THE PAGES (some with writing on them) IN THE BOOK OF XARM
DA` BEGINNING
In da beginning i was made, partially from a hair
from GOD's left armpit, and the rest from a funny little purple mushroom
that Adam found (please note that this is before he took the apple, since
the snake couldn't exactly talk to him, but after he ate the mushroom,
whew!).
Anyway, i will follow in the footsteps of my elder
brethren, for lack of a better term, and hereby establish my condiments
to my people. i don't as yet have any people, but, well, forget that for
now, ONTO THE CONDIMENTS, after all, i don't need to order around people
i don't have, but i'll eventually have to feed them.
DA` 14 and a half CONDIMENTS
1. Yous should not eat little purple mushrooms that
grow in cow dropingses, i don't care what the voices in yer heads say don't
eat the damn mushrooms.
2. Mustard.
3. Yous shallt use de HOLY MULTICOLORED (though mostly
purple) DUCT TAPE IN ALL THINGEES THAT NEEDS TAH BE FIXED.
Faar. Wear da leash that your dog says he doesn't want
to wear.
5. Do not neglect your other personalities, they might
get jealous and revolt, and dat would not be a good ting.
6. I have to sneeze.
7. Give me a minute, I'll come up with someting.
8. Don't mess wit da feet, or they might revolt and
then how the hell would you get around?
10. Nine is a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad number, ignore
it.
9. Okay, so it's not a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad
number, but hey it was funny.
11. Revere the basement, it's where i came from (yes
this is after the armpit hair thing!).
12. Get help.
13. Tell your other personalities to get help too.
14. Revere sick puppies.
1/2. Get in the first shot, BOOT TO THE HEAD.
Da` Follower People's Guide Book to the Pages of Xarm that actually can be guided through.
Rule number one: Wear purple robes,
and ignore the people who laugh at you, they will burn eternally in the
pilot light to Hell. No they won't get hell it self, that's already
been patented, and i really don't want to get into a legal battle with
the guy who has all the lawyers already.
Guideline number three: Not everyone thinks
that the middle finger salute is a blessing from mE, therefore only do
it to people who really need mY blessing.
Lawyer joke number one: Too stupid to repeat,
sorry.
Rule number 16 ( if you missed the last fifteen
go back and reread for them, they're there, really, i wouldn't lie, well
okay maybe i would, but forget about that.): Don't practice those
silly little traditions like celibacy, baptism, and sleep walking, but
in case of nuclear warfare put your head between your legs and kiss your
ass good-bye.
Guideline number one: Time passes, so does
gas. Any questions?
Limerick: There once was a man from Cape
Horn,
Who wished he'd never been born.
And he wouldn't have been, if his father had seen, that the end of his
rubber was torn.
Guideline number seven: Don't park catywompus
in a driveway that must be used by more people than you. Unless,
of course, you don't like this person, or you have no care about your car
being towed.
Wisdom of xArm: Say "excuse me," then belch.
Guideline number five: Don't walk up to
someone three times larger than you, who is armed to the teeth, and say
"I bless you, my son." Then promptly flick them off. Do this
only when standing on a large building, where none of the blessee's weapons
can hit you.
Rule number 15 to 3,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000:
If you listen to, "sing", or have listened to (without running up and down
your street naked screaming "I repent! I repent!") rap, you will
be banished and forced to wear puke orange plaid bellbottoms in the second
purple padded room down from mINE. Then you will be punished (we
will beat you with
the dry end of an endless wet noodle).
Guideline number two: Yous shount kill
(small or large stupid or intelligent dumb aminals) or yous should have
da smartz to hide da body(ses) sos yous don't get caught. No, i can't
afford bail.
Wizdumb of XArMb: Remember to stop and smell
the POPPIES...POPPIES...POPPIES...POPPIES...POPPIES
Little known traffic laws of xArm:
No coppie, no stoppie. (Please note that this rule is only for stop signs,
and where no other vehicle is already occupying the space that you would
cross through.)
