I snapped my eyes back open for the third time that minute. My girlfriend and I sat on the couch watching the late late show. "Go to bed," she urged, "it's been a long day for me too. Anyway, I can't stand you falling asleep on me anymore!" I grudgingly agreed. It had been a wonderful 20th birthday: party, family, friends, spending quality time with my girl, definitely an all around good birthday. I walked her out to her car and we kissed goodnight. I stood on the lawn, in the cool night air, as I watched her drive away. Then I spent another minute standing there with the wind lulling me to sleep. "Time to go to bed" I thought.
I walked back inside, locked up, walked up the stairs - past the sound of my father snoring rather loudly- and went to into my quite and dark bedroom. I threw on a t-shirt and some boxers and hopped into bed. With my mind racing with all of the events of the day, I didn't think I'd be able to fall asleep right away. I had just started to lose consciousness when my mother turned the lights on. In her hands she held a cupcake, with a lit candle stuck in it. I groaned as she started "Happy Birthday to you..." I sat up, and played along.
"What are you doing awake mom?"
"I couldn't sleep, now make a wish and blow out the candle."
"Mom, I'm tired, and all I want to do is sleep, can we please do this later, when the sun is good and up."
"No, this is special, please, for me?"
"Mom, why have you been acting so funny lately, what's wrong?"
"Aww, it just so quiet with you away at college, and your father just sleeps all of the time."
"Why don't you get out more than, you have friends."
"Not like you, my baby, all grown up, you're not a teenager anymore."
"Mom, I can't stand you when you're like this, you get so clingy, why don't you get a life. I wish..."
I regretted it as I was saying it, but I was to asleep to care. I watched as her eyes welled up, I watched as she went to wipe her tears away, and I watched as the cupcake with the lit candle dropped onto my flame retardant comforter and lit the bed on fire. My brain was saying, "Go to sleep", then it finally registered that fire was bad and it changed its stance, "put the fire out, and then go to sleep." So I folded the comforter over on itself and smothered the fire out. Then the ice cold water hit me square in the head. I looked up and saw my mom holding an empty water basin, which she had filled, then thrown towards what previously had been a low-grade fire. Then she cried some more, then she started making some half sobbing, half choking nose... like this: (Imitate really ambitious sobbing here) ...then she ran out the room. I got out of bed, took the wet sheets off my bed, turned the lights off, and then went back to bed. Seeing that it was mission accomplished my brain went to sleep.
The headache was what woke me up. I was on the floor, a rather dirty one at that. The first thing I noticed was that this wasn't my room. Boxes lined the walls, and everything was covered in dust. I stood up, got a basic feel for everything. I didn't think I had been abducted by aliens, and I didn't remember being getting drunk enough to pass out somewhere - wait, I wouldn't remember that anyway. I walked over to the door, which was strange in itself because the door was exactly where it should be. I looked out into the hallway, which was also strangely like my hallway. I went down stairs, just like my stairs. I walked into the kitchen, opened the refrigerator, and felt a blinding pain on the left side of my head. "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, ROBBER, FIRE, 911", I then watched in confusion as a middle aged and extremely over weight African American woman picked up the phone and dialed 911, all the while pointing an almost harmless meat mallet at me.
"Where am I...who are you...?"
"DON'T YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH WHITE BOY, OR I'LL CRACK YOUR SKULL OPEN. 911, yes, I've got a robber in my house ... no I've subdued him ... good, now get your asses over here and get him out of my house!"
"Wait I'm not a robber" I tried to explain, grabbing the phone out of her hand
"RAPEEE! NO NO NO, DON'T YOU TOUCH ME!"
I gave up and ran for the front door, but was momentarily stopped by a bullet whizzing past me ear. I conjectured from the loud crashing noise behind me that a stray bullet had just upset a great many kitchen implements.
"DOUGLASS, I TOLD YOU TO GET RID OF THAT GUN."
"I TOLD YOU THIS NEIGHERBHOOD WAS NO GOOD LELIA, I'VE GOT TO KEEP SOME PROTECTION AROUND FOR US!"
"DON'T ARGUE WITH ME, GET HIM," indicating me, "OUT OF OUR HOUSE!"
Rather than stare down the rather harmful barrel of a shot gun that was being pointed at me by another middle aged overweight African American, but this time male, I made a hard right through the door to the basement. I locked the door behind me, and hurried down the steps, all the while trying to figure out how I was going to get out of a most likely locked basement.
"OH NO DOUGLASS, HE'S GOT OUR BABY DOWN THERE!"
I looked over to see a little girl playing with her dolls.
"Hi" she said,
"Hi" I said,
"What's your name?"
"Jim"
"Nice to meet you Jim"
I heard Leila upstairs yelling into the phone, "911, YES, NOW WE HAVE A HOSTAGE SITUATION, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR TAKING YOUR GOOD OLD TIME GETTING YOUR ASSES OVER HERE." Then I heard Douglass muttering, "I pay my damn taxes so they can sit on their asses...DON'T YOU HURT MY BABY I'LL GIVE YOU WHATEVER YOU WANT!"
I turned to the little girl again.
"Hi, um.."
"Annie" she said
"Hi Annie, I think I was magically teleported into your house last night..."
"...coool..."
"...yeah, so anyway, your parents think I'm a robber and that I'm going to hurt you, but all I really wanna do is get outside so I can find my way back home, can you help me?"
"...ok, sounds like fun."
"Great, all I need you to do is walk up the stairs in front of me, and then stay in front of me while I go out the front door."
"Yeah, ok"
Kids were definitely getting stranger than they used to be. So we walked up the steps and out the front door, which all happened rather smoothly, since Leila was still busy yelling at the poor 911 people and Douglass was thinking too hard about the way the American system works to shoot.
"So, can I come with you?"
"No, sorry"
"Send me a post card then."
"Ok, what's you full name"
"Annie Marie Berry"
"Thanks, I'll be sure to write"
"Don't you need the address though?"
