~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ READ WHAT THE CRITICS ARE SAYING ABOUT FISTFUL OF BEES!!! ------------- "Fistful of Bees blows... Also, they need a name their enemies couldn't turn into something hilarious and original, like Fistful of Cock or something." - some girl ------------- "I fell asleep during the first paragraph." - some guy ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FFFFFFFFFF IIIIIIIIIII SSSSSSSS TTTTTTTTTTTTT FFFFFFFFFF UUU UUU LLL FFFFFFFFFF IIIIIIIIIII SSSSSSSSSS TTTTTTTTTTTTT FFFFFFFFFF UUU UUU LLL FFF III SSSS SSS TTT FFF UUU UUU LLL FFF III SSSS SS TTT FFF UUU UUU LLL FFFFFF III SSSS TTT FFFFFF UUU UUU LLL FFFFFF III SSSS TTT FFFFFF UUU UUU LLL FFF III SSSS TTT FFF UUU UUU LLL FFF III SSSS TTT FFF UUU UUU LLL FFF III SS SSSS TTT FFF UUU UUU LLL FFF III SSS SSSS TTT FFF UUU UUU LLL FFF IIIIIIIII SSSSSSSSSSS TTT FFF UUUUUUUUUUUU LLLLLLLLLLL FFF IIIIIIIII SSSSSSSSS TTT FFF UUUUUUUU LLLLLLLLLLL OOOOOOOO FFFFFFFFFF BBBBBBBBB EEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEE SSSSSSSS OOOOOOOOOOOO FFFFFFFFFF BBBBBBBBBB EEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEE SSSSSSSSSS OOO OOO FFF BBB BBB EEE EEE SSSS SSS OOO OOO FFF BBB BBB EEE EEE SSSS SS OOO OOO FFFFFF BBB BBB EEEEEEE EEEEEE SSSS OOO OOO FFFFFF BBBBBBBBBB EEEEEEE EEEEEE SSSS OOO OOO FFF BBBBBBBBBB EEE EEE SSSS OOO OOO FFF BBB BBB EEE EEE SSSS OOO OOO FFF BBB BBB EEE EEE SS SSSS OOO OOO FFF BBB BBB EEE EEE SSS SSSS OOOOOOOOOOOO FFF BBBBBBBBBB EEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEE SSSSSSSSSSS OOOOOOOO FFF BBBBBBBBB EEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEE SSSSSSSSS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ISSUE #2 MAY 2004 ***THE RELIGION ISSUE*** 1. Editor's Notes 2. Review of FoB #1 3. "In-N-Out" by M. Cescher 4. "Another Fistful of Bees" by Mary 5. "Religion... Losing My" by Sarah Jaffe 6. "Steps in Overcoming Masturbation" 7. About Fistful of Bees ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Editor's Notes: Here's Fistful of Bees #2, finally. It's a week late because stuff kept coming up… mostly car-related. However, I did find the time to start a blog for the zine, so people concerned with that kind of thing can keep abreast of what's happening in the world of FoB. You can find it at http://fistfulofbees.blogspot.com. Along with journal updates, there's also a bunch of links to FoB-related sites. FoB #3 ("The Emo Issue") will be out sometime in early June. Because of the theme, for a *limited time only*, I'll accept poetry… preferably about how your significant other left you and as a result, life is no longer worth living. I'm especially interested in your unrequited-love poetry if you’re a teenager… did you see that episode of South Park where Wendy dumped Stan, so he got all depressed and starting hanging out with the goth kids? That's the kind of thing I've got in mind, but anything else remotely emo-related (poetry or not) is good too. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Review of FoB #1 from Fred the Paper Fredericton's newest electronic magazine shows quite a bit of promise. Fistful of Bees has got the biggest header I've ever seen, and if my understanding of graphology serves me correctly, that's a sure sign of big plans. The zine has a bit of everything: rants, rambles, essays, and interviews (but no poetry). Each issue is based loosely on a theme: issue one is pure sex. There's going to be a lot of variety in Fistful of Bees, and I'm curious to see what happens in upcoming issues. (BMC, textscene.com) ------------- You can find Fred the Paper online at www.fredthepaper.ca, although they don't seem to have updated their site in a while. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "In-N-Out" By M. Cescher ------------- The office is a tight little box that I nearly lived in for three months of that year, going home only to shower. My pillow and blanket rolled up and jammed in the bottom shelf of the bookcase in the corner, in hopes that the guy who shares my office won't notice it. The office assistant comes in around lunchtime. I was totally obsessed with her briefly and then came to the sudden realization that I had no chance whatever and got back to my cruel and calculated rise to power. Jennifer hangs through the door. "I'm going to the In-N-Out. Do you want anything?" "No thanks" "Are you sure?" she insists. "No I have issues with In-N-Out" She's a bit taken aback and I heave a sigh as I make yet another attempt to explain myself. Some disclosure on my part: My mother is from South America, which generally means very Catholic. As a result, I went to catholic school for 10 years. I came to regard it as a prison run bay authoritarian hypocrites that had betrayed Jesus in every way possible, an opinion that I eventually extended to all of the Catholic body. I really never bought into the dogma, Jesus being god and all that stuff, but I did develop a reverence for religious traditions that included Buddhism, Hinduism and others. My Bahai friends are the