| -There's a pizza place near where I live that only sells slices...in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air. -I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy. -I spilled spot remover on my dog...now he's gone. -I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once. He was fun when he was a puppy. I named him Stay. When I'd call him, I'd say, "C'mere Stay. C'mere Stay." -When I woke up this morning, my wife asked me if I slept good...I told her, "No, I made a few mistakes." -I lost a button hole today. -I collect rare photographs. I have one of Houdini locking his keys in his car. -I met my girlfriend at Macy's. She was shopping. I was putting Slinkys on the escalators. -When I was a child we had a quick-sand box in the backyard...I was an only child...eventually. -I bought some batteries today, but they weren't included. -If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parenthesis. -Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? -I was walking down the street and all of the sudden my prescription for my eye glasses ran out. -I installed a skylight in my ceiling. The people who live in the apartment above me are furious. -Babies don't need vacations, but I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off!! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!" -What's another word for thesaurus? -One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He asked me, "Didn't you see that stop sign?" I said, "Yes, but I don't believe everything I read." -Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. -I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening infront of it for only 8 minutes. -I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. -I'm writing a book. I have the page numbers done. -I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. -I have a friend who's a billlionaire. He invented Cliff notes. When I asked him how he came up with them, he said, "Well first I...I just...well, to make a long story short..." -I was born by C-section. You really can't tell, except when I leave my house, I go through the window. -Do you think when they asked George Washington for his ID, he just flashed them a quarter? -I like to skate on the other side of the ice. -I like to reminisce with people I don't know. -The other day I played poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died. -Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. -Today I...no, that wasn't me. |
| STEVEN WRIGHT-isms |
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| I LOVE the humor of Steven Wright. If you want to find more about Steven Wright, check out his webpage by clicking the picture above. Below are some of my favorite lines by Steven Wright. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. |
| (Photo taken from www.stevenwright.com) |