"No, you live at my address."
I left poor confused Annie as I jogged down the street
When last we left our dazed and confused protagonist, who had unexpectedly awoken in his own house but which was now occupied by obviously quite different occupants, he was running down the street...
I was running down the street. This was fairly obvious to anyone who happened to be looking at me running...down the street...the street...I hazarded a glance at the street sign. It read "skateboarding is not a crime" which was definitely not the name of the street I lived on...phew...however, it also read "Glenfield St." which unfortunately was...the name of my street...maybe if I keep pausing to restate obvious things...which are, of course, rather obvious...something will happen...Oh wow, a bird chirped...well it was better than nothing, and so I left this train of though.
I took a moment to assess the situation. I was alive; I think. I felt my pulse as I walked towards the corner. I was mentally debating whether a pulse is a good way of determining aliveness when a rather stationary lawn ornament, who obviously wanted me dead, decided to make alarmingly cruel contact with my foot. I would have made some rather expletive noises if I hadn't still been in my moment, so for the next couple seconds any passers by would see a young man wearing only boxers and a t-shirt trying rather unsuccessfully to walk horizontal to the ground. Ok, alive or not, my house wasn't my house anymore. Maybe my parents were sadistically cruel and moved while I was sleeping...strong possibility. Maybe I had some rare disease that caused me to suddenly think my entire past was different...also a strong possibility, since I saw it happen once in a star trek episode. Maybe by some freak of chance I had been transported into a different reality in which I didn't exist...
...This was in fact the case, but unfortunately Jim's brain interrupted the thought because it was fed up with the pain being caused it from when the aforementioned satanic lawn ornament had decided to trip Jim and took this moment to put a stop to the other moment. This all resulted in: a lot of swearing to escape from Jim's mouth, a cheerful looking gnome lawn ornament to be smashed to little bits on the sidewalk, and a group of peaceful aliens who, interestingly enough, looked a lot like gnome lawn ornaments to lose interest in our planet after seeing how violent we were towards other species. And so we return to the inside of Jim's head...
"Well, no use looking towards the past", I said to no one in particular, trying desperately to ignore my well bruised ankle and my bleeding hands. The closest person who might be able to explain what was going on was my grandmother, and so I walked diligently towards her house, masochistically enjoying the pain in my ankle.
Marilyn answered the door and was greeted by a younger version of her brother. "Hi aunt Marilyn", he said. Marilyn took this opportunity to review the whole doppelganger theory and seeing as her brother was nowhere around and couldn't see himself figured that no one she actually cared about was in any immediate danger. "Hi, can I help you?" "Yes" what she hoped was an apparition responded, "I woke up this morning and my parents were gone and some other people were living in my house, I thought Grandma might have some idea as to what was going on." Well, she thought, her grandma had been dead for quite some time, and therefore also her brother's doppelganger's grandmother. But her brain, which was trying desperately to avoid thinking to hard, decided that "ma" was close enough and so she sent him/it/demon upstairs to her mother who was lying in bed. Most of this doesn't make any sense, but neither does young doppelgangers appearing at your doorstep at 9 o'clock in the morning, so it's all good.
Jim went warily up the stairs as he watched his aunt, who he had thought to be mostly atheist, giving him the evil eye and making the sign of the cross by putting the forefingers of her hands perpendicular to one another. He turned and walked into his grandmother's bedroom. He expected to see his grandmother lying in bed reading a book, or something similar that a normal minded person does, instead she was drooling and making googily noises at the bug that had perched for a short while on her ceiling fan.
"Hi gandmom."
"Hee, hee, hee ... googily"
"Are you all right?"
"googily, hee, hee, goog - ily!"
"I came to find out why my parents disappered."
"googily, googily, goo!"
"Do stop that, it's just a bug."
"I find it rather amusing, it's a bug, and I like the sound of the word 'googily' and stop calling me grandmom."
"Why, that's who you are?"
"I'd never be old enough to his grandmother. My derilect son comes to visit for the first time in years all scraped and bloody and the first thing he does is insult me. Now come over here and help your mother up."
...In case your confused, I know I am, grandmother who has incredibly poor eyesight thinks that this young Jim is actually her son, and as for how she had been paying attention to an almost microscopic bug on her ceiling fan, well we'll just hop over that plot hole, "wee"...
"What do you mean derelict son, I visit you and take you out every weekend grandmom." I said, which was mostly true.
"Well I should think, you of all people would take the time out of his busy schedule to come visit me from his house at 1354 ocean drive, beaches, new jersey."
"Thanks Grandmom, that's all I needed to know."
I walked over and gave her a kiss goodbye, to which she replied "ahhhh", and proceded to make the sign of the cross and start praying. I left hurridly, since college was starting in a few weeks and without my parent's signature on the bill I was in deep shit.
I didn't have a car at this point, and the only person I knew who might be willing to drive me to New Jersey was my girlfriend Kim. I'll skip the dull part where I walked the rather long walk to her house, and so here we are at her front door. I knocked. Thankfully Kim answered the door. "Hi, you probably don't know me, but I'm your boyfriend, at least in some dimension, or probably and more likely in my own imagination because gosh, your beautiful. Really, not just in the I'm a guy trying to get laid sort of way, but in the I deeply respect you and your inner beauty which outshines the brightest sun sort of way. Anyway, I woke up this morning, and my parents disappeared, or more accurately moved to New Jersey, and even more accurately 1354 ocean drive, beaches, New Jersey. And so, not only to abate my total confusion and possible delirium, but also to fulfill that general urge all college boys have in the need to know the location of their parents in case of money and laundry troubles, I'd like you to drive me there." Since I had made that entire spiel up on the walk to her house, you know the part I skipped a minute ago, I managed to finish that entire speech without recognizing the fact that this was an amazingly bad time since Kim was stripped down to her bra and was entertaining Jerkface, and yes his name was Jerkface because I say it is. Anyway Jerkface came over to Kim, kissed her seductively on the back of the neck, looked up at me and said, "whose this dip shit?" I kicked him in the ankle, punched him in the face with the assuring sound of nose breaking and front teeth cracking, and punched his gut, knocking the air out of him. Kim, who saw who the obviously better suitor was, or just for the general principle of hitting people while they were their down, kicked him in the nuts, dragged his collar towards her, and slapped him squarely on the cheek with a convenient pop of his jaw bone. I'd like to say I then doused him with lighter fluid, set fire to him, and watched gleefully as he danced in agony trying to put to fire out, but eventually lost to the flames, fell down, and screamed, a lot, but that would be wrong. Kim looked up at me, smiled, and said, "Ok, just gimme a minute, I've got to get dressed." I smiled lovingly back at her. We were on our way in about a minute.
