Before you kick your self-delusion into gear and head to the polls this upcoming Election Day convinced your vote can affect some good, here are some tips to keep in mind:
Don’t let your vote be determined by superficial factors like a candidate’s appearance, speaking style or charisma. Vote based on their empty promises instead.
Think of the greater good–don’t vote for a candidate because of what you could personally gain if he or she is elected. (This tip brought to you by the rich, old white guys in power who very much want to stay there.)
If terrorists try to disrupt the election by making it unsafe to venture to the polls, the results will still be valid and indicative of a thriving democracy. It’s good enough for the people of Afghanistan and Iraq–claiming it’s not good enough for us would demean their bravery and send them mixed messages.
If someone with an opposing political view tries to deter you from voting by arguing your ballots will cancel each other out, duct tape and poison darts should buy you plenty of time until the polls close.
To register at the polls, you’ll need proof of residence and a valid ID. Memorize all the relevant information on the ID, for if you’re caught in a lie, your ID will be confiscated and you won’t be able to get high on civic duty with the rest of the cool kids.
As you know and Republican senate challenger Tim Michels understands, gas prices are high. Don’t let that keep you from the polls–go out and vote as soon as "the wife" gets back with the groceries.
Though there are wonderful volunteers out there to assist you with every facet of the voting process, pause a moment before accepting a ride from a van full of strangers offering to "shuttle you to the nearest polling place."
Don’t get discouraged if you find long lines to vote once you arrive–the terrorists want you to get fed up and leave, especially if you’re there to vote for freedom and the Bush-Cheney ticket.
Know your rights: Requiring voters to pass literacy tests or public affairs quizzes to receive ballots is illegal. So, presumably, is requiring them to pass sobriety tests.
Once at your voting booth, pay attention to any posted signs, then leave a few of your own when you’re done marking up your ballot. A simple "Hi, Mr. Ashcroft!" will surely make his busy day and break up the monotony of spying and making note of who doesn’t vote for Bush.
If you make a mistake on your ballot, panic. In fact, you may as well just kill yourself on the spot, as you've just gone and ruined it all.
To ensure your vote is counted if you're casting an electronic ballot, demand a paper record. Because those are only occasionally destroyed in conveniently-timed warehouse fires.
Give the election night coverage some suspense before FOX news announces it went to Bush and the others follow suit: If you’re asked to participate in an exit poll, report you wrote in a vote for your favorite Muppet.
If you indeed think your vote doesn’t matter, cast it anyway, if for no other reason than because it’s free. In any other context, committing an act with the potential to do so much lasting harm to so many has some serious monetary repercussions.
Holly Noe’s column runs each Friday. Write in at [email protected] .