only ones who really appreciate my attitude to religion and mild disgust with In-N-Out. For those of you who haven't had In-N-Out spread into your area like rust or termites, it's a burger chain that may still be mercifully contained within the southwest of US. It's one of these retro places that harkens to a mythical golden age in a particularly synthetic way. The blatant phoniness and the red and white color scheme is pretty grating on my delicate sensibilities, but the food isn't that fantastic either in my humble opinion. These reasons are enough for Jen to understand why I don't eat there, but they still don't constitute "issues". Ok sure, there's plenty more. This is where religion comes into the picture. You may be a bit confused as to how the realms of religion and fast food would ever collide. Well me too. As you eat your burger you might notice on the wrapper the tiny printed word "Nahum 1:7". Lift your cup. On the underside lip of the cup the tiny print "John 3:16". I won’t list them all, but the point of the matter is that In-N-Out puts bible references in inconspicuous places on their fast food packaging. Which leads me to troubled questions. Ok first of all, it strikes me as a bit sinister. Why hide it? If you're going to put religious references on your product, just put it right there on the front where everyone can see it and then make an informed choice. Just put "Jesus loves you" going around the cup in half inch letters. Don't psych people out by hiding it, unless you’re ashamed of it or think that people wouldn't buy it otherwise. Second, why put it on there at all? What is its purpose? Is it to get people to read the bible? Why the reference and not the actual quote? Of course many of my Christian friends have absolutely no problem with this foisting of religion on unaware strangers. The missionary imperative of Catholicism is one of the initial reasons I broke from the Church when I was 16. Too many regard religion as simply a race to get the most people on your team rather than expressing faith by acting on the teachings of the founder. Boo. Finally, isn't it just plain disrespectful? Doesn't it trivialize and degrade the religion by printing bible verses on a burger wrapper? Were they exhibiting the proper reverence for religious scripture, they would do nothing of the kind. Once again most people I've talked to who consider the Bible to be the word of God seem to have no problem with printing it on trash. Would they have a problem with bible verses in fortune cookies? Come to think of it, are there any moral qualms that would curb this sort of religious exhibitionism? Put it on the napkins? Religious graffiti? Now that I think on it, I can remember several instances of Jesus graffiti on the walls of public bathrooms (even in the Netherlands). How does this repulsive proselytizing benefit anyone other than the shallow, self-righteous people doing it? For these reasons I've come to strongly support a separation of church and fast food. At best it's tacky and disrespectful to the religion itself. At worst its the most throwaway, consumer capitalism proselytizing a religion in an underhanded, sleazy way. I slump in my chair, totally exhausted from ranting. Jennifer seems a bit bewildered, troubled by what is new information to her. "So do you want anything from Fatburger?" ------------- M. Cescher is an international powerbroker, gentleman thief, and eccentric. Based on an island off the Netherlands coast, he directs his network of agents and tries on costumes in front of a giant mirror. He has occasionally served as creative consultant for James Bond films. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Another Fistful of Bees" By Mary ------------- There's a Christian nu-metal band from Kentucky called Bride. They sound exactly like you think Kentucky- based Christian nu-metal sounds like. Imagine if Limp Bizkit sang about God and Jesus instead of "Nookie" and "Rollin'" – in other words, it's mediocre, derivative, and generally pretty fucking awful. However, in 2001 Bride put out an album with the cleaver title "Fistful of Bees"… much better than their 1997 release, which was given the not-at-all clever title of (and I’m not making this up) "The Jesus Experience". Here's a sample of lyrics you can find on "Fistful of Bees" (although I refused to correct their grammar and/or spelling, damn it): ------------- "Dog the Nine" If you live in the eternal now you're a ball in hand Never believed in luck a benefactor of the damned Lost your rhythm and your stealing' fire breather bringing smoke Whose got the church key more of that Claymore dope? You wouldn't go decafe you said Jesus was a laugh Now whose is that in the body? In the neighborhood you thought about repenting But you' rather take from them be the one whose given You better know the house rules to finish in this life Cause you'll learn the difference if you Dog the Nine "I can not seem to say what I want to relate, but by His power I will say The picture of what he wants to