Kim was vaguely unsettled by this whole set of events. She had called her now ex boyfriend over to break up, and things got sorta out of hand. Of course he had flowers, they always have flowers. She sat him down. She sat down. She started, "I hate you, you son of a bitch, and I never want to see you again." which sounded strange coming out in a completely calm tone of voice. He just kissed her and started taking her clothes off. "No, get out, now." She was calm, she was in crontrol, her blouse was on the floor. Now he was moving lower. "If you don't stop now, I'll call the cops." Still calm, still in control. Now he was reaching under her skirt. "Ok, I'll just be killing you now." Still calm, in control, premeditated homocide was a good idea. There was a ring of the doorbell. She pushed him away, and went to answer it. It was a strange guy, that looked like he had a bad run in with a lawn ornament, asking her to drive him to New Jersey. She would have said no, but he took the initative she hadn't and beat up her now ex boyfriend for her. Not to appear the helpless victim, she kicked him, her ex that is, a few times for good measure then left him in agony in the middle of the street. Now she was taking, what was his name again? Oh Jim, to New Jersey because that's what the voices in his head we're telling him to do. The only question she was asking herself now, "Was I better off with the other lunatic?"
Kim turned to me and asked, "So...Jim, where are we going again?"
"1354 ocean drive, beaches, new jersey"
"Oh, you know how to get there?"
"No"
"You got any money for gas"
"No"
"What's your sign?"
"Virgo"
"Good enough for me."
"So who was that guy you were with?"
"Let's not talk about him, what's this about you being my boyfriend in another dimension."
"That's it, nothing to explain"
"Oh...have you talked to anyone about this?"
"About what"
"This other dimension of yours?"
"Everyone I've seen so far."
"And no one's dragging you kicking and screaming to the nearest mental intutition?"
"We'll there was this lawn ornament, but other than that, no one"
"Ok, so, what do you propose to...zzZZZzzzZZZzzz"
"Kim, are you? why is the divider getting closer? AHHHHHHH"
"...To do about this." She said, unconsciously correcting the steering wheel.
"You just fell asleep."
"Oh did I, I have a slight case of, what's it called?"
"Turrets? Arachnophobia? Neuroticism? Narcolepsy?"
"That it, Naraleps...zzZZZzzzZZZzzz"
"How did you get Narcal...AHHHHHHH, KIM WAKE UP"
"Narcolepsy? What about it?"
"You said you had it?"
"Oh I did, I've been sleeping really badly lately, and I've been under a lot of stress: bad breakup, college starting, bills, parents, evil psychiatrist...zzZZzzZZzzZZ"
"Evil psychiatrists...AAAAAHH, oh forget it."
Ignoring the fact that I had no idea how to drive, I managed to pull the car over, got Kim situated semi-comfortably in the passenger seat, and precariously set off for New Jersey.
Kim had a normal dream, in that most of her dreams were strange and this was a strange dream. First off, the entire dream was in split screen, which is strange in of it self. The top half was black and white, and everything was going rather mundanely in that half. The bottom half looked like it had been produced by a team of writers, directors, produced, actors, and various other movie people, best boy grip for instance, that had individually smoked, inhaled, and injected enough narcotic substances to keep the entire group of drug runners on the south-west border living comfortably until the next millennium. The problem was she couldn't tell in which half she belonged, so she just got a box of crayons out and started coloring a new universe on top of the whole thing. Some sun here, a little moon there, a smidge of universal peace, and the wiping out of every debilitating disease to top off the picture. She then stuck it firmly over the whole shebang with a thumbtack in each corner and smiled and nodded at it. Everything was going fine until somebody dropped a cupcake with a lit candle on it and set the whole thing on fire. Then the two halves started melting together, but instead of worrying about it, she just let her pretty picture melt into the mess and continued to smile and nod at it.
My ears perked up when the guy on the radio said, "Researchers in South Dakota have found a new method for treating all types of cancer, many feel that it was due time South Dakota was recognized for something and are eagerly anticipating cures for other rampant diseases from other states that most people don't pay any attention to. In other news, a group of alien ambassadors, that look an awful lot like gnome lawn ornaments, have landed at the headquarters of every major world power and forced us to sign a universal peace treaty. Unfortunately, Socio-Political-Religious wars still continue in Afghanistan, Ireland, Jerusalem, Pakistan, and the formally defunct USSR among other places that nobody seems to remember the name of. In other news, it was Big Birds birthday a few days ago, here's to giving everyone's favorite yellow bird wishes for a great year!" Radio sources had really gotten out of hand lately. I turned off the radio and gently shook Kim awake. "Kim, we're almost there."
"Hunh, oh, New Jersey."
She turned over and went back to sleep.
I pulled over to the house. It definitely looked like my parents dream house. It was quite a neighborhood. The quota 2 and a half kids were playing in every front yard. The shore was a little bit away, but not to far. There was room for two cars, side by side, in each driveway. The siding and lawns looked like they could take care of themselves. All in all, it was a dream area, with property taxes enough to send most blue-collar workers into an early grave. Kim woke up, sorta, and half followed, half sleep walked, with me up to the front door. I rang the doorbell. It played "a dream is a wish your heart makes..." I heard someone from inside yell "Coming..." Diana answered the door. "Hi Diana, do Jim and Terry Albert live here?"
