kurtsuicidenote

to boddah

speaking from the tounge of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. this note should be pretty easy to understand.

all the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. i haven't felt the excitement of listening to aswell as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. i feel guilty bryond words about these things.

for example when we're backstage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowd begins, it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for freddy mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the love and adoration from the crowd, which is something i totally admire and envy. the fact is, i cant fool you, any one of you. it simply isnt fair to you or me. the worst crime i can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if i'm having 100% fun.

sometimes i feel as if i should have a punch-in time clock before i walk out on stage. i'v tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and i do, god, believe me i do, but its not enough). i appreciate the fact that i and we have entertained a lot of people. i must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. i'm too sensitive.i need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasm i once had as a child.

on our last 3 tours, i'v had a much better appreciation for all the people i've known personally and as fans of our music, but i still cant get over the fustration, the guilt and the empathy i have for everyone. theres good in all of us and i think i simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. the sadlittle, sensitive, unappreciative, pisces, jesus man! why dont you just enjoy it? i don't know!

i have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. and that terrifies me to the point where i can bearly function. i can't stand the thought of frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that i've become.

i have it good, very good, and i'm grateful, but since the age of seven, i've become hateful towards all humans in general. only because it seems so easy for people to get along and have empathy. only because i love and feel sorry for people too much i guess.

thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. i'm too much of an erratic, moody, baby! i dont have the passion anymore, and so remember, its better to burn out than to fade away.

peace, love, empathy.
kurt cobain

frances and courtney, i'll be at your altar.
please keep going courtney, for frances.
for her life, which will be so much happier without me.

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!