"But before you give in to the futility of it all and decide to
head for the nearest marsh, take a moment to search out some tidbits
of positivity."
Next, if you ever see me in person, ask me to do the Katherine Hepburn
"Why, hello, Mr. Squirrelly Squirrel!" thing–print does not begin to
do justice to the intensity with which it rules. Assuming of course you're
easily amused.
However, one semi-anonymous reader of the Daily Cardinal E-mail Edition
was apparently quite upset by the lighthearted notion that I talk to
squirrels, as they felt compelled to post this oh-so-witty morsel in
response for all to enjoy:
"OK, I am sorry, but talking to squirrels and brightening
your day by adorning different shoes after telling me that springitme
makes you feel just as depressed as a long cold winter warrants a ticket
straight to the looney bin. Do not stop. Do not pass "GO". Just
head straight for the hospital bed with the restraints attached so
you won't hurt yourself when the electroshock therapy is undertaken
in an effort to help cure you of whatever the hell disease has taken up
residence in you deranged head."
Pretty venomous, especially considering this poster is a humorless, malapropism-using,
seemingly rather disgruntled zoology teaching assistant, as discovered
thanks to a screen name as unimaginative as that "do not pass GO" line.
But seriously, don't mess with the squirrels, man–I have a friend who's
training an army to take over the world, and when they do, you, good
sir, will not be spared unless you can talk them down. Just look at her
first protégé, Mr. Peepers–he's so positively vicious, he
draws blood from the elderly...
And as you'll see in the Italicized-End-Bit® of the next week's column, it's not wise to mess with
columnists in quasi-anonymous public settings either, for we always
get our revenge...