"How did you know my name?"
"I.... read it in the advertisement."
Actually, I didn't, in fact I hadn't seen or heard a single advertisement for anything other Microsoft's latest Operating System, "Window's LA", which stood for last attempt. Windows was being clobbered by an open source startup project called "Views" which ran every program from every operating system flawlessly and efficiently. Anyway, Diana was a friend of my parents and I had said her name without thinking.
"Oh... just a minute, who should I say it is"
"Jim Al....Finley."
"Just a minute, I'll get Terry"
After she walked up the stairs Kim tapped me on the shoulder and asked: "Did we get married while I was sleeping, because you just gave her my last name as your last name, wait...it would be the other way around if we we're married. How did you know what my last name was?"
"If I try to explain it, your head might explode, so let's just say I'm stalking you."
I heard vague whispers of "not again" coming from Kim when I saw my mom walking down the hallway.
I'd like to think there's a rational explanation for everything. No matter how deep and complicated, it would be nice to think that there is a reason for being alive. And then you wake up one morning, and everything you know is gone, and you kinda start to wonder about the whole divine plan thing. The dog sitting next to me seemed happy enough, wagging its tail and smiling with it's tongue jumping up and down. Maybe dogs had the whole life thing figured out. Get somebody to feed you and pay attention to you, and that's all you really need. I had been sitting there, petting the dog, for the past hour. My heart felt reunion with my mom didn't go as I had hoped it would. After the initial confusion of, "you know, you look at lot like my husband when he was younger." She proceeded to start sobbing, and then the baby she was holding started crying, then the dog started yelping. It was a very noisy moment. Well, Kim sat her down, passed the baby onto Diana, shooed the dog away, and tried to comfort her. Between "uhh-uhh-uhh" noises and sympathy chants of "there now, everything's going to be all right." I was able to learn that 1.) Mom had no idea who I was, which left me back at square one, 2.) Her and dad were separated and she had no idea how she was going to take care of a baby boy and her little girl, currently at school, and 3.) In a whole women empowerment thing Diana had kicked her husband out and taken mom and her kids in. A dog's life is so uncomplicated.
Kim took me aside,
"You sure you want your life to be normal again? It seems to me like this whole 'I'm from another dimension thing' has been working to your advantage so far."
"I like that dog, he's a happy dog."
"Are you listening to me?"
"Vaguely, you wanna get a dog?"
"I hate dogs."
The dog, who had started curiously sniffing her hand, walked away dejectedly.
"Now listen, you dragged me into this mess, and I'm gonna see it through whether you stink it out or not."
"What do you want me to do, snap my fingers and make everybody happy?"
I experimentally snapped my fingers, and for one brief instant the world was perfect. Everything made sense, there was no complication, no pain, no sadness, not even the slightest hint of anything uncomfortable. For the first time in the history of humanity there was a perfect understanding of what happiness truly was, and it was so complete that no one could describe what they were experiencing because there was no sadness to compare the euphoria to. As one, the people of the world let out a collective "ahhhhh." which toppled a few buildings, destroyed a small section of the rainforest, killed a few thousand people, and made the gnome alien's blink.
"That was incredible Jim, do that again..."
I was now snapping my fingers as fast as I possibly could. Everything makes sense, world perfect, no pain, complete understanding, "ahhhh", genocide a couple of races, destroy the rainforest, yadda yadda yadda. Then my fingers started swelling from the constant dislocation of my joints and I was forced to stop.
"Wow."
We all stared at one another, for a while, and then Kim found the rails she had been on and hurried on with her bickering.
"That was all fine and dandy, but how does that solve any of our problems."
I smiled.
"What do you want me to do, snap my fingers and make everybody's problems disappear?"
I snapped my fingers. A loud booming voice from out of nowhere said, "You have used up all of your godlike powers, insert 26 cents to continue..." "Damn," is said, "anybody have a quarter and a penny?" Everybody looked at me funny, funnier than usual anyway. Somebody, lets say the dog for instance, said "Pennies we're done away with a couple of years back, when everybody realized that if we just make all prices and taxes multiples of 5 than you wouldn't need them anymore." Ah well, it looks like this has to get done the hard way.
"So what do I need to do to make everything better?" I asked everyone in general.
Mom said, "I'd like to have my husband back, get a decent, enjoyable, and well paying job, and lose about 50 pounds."
Kim said, "I'd like to become a famous actress, and be swoon over by adoring fans everywhere."
Diana said, "I'd like my son of a bitch husband to get off his ass and get a real job."
The baby said, "wahhhh...hee, hee...goo, goo"
The dog said, "woof"
I said, "I'd like Douglass Adams to write another book in his 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy', but he's dead, and my dream will never come true so why should any of yours?!"
"Actually, they found another one on his computer after he died, it's coming out next month." Kim responded.
"...shit...Ok, I'll do it, I'll solve all your problems, but I'm going to need help..."
The doorbell rang.
"Well, that was right on cue."
Enter a little girl, about 12 or 13 walked into the now very confused state of affairs. Her name is Maryanne, but everyone calls her Mary or sometimes "evil possessed devil child from hell." But that was only once, and it was her insane grade school principle who thought all good little boys and girls were "evil possessed devil children from hell." She has since been let down.
"Hi everybody, what's going on?"
Everybody started talking at once and it sounded something like, "asdflujhdfYOUafsadfkhARElkjhfglkjGOINGlkjhfdgfdTOjhsfglkjhROTkjsdfglINlusdfgHELLasdfjuh."
"Well thanks Mr. Satan, now lets try that again, mom you go first."
"these two nice people showed up, I don't really know why yet, because I had a nervous breakdown, and they were trying to help, and so..."
"STOP! Next...Diana"
"I have no idea."
"WORTHLESS PEON! Next...you, tall girl with the long brown hair."