portrait wants me by Hid Spirit to associate The warehouse getting smaller skitzing played yourself Versace on your back sideways and ill You were left behind you weren't watching' you were sleeping Now your mother's squatted down alone and she's weeping. You might not think its phat to apply the cross The blood of Christ was shed to save your soul It's all about the sin that you're compiling Cast salt into your violence stop freestyling You got the right to remain silent or freedom to speak your peace Straight up with the truth I give you liberty Why you wanna live out of bounds with a riot in your veins Hoodlum can't find no peace only trauma in the grave You need a designated driver for your hostility Spiritual habitation for your responsibility Effectual fervent prayer touches the throne of God Your self inflicted mass suicide die with the mob ------------- This is an example of why this FoB has a policy of [generally] not accepting poetry. If you must, you can visit Bride's "web presence" at www.bridepub.com. ------------- Mary Green is a full-time sloth for another month at least. Soon she will receive a certificate suitable for framing that says she knows a lot about sociology and philosophy, although the former somewhat more than the latter. At that time, she will have the training required to work at the restaurant or temp agency of her choice. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Religion... Losing My" By Sarah Jaffe ------------- Looking for God in a crowded room, looking everyone in the eye for one second longer than permissible. One second more than enough to read the secrets they don't want me to read, but they can't look away, they know what I'm looking for and they're scared, scared I might find it and scared I won't. Looking for God in the eyes of a man, a woman, a child, a priest, a rabbi, but I came the closest in the green-glowing eyes of a cat late at night, of a dog you've just slapped, of a person so sad they've tried to drown himself in a bottle of whiskey, the tear-wet eyes of a child who comes home from school only to find his parents not home and the door locked. I used to think I could find Him in the eye of a lover, but most people don't look you in the eye until they're done, and maybe not even then, rolling out of bed and easing out the door when they think you're asleep. Though I found Him once and tried to hold on tight but he got up and left me too. We look for God in a Mel Gibson film, between the lines of a book, in the waves of the ocean as the sun goes down. We try and find Him in the clouds as a plane slices through, or in a porch light that draws the moths at night, but maybe the place we need to start looking is in the mirror. ------------- Sarah Jaffe is a writer who lives in Denver, Colorado against her better judgment. She divides her time between getting a better and cheaper education from books than she did from college, and stalking Colorado Avalanche hockey players. She's saving money to move to Canada, but it would make the move easier if you'd marry her. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An Excerpt from "Steps in Overcoming Masturbation" by Mark E. Peterson Council of the Twelve Apostles ------------- 1. Pray daily, ask for the gifts of the Spirit, that which will strengthen you against temptation. Pray fervently and out loud when the temptations are the strongest. 2. Follow a program of vigorous daily exercise. The exercises reduce emotional tension and depression and are absolutely basic to the solution of this problem. Double your physical activity when you feel stress increasing. 3. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell STOP to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite a pre-chosen Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn. It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge. 4. Change in behaviour and attitude is most easily achieved through a changed self-image. Spend time every day imagining yourself strong and in control, easily overcoming tempting situations. 5. Begin to work daily on a self-improvement program. Relate this plan to improving your Church service, to improving your relationships with your family, God and others. Strive to enhance your strengths and talents. 6. Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others and learn to enjoy working and talking to them. Use principles of developing friendships found in books such as How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. 7. Be aware of situations that depress you or that cause you to feel lonely, bored, frustrated or discouraged. These emotional states can trigger the desire to masturbate as a way of escape. Plan in advance to counter these low periods through various activities, such as reading a book, visiting a friend, doing something athletic, etc. 8. Make a pocket calendar for a month on a small card. Carry it with you, but show it to no one. If you have a lapse of self-control, colour the day black. Your goal will be to have no black days. The calendar becomes a strong visual reminder of self control and should be looked at when you are tempted to add another black day. Keep your calendar up until you have at least three clear months. 