Guideline number 3.14: [putting this
on monologue will enhance understanding of this] Do not speak in the
monotone voice. It is not a good thing. It is funny, but other
people become slightly perturbed if you keep it up.
Now, Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobo's and Tramps, Cross-eyed Mosquitos and Bowlegged Ants. I stand before you, to follow behind you, to tell you something i know nothing about.
On now to those silly people's of mine. [Only a few are to be listed here, briefly, if a more in depth knowledge is sought- yeah right- see MONSTROUS COMPENDIUM INDEX II: Xarm's Viewpoint.]
#1. Dragassus - one horse/pegasus/dragon type
thing that is really quite cute in a strange sort of way (kinda like Curly
off of the Three Stooges). It has a pegasus's body (ohh lala), a
dragons head and intelligence (breathes fire with a mean stare), but the
personality of a slow witted horse (duhhhh, E=mc(2)). Used a long
long time ago by mY two paladins, hence they are immune to mY power word
"ug" ("ug" will later be explained). They hide often in mountainous
areas, or was it the plains?
They occasionally get bored though and so join "worthy"
causes, or whatever provides the most food. They stand approximately
36 hands high at the withers, or 12 feet tall. The body is built proportionally,
as in it won't tip over because it has an average-sized dragon head.
So far to mY knowledge there are only two and a half in existence.
#2. The Paladins of mE: There are only
two paladins of, mE, due to their special power that i grant them upon
ascension to this rank. Power word "Ug." This word causes the listener
to experience a great pain in their neck, as though they were being pummeled
with a wet noodle.
There is one drawback to this power, however, that could
not be circumvented, unfortunately. The speaker of "Ug," after
extended use, will begin to devolve, thinking "Hmm, speaking caveman words,
hmmm, must be caveman." Therefore, the paladin will eventually regress
himself into a grunting caveman who's only word is "Ug."
I tink that's it, for now, if i come up with something else later i'll be sure to put it in somewhere.
Rule following the one with the 3 and a lot of
zeros: When you see the symbol below, in the correct coloring, then
you have found one of mY temples.
[NOTE: In case of a mix up of symbols, or if
you are colorblind, look for a building shaped like a pyramid supporting
another one on top of it that has been turned upside down.]
(Further note: Until such time as someone scans
a picture, above may be disregarded.)
Now, Xarmites, we go into a slightly serious section of these pages [small children should leave the room, due to the lack of a better excuse to get rid of them]...
XARM'S LIST OF THINGS NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH, MESSED, IGNORED, OR OTHERWISE CHANGED.
1. Cookie recipes that make good cookies.
2. My logo.
3. Decks of Many Things
4. Fish heads.
5. The radio station in the car (unless of course
you are the driver, or have been ordered by the driver, in that case you
may).
6. Something that's not broken (that would be
as soon as you try to fix it).
7. Good Music (i.e. The Existential Blues, Tai
Kwon Leeeep, Sailing the Seas of Cheese).
8. Bad music that does not need any more attention,
just let it rot in pieces.
The Index to the Average Deck of Many Things. Or: Decks of Many Things for Dummies
The Suit of Hearts: Thou Shallt not Kill
2: You have gained an extra heart, please
roll a 6 or better on d12 to not be poisoned by it.
3: You cannot directly cause the demise of any
living thing. Yes, bleeding to death counts.
4-10: Anatomical changes, DM discretion, starting
with limbs [4 & 5] to more important areas.
Jack: You are a healer, minor cleric, of neutral
good to lawful good beings. You automatically know alignment.
Queen: You are a healer of the dead, minor necromancy,
you banish ghosts, undead, etc...
King: Your sight is enhanced, you see where illness
resides, and how to cure it.
Ace: Your gender switches, permanently, to the
opposite of what it is now (asexual beings must choose a gender.)
The Suit of Clubs: Thou Shallt Die
2: Your arm and leg, of the same side of
your body, are dead (d4 roll decides side).
3: You are an Undead, roll d12: 1-3 Zombie, 4-7
Wight, 8-10 Wraith, 11 Vampire, 12 Lich.