"I came here with this guy who was looking for his parents, only I seemed to have gone a little bonkers since then. Did anybody mention the whole godlike powers thing yet?"
"INSOLENT FOOL! Next...you, the guy that looks like he's been rolled over by a spiky rock."
"Can I say anything that won't upset you?"
"NO! Next...dog"
"We we're all staring at your endless beauty and humbly concering ourselves with the state of affairs your life is in, oh gracious master."
"CORRECT! Come here boy, good boy, you want a puppy treat, yes you do, yes you do, awww, that's a good boy."
Mary left to get a puppy treat for the dog, who cheerfully padded after her.
"Well...she's nice." Kim and I said at the same time.
When she came back in, Diana tackled her, pinned her to the sofa, and we repeated, more or less verbatim, what had been said during the past hour.
"Cool, I always wanted a brother, in fact I wished for one for my birthday couple months ago." Mary said,
"Hmmm, I'm sensing a plot development." Kim said
Mary continued, "Anyway, Diana you get your husband and get him back here by 9:00 tonight. Mom, you go take a relaxing hot bath. Kim, you take my little brother Michael outside and play with him for a bit while Jim and I figure out how to get everything back in order."
"Yes maam!"
"From this point on the the story splints into three parts, which will eventually be ties back together. However, with the whole time being linear thing I can't really tell all three parts at once and I like the having a choose your own adventure aspect, so you decide what part you'd like to hear next."
Everyone looked around trying to figure out where the narration was coming from, as a scantily clad showgirl and spot light appeared out of nowhere.
[start the music - A Little Spanish Flea]
"In story arc #1 Diana will go on a thrilling chase after her son-of-a-bitch husband in an effort to find him a job and get his life back in order."
[applause]
"In story arc #2 little sister Mary and big brother from another dimension Jim wil flesh out a plan to solve everyone problems and possible take over the world."
[applause]
"In story arc #3 Kim and baby brother Michael will go on a completely random adventure that has nothing to do with the plot in any really meaningful way but is really cool anyway."
[applause]
[Start do doo, do doo music - a.k.a. Jeporday Music]
"Will you choose story arc #1, story arc #2, or story arc #3?"
Story Arc #2
The day had somehow gotten impossibly beautiful. The birds weren't just singing, they were harmonizing. Various insects we're performing impossible acrobatic acts in mid air. Every flower in sight was in full bloom, yet not a single mote of pollen was in the air. And, there even seemed to be the merest hint of a smile on the brightly shining sun. There were no cars or blaring music to pollute this serene atmosphere. Kim giggled when a butterfly landed directly on Michael's nose as he was playing with the invisible things in the air around him. She started humming and she walked him around in the fresh air.
I'll always remember the touch of the child,
This special child,
It is fleeting.
For a child's touch never lingers
And it is as real, as it is sweet
Those tiny searching fingers
Help me always to remember
Should touch less times there be
That through this child
This wondrous child
You touched me!
Michael started crying. Mostly because babies always react adversely to Broadway musical songs, since they have an innate knowledge to the pure evilness of them which is somehow lost by the time they get dragged to the theater a couple of times, but also because he had been jostled around a bit too much, along with three garbage cans, a bike, a sign post, a little old lady with a walker, and a lawn ornament, as Kim put on her show. However, Kim wasn't paying him, or the angry home owners around her, any attention because a man in an expensive business suit had started clapping.
"That was incredible! You sure are...graceful. And your voice was like a choir from Heaven! You wanna be in a play?"
Kim, who was usually very level headed, decided to switch to airhead mode for a little while because it was such a damn beautiful day outside.
"Ok"
She wordlessly got into his limousine, with baby Michael still crying in her arms, and they drove away. Luckily, the limousine was sound proof, or else her ego would have been shattered when someone in the angry mob behind her shouted, "Alleluia, she gone!" And everyone went into a song and dance number that involved a lot of clapping and spinning in midair, enough to put any gospel group to shame.
"So, what musical is it?" She asked as they drove along.
"It doesn't really have a title. Pappa bear to Pink elephant - We've got a number #45, est. 3 minuets."
"Who are you and where are we going?"
"Never mind mamm, Charlie here is going to blindfold you, don't ask question and everybody stays happy."
She looked woefully at Charlie, an imposing but bald man wearing dark sunglasses, who had appeared out of nowhere into the seat next to hers.
"Ok, so what do you want me to do now?"
"Never mind mamm, we'll be there shortly."
"This is Pappa bear, we're turning onto fifth and Atlantic right now."
She felt the car swerve. Charlie tapped 'Pappa bear' on the shoulder.
"I thought she wasn't supposed to know where we were going."
"Oh, shit. Kim...fifth and Atlantic are actually code words. Pretend you didn't hear them. This is Pappa bear, we're heading down fifth towards Broadwalk"
The car swerved again, Charlie tapped again.
"Oh shit. Kim..."
"Yeah, I know code words, I'll just pretend we're not heading towards that warehouse. And by the way, who every heard of a plastic wrap blindfold?"
They smacked their foreheads simultaneously, which they apparently had been doing a bit too often lately, because it was enough to knock them both out. Luckily, 'Pappa bear' had stopped shortly before in front of an ominous looking warehouse, so Kim got out with Michael fast asleep in her arms. She tried the door. Locked. So she pressed the buzzer on the intercom next to the door.
"Yeah, is that you Dick?"
"Yeah...(In a lower voice) I mean yeah, I've got the 45, open up."
"Isn't Charlie there? Thought he had a key?"
"(normal voice, under her breath)Damn...(low again)Uhh, no, he hit himself on the forehead and knocked himself unconscious."
"Son of a supreme deity, is he ok!? You want me to send Bernie up to look at Him?"
"No, definitely not, he's got ummm ... extreme ... ummm ... flatulence, just let him sleep it off."
"You wouldn't be some guy trying to pretend he's Dick, because Mike still hasn't gotten around to hooking up the security cameras, and this reception is so bad you could be just about anybody."
