was not happy. He started yelling at me, and said "I think you should reconsider this career field.. blah blah blah manager talk", and I said "I think you should stop being such an asshole." When the other newsman got back to work the next day, I was fired. He made me turn in my pager. (I was supposed to be on call, hence the pager, but I always kept the pager buried under crap in my car so they couldn't get a hold of me.) Hey asshole, howabout you stick dead air up your gaping ass! Local news is for losers.

I worked for a temporary service right after that because I needed money. The found me a job doing "filing and office work" for Cintas. I figured I could put up with that shit for a little while so I showed up. When I got there, they told me I would be standing at the end of this conveyor belt and lifting crates off the belt, then stacking them up. ALL DAY. That really sucked. Look Cintas, I'm not some grubby ass loser who is satisfied lifting heavy shit all day. That sucked, I walked after the 3rd day. Then Cintas and Belcan were calling my house trying to find out why I didn't go to work for a week. UM... Because I was lifting heavy shit and doing a job even a retarded monkey with no dick wouldn't do. FUCK BOTH OF YOU.

Your uniforms suck

I worked at Suncoast. It wasn't that bad. Except when they made me run the vacuum.

I worked at Avon for 1 week. That's all it took for me to realize it was the portal straight to hell. I didn't even finish training. I got the fuck out of there faster than I've ever ran a mile in school.

I worked at a different BP. This time I was allowed fountain drinks, and Frozen Pepsis. WEEEEE. I just lisetened to the radio, and ate stuff for free, even though maybe it wasn't free. One night I didn't come in to work the late shift, so I guess they fired me. I don't really know. Who gives a fuck? I don't.

Walgreens is an economy sized hell hole. I worked in the photo lab. The best part of that was that I spilled chemicals on myself every fucking day. I also got to lift the heavy shit off the truck when we got deliveries. I guess that's because everyone else who worked there was an old lady. Damnit! They never made Ester unload the truck. Just because I am a man doesn't mean I'm strong. And why in the hell would I want to unload a fucking truck anyway? Hey Walgreens, eat some ghonorrea.

I worked at Lucent Technologies for a few months. I answered phones for people needing phone equipment. Normally, I got on the internet, and tried not to take calls. I was making $28,000 a year, for basically not doing much. The job itself was depressing. I called in sick on Reds opening day one time, and parked in the work parking garage to go to the Reds game. Work is stupid. I got fired from here because work told me I couldn't take off to go see KISS in Detroit. I did anyway, and I saw KISS in Detroit. When I got back, they brought me and my Union Representative in and explained to me that they were firing me, and they had all these forms all nice and filled out, and were ready for me to try to fight it, or make a statement of some kind. I just said "Ok well, I don't really care if you fire me. I think it's bullshit. But whatever." My union rep paniced and told me not to say that. It didn't matter I got fired. So fucking what. Hey Lucent Technologies, how do you like going out of business losers? Eat shit.

I worked at a second Kroger, and I was a cashier. I rode those motorized carts around after the store closed. I didn't have to stock any stupid ass dog food at this one.

