| Rambles I�m tired . . .weak . . .scared . . .cold . . .shaky� worse when people seem to understand . . .numb . . .prickly. Everything around me is too fast-- too much stimulation, too loud. Time passes weirdly, mainly too slowly. Cry tears, then shiver while the stomach clenches. It�s hard to speak and my voice breaks as I curl in with everything pulled in. I find it hard to concentrate, lonely. In a state of shock, confused, numb brain. Like/want/crave darkness. Stay in one position, even when painful� I�m tense can�t sleep�too jittery with eyes wide. Little noises scare. Withdraw from a world too big and act cautiously-- can�t let people know too much, they don�t listen anyway. My emotions are fake . . . people don�t take me seriously because they think I am joking. I think I am joking, I think my emotions are fake. This whole feeling is fake�I use it for attention�to make myself look better or special. Everyone feels this way, they just don�t let it get to them. It�s normal, I should accept it. But then . . . No one pays attention . . . Would they notice me not here anymore? Would they care? They get me open, then have to leave or say nothing more. They leave me stranded. I can�t take it when they just seem to go. What do they want from me? So scared of the world, of nothing in particular. Can�t tell parents-- they don�t need to hear this-- shouldn�t pull them down, but why is it right to pull down friends? They say it is ok and parents have enough other worries besides me. I can�t upset them, they would get mad if I told them-- they wouldn�t understand. They would not know what to do and would just say don�t do it we love you. What does that matter? I don�t know what love is . . . What is anything anyway? I fake those feelings. I think I fake those feelings but I don�t, but I do, but my mind is not bad, it is fine�or is it crazy? Can�t ever agree with myself-- am I sure? Every decision is so important-- don�t screw it up! If I tell people, I would be acting as if it mattered as if I did as if I was actually depressed, but I am not, I know that. It is attention cravings. Fake-- me-- fake. I am cocky, conceited, and think this will improve my image but I�m vain-- I don�t actually think these things. It�s all made up. I pretend to feel these things-- I impose them on myself I could stop it all if I actually tried for once, but then I would feel like I was covering up the problem, if there was a problem . . . I don�t know if I have a problem�if I have one, I don�t want to just forget about it, I want to do something about it, but maybe I don�t so I should just try to be happy . . . What is happiness to me? He asked me but I don�t understand-- isn�t happiness the same for everyone? Then I ask questions like that when I know the answers. I act stupid because it takes less effort than to appear as if I know the answers I can just say huh? instead of some other response. I don�t want people to know what is in my head at all�it�s as if there is something wrong letting them know I know exactly what they are saying . . . I don�t feel like answering them�it�s a waste of my time when I have so little left. |
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