4: A large hole opens up beneath your feet, roll
d12: 1-4 lose a limb, 5 torso*, 6 head/throat*, 7 castration/lower torso+,
8-12 no injury. Hole disappears after effect. *Instant death, no
saving throw. +Roll d20 plus d10 for total damage.
5: Your left foot has gangrene.
6: Your heart has exploded.
7: You have the ability to summon/create undead,
of your level or below, each time you do, you lose d20 hit points, if you
die from this you become a Wight under the control of the last undead you
summoned/created.
8-10: Eight to ten demons (barbed) surround you.
You have the first attack. They have 27 hp.
Jack: You are dead, and your soul has been cast
into the ninth plane of hell.
Queen: No undead may harm, touch, or sense you,
unless they are of twice your level in hp or better.
King: You are now under the employ of a Lich
Lord.
Ace: Your soul is permanently bound to your body,
neither will ever be free of the other.
The Suit of Diamonds: Thy Weakness is Intolerable
2: Your flesh, blood, and organs are poison
to any who ingest them, without exception.
3: Your flesh is unoxidizable steel, as that
of a golem.
4: Roll d10, even roll = your substantial form
(body) is destroyed, odd roll = you are a psionic; master level.
5: You are immune to bladed weapons. Only
Demons, Demigods, Avatars, and Gods/Devils can surpass this rule.
6: You must draw three more cards from this deck,
and choose a target for each before you look at them.
7: Your weapons have been imbued with an intelligence
of their own. Their level of intelligence and experience are equal
to the highest party member's. They will train you.
8: The weapon that is closest to your dominant
hand is now bonded with it, they are one and the same.
9: You are immune to necromantic or daemonic
arts.
10: Your body is as a human berserker's (allowing
for gender) you are Schwarzenegger.
Jack: Your aim is infallible.
Queen: Your allure to the opposite sex is infallible
(subject may make a successful dexterity roll to avoid this effect for
one day).
King: Your nerve endings are all cauterized,
you feel no pain.
Ace: You have become an elemental of steel.
The Suit of Spades: Chaos; Father of All and Nothing
2: You are immortal for the next thirty days,
at the end of which all injury you have meted out will be meted out
on you.
3: You are a seer, but your eyes are permanently
blind.
4: The dead are attracted to you like flies to
honey.
5: You can see all elementals, spirits, shadows,
and other inhabitants of the Aether, but are invisible to them. This
effect is
reversed if they take a physical form.
6: Negate everything that has occurred due to
a deck of many things over the last seven days.
7: You do not, have ever, nor will ever exist.
There are no memories, actions, nor results of your life. Burn your
character sheet.
8: You have a dire fear of fly swatters.
9: Your mind now houses three more personalities:
Mishcall-is a 5th level druid. Scler-thinks he is dead. Aeardormagondrigal
III-hates being called a shortened version of her name, and is a 12th level
cleric of Paladine.
10: Your body is now incorporeal. Only
spells of level four or higher may touch you, and you may interact only
as a shadow.
Jack: One half of your body is now the opposite
gender of the original whole.
Queen: Your arms and legs have switched places
(or so you believe, they actually have not, but it will take a successful
series of seven remove curse castings to restore your mind).
King: You feel an overwhelming urge, every time
you speak, to curse after every complete thought.
Ace: Every time you curse, instead of the chosen
oath out of your mouth will come "OOOPS" at which time something highly
improbable will occur. DM discretion as to what happens.
All right Chickadees, now we have to lay down a few
guidelines for you. The following is a test, scoring will follow (sometime),
if you fail i will laugh at you.
a.) IS IT LEGAL IN YOUR STATE FOR A MAN TO MARRY HIS
WIDOW'S SISTER?
b.) HOW MUCH DIRT CAN FIT INTO A 3 BY 5 FOOT HOLE?
c.) IF DIRT WEIGHS 100 POUNDS PER CUBIC FOOT, WHAT IS
THE WEIGHT OF DIRT IN A HOLE 2 FEET SQUARE BY 2 FEET DEEP?
d.*) YOU STAND BEFORE TWO DOORS, ONE LEADS TO LIFE,
ONE TO DEATH. ONE DOOR ALWAYS TELLS THE TRUTH, ONE ALWAYS LIES, YOU
DON'T KNOW WHICH IS WHICH. [LIFE AND DEATH DO NOT NECESSARILY CORRESPOND
WITH TRUTH AND LIE.] YOU MAY ASK EACH DOOR ONE QUESTION, THEN CHOOSE LEFT
OR RIGHT.
