As is apparent to those of us who read far, far too many articles on politics during time we could devote to more productive, less aggravating pursuits, those silly Republicans have been floating all sorts of snappy new signature buzzwords as of late.
Of them, my personal favorite has to be "security moms"–soccer moms who are being converted to the way "W" because they think he’s the candidate who can best keep their precious spawns safe from terrorists, whose repertoire of evildoing apparently now includes hunting suburban children for sport.
This term would be merely a mildly amusing, innocuous little pearl of rhetoric if it weren’t having an impact: These "security moms" are actually being credited as the source of Dubya’s rising poll numbers among (presumably otherwise sane) women.
With such a knack for decoding the American family dynamic acutely enough to exploit it for partisan gain, and with the election a mere six weeks hence, one would think the Republicans would have capitalized on it by now.
Just in case they’re in need of some inspiration from one of us cursed liberals, I propose that the GOP publish a double-duty voter-recruitment manifesto/self-help manual on improving relationships from the "right" angle.
Here’s what an excerpt might look like from the chapter titled "Dependents No More: Giving the Gift of Autonomy to Children and Pets":
"The traditional conception of caring for children, pets, even houseplants buys into all those pessimistic Democratic ideas of rewarding those who choose not to make something of their lives, thereby encouraging them to remain reliant on handouts. Bypass this trap and foster a society of ownership in your home–it’s easier than you might think.
"For instance, if you stop purchasing food for your pets, you’ll instantly grant them the liberty of owning their own sustenance. As long as you allow them the opportunity to have access to food, through measures such as tax-free food savings plans, you need not actually feed them. This will give them a chance to grow and flourish as empowered agents, while freeing up your budget to go on vacations, attack sovereign nations on blurred intelligence, whatever your fancy–everyone will be improved by it!
"In the next section, you’ll see how the same principles apply to the raising of strong, scrupulous children. For though the unborn may have fundamental individual rights to life, once they’re out of the womb, free rides won’t do them any favors either."
And of course, the Republicans can’t let the lefties have all the fun with their little "DemDates" matchmaking Web site–that’s where the chapter titled, "Hey, Baby, Our Symbol isn’t the Elephant for Nothing: Bagging Babes the GOP Way" and its helpful array of conservative icebreakers comes in.
If you can find one, just watch any self-respecting Republican woman try and resist, "Hey there, wanna join my purchasing pool?", "You can’t spell ‘culture of life’ without ‘U’ and ‘I!’" or "Oh, I’ll flush out YOUR insurgent enclave!"
Now that’s hot. Perhaps the College Republicans’ recruiters out on Library Mall the other morning were on to something–how could it not be "the best party on campus" with pick-up line potential like that?
Holly Noe’s column runs each Friday. Enter an opportunity zone–write to her at [email protected].