Where in the hell to begin on this one.... I worked there for 2 years. The longest I ever stayed at one job. But that didn't mean I liked it. In fact, it was quite the opposite. I hated every second I was there. My manager was an obese mulleted white trash bitch who thought it was funny to talk about disgusting sexual things very loudly in her office within earshot of people who would prefer to never hear a woman of her stature speaking of such things. I probably could have sued for sexual harassment. I placed phone orders for jewelry stores ordering rings and whatnot to sell to the public. I never realized that jewe;ry store employees were such retarded dicks. They were so mean and whiny, and most were foreign probably from India or Iraq or one of those other pointless desert countries where nothing exists but oil and camels. All these foreigners would call and everyone of them owned one of those little kiosks in the mall and they were all called either "Intrigue Jewelers" or "Exquisite Jewelers". For some reason those foreigners latched onto those words. If I was to tell all the horrible shit that went on at this job, I would have to type until 2097. Suffice it to say, it was run by white trash, and all the white trash people that worked there hooked up, and got pregnant and produced more white trash. Just what the fucking world needs, more hillbillies. I was fired because I was 20 minutes late coming from a Dr.'s appt. I offered to produce a note, that bitch Veronica (the mgr.) would have no part of it. It seemed she had had enough of my constant hanging up on customers, and leaving my phone on mute so the customers would call in and hear nothing, and think the phone had cut them off. She was also not pleased by my computer monitor punchin, keyboard pounding and my habit of giving the middle finger to the telephone. Apparantly, she did not enjoy my tendency to rip pages from the catalog every time a customer annoyed me either. When she fired me, she asked me if I was going to "make a scene", and if so, she would have security escort me out. I said no. I went to my desk, packed up my stuff and sent out a company wide instant message that said the following : "Hey, I'm leaving. If we were cool, then good, I'll miss you, if not then fuck off, fuck you and fuck this place. Jen is a dumb bitch." And I walked out 2 middle fingers in the air. White trash people are stupid.

Here's a picture of me flipping of the Quality Gold catalog. I think I was supposed to turn that in when I was fired. OOPS. Now I'll just have to light it on fire.

After I was fired, I had to make $$. The only job I could find was at Kroger. AGAIN. This time, they were cool enough to start me out at $.40 lower than I made 2 years ago when I worked for Kroger. I still work there now. Why? I think it's because I like hearing old people bitch. (More on this job to come once I quit or get fired. It could go either way.)

This job paid $11.00/hr, the 2nd highest I have ever made. But it sucked. It was for AT&T corporate Calling Cards. Once I found that out, I knew my days were numbered. I can't stand big corporations or corporate type people, and the last thing I want to do is help them in any way. So, I made a goal of keeping the job and the easy money for the 4 weeks of training, and then getting the hell out. That was a tough goal to achieve, but I was successful. I had to struggle to stay awake during 8 hrs of classroom training a day, and then we listened while other people took calls, and I really had a hard time there. They wanted me to talk and try to do the actual job, well I wanted no part of that. I had to make up excuses everyday as to why I could not take calls. I was the only one in my training class that never took any calls in 4 weeks. Then I quit. That's how you do it my friend.

I worked at Facs. It is Hellhole #1, and currently is the location of the hellmouth leading straight into the bowels of hellfire and eternal damnantion known as hell! :) I work in internet customer service. I take calls for macys.com and bloomingdales.com, and take calls for the bridal registry. This job has shown me one thing...... NY, NJ, MA, CT is full of nothing but cocky assholish self centered pieces of shit. Especially New York. They are the most rude condescending egotistical jerks ever created by God's hands. If NY fell into the ocean, I would throw a party. Not just like a party with some streamers, I'm talking an "I just won the lottery and the world series and it's my birthday and my brother's birthday and everyone else I know's birthday, and let's party like the fucking world's ending!!" kind of party. If I was a superhero, and I lived in NY, I would quit being a superhero. What's the point of saving people's lives, if the person whose life you just saved is a total dick. Why not just let them get mugged?? Maybe it will teach them a lesson. All the callers do all day is call in and complain and piss and moan like they have such a hard life. These fuckers who call there, pay like $400.00 for sheets, and get pissed when it takes a week to arrive, or complain that they have to pay shipping fees. HEY BITCH, WE'RE SENDING IT RIGHT TO YOUR FUCKING DOOR, HOW MUCH LAZIER CAN YOU FUCKING BE? FUCK YOU!!!! And who in the hell would pay $400.00 for sheets? Hey New Yorkers, you think you're so fucking cultured and you're better than everyone else? NEWSFLASH!!! You're wrong, everyone else thinks you suck, and your accent is not cultured or cute. It's grating. It is one of the worst sounds ever to pass through a human ear. So shut the fuck up. FUCK New York. Oh yeah, and fuck Facs too. I had to resign because I called off more than they liked.