9. In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called aversion therapy. When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act. 10. During your toileting and shower activities leave the bathroom door or shower curtain partly open, to discourage being alone in total privacy. Take cool brief showers. 11. Arise immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity. 12. Keep your bladder empty. Refrain from drinking large amounts of fluids before retiring. 13. Reduce the amount of spices and condiments in your food. Eat as lightly as possible at night. 14. Avoid people, situations, pictures or reading materials that might create sexual excitement. 15. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases. 16. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep. 17. Set up a reward system for your successes. It does not have to be a big reward. A quarter in a receptacle each time you overcome or reach a goal. Spend it on something which delights you and will be a continuing reminder of your progress. 18. Do not let yourself return to any past habit or attitude patterns which were part of your problem. Satan Never Gives Up. Be calmly and confidently on guard. Keep a positive mental attitude. You can win this fight! The joy and strength you will feel when you do will give your whole life a radiant and spiritual glow of satisfaction and fulfillment. 19. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes. 20. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company. 21. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things. 22. When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror. Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes -- just long enough to bathe and dry and dress AND THEN GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present. 23. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED AND GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND FIX YOURSELF A SNACK, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining weight. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak. 24. Never read pornographic material. Never read about your problem. Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a thought, then an act." The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mid. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act. 25. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books -- Church books -- Scriptures -- Sermons of the Brethren. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The four Gospels -- Matthew, Mark, Luke and John -- above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities. 26. Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep [it] in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for the Missionaries, the General Authorities, your friends, your families, BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVER -- NOT IN CONVERSATION WITH OTHERS, NOT IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT OUT OF YOUR MIND! ------------- My favourite is #21, however these tips are just the highlights. You can find more at www.phallic.org. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ABOUT FISTFUL OF BEES SUBSCRIPTIONS: Fistful of Bees comes out at the beginning of every month, or whenever I get around to it. You can subscribe via email by sending a message to fistfulofbees@hotmail.com with "subscribe" as the subject. Similarly, if you want to be removed from the subscribers list, send an email to the same address with "remove" as the subject. You can also view individual issues of FoB at this address: http://www.geocities.com/fistfulofbees/zine.html SUBMISSIONS: I'll put just about anything in FoB -- except poetry. Save it for your English teacher. Send your submission to fistfulofbees@hotmail.com either embedded in the message or as a .txt file. Also include a little bit about yourself with your submission. You don't have to give me your name, but your a/s/l and a name or pseudonym you want me to use would be good. Just make everything up if you want, I don't care. Although each issue has a "theme", don't worry about whether or not your stuff will fit in with it. That's my job. And besides, for the most part, I take whatever content I have laying around construct a theme based on that, rather than coming up with the theme first. So if you send me something and I like it, I'll work it in one way or another. CONTACT: As you may have figured out, you can send any comments or suggestions to fistfulofbees@hotmail.com. However, be aware that any mail you send me may end up in a future issue of FoB. Especially if you're a dumbass and I want to ridicule you publicly. Dig it. Oh, and you can find me on MSN sometimes too, although the same rule applies. You guessed it: fistfulofbees@hotmail.com. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~