*in this question a representative of mine needs to be present for obvious
reasons.
e.) YOU STAND IN A ROOM HOLDING A MATCH, THERE IS ALSO
A WOOD BURNING STOVE, A KEROSENE LAMP, AND AN OIL HEATER, WHAT DO YOU LIGHT
FIRST?
f.) A MAN BUILDS A RECTANGULAR HOUSE WITH ALL SOUTHERN
EXPOSURES AND A BEAR WALKS BY. WHAT COLOR IS THE BEAR?
Now then, you've finished the test and, wait, you haven't?
What in the hell are you reading this for then! Go back and finish
the bloody thing! Go on, do it! Jeez, just can't find honest purple
people these days. Next you'll say you're not even purple!
Okay, now you're done, right? I really don't want
to have to send you back again, I will if I have to. All right, the scoring
and answers are below, good luck!
Answers to the Xarmite Quiz:
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Thought you might get away with
cheating didn't ya! Well we'll have none of that sonny, you need
to use the official XARM'S DECODER SHEET (true followers have one of these.
As for you cheating little screaming chita-wheelies Xarmite wannabies you
just have to talk to mE.)
Email me: [email protected], and I'll relay your answers
to xArm.
THE SCORES:
1: Thank you for playing our game, your consolation
prize is the air you expelled as you strained your one brain cell agonizing
over what the word THE means.
1.5: If your score is this then something is wrong,
retake it.
2: You suck.
3: Congratulations, you are now purple, bang your head
against the nearest bowl of vanilla pudding, and then turn it purple with
food coloring and repeat the process.
4: One short, try again later, after a new test is set
up, to see if you make the grade.
5: Congratulations, you are now a disciple of Xarm,
sit your butt down and bless the person to your left.
6: If you got all six correct you are either a genius,
in which case you don't belong here anyway, or you cheated. Do not
retake this test, just go join the guy who's pounding his head against
the pudding.
[NOTE: ANYONE NAMED ED GROUBERMAN, KI LO KNEE, T-BONE, OR "THE
wIZARD" SHOULD DISREGARD ALL OF THE ABOVE. YOU ARE ALREADY COMPREHENSIVE
MEMBERS OF mY NONEXISTENT CONGREGATION. ANY POLITICIANS WHO TAKE
THIS TEST, ALSO, SHOULD DISREGARD THEIR RESULTS AND GO STRAIGHT TO THE
PUDDING. ANY WHO DO NOT WILL BE ALTERED*]
*see Decks of Many Things for Dummies: the suit of Spades: Jack.
Have a nice day.
THE QUESTS, TRIBULATIONS, TRIALS, QUERIES, AND OTHER BIG WORDS OF
XARM, FOR mY POSSIBLY-NOW-EXISTENT-CONGREGATION
SIX: Identify the writer guy. [You
might want to do this now just to save yourself some headaches.]
ONE: Go to the nearest forest, wooded area, or just
the biggest tree you can find, and then find the largest tree (for you
unlucky people in the city yes a houseplant will suffice, sheesh) and cut
it down, .......................................... with.........................................
a................................ HERRING!!
TWO: Weasel your way out of that park services
fine that they gave you for, or at least for trying to, cutting down a
big tree with a fish.
THREE: Find the definition of the word "Nerf"
and then tell the guy who's writing this.
Don't worry, he's never going to be completely finished
with this one, so it can just be added in.
FAAR: Decide whether or not it is a good thing
to "herd Nerfs" and report this to the same guy you told the first thing
to.