WORK SUCKS

Here's the letter I wrote to Quality Gold and included in my "Exit Interview".

To Whom it May Concern,

I believe that your "New Attendance Policy" which was why I was fired is a complete joke. I am aware at Quality Gold people still come and go as they please. They call off of work, they come in late. I know for a fact that this occurs, yet no one else has been fired for this unlike myself. Is it because they all had Dr.'s notes? No, it is simply because your policy is a joke, and Veronica herself is a joke. One day she enforces the rules, the next day she doesn't. That is not fair procedure. That is bad management.

A good manager doesn't bring down morale. A good manager would hire people who either aren't related to them, or aren't old friends of theirs. But, since Quality Gold doesn't have a good manager, I suppose that none of the above applies.

Either way, by continuing to act in the manner you presently do, you will drive employee morale to even lower depths than it is now, and you will find yourself without quality employees. With no worthwhile employees, you will find yourself out of a job. Besides, without employees, who will you be able to yell at or talk down to? Who will you be able to repremand for small offenses in order to make yourself feel like you have done a good job? Sooner or later, you will run out of underlings to manage. When and if that happens, you will be forced to deal with reality. You will be faced with the reality that you don't actually matter. You might think you do, but you don't. In the grand scheme of things, you mean nothing. Sorry to have to be the bearer of bad news, but a "Customer Service Manager" isn't worth a whole hell of a lot when it comes down to it.

You might be sitting there thinking this isn't true. Well, you would be wrong. I'm afraid those feelings are just delusions of grandure. You think you are important, but you're not. That's just how it is. If someone was told they would never be able to talk to you again, I'm sure we would have a hard time finding someone who actually gave a damn.

So, enjoy your meaningless job, and your meaningless life for that matter, and feel free to go back to yelling at your employees. I'm sure this has made you angry, so go take your anger out on your employees. That is how you have handled it in the past, so why change?

In closing, QGC is a joke, Veronica is a joke, Jen is a joke, Jonathan is a joke, and your policies are a joke. Keep pretending like you are a good manager. Tear up this note and pretend like you never read it. After all, you are a "Customer Service Manager", so you must know more than me right? You should treat your employees with respect and stop acting like QGC is a white-trash run, unintelligent place of business.

Or don't. I don't care.

Sincerely,
Mike Flasch

Here's a copy of the management's response to my "offensive message".

Veronica wrote:
>As you see Mike is no longer employed here. Sorry for his offensive gold chat. My apologies to all of you. Any issues see me. Thanks. V., Chris, & Jen
>Michael Flasch wrote:
>>hey I'm leaving, if you and I were cool, then good if not, fuck off and fuck
>>this place. Jen h. grabbed my nutsac.

More Quality Gold fun:

Here's an instant message or, "Gold Chat" I sent to everyone, after some dumbass customer tried to order somthing out of a catalog that was over 3 years old. Also included is the response from a brilliant member of management. Customers are stupid.

Michael Flasch wrote:
Sorry to disturb everyone. Some items from the 1997 catalog might be discontinued. I'm sure this comes as a shock to everyone, as our customers seem shocked by this. When I normally order things I break out the company's 6 year old catalog to find what I want. I'm gonna be placing an order from the Toys R Us 1986 Christmas toy catalog here in a minute, if anyone wants to get in on the action. Cabbage Patch Kids are on sale!!!!!!

Chris Andrews wrote:
As busy as we are, how did you possibly have time to send this???

Michael Flasch wrote:
I'm sorry, I can multi task, isn't that what we are supposed to be able to do? As busy as we are, how do you have time to monitor every action I take here at work? Besides, our customers are never ready when they call, so I normally have about 30 sec of free time while I sit on hold for each call. See I'm typing this now while I sit on hold. WOW magic

Chris Andrews wrote:
I do not appreciate your constant sarcasm nor do I appreciate your sending it to the entire group. If it's not useful work related information, keep it to yourself.