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I let God back in. I talked to my Pastor about the whole experience, and he asked me if I had ever asked God to use me for something special. He said that the whole thing might have been God�s way of breaking me down, so that He could build me into someone He could use. I know that I�ve changed in a lot of different ways and I don�t know if they show on the outside, but I feel them inside, and that�s where God needed to work on me. I claimed several verses of promise from that same Bible that once scared me so much. The first one was Revelation 12:11. �And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony, and they loved not their lives unto the death.� The second one helped me begin to rebuild � Psalm 31:24. �Be of good courage, and he will strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord.� I claimed a third verse, Ephesians 2:8. �For by grace are ye saved, through faith; and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God.� Grace is God�s gift to us, but faith is not something we can manufacture, it is also a gift from God. This verse reminds me of the �one thing� theory that Billy Crystal�s character talks about in the movie �City Slickers�. He said that each person has to decide what �one thing� means the most to them in the world. Just one thing. I want my one thing to be that I believe that Jesus is the only way of salvation.
While doing a devotional one day, I thought to myself, the writers of the Bible talked a lot about faith, hope and love. To me, God is love, you must have faith in Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit gives you the hope of eternal life. What does that verse say?...�Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.� We haven�t personally seen either God, or Jesus or the Holy Spirit, but we have hope that all will be revealed to us in God�s timing.
My faith was tested, and reduced to the size of the head of a pin. I pray that it will grow according to the Father�s will for me. Some days, I doubt. Most days, I don�t. Some days, I think that there is one more thing that I should do to earn His love. Most days, I remind myself that I can�t possibly do anything to ever earn anything. Every day, I know He loves me anyway. May God grant me His mercy every day.
(written in November 1998) |
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