thoughtsonatrainFic

Faith was a mistake.

Faith was born to parents who didn't want her. Boo hoo, let's cry for the little girl. Once they found her playing with a dead rat, because she didn't understand that there was anything different about it from the soft teddybears all the other children had. What they never knew was that she killed it herself, when it tried to run away. I suppose you could call that a metaphor for Faith's whole life, but I don't use words like that, I might sound like that stupid little witch Willow.

Sorry if I'm causing confusion here. I am Faith. I hate being Faith, so I talk about her like she was someone else. My whole life, I've wished she was someone else. Stupid little slut.

When they told her she was the Slayer, Faith thought everything might be ok. Here was something she could do, that was her special talent and hers alone. Better than anything in the world, to be special. Then they explained that it was an accident, that there was another Slayer out there, the 'real' one. Faith wasn't special at all.

But she didn't hate this other Slayer. Her watcher was hers, hers alone, someone who wanted her to survive the battles and who dressed her wounds and bought her clothes. So what if it was strictly business. Someone gave a damn about our screwed up little heroine. Her watcher showed her a picture of the other Slayer, a girl named Buffy. Faith thought she looked like a princess from a fairy tale, all golden and clean. She felt connected to this other girl, the 'real' chosen one. But it didn't matter that Faith was only the consolation prize winner. She had her watcher, who told her she had a pretty face and followed her into her battles.

And died. People tend to die on Faith a lot. She doesn't like it much. Occasionally she even cries.

The only person left in the whole wide world that Faith had now was a beat-up photo of a princess named Buffy. So Faith went and found Buffy.

Buffy had everything. She had a best friend with compassionate, kind eyes, and another cute friend named Xander who Faith decided would be fun to get into bed, and a mother who loved her and a librarian who was more like a father and a charming sweet not-boyfriend and everything else Faith had ever wanted when she was stuck in her trailer park with a dead rat for a friend. But still Faith didn't hate her. Faith loved her. Wanted her, wanted to be her.

Her mother had called her firecracker, her father had called her killer, supposedly an affectionate reference to the dead-rat episode, less affectionate when he grunted in her ear as she lay pinned to the mouldy mattress on their floor. True to the nickname, Faith was a killer. She didn't mean to be. He came out of nowhere.

She didn't care. She didn't. Why care? She hadn't cared when the rat died. She ate hamburgers by the dozen and they were all dead animals, right? Why should she care about one more dead animal? That's what she told herself anyway. Faith lies to herself a lot. See now why I hate her?

But Buffy cared. So Faith lied more and more.And felt the cracks open between her and her golden princess, the only person in the world Faith gave a damn about.

Faith found someone else to care about. Someone who told her she had a pretty face, and bought her lots of things to play with, and wanted her to survive the battles. All he asked in return were a few more dead animals.

Imagine how different Faith's life might have been if someone had actually given a damn! Lets all make excuses for Faith!

I hate that little witch Willow. She's always right. She hates Faith as much as I hate her, but she doesn't have the right to hate her. Black people can use words like Nigger because they're black too. I can hate Faith because I am Faith, but Red, little witch, who Buffy loves, doesn't have a goddamn right.

I'm rambling. But it doesn't matter, because there's no-one left to hear me. There almost was. For one day -one day- I had everything. I got to be Princess Buffy, and Faith was going to be taken away. I was free of the stupid cow I hated so much.

And when she put that glowing green thing in my hand and I was Faith again I wanted to scream. No! I will not be her again! I will not be this stupid mistake that nobody ever loved. I'm not even going to warn Buffy that they don't really lover her. I don't know what that Riley guy wants, but it's something, and i hope he makes her pay with a pound of flesh. I don't care about the princess anymore, because I got to be her and it's all a lie. They don't really love her. And all I ever wanted to take from her was love. You have to take it, don't you see? No-one ever gives it by choice. You only get hurt that way.

I'll go find Angel. I once asked him if there might have been a chance for us if things had been different. If Faith had been given a teddy bear, or if Buffy had properly died instead of just nearly, or if if if. Maybe there's some other reality where we're together. Where I might have a best friend like Willow, except Willow would never be friends with trash like Faith. Maybe if things were different she would be too, she could be the flipside Willow., just like I know they sometimes think I'm the flipside Buffy, the Lucifer to her God. In this other reality there might be a cool Willow, with a sense of fun and better dress sense. And I'd have her for a best friend, and Angel would be mine, mine. And I wouldn't even make Buffy dead, in my perfect world. She could just be far, far away. Sunnydale should be mine. I wish she'd never set foot there. They should all be mine. I never had any toys, you see.

Rambe, ramble. Doesn't the stupid bitch ever shut up? Dammit Faith, I hate you so much. I wish you were dead. You never shut up. Stupid daydreams about what can never, ever happen. I hate you because you're stupid and weak and too dumb to just die already. And for one day I was free of you, and I was everything you'll never be. I hate you Faith, I wish you would die.

But it's ok, you will soon enough. I'm going to make sure of it.

And everything will be five by five.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

End