An abundance of political conspiracy theories can usually be found floating about in this country, especially during an election year, but here's a new one for you: Could there be a secret Bush cabinet garage band in the works?
First, in February 2002, Attorney General John Ashcroft broke into his God-awful, self-composed song, "Let the Eagle Soar," in front of the press corps.
Then, this summer, Colin Powell and several other State Department officials carried on a bizarre tradition and concluded an Asian security meeting by donning the appropriate costumes and performing the Village People's "YMCA." (Powell was the construction worker.)
Now, President Bush is kicking off campaign rallies with a video montage of his presidency set to "Takin' Care of Business" to help him connect to those crazy kids with their M-T-V.
Plainly, there is some manner of dynamic, probably rather disturbing crescendo on the horizon. But though I'm sure '43 and the Boys (and Token High-Ranking Minority Woman) could rock it good and rock it hard ("They shock AND awe, man!"), I'm thinking if there are any melodic gambols afoot, it's a safe bet they will manifest instead through the medium of musical theatre...
Coming this election season to a stage near you, it's "The Bush Administration: The Musical!"
To set the scene, John Ashcroft and the Patriot Act Players present their version of Civil War battle hymn "When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again," updated for the post-Sept. 11 world:
"When Johnny comes knockin' at your door, hurrah, hurrah / Hand over your freedoms, we're at war, hurrah, hurrah / He'll open your mail, he'll tap your phone / He'll need to know if you sleep alone / He's on a crusade for / Homeland Security."
Next, honorary Republican Ralph Nader extols the joys of shameless campaign finance in his jolly little ditty, "An Elephant Built for Two."
But it can't be all fun and frivolity in Bushland. Sometimes, cronies speak for themselves. Watch as the tension mounts when Vice President Dick Cheney's ambivalent remarks concerning a constitutional ban on gay marriage come back to haunt him during heart attack No. 5, set to Gloria Gaynor's disco anthem "I Will Survive":
"I felt a shooting pain / Right square in the chest / And thought 'Oh f---, another spat of cardiac arrest.'
"I'm sorry for my comments, George / Never mind my daughter's gay / Amend away / Just toss those paddles my way!"
And nary a dry eye will be found in the house after Jeb Bush belts out his ode to brotherhood and hanging chads, "Don't Cry for Me, Palm Beach County."
Of course, with so much high drama going on in official channels, President Bush can't be expected to hang around long. In no time flat he's back in Crawford, Texas, greeting the morning with his stirring rendition of cowboy classic "Home on the Range":
"Home, home on the ranch / Where I don't have to get nothin' done / I can go for a hike / And fall off my bike / And raise terror alerts just for fun!
"Home, home on the ranch / Where the country's problems I don't sweat / Reporters can't find me / So they can't remind me / We ain't found no Dubya-M-D's yet!"
Holly Noe is a self-professed Ashcroft-groupie. Her column runs each Friday in The Daily Cardinal. Write to her at [email protected].