Just when this seasoned Internet-surfer thought she'd seen it all, along came lastminutesermon.com, an actual site designed to supply time-strapped vicars with suitable speeches to deliver to their flocks, for an undisclosed fee.
Amusing in and of itself, yes, but I found myself most intrigued by the second stated purpose of the site–to provide clerics with "something different to say" about recurring religious holidays and themes. What this means, apparently, is that the old ho-hum tales of resurrections and other assorted acts of divinity simply aren't exciting enough to hold the interests of today's faithful.
This notion set the gears of gallows humor turning, and I came to a realization that there is another common oration that could greatly benefit from a service such as this. I speak, of course, of the eulogy.
How many times have you found your busy schedule interrupted by the unexpected death of a distant relative? Have you ever wound up saddled with eulogy-duty to boot? Did you long to put a more realistic spin on the old clichés but just couldn't see how? Well, help is here, in the form of my new Web site, lastminuteeulogy.com.
Allow me to present a sample:
"News of Uncle Ed's passing came as a shock to us all, for at the time, most of us didn't realize he was still alive. Alas, what can one say about a man like dear Uncle Ed that does him justice and remains appropriate for the funeral setting?
"Foremost, Uncle Ed was a true patriot, dedicated to the ideals of liberty and camaraderie. He remained politically active until the end through frequent rounds of drinking at the local VFW and muttering demeaning epithets at the anchors on CNN.
"He was an avid outdoorsman, most content with passing a tranquil summer afternoon communing with nature. Who here can deny the sheer joy the simple act of sitting on his back porch popping off squirrels with his pellet gun brought to him?
"Uncle Ed's untiring curiosity for the world around him and all the experiences it had to offer would not be dissuaded by advancing age nor declining health. The resulting repertoire of restraining orders and lawsuits fostered in him a love of travel and an appreciation for those things money cannot buy.
"Yes, it is with great sorrow and yet great joy that we recall the life of this man who has touched us all on at least one occasion (good old Uncle Ed never did latch on to the concept of "personal space") and tactfully decline to voice what we're all really thinking until we get out to the parking lot."
Now THAT would be some high class funerary entertainment. However, if the grieving public doesn't share my sentiments, I can always scrap that and launch lastminutestateoftheunionaddress.com, the one-click stop for the overburdened commander in chief who yearns for fresh ways to downplay the nation's woes. Yes, sir, no longer will you have to admit to your voting public "unemployment levels are at record highs"–wouldn't you rather report "Americans are enjoying an unprecedented new era of freedom?"
Holly Noe's column runs each Friday. She can be reached at [email protected], unless her address is commandeered by the Department of Homeland Security for that last remark.