"I can honestly say no to the that question."
"Ok, come on up."
She heard a snick as the pressurized latch opened up. She went in. She didn't see blinking halogen lights paneled overhead. She didn't see a long hallway with air conditioning fans spinning ominously in the ceiling. She didn't see long rows of gray stone with pink baseboard (why pink nobody has yet figured out). She didn't a purple spotted short neck giraffe. She didn't see anything because the lights were switched off. After a few moments of fumbling along the wall she found the switch, and was horrified at the sight she saw which unfortunately did not include a purple spotted short neck giraffe. Scary looking military type people were beating rows of potential singers, dancers, actors, and performers into submission with whips and chains. A few of the prisoners might have been enjoying it, but for the most part it was horrible and brutal punishment. Signs were posted along the walls: "No spontaneous singing!", "No spontaneous dancing!", "Those performing unrehearsed will be shot on sight!" What a friendly place she thought to herself. Michael had woken up from the commotion and was staring around looking for what ever it is babies expect when they first wake up.
"Michael, you awake? You want me to show you something?"
"Look down there Michael, that's called slavery, and that there is cruel and unusual punishment. And look over there Michael, that's brutal and abject torture at its finest! And you wanna see something really special Michael, down there is a woman struggling for air because her wind pipe's been crushed, that called struggling without hope! And over there is a dead body Michael, with it's brains spilling out from the boot shaped hole in it's head. Have you ever seen a dead body before Michael? Goochie Goochie Goo! Goochie Goochie Goo!"
He fell back asleep from over excitement. I've got to do something to save them, Kim thought to herself. She ran outside, grabbed the sunglasses and Jacket from the undercover agent, and ran back in. She tried the first door on her right, which turned out to be a waiting room. She picked up the propaganda from on the desk and read it to herself.
Does your loved one suffer from delusions of Grandeur?
Do they hum songs totally off key?
Do they Dance joyously yet ungracefully down the street?
Do they fail to convince even poor old Granny of their acting prowess?
Look no further than the Undercover Performing Montage for the help your loved one desperately needs, where they will be taught good singing, dancing, and acting techniques using sound and proven methods used for centuries by masters of the craft.
We will diligently police your streets and remove the unwanted and dangerous unskilled performers so that your citizens can live peacefully without fear of unabashed off key singing and dangerous or sometimes even dirty dancing!
Call now, don't delay!
Well, isn't that special? Kim didn't have time to ponder over this for long though because a friendly looking woman holding a clipboard came in. Can I help you?
"Yes, I've been sent by HQ to take over your high priority case, could you please take me there."
"Do you have any papers"
"No"
"Good, never trust someone with papers, they're always forged. Follow me."
Kim was led along a dark hallway with screams of torture coming from either side. Eventually they reached an ominous looking steel door, which the friendly woman unlocked.
The torturer reclined against the wall, waiting for his patient to die. He knew he had gone to far this time, but he just couldn't restrain himself. This boy needed to die, for the good of the human race or maybe even reality itself.
Kim didn't know whether to laugh or cry, it was just too much emotion. Four of the n'sync members we're bound and gagged and watching helplessly as Justin lay bleeding to death on the floor. Kim rushed over to him. He opened his eyes feebly.
"It that you Brittany? It's getting so cold and dark? I'm scared Brittany."
The woman holding the clipboard added, "Down three doors on your right, our boys had a good time with her they did."
Kim involuntarily shuddered.
"It ok, you're going to be OK, ...no...to late, he's dead."
A few moments later the loudspeaker announced,
"Good afternoon one and all. My heart is gladdened to report that Justin from n'sync is dead. May his death mark the end of the terrorism all boy bands have forced upon humanity."
Brittany screamed, "Nooooooooooo, not my snoochems!" from down the hall.
"This was shoddy. Just plain shoddy!" Kim announced to the assembled staff.
"Get all your most horrible prisoners into the counseling room right now, I'll be taking over their rehabilitation from now on, and make it snappy unless you want word of this getting back to HQ!"
The workers bolted, and the four remaining members of n'sync hopped out of the room still bound to their chairs.
In a few moments, thanks to Kim's cunning and prowess, the most fearsome gang of untalented pop stars was assembled, ready to take over the building and rescue their comrades.
The ensuing 'coup de tat' took the lives of some of entertainments most wretched and annoying performers. It was one of the biggest successes in the history of the profession. Kim was awarded a medal of heroism and bravery for not only ridding the world of its most unentertaining stars, but also bringing a completely unsanctioned undercover organization to the light of day. Her and Michael's picture appeared on newspapers throughout the country. She was given scholarships from some of the worlds finest performing and acting universities so as to better her talents in subterfuge and secrecy. When she was ready and willing, there we're numerous job offers from the government and mob alike.