FIVE: Figure out the point of actually completing
any of these tasks, but don't tell the writer guy, he's got enough problems
coming up with this crap, let alone trying to figure out some point behind
it all.
SEVEN: Identify, catalogue, alphabetically list,
and otherwise organize the entire compilation [as so far has been written]
of the Pages-some with writing on them-of Xarm.
EIGHT: Run around the outside of the building,
bridge, or cardboard box you live in five times backwards, while screaming
"I'm a Nerf herder, I'm a Nerf herder!" Then repeat number five in
this list and beat yourself on the head for being such a silly silly
little googily moogily.
NINE: Reread the fourteen and a half condiments,
taking special notice of numbers twelve and thirteen.
TEN: If you have completed all of the previous
tasks then you are almost finished. Your last and most difficult
challenge is this: GET A LIFE YOU PITIFUL, STINKING, PURPLE, CHEESE-HEAD,
YOOPER, REJECT! Thank you.
CONTINUATION OF THE GUIDELINES TO THE PAGES THAT CAN ACTUALLY BE GUIDED THROUGH OF XARM. THE OLD ENGLISH SECTION
Ye old guideline numbers One(1) through whatever is decided upon by him who doth type the pages that thou art reading even now.
Ye SHOULDST:
One1: ... eat, breathe, drink, and partake in the variety of expulsory methods that art necessary for thee to continue the process of eating, drinking, and breathing. When thou art done, then canst thou engage in other worthy activities, as in sleeping, and moving.
Two2: ... follow the works and words that thou hast read in these last few pages, eh? What doth thou mean, "But I can't read," how in the names of the thousand shades of purple art thou reading this, if thou canst not read? No, I don't care if you are "getting better." If thou canst not read, then thou needest learn! Imbecile. Is there anyone else here who canst not read? Eh? No, thou not being of able mind set to place proper meaning to mine archaic words doth not count. Yes, that is fair. Now, hey, SHUT UP, I'm not listening to thee, Humdinger dinger, humdinger dinger, I'm not listening! Hmmmmm. What? Oh, the offender hath left. Good, well then.
Three3: ... be of able mind, and thine capabilities of thought shouldst be of ample capability to hath clear understanding of what hath been put to paper in this chapter of the most purple pages of thine entertainment, xARM.
Ye SHOULDST NOT
Four4: ... confuse the purported image that thou wish to convey by thine own improper usage of common slang, jargon, or thine proper language, with this most silly font that hath been put to print before thee.
Five5: ... use the following terms in the course of thine day to day interaction with any who do not know what the hell thou art speaking of; Thou, thee, didst, canst, wouldst, shouldst, hath, or any other word commonly seen in this section that thou hast never seen anywhere else before.
Six6: ... make an attempt to read this if thou canst not read!
Thou MAYEST [if thou canst, for thou art an unworthy WEENIE!]
Seven7: ... screw, preferably things that are of thine own race but not gender, but so long as thou do not divulge what thou art ... with, I shallt not makest fun of thee.
Eight8: ... answer thine telphone so that thou mayest cause quiet to be bestowed upon that most annoying sounding of household devices.
Nine9: ... speak in this archaic type when thou art with those who mayest have some slight inkling of what the hell thou art saying.
Thou MAYEST NOT
Ten10: ... bless thine boss, superior, over ranked officer, teacher, parental(s), female counterpart, or any combination, collection, or conglomeration of what hath been above stated. This is for thine own protection.
Eleven: ... run up and down thine street in thine skivvies while screaming "Thou art a herder of small hairless Nerfs!" This only may be done if thou substitute Goats for Nerfs, xARM has a large following of Nerfs and doth not like to make them mad.
Twelve12: ... claim any credit for the writing or wording of these pages, for thou art not purple enough. [Go to the pudding.]
Thou Canst [if thou Really Really Really Wantst to]
Thirteen13: ... herd Nerfs.
Fourteen14: ... find, entrap, and play a game of chess with; the Squeege!
Fifteen15: ... tickle the Muttie.
Why? [Thine questions must form of an answer the response to thine question.]
