Greetings, young Americans–it’s your "prez" here, George Dubya Bush. You may not have seen too much of me lately–I guess you could say I’ve been out on a rockin’ "Smash Up the New Deal" cross-country tour. That's something you kids like to do, right? Break things?
Anyway, though it may appear I’ve neglected your generation to stump my second-term agenda to your elders–that I’ve left those of you in academia behind, so to speak–that is simply untrue.
I understand how important it is to do well in school, so you can perhaps have a shot at drawing a high enough salary to survive in the culture of ownership I hope to enshrine for you as my legacy, and I want to help. I’ve learned a lot doing the hard work of being president, and I’d like to share my knowledge.
That's why I put together this handy pamphlet, available at your local campus armed forces recruiting office, titled "If You Can't Do, Teach: President Bush's Top Tips for Academic Success." And just in time for midterms, here’s a preview:
One tip reads, "Learn how to say no to those trying to distract you from your studies." See, now that’s good advice, and with a little practice, it’s easy! I know when I’ve got things to do and some aide says, "Hey, Mister President, I really think you should read this ‘Suicide Squid Determined to Attack U.S. Coasts’ memo," I can stay focused, stand my ground and tell ‘im to screw, I'm busy buyin' fightin' robots! Heh.
"Set goals, but keep them realistic." Basically, your only goals should be completely lowering expectations, including your own, to the point where nobody can even define what your "success" or "failure" would look like–it's worked for me in everything from the debates to spinning the Iraqi elections, it can work for you, too.
Let’s see, "Try not to listen to classmates’ pre-exam chatter, it will only make you nervous." That’s another good one–listening to other people, especially before something big like a test or a war, only leads to trouble, self-doubt and holes in the perceptual bubble of positivity you’ve worked so hard to construct for yourself. Better to just avoid the riffraff altogether.
Oh, here’s a simple one: "Dress for comfort." You know, like Dick Cheney did a few weeks back when he showed up at that ceremony commemorating the liberation of Auschwitz wearing a parka, rubber boots and a logo hat. So what if some hoity-toity Washington Post fashion writer said he looked more like he was heading out to fire up a snowblower than pay respects to death camp victims with other world leaders? At least he was comfy-cozy.
All right, one more–this is one of my favorites: "If you’re unsure how to answer a question, don’t panic." Write something like, "Thank you for that question, Mr. or Ms. professor, I’ll address it in a moment. But first, I’d like to write a bit about the brave work our men and women in uniform are doing to defend freedom." Before you know it, time will be up and you’ll have an essay even the most liberal educator can’t mark down without looking like a dirty traitor to democracy.
But if one does, just fill in his or her name on the handy card at the back of my pamphlet, tear it off and drop it in the mail, postage paid.
Don't say I never did nothin’ for you kids. *wink*
Holly Noe’s column runs each Friday. Chatter away at [email protected].