Nanay

�Where�s Nanay?� she asked her cousin Tom.

�Tita Lina brought her to the hospital this morning.� He answered while flipping channels and munching on his last bite of banana cue.

It wasn�t much of a surprise because Nanay had been having difficulty breathing since the day before. She knew that there was something wrong and that her grandmother needed to be brought to the hospital again.

She went to her room, placed her school things on top of her study table and walked to the closet to change clothes. After changing she proceeded to the kitchen to look for something to calm her grumbling stomach. She found a few pieces of pandesal and some cheese in the fridge.

While eating, thoughts of how she would be able to go to the hospital occupied her mind. She wanted to go but she would be having her NEAT exam tomorrow and she couldn�t go there alone. She needed someone to accompany her. Unfortunately, the only adult left in the house was her drunkard uncle so she figured she would just have to stay at home.

She was in the living room with Tom, doing her assignments when the phone rang and her uncle who, as usual, was drunk answered it.

�Hello?� her uncle said in a loud voice. He was normally very loud when drunk so it caught her attention when his voice became very low as he spoke again.

�When?� he said, his face looked odd as he listened to the person on the other line. After a few seconds he silently put down the phone.

She tried to ignore him and concentrated on what she was doing as he just sat there looking at his feet. A feeling that something was terribly wrong kept nagging at her guts but she tried to disregard it because it was making her feel nervous.

After a few minutes her uncle spoke again.

�Nanay�s gone.� He said quietly and then he walked towards his room.

�What did Tito Carlos say, ate?� Tom asked

�I don�t know.� she answered.

She was lying. His words were very clear to her but it seemed that her brain was having a hard time to process the idea. She just stared at her notebook as her heart started to beat erratically.

A few minutes had passed and her uncle suddenly came barging out of his room, shouting madly at them. �Hoy! Weren�t you listening?! Nanay�s gone! Do you even understand what I'm saying?! Nanay�s dead! She left us! She�s gone!�

Her whole body went numb and for a few moments. The idea hit her with a renewed sense of reality. Then like hearing a gunfire signal her mind went racing a hundred thoughts per minute.

This can�t happen! It just can�t possibly be. This is all a mistake. Everything will be all right. Nanay willl be fine�She�ll be home in a few days or weeks just like before. She�ll get better and everything will be back to normal. Tito Carlos is too drunk, he probably just misunderstood what whoever called said. He�s crazy! Maybe I should tell Nanay when she comes back that we should bring Tito Carlos to the Mental Hospital.

She looked at Tom. He looked terrified and he started crying.

�Why are you crying?!� She whispered to him furiously, �Stop that! Don�t believe him. He�s just drunk okay!�

He continued crying and it started to get louder and louder that she wasn�t able to stand it anymore. She closed her notebook and left him in the living room. She went to her room and slammed the door behind her.

He�s so stupid! How can he believe that drunkard! Stupid! They�re both stupid!

She slumped on the bed and returned to doing her assignments, trying hard to ignore the faint sound of Tom�s crying.

Half an hour later her older cousin, Maxine entered the room.

�Dress up.� Maxine said in a strange tone, �We �re going to the hospital."

It was almost nine o�clock, she knew it was way past the hospital�s visiting hours but she didn�t say anything. She didn�t want to ask. She was scared. As she reached out to open the closet she noticed that her hands were shaking. She clenched them into tight fists trying to control their almost violent shaking.

�Move faster. We�re leaving now.� Maxine added before leaving the room when she noticed that she was still standing in front of the closet.

They left as soon as she got dressed. The only person left in the house was Tito Carlos who was still drinking when they went out. Even Tom came. Had it been any other time, she would have laughed hysterically at his puffy eyes and mucus covered face. She would have teased him until he cried like a baby and he would have run to Nanay to tell on her. But it was not any other time...

and Nanay was not there.

In the cab, everyone was quiet except for Tom who had not stopped crying. The only audible sounds were the car�s engine and Tom�s muffled sobs. Her Tito Jerry sat at the front seat. Maxine, Tom, Joan and her sat in the back. She glanced at Maxine but she was facing the window and shadows were covering her face. Her gaze shifted to Joan but she quickly looked away as soon as she saw the look on her face.

Joan looked very tensed, almost on the verge of tears. It frightened her.

She started praying.

Please God don�t let this happen. Don�t take Nanay. Not her. Please don�t take her. Please�I know you wouldn�t take her. You wouldn�t possibly do that. I know you wouldn�t. Everything will be all right. She�ll be okay. She�ll get better. She�ll be fine. Tito Carlos was just drunk� She did not die. I know you wouldn�t let her die�

Tears started to well up her eyes. She tried to hold them back as she continued to tell herself that there was no reason to cry. She furtively wiped it dry before it could wet her cheeks.

They arrived at the hospital a few minutes later. Even before they reached the entrance she could already sense the familiar hospital smell and the depressing feeling it brought. She had already grown accustomed with that smell. Whenever Nanay was hospitalized, she always stayed with her. After school she would go with her Tita Lina to visit Nanay everyday. There were even times when she would spent nights there, especially during weekends when there are no classes. She had already memorized the names of all the nurses in the ward.

They went up the flight of stairs. She had come to know these stairs so well. She can probably even walk from the entrance up to Nanay�s room with her eyes closed shut. But at that moment, for some reason, it doesn�t feel the same.

There was an indistinct sound from afar. It slowly became clearer as they neared the place where Nanay was. And as the clearer the sound was the faster their steps became.

They were almost running when they reached the corridor. The sound was coming from the farthest room in the left. It was a voice of a woman crying hysterically. She could hear her heart pounding madly against her chest. They rushed to the room as fast as they could.

The first and only thing she saw was her mother hunched over Nanay, wailing uncontrollably. She knew there were other people in the room but she could no longer see them. Tears blurred her vision. She couldn�t even remember how she ended up lying in the hospital bed beside her grandmother's body.

She was cuddled to her, crying on her shoulders. Just as she did when her father left them� when her mother remarried� when her best friend moved away� when bullies in their neighborhood would call her names � and all the other times that she was hurting. Nanay would raise her hand, caress her hair and gently pat her shoulders until she stopped crying.

She closed her eyes and waited for that comforting touch.

It never came. She didn�t stop crying.

Nanay�s lifeless body was not yet that cold. She could still feel some warmth in it. Maybe that should do for now.

She�ll just try not to think.

She�ll try not to feel.