Story Arc #1
It was the time of night when the clouds were just starting to take the sun from the sky. If it hadn't been a hazy part of downtown Philadelphia, it would have been a scene from an old fashioned Western. Five fairly drunk men we're celebrating the separation of one of their co-workers from his wife. Jim, Elgie, Norton, and the newbie Matthew stared red nosed and jolly faced at John who was a bit more than fairly drunk and spinning wildly in one of those spinney chairs that all back offices have. The steam-heat plant gang was a trying gang to work in. A long time ago the building had been used to power and heat the station when power could not be gotten from the power supply company. Now it was basically and archaic phallic symbol used to hold old tubes, wires, electrical supplies, chemicals, and a few stray cats. In the back, after hazardously crossing the jungle of equipment, you would come to a small windowed office with an overused and discolored microwave, a rickety chair that had been turned into a make shift recliner, a computer that could be mistaken for a rusty chainsaw if you closed your eyes, a radio that was playing the blues (Rail-roaders listen to the blues exclusively, there's none of this "I've been working on the rail-road" crap nowadays) , and a row of phones with all of the clear buttons and labels which nobody knows how to use, but everybody somehow manages to push currectly. The problem was this group of once hard-working, underpaid, electricians had been reduced to the position of a twenty four hour service desk. They waited for a call, when they got one, they would log it in, go and fix the problem, and then come back. When they weren't working they we're sleeping. There wasn't much to do really because problems happened spontaneously enough that there was ample time for napping, especially in a group that passed shifts around like beer bottles. And now the majority of them we're worrying about losing their jobs, except for Jim. Their jobs we're getting replaced with an automatic teller that would both annoy the hell out of customers and employees alike and put at least twenty people out of their jobs. Jim was safe though, In a week he would be going on disability because years of heavy electrical work had given him a pinched nerve in his right shoulder effectively forcing him out of any job he would otherwise willingly take. But that bleak future was a week away for all of them, now they we're just enjoying the celebration with their friend. John wasn't particularly happy about his separation, but not unhappy either. His son was out living on his own now, and he didn't have any responsibilities other than a squished nose cat and over active dog that his wife took care of anyway. He didn't want marriage, and he didn't want dating, like any man he wanted conjugal sex, but he would settle for the life of a quiet bachelor. He'd find a job, but he didn't have any idea what he could so other than be a rail-road electrician. Among them they had a varied set of bachelor's degrees in various fields, but had long ago forgotten the skills that some boring teacher had mumbled at them fifty some years ago. Now they knew how to fix trains (and planes and automobiles if absolutely necessary), at that was it, and the majority of transportation businesses in the area were being down sized anyway and wouldn't be willing to hire a group of old, no olding, middle-aged men who were asking for reasonable wages to support a wife and various numbers of kids. So he just kept spinning, partly because it was fun, but mostly because if he stopped now the beer in his stomach would revolt and abruptly decide to exit out the wrong end.
A loud honking outside brought them back from their deliveries.
"who's dat"
"I dunno, you go check"
"I'm not checking, don't need no supervisor seeing me drunk, you go check"
"Look at him spin..."
"Uhh, your stupid, you, yeah you, go check instead"
"him, why him?"
"why not?"
"he's a cat"
"that dosen't mean he can't check"
"yeah, but who's gonna ask him"
"Uh, kitty"
"Meow"
"Go outsite and find out who's honking"
He gave the kitty a gentle kick
"rearrrr!"
The kitty jumped up, reached waist level, and started clawing, working his way down.
"Get him off me, he's gonna claw my nuts off!"
They all started laughing, and generally ignoring the threat to their co-workers masculinity. John was still spinning.
"what the hell is going on here?"
"hunh?"
"meow?"
"Hi Diana"
"Why is my husband spinning, and why are you all drunk?"
"Well, I dunno bout the spinning, but you don't need a reason to get drunk."
"I'm not drunk." One of them said
"yes you are"
"no I'm not"
"you we're talking to a cat"
"s'not a problem less he talks back now is it?"
They considered this.
Diana grabbed her spinning husband by the shoulders.
"No!" the men shouted simultaneously.
Too late though. He vomited directly on her chest.
"You're a son-of-bitch husband, and a bastard of a man, but I love you and I want to work this out, your coming home."
She gestured to the men.
"I'm bringing the car around, help him outside. And get me a towel."
She stormed off, desperately trying to respectfully get the partially digested beer out of her shirt.
"Come on, let's help him up."
"You din'nt slur when you said dat"
"I told you I wasn't drunk"
They considered this.
They we're working their way towards the door, when Jim got a bright idea, if any ideas while drunk can be considered bright.
"Think we should push him onto the car?"
"Hunh?"
"Well, he's deserves disability payments as much as I do."
"Yeah?"
"So lets push him into the car and say he tripped on some of this stray equipment, if he get's hurt, we can say it was an on the job injury and he can get disability."
"Yeah, but we're drunk"
"Diana's the only one who knows. She may be mad, but she's not mad enough to ruin her husbands life."
"Hunh, you guys are scaring me?" John muttered
"Well if he can get disability I should get disability too"
"me too"
"and me"
"meow?"
They were nearing the door.
"Ok, on three"
"Wait, I always mess this up. Is it one, two, go on three, or one, two, three, then go?"
"Your stupid."
"One, two, three"
Diana was pulling towards the entrance when she saw three drunken men and a cat running whole heartedly towards her car. She sped forward to get past them, they all tripped, and John and Jim were left coughing in the dust. She got out got out of the car.
John, Jim, and Diana, stared wonderingly at three unconscious men and one very annoyed cat.
"Did you know that was gonna happen?" John asked Jim
"I thought it might."
"But why?"
"They got too drunk, I told them to take it easy."
"Yeah, but what about you?"
"I told you I wasn't drunk"
They considered this as they drove back into the growing night.
Story Arc #3
The rains started early that night. It seemed mother nature had decided to make up for the beautiful day with a night from hell. Lightening flashed outside as I looked out towards the ocean. Sure the ocean was a couple miles away, but that didn't mean I couldn't face the general direction and stare ominously. Mary had decided to take matters into her own hand, mainly because bratty pre-teens always want to take charge of the situation, mainly because their the least qualified and therefore the best possible choice. Currently she was spouting off theories as to why I might have appeared out of nowhere into her dimension. I was listening half heartedly.
"Aliens?"
"No, I thought of that one already, too predictable"
"Magic spells?"
"What do you need magic for when the world does wacky things on its own?"
"You sure you just aren't some crazy"
"Sure, why not?"
Mary grumbled angrily.
"Do you want to get back home or not?"
"I thought I did, now things aren't as clear. I could get a fresh start here, start things anew."
"Nope, without a past you won't be able to get a job, and without a job you'll end up as a useless bum."
"Not all of the world follows those rules, there are always strangers passing through that leave their mark and continue on."
"Onto what? What kind of life is that"
"An easy one, you just follow the wind."
Mary looked adoringly at Jim. She had always wanted a big brother, somebody to fight the bullies at school, and drive her places, and squirm annoyingly whenever she tried to play dolls with him. Now she realized, she would have to be all those things to her little brother.
