MOVIES HOLLYWOOD SHOULD MAKE
- The Dark Knight Returns
- Judge Dredd
- Kurt Cobain Story
- Lightning
- Power Pack
- The Simpsons Movie
- The Talisman
- The Thing II
- Transformers
THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS
The pitch: An adaptation of Frank Miller's graphic novel that reunites the dream team of Burton, Keaton, and Elfman for one last epic Batman film.
"There's going to be a Dark Knight in Gotham."
The cast: MICHAEL KEATON as Batman/Bruce Wayne, JACK NICHOLSON as The Joker, NICOLAS CAGE as Superman, BILLY DEE WILLIAMS as Two-Face/Harvey Dent, MICHELLE PFEIFFER as Selina Kyle, VIN DIESEL as The Mutant Leader, MICHELLE TRACHTENBERG as Robin/Carrie Kelly, JEFF GOLDBLUM as The Scarecrow/Jonathan Crane, PAT HINGLE as Commissioner Gordon, MICHAEL GOUGH as Alfred and ADAM WEST as the President of the United States.
The pitch: Okay, so Stallone botched this one. But if they could try again with the right people, this would be awesome. Schwarzenegger in the lead, Paul Verhoeven directing, Judge Death as the villain, PSI Anderson as the babe heroine. Keep the cool stuff like the Smokatorium, the Resyk, Aggro Dome, Boinging and sky-surfers. How could it fail?
"He is the law!"
The cast: Arnie (Dredd), Denise Richards (Anderson) and Gary Oldman (Death).
THE KURT COBAIN STORY
The pitch: This is one rock biopic that would be worth doing. It should chronicle Cobain's life, from the pre-Nirvana years up to his to suicide, without changing all the facts like they usually do. Oh, and there would be no point doing it unless they could use all the Nirvana songs.
The cast: Ewan McGregor (Kurt Cobain), Courtney Love? (Herself).
The pitch: Dean Koontz's best novel has such a clever plot that you can't really descibe it without spoiling the whole thing. Suffice it to say, it involves time travel, guardian angels and World War II. It focuses on one woman's life and the escalating dangers she faces from birth onwards. It's a love story and an action movie, so it should appeal to everybody.
The cast: Natalie Portman and David Boreanaz.
The pitch: Junior Fantastic Four. Four siblings (Alex - 12, Julie - 10, Jack - 8 and Katie - 5) are given superpowers by a dying alien. With them they can fight the evil Snarks, but a more human threat arises in the shape of their father's evil boss.
"Yesterday they were four normal kids. Now they've got to rescue their parents, stop some evil aliens and save the world . . . all before bedtime!"
The cast: Four kid actors.
THE SIMPSONS MOVIE
Update: They're making this now, for release in 2007
The pitch: Well it has to be done, don't it? Hopefully the series will last a few more years, and an animated movie would be the perfect farewell tribute to Our Favourite Family. The film should be even more inventive than Who Framed Roger Rabbit and Toy Story. They could mix loads of animation styles, and include some live action scenes (The Simpsons' story gets turned into a real-life series with John Goodman?) All the major characters would be featured (except, sadly, Troy McClure and Lionel Hutz). As long as they got a funny script, this would be the best cartoon film ever.
The cast: (regulars) Dan Castellaneta, Julie Kavner, Nancy Cartwright, Yeardly Smith, Harry Shearer, Hank Azaria, Marcia Wallace, Russi Taylor, Pamela Hayden, Tress MacNeille.
(guest stars)Kelsey Grammer, Danny DeVito, Joe Mantegna, Alex Rocco, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jack Nicholson, Jon Lovitz, Foo Fighters, Kirsten Dunst, John Goodman, Matt Groening, Oingo Boingo, Norm McDonald, James Earl Jones, Ren & Stimpy, Michael Palin, David Letterman, Bill Murray.
The pitch: A movie of this classic King/Straub fantasy was supposed to made years ago, when Steven Spielberg bought the rights, but it's still stuck in development hell. It's about a boy's quest through a dark fantasy world to find a cure for his dying mother. This should appeal equally to kids and adults.
The cast: I don't know, I'm not a casting director.
THAWED
The pitch: John Carpenter's classic deserves a sequel far more than Escape From New York did. Following on from the original, the two survivors would be rescued from the artic and brought back to the mainland. But they are not alone. The Thing escapes and begins to assimilate the population at a geometric rate. Once again it's up to MacReady (Kurt Russell) to stop it. The prospect of the mutating creature loose in society would finally give CGI the chance to show what it can do with real horror.
"Man is still the warmest place to hide."
The cast: Kurt Russell.
TRANSFORMERS
Update: Spielberg and Michael Bay are making this now, for release in 2007! They better not fuck it up . . .
Click here to read my screenplay for the movie.
The pitch: I have a soft spot in my heart for these creations - in the eighties I collected the toys, the comics and the videos. Anyway, a live action remake would be superb. Giant, transforming robots haven't been done on the big screen yet, and would be more spectacular than Godzilla and Independence Day put together (not hard). The warring robots start off on their homeplanet, crash on Earth and continue their war disguised as Earthly machines. The good Autobots would try and protect humans, while the evil Decepticons would cause as much damage as possible. Give it a $100 million budget and you've got a guaranteed winner, methinks. Are you listening, movie execs? I see the toys are still in the shops, and this would definitely spawn a franchise if they did it right. "More than meets the eye. Robots in disguise."
The cast: Famous actors voicing the robots, an unknown teen couple as their human friends Buster and Jessie.
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