Note

I�m just human� I breathe, I think, I feel� I live� maybe I have breathed, felt and thought too much already that there�s nothing left to live for� I am spent, drained, emptied� I just want all this to end� I cannot bear this any longer� I have to do this� there�s no other choice� this is the only way� I have had enough� I am through� there�s nothing here for me� Nothing at all� I am gone.

Mr. Gonzaga is bewildered by the piece of paper he found on his daughter�s bed. A blanket of fear envelops him as he looks around the room. It is usually in complete disarray with clothes, books, shoes and all of her other things lying everywhere. But now it is spick and span. Following his instinct, Mr. Gonzaga walks towards the bathroom door and turns the knob. It�s locked.

�Anak? Are you there?� he calls while knocking.

There is no answer.

He knocks again, this time louder. His voice is a few notches higher as he calls again.

�Anak?! Are you there?!�

Still, no answer.

Mr. Gonzaga starts to panic, banging the door violently and calling to her but there is still no answer. He rushes to his room to get the master keys of the house. He opens the drawer in the side table but they are not there. He starts cursing incessantly as he looks from drawer to drawer. Finally, he finds them in the third drawer to the left. He runs back to her room and with cold, sweaty hands, inserts a key to the keyhole. The door stays locked. He tries another one. Wrong key again. He tries the 3rd time. He still can�t open it. He has not stopped cursing, it is only getting louder and louder. In his 6th try, he was finally able to shove open the door. It made a loud banging sound as it hit the bathroom wall and at that same moment Mr. Gonzaga freezes.

Lying on the bathroom floor, in a pool of blood, with a cut wrist and a razor in one hand is the lifeless body of his daughter�

* * *

�Martha! Have you seen it?! Have you?!� Alice squealed excitedly as she rushed towards her best friend when she saw her studying in one of the benches near the school canteen.

�Seen what?� Martha looked clueless.

�Don�t tell me you haven�t seen it?!� Alice stared at her incredulously.

�Seen what exactly?! I don�t even know what you�re talking about.�

�Hello?!? The top ten list for the 3rd quarter!� Alice looked like she was going to burst with excitement.

�They already posted it?!� Martha was suddenly filled with excitement. Her excitement turned to nervousness. She looked almost scared when she asked, �So, how was it?�

�For starters�after 3 long years Lily is no longer top 1!� Alice said with a big grin on her face.

�She�s not?! Alice are you sure?!� Martha�s eyes widened in surprise.

�Yup! No doubt about it!�

Martha couldn�t believe it. Lily has always been at the top of their class while she was always either 2nd or 3rd, there was even a time when she went down to the 5th place. In her own opinion, being 2nd, 3rd or 5th wasn�t really bad. After all, she is still one of the best in school and her classmates and teachers admired her. But she knows that was not good enough for her father.

�So�who took her place?� Martha said tensely as she looked Alice in the eye.

�You did! You�re number one! Congratulations!� Alice exclaimed

�I did?! I did! I�m number one! Woohoo! I did it Alice! I finally did it! Hahahahaaha�!� Martha was ecstatic! Both girls jumped up and down and hugged each other.

�Now you have a chance to be the class valedictorian! That�s so great! You just have to maintain your grades or do better. Your father will be very happy when he finds out about this.�

�I know! I can�t wait to tell him! Now, he can really be proud of me. Now, I can finally be good enough for him�� Martha said, a dreamy look in her eyes.

* * *

�I tried my best, Alice�I really tried�� Martha said between sobs as they talked over the telephone.

�I know�that�s okay�come on, stop crying. It�s not the end of the world, Martha! It�s not like you failed high school� you�re still going to graduate with flying colors! Being second is not bad. �Alice tried to comfort her.

�It is! At least to my father it is! He will be so disappointed! He�ll go back to treating me like I don�t exist. I don�t want that to happen, Alice� I don�t want him not to love me again ��

�Martha, don�t say that! He�s your father! He will love you no matter what. With or without a gold medal around your neck. �

�I can�t tell him I�m just 2nd place�I just can�t��

�If you want to make it wait, it�s up to you but sooner or later you�ll still have to tell him. Stop crying already� Don�t worry he�ll understand�Anyway I have to go bec---�

�No he won�t!� Martha interrupted, �He won�t understand�. because� because I already told him I am the class valedictorian.�

�What?! Why did you do that?!�

�Because I want him to love me! I want him to be proud of me! I want to be good enough for him�� Martha cried, her voice filled with agony.

�But you only made it worse� Anyway whether you to tell him or the school does he�ll eventually discover the truth. It will be best that you be the one to do it.�

�I already told you I couldn�t. I won�t.�

�But Martha, you can�t do that!�

�Why not?�

�There�s no way you can keep it from him.�

�There is. I�ll find one.�

�I don�t know what to say anymore just don�t worry too much okay? He�ll understand� Lets talk more about this later. For now I really have to go. My Dad is already waiting for me in the car. I�ll call you tonight when I get home okay? Bye.�

�I think I�ll go to sleep early tonight. I want to sleep for a long time�bye.�

* * *

�No�No� That�s not true! Daddy, tell me that�s not true!� Alice kept on shaking her head, not wanting to believe what her father just told her.

�I�m really sorry�they we�re not able to save her. She lost too much blood already when her father found her.� He said as he tried to hold her in his arms when she started to get hysterical.

�Nooo!!! Marthaaa!!! I was just talking to her! I was�I left! Daddy I left her! She needed me but I left! I am so sorry� Martha, I am so sorry!!! I shouldn�t have left! I should have stayed with her! It�s all my fault!!!� Alice kept on crying and screaming.

�No�It�s not your fault. Don�t blame yourself.� Her father insisted.

�It�s my fault�If I didn�t leave this will not happen�I am so sorry��

For 3 straight days, she cried nonstop. Even during the nights, her faint whimper could be heard. There�s nothing else she would say but the words �It�s my fault�If I didn�t leave this will not happen�I am so sorry�� Her father was starting to get worried but one morning when he went to check on her, she seemed fine. Her eyes were no longer puffy and she even managed a smile when he brought her breakfast. He was so relieved. He was afraid she had already gone crazy.

The day after that when Alice�s father was out she decided to tidy up her room. She worked almost all morning. Making sure everything was clean and in order. When she was done she sat on her study table. She got a pen and a piece of paper and started writing