My Love/Hate Relationship with Writing
Amanda Ramirez
ENGL 1100.47

I have to admit, I have not ever really been the "writing" type. I have never really enjoyed sitting down to begin a paper, knowing that the next day the paper would be due for English. I would always procrastinate when writing English papers and would hate to hear the words, "You have a paper due..." come out of my teacher’s mouth. All this was true until recently, when my boyfriend went to Iraq for seven months, and letters or e-mails were basically our only communication. I now appreciate writing papers and find them fairly enjoyable to do.

When I was a little kid, I definitely had the worst handwriting imaginable. "Chicken scratch" was a relief to read compared to the way I wrote. This made me ashamed to write things and turn in my homework because my writing was so awful. One day in third grade, I remember a girl wrote a note to another girl, and I saw my name in it. After the other girl read it I saw her throw the note in the bathroom trash can, so I went into the bathroom and got it out. I mainly remember the note saying, "Amanda has the ugliest handwriting I have ever seen!!" Ohhh, I was so mad that I wanted to go to stomp on her foot or something. Back then, if somebody ever said something like that, I would get so upset and mad. After that day, I went home every night and just practiced over and over writing down different words and sayings so I would improve my handwriting. I would have to say that this situation, combined with a few other things, is what started my hatred for writing.

As I started getting older and my handwriting began to develop into a much neater style, I started getting compliments on how nice it was. This helped me to enjoy writing just a smidgen more. I wasn’t so self-conscious about people reading my "rough" drafts and it made me feel a lot better to know that somebody actually admired the way I wrote. When I finally got to high school, I would dread the day that a paper was due, and I was such an awful procrastinator that it was not even funny. Every first week of school, for all four years of my high school career, we always had a "What did you do over the summer?" paper due. I always hated those. They had to be at least two pages long, and I always thought they were the most annoying things. I would wait until the night before it was due to even start on it. Every year, I swore I would not procrastinate on next year’s paper, but, of course, it never worked out. I remember the paper I hated writing the most was my senior project paper. It had to be eight to ten pages about the product of my project, which was research on Type 1 diabetes. Since I have diabetes, I demonstrated how to give myself a shot. I loved doing the product part of the project, but the paper was the one thing I dreaded and absolutely hated to do. Things began to change for the better when my boyfriend, Matt, left for Iraq, and then my whole attitude towards writing changed.

Matt is a Marine stationed in Norfolk, Virginia. While there, he works on helicopters and fixes the things wrong with them. While in Iraq, he flies the helicopters, usually to transport people around. When Matt left during my senior year of high school, I learned how to express myself freely and write my thoughts and feelings down on paper. Until then, I never realized how much I actually enjoyed writing all my thoughts and expressions down. While my boyfriend was in Iraq, we would not have had such a strong relationship if we did not communicate as much. We e-mailed each other every day and wrote letters about twice a month. I would have to say I got so "obsessed" with receiving mail from him that when I would open the mailbox or check my e-mail and saw that I had something from Matt, I would get butterflies. In a way, it was like he was with me at that moment. I checked the mail everyday; it even got to the point where my parents stopped checking the mail because they knew I would get it.

Now that I think about it, I probably enjoyed writing and receiving letters more than I did e-mails. To me, letters have so much more physical meaning. The other person took time to sit down and write and then had to go put it in the mailbox. Most likely, they even had to buy a stamp just so they could send the letter. Even when I got e-mails and phone calls, I thought letters were more romantic and had a lot more meaning and thought put into them. I remember my favorite parts of his letters would be when I turned the envelope around to open it, and there would sometimes be "SWL" or "SWAK" along the seal. "SWL" means "Sealed With Love" and "SWAK" means "Sealed With A Kiss." My favorite thing to receive would have to be packages, though. I love opening a package, not knowing what will be in it. Even if it is just a letter and maybe some candy or a picture, I always feel receiving a package is a way for somebody to show me that they really do love me and took the time out of their day to put something together and send it to me. I think the whole time Matt was in Iraq, I received about three packages. That was good for him, though, because he always stayed extremely busy, and sending letters was hard enough for him!

Other than the fact that he was away from me, some of the content in his letters also encouraged me to write. It was like he was a completely different person when he wrote. He would always express himself to me, and I love it when a person can do that. He would tell me how much he loved me and explain how he felt towards me and how much he wanted to be with me. Matt would always tell me how much he enjoyed receiving letters from me and how special it made him feel. He really loved reading what I had to say, and telling me this made me enjoy writing letters even more. I think it is so cute when I write letters because I love to be creative. I try to make them appealing with the different pen colors that I use and sometimes I even buy decorative stickers and stamps. Usually when I am sad or mad I use a red or black pen. Whenever I am happy and excited I use pink, blue, or green pens. I remember that, last year, my favorite card I ever made Matt was for Christmas. I used green and red pens –- Christmas colors -– and drew all different kinds of holiday pictures around the card. It was just really cute and it even amazed me to see that he had kept it. He kept every letter I sent him, and I did the same. To me, that means a lot... my letters actually meant something to him, he did not just throw them away when he was finished reading them.

I even remember when he got back from Iraq he had kept all my letters that I sent him inside a box that I sent him once with all his Christmas and birthday presents in. That was kind of sweet because I always had a heck of a time sending boxes, not to mention the fact they were sooo expensive!! Once I had one of his big packages all taped up and the postal guy said he had to search the box before he could send it. That kind of frustrated me because I had everything organized the way I wanted it and I had to stay at the post office for about an extra twenty minutes. Something I always do when writing my letters is take my time. I want to make sure my handwriting is the best it can be –- I have always been weird about that kind of thing. Ever since that note I found in the trashcan, I think I have had subconscious thoughts about my handwriting and how I needed to make it better. Throughout the years, I began getting compliments that I had "really pretty handwriting," and I believe that also eased my hatred for writing.

Usually whenever I sit down to put my thoughts and expressions down on paper, or to write a letter, I notice the writing style I use most is stream of consciousness. I always tend to write what is on my mind rather than planning on what to write. For one paper I had to do for English, we could use any writing style we wanted. It could be about any topic as long as it was five pages long. I used stream of consciousness and wrote about my life, a mini memoir I guess, and this was my favorite paper I ever had to write. I think that may be why I like to procrastinate when it comes to writing English papers – because they usually have to have purpose and order. I am the type of person who likes to write down what is on my mind at that exact moment. I think Matt has the same writing style as I do because when I read his letters and e-mails, I notice that he jumps from one subject to another, then back again, just as I do.

Since I began writing letters to Matt, I have figured out writing letters to my friends and family whenever I need to "talk" is the best way to get all my true feelings out. Also, I began keeping a journal that I usually write in every day to get all my thoughts and feelings out. It is so relieving to sit on my bed and pull my journal out when I have had an upsetting or stressful day and to just write all my personal thoughts down. Ever since I have been writing letters to Matt and entries in my journal, I do not dread writing English papers as much. It still takes a while for me to start the paper, but once I do, ideas continue to flow out of my head. I actually enjoy writing now, and I am glad I have discovered this about myself.

Matt is leaving to go back to Iraq on Monday, September 12th, 2005. The only good thing out of this situation is that we will once again e-mail each other every day and write each other a few times a month. I will be able to write him my feelings and thoughts without worrying what he would say if I told him to his face. I find it so weird how out of a terrible situation (my boyfriend going to Iraq for a long period of time), something so amazing (the fact that I have found I actually do have a love for writing) can come out of it all.