Sixteen16: ... didst thou bother to come so far along in the reading of this that thou art actually going to give response to this mad composition of silliness.
Seventeen17: ... this shallt also fall under Thou Shouldst Not, Thou Mayest Not, and Thou Canst... Do not say to persons of importance to thee and thine life (as in can end it) "You lie down with rats and they run away." Or, "You look like a used mop."
Eighteen18: ... under no circumstances if thou, hast drawn the Ace of Spades from a deck of many things, are on a firing squad where the prisoner has just been pardoned, or if thou art a doctor, shouldst thou say "OOOOPS," under penalty of being DINKED, and slapped with the dry end of the endless wet noodle of XaRm.
Be ascared, be very ascared
Don' Squishy Me
xArm/Rob
NOW WE SHALL DELVE INTO THE BOWELS [oops, I meant to say bowls] OF PURITAN XARMITES IN MODERN SICK-CIOTY
Part One: Ye olde modern PurixArm meets ye not so olde high school students
Here we look in on William, a young and (as of yet) well illusioned PurixArmite who has decided to attend a local public High School. Let's see how he does in his first class: Wood Shop I
"Hey dudes, look at the funny lookin freshman over
there."
"Ma'an I didn't know they still made those things."
"Good day, fellow students, prithee, mayest I partake
of a stool at ye table?"
"What?"
"Dude, he wants to like, you know, sit down."
"Oh! Heh heh heh... Yeah sure, funky dude, have
a seat."
"I thanketh thee, and may the Lord shine down his
blessings upon thee."
Well, so far so good for William, but wait! Uh oh, it seems that there is another new student in the class, it's a good puritan's worst nightmare!
"Hi guys, I'm Bubbles!"
A CHEERLEADER!
AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Let's watch closely to see how William responds...
"Dude, look at her."
"Yeah man, she's really fuckin' hot."
"Uh, pardon me, but I do not think it is proper
for us to speak so candidly about someone living so blatantly in sin."
"Dude, I'd live in sin with her for as long as I
could."
"I do not understand what you are going on about.
What is it that she could offer you that you would so jeopardize your soul..."
"Hi guys, mind if I sit with you?"
"...over... duh, uh... duh..."
And yet another pure soul bites the dust...
Oh well, on to the next section of PurixaRmites:
Part 2: Ye olde Puritan Father meets ye dumb [and not so olde] Gang Bangers
Here we look in on old father John-Paul-Peter-Jimmy-Joe-Bob the third, as he deals with a small group of youths who are part of the local gang: the "My Father's belt wouldn't hit you as hard as I'm going to", or the "Bruises."
"Yo, you da' man, homer diddle wit da' friyin pans
an stuff."*
"Yeah dud, whut chu sed."
"Hey, you kids! Get off my lawn, or I'll call the
cops!"
"Old homer dudly dowa dowa!"**
"Yeh dud, whut chu sed."*
"If I don't my name aint, John-Paul-Peter-Jimmy-Joe-Bob
the Third!"
"What?"
"Whoa dud yos nely spak Enlish!"****
"Ye you rigt, les ge ow haya!"#
Well, now wasn't that surprising, but maybe we could understand it a little better if we knew just what they really said, let's go back through that conversation again...
..."Pardon me, my friend, you are quite the fellow,
don't you agree?"
..."Why, yes, my good man, I must concur with what
you said."
"Hey, you kids! Get off my lawn, or I'll call the
cops!"
..."Oh my, that old fellow there is threatening
us with incarceration, perhaps we should depart?"
..."Why, once again I must agree with your most
accurate assumption of the current situation."
"If I don't my name aint, [extremely long and annoying
thing to try and type again] the Third!"
..."What?"
..."Oh dear, my friend you should be wary of your
language, it very nearly became intelligible!"
..."Why, you are correct my good man, perhaps we
should now depart before such becomes a frequent occurance and before that
older fellow does cause our incarceration due to our absent yet overdue
departure..."
Now, don't you feel better, I know I do. [Please
insert manaiacal laughter here.]