"Did you have a brother or sister back home Jim?"
"No"
"Weren't you lonely?"
"All the time when I was younger, but life gets fuller and more complicated by the time you get to my age, and suddenly things like being an only child don't really seem that important in the grand scheme of things."
"To you maybe, but I was one for a long while too, and now suddenly things are different. I'm not mommy and daddy's little angel anymore, now I'm 'Mary, take your brother to bed' and 'Mary, I'm too busy to play right now'. I want my parents back."
"That's what changes when you get older. Suddenly instead wanting your parents back, you want your parents to have their lives back, you want them to be happy together, with or without you in the picture."
Mary got a little older, and I got a lot wiser. Mary's thoughts soon turned onto a new road however.
"You know Jim, You probably knew a lot of people back home."
"Not a lot, but the ones I did know, I knew well."
"Even better, you probably know a lot of things they might never have told anyone else."
"Where are you going with this Mary?"
"Well, with you knowing things, and them not knowing that you know things, you could make your knowing worth a lot more."
"Eh?"
"Well, pick somebody you know really well back home."
"That's easy, Hank, he's been my best friend since high school."
"He's never met you here, right?"
"Yes?"
"So give him a call"
"And tell him what?"
"Just let me do the thinking."
I was the worst moment of Hank's life. It should have been just a normal phone call. Instead an ominous voice on the other end had started telling him all of his deepest secrets and that if he didn't want any trouble he'd forward $200 to, wait there was a little girl yelling in the background, "No I can't ask him for a million dollars, I doubt he's even got twenty right now!" Hank interrupted him.
"Why are you doing this?"
"My little sister thought it would be a good way to make some quick cash."
"Your sister is evil, you know that?"
"Only in the relative sense. You know, your right, you're my best friend and I wouldn't want to hurt you"
"Like hell you wouldn't, I'm tracing this call, there'll be cops at your house any minute!"
"Your lying"
"Try me"
the voice told him what his address was and said that he would call Microsoft and tell him about all of his pirated software.
"Ok, you win, but how do you know all this."
"I'm stalking you?"
"I kill all my stalkers."
"Right you are, ok, I'm your best friend from another dimension but I don't exist in this one, so you've never met me before."
"I'm just gonna hang up before this gets any worse"
"Oke doke. By the way, they know, they all know."
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
Hank slammed the phone back on the receiver, huddled down on the floor and started shaking uncontrollably.
"Well, that didn't work too well." I said
Diana's car pulled up at 9:00 on schedule. We all met in the living room to work out everything. But first there was the problem of my dad. We tried to explain everything to him, but my dad is a meat and potatoes sort of guy (half a roll would even do), and so he really didn't take any of the "crap" we were giving him and just grumbled a lot as the rest of the gang talked about what he considered to be "some swindlers trying to rob them out of everything".
Diana started, "We can't all live under the same roof anymore, John and I will work everything out, but you two," she indicated mom and dad, "need to make up, and get on with your lives."
Dad grumbled, "I'll put in my share for raising the kids, but I'm not coming back, I need my freedom."
Mom was just about to start crying, but Diana gave her a hard look, and something snapped.
"I...I...I...don't care about your freedom! We've got two kids, and there's no way I'm letting them grow up without a father! I don't care what problems we've got, but your helping to raise these kids, or you can just...just...I wish..."
"Eureaka!" I exclaimed.
"That's how this all started, I had a wish, but I never finished it!"
"Well?" The group chorused.
"I wanted to wish mom and dad would get on with their lives together and stop worrying about me."
"They stopped worrying about you all right." Kim said "They stopped worrying about you in the most complete way possible, you never even existed."
"So they had problems even without me around?"
Mom sighed, "Sure, every couple has problems, but that's the lives we chose, we promised that we would be there for each other, and start our own family, and live our lives together."
Dad looked at her, I couldn't make out his expression, but I think he realized a lot at that moment.
"But there's one thing I don't understand."
"One thing." someone, lets say the dog, muttered.
"If I'm not supposed to exist why am I here."
There was a flash of light, and Jim was gone.
I'd like to say it was all a dream, but when I woke up that morning, in my own room, with the sun shining through, I really didn't know what to think, mainly because my head was pounding, and I couldn't think much anyway. I walked downstairs and opened up the fridge.
"Hi," I heard from a voice behind me.
I turned around slowly.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, your, your, your...!"
"Mrs. Berry honey, nice to meet you." she shook my hand, "who did you think I was?"
"Would you like some pancakes, honey?"
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, mom?"
"Well, who else would I be silly?"
"I'm home."
"12026 Glenfield street, unless you think college is more your home than with your dear old parents."
"Why is Lelia here?"
Mrs. Berry looked at me wonderingly, "how did you know my name?"
"Mrs. Berry and her family moved in down the block."
"Oh. Where's dad?"
"Outside talking to Mr. Berry."
I walked outside, well, more stumbled, but mostly walked. Annie was sitting on our front step.
"Hi Annie."
"Hi, do I know you?"
"My name's Jim"
"Hi Jim"
I looked at her hands, she was intently trying to read something.
"What are you reading?"
"It's a post card, your parents got it by mistake, but its addressed to me."
"Oh, really?"
"Yeah, but the strange thing is, it's really written to you."
"Hunh?"
"Let me read it to you. It says 'Hi Annie, hope you are well. We'd like you to pass a message onto Jim when you see him. Tell him the aliens are really friendly and are doing wonders with our lawns. Kim is off at college, all expenses paid thanks to a lot of unexpected events. Diana and John are back together, as are we. Thank you so much for everything, we look forward to seeing you next time there's a tear in the fabric of reality. Sincerely mom, dad, and little sis Mary from the other dimension.', do you know what any of this means Jim?"
"It means that this is the end of the story."
"Oh... hunh?"
-By Jim Albert, 2002