� Do you go over and over things that you could�ve, should�ve said or done
to make things turn out differently?
� Do you try to think of things you should change about yourself, that maybe,
just maybe, would have prevented the bad things that have happened to
you? i.e.�If only I�d (fill in the blank), then (fill in the blank) would/wouldn�t
have (fill in the blank).
� Are you questioning your faith, what you thought was God�s direction for
your life? i.e.�Did God really tell me to (fill in the blank), or was that what I
wanted to happen?
� Are you keeping yourself away from others because you don�t want to
inflict yourself, and your problems on anyone else? Why waste their time?
� Do you spend a lot of your time sleeping? Or trying to sleep?
� Do you bathe regularly?
� Do you care how you look to others?
� Do you ever think, �Everyone would be better off without me around?�
� Do you ever laugh? The things that used to make you laugh so hard that
you�d almost puke, only get a hint of a smile now?
� Did everything get a lot louder? Do you want to be alone where it�s quiet?
� Do you enjoy eating or is it a chore?
� Is your pet the only one around that you fell comfortable with?
� Do you still pray? Does it seem like you hear nothing from God?
� Do you want to be around people, or would you rather be alone?
� Do you question God? i.e.�Why did You let me (fill in the blank)?
� Do you think that no one cares and could possibly understand what you�re
going through?
� Do you feel like life is passing you by, and you forgot where your place is?
i.e.�Where do I fit in? Everything seems to be going well without me. No
one seems to miss me.
� Do you love or hate yourself? Your looks? Your personality? Your
situation?
� Do you wish it would all just go away?
I have felt all of the above, on and off for most of my life. There are days when I think that I�ll never be happy again. During those times, nothing much means anything to me. I try and argue with myself that I shouldn�t feel that way, but the dark thoughts won�t go away. I feel lonely, even when my whole family is around me.
Most days are good. Some suck. Sometimes I feel like Lot�s wife; I tend to look back a lot. I thing about how things might have been if I�d done something differently; changed something, said something else. Maybe my life would be different now if I could go back and change one decision I�ve made, one wrong thing I did, but I can�t go back and do anything. No one can. Maybe it�s human nature to try to relive the past, to think �what if� with different situations. I know that I�m guilty of it, but in the long run it doesn�t help anything. They call it the past because that�s what it is, past. I can�t go back and undo or redo anything about my past. There are no time-outs or �do-overs�. Life keeps moving whether we want to scream �stop� or not. By dwelling on the past, I miss out on my present and maybe delay my future.
If someone hadn�t intervened with me, things could have turned out completely different. I finally let someone in to help me, and despite my fear of their rejection and ridicule, they accepted my feelings and self-pity, and they helped me to look out at the world around me. They made me realize that I couldn�t control everything myself, and accepting their help didn�t make me weak or foolish. They didn�t think that I was wasting their time and they made me see that I wasn�t totally alone.
Maybe by laying my private thoughts out there in the open, you�ll realize that I might know something about what you are dealing with. If telling you my story allows you to see that someone else has (is) walking in your shoes, then I�ve done what I intended to do.
I�m not a therapist, or a counselor. Don�t contact me for solutions to your problems, because I�m not qualified. Just know that someone else has been there, and done that. You are not alone. You are probably suffering from depression. Find someone to help you.