With John Ashcroft’s recent announcement of his impending resignation from the office of attorney general, a light has gone out in the life of every freedom-loving American. And for those of us sick of squinting into the glaring wrongness of it all, I say, "About damn time."
True, though Johnny Boy and I have had a rather ardent, if a trifle one-sided affair these past four years, I’m more than ready to move on–though contempt is not especially conducive to combustion, rest assured a figurative facsimile of a trash can full of sentimental mementos is flaming away as I write.
If you haven’t read the text of Ashcroft's resignation letter to President Bush, and if you have a markedly mettled stomach for subterfuge, I highly recommend you track it down online, for it is the single most disquietingly delusional parcel of prose to come out of the notoriously beguiling Bush administration in recent memory.
In it, Ashcroft asserts that during and thanks to his tenure, America has not only contrary to all good intuition seen a decline in mind-altering drug use, but restored its corporate trust and integrity worldwide and–though this is news to me and presumably all of us living under ongoing orange alert–successfully secured the country against both crime and terrorism.
Oh yes, and the letter wraps up with this little gem: "It would be my pleasure to structure the announcement of this resignation and the ensuing transition in conjunction with you so that your administration and the cause of justice are served optimally."–note which is listed first.
Yes, as if it weren’t already quite plain to ascertain, Ashcroft is off his nut, profoundly divorced from the reality a plurality of us perceive. Resignation may be his soundest decision to date, but old habits die hard. Here’s how Ashcroft’s letter should have been scribed:
Dear Mr. President,
Since Sept. 11 , which I faithfully neglect to mention occurred under our watch, it has been my honor to serve as your attorney general and keep this blessed, Christian nation safe.
During my term, I’ve shielded America’s innocent eyes from the bare bosoms of bronze statuary, serenaded colleagues and reporters with impromptu inspirational song and done all I could to keep the people, citizens and non-citizens alike, from suffering needlessly under the burden of choice that comes with rights and civil liberties during the wartime of your engineering.
Most importantly, I have done my part to mobilize the religious right to deliver you electoral victory. Having fulfilled my duty to you, to Mr. Cheney and Mr. Rove, to your base, to God, and I suppose to some stretched definition of "justice" and perhaps even a few American people, the time has come for me to defer to a fresh, more politically advantageous successor.
Thank you for your principled leadership, and may God continue to bless you.
Sincerely, John Ashcroft
p.s. No hard feelings for keeping me out of view during the campaign–I know those heathen swing voters spook easy!
Well, there you have it–(hopefully) the final bit of Ashcroftian lampoonery to furbish this column. It’s been real, Johnny Boy, it’s been real. And "Let the Eagle Soar" will always be our song.
Holly Noe's column runs each Friday. Stick it to the Ashcroft God Squad one last time–write to her at [email protected].