�March, 1997

Michaela sat in the overstuffed chair, trying to finish knitting a sleeper for her unborn child. The room was toasty warm from the glow of the fireplace, but outside the beginnings of a blizzard raged even though it was late March. Although she could hear Colleen and Brian reading on the couch and she could hear Sully working on the crib in the back room, her thoughts drifted away, blocking out the noise as she thought about her child. She stopped knitting and placed a hand on her large belly and the movement within. At the feel of it's little feet kicking her, a soft smile lit up her face as she marveled at the life within her. She was in her eighth month, but she still could not quite get over the amazement of what if felt like to be pregnant. Being a doctor she had delivered many babies, but she had never really understood what the experience was like. Right now, she felt an overwhelming sense of peace and happiness.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

Michaela was startled out of her reverie, dropping her knitting on the floor as she turned her head to the door. Colleen and Brian looked up and Sully came out of the back room. She started to get up to answer the door, but Sully motioned her to stay seated. The caller banged on the door again, loud and fast.

Sully opened the door, his right hand hovering over his axe that he always carried with him. To his surprise, Horace blundered into the room followed by Jake. Sully shut the door, but not before a cloud of snow whirled into the room with the men.

"Horace, Jake, what's wrong?" Michaela asked, struggling to rise from the chair.

"Oh, Dr. Mike, there's been a train wreck. The cars have gone off the tracks just outside of town. People are hurt or trapped. We need your help," Horace rushed.

"I'll get my bag," she replied.

"No!"

Michaela turned back to Sully, surprised. "What? These people are hurt, Sully. I have to go help. It's what I do."

"No," he repeated. "Not today. Michaela, you're eight months pregnant. I don't want you taking any chances."

"Sully!" she exclaimed, a little surprised.

"We'll look after her, Sully," Jake offered. "We won't let her do anything she shouldn't. We need her medical knowledge. We can do the hard work."

"See. I'll be fine." Michaela turned and picked up her coat and shrugged it on. She picked up her bag and headed for the door. Sully grabbed her arm.

"I don't want you to go. You shouldn't be doing this."

"I'm going, Sully. Colleen can come with me to help."

They stared at each other, arguing silently with their eyes. When Sully realised that he wouldn't change her mind short of physically forcing her to stay, he looked away and backed off. Colleen had her coat on and the two women followed Horace and Jake out to their wagon. Sully watched from the door, knowing that this was a mistake.

The snowstorm had let up some, instead of the blizzard it had been promising. The foursome reached the site of the accident forty minutes later. Smoke was everywhere. Some of the lumber to fuel the train had spilled and caught on fire. There were the sounds of yelling people, crying for loved ones, lost or trapped. Chaos reigned.

Michaela eased herself off the wagon with Jake's help. She rushed over to the car that lay on it's side, Colleen right behind her. Five people were milling about, watching as two men tried to pry open one of the car's doors. The screams of injured passengers rang out from inside the car. Jake and Horace began helping immediately. Since she couldn't help here right now, Michaela turned her attention elsewhere. Several feet away, bathed in the red glow of the fire, snow swirling around them, lay three people; two women and a young boy.

Michaela rushed to their side, dropping slowly down beside them. She grimaced slightly and Colleen looked at her carefully. "Are you all right, Dr. Mike?"

"Yes, of course," she replied quickly. She focused on the injured that lay before her. One woman was unconscious, constricted pupils and a severe head wound making her fear a concussion. The second woman was burned on the left side of her body. The lad, around ten years old, had a broken arm, broken ribs and burns on his hands and face. Michaela looked at Colleen. "I want you to find some clean snow, away from the wreck and the smoke. Put it on their wounds - it will soothe them and stop the progression of the burns. She began taking out bandages and bound the boys arm and wrist. She placed a compress on the first woman's head wound and covered her with a blanket salvaged from the debris lying around to give her some much needed warmth. She found coats and other items of clothes and covered the other two in these.

Every now and then a sharp pain would cause her to stop and gasp, but she ignored it, knowing that her duty lay with the injured, not with herself right now. With Colleen administering the snow and the three patients wrapped warmly, there was nothing else she could do for these people out here. They would have to be brought to the clinic - out here she didn't have enough of her medical supplies to treat them.

There was a shout from the overturned car. Michaela ran in that direction, pausing once as another pain seized her belly. She closed her eyes and prayed that the child would wait a little longer. She couldn't leave now. She couldn't!

Jake, Horace and the other men had succeeded in opening the door and they were pulling out the injured and dead. Three were gone, but four were not. One man was trapped, his right leg pinned under twisted metal, bones broken. Six men tried in vain to release him from the metal. Michaela looked at the man, his eyes were wide and filled with pain and fear. He seemed to know what she was going to say before she said.

"Sir, I'm sorry, but there's no way that we can get you out of here. Your leg is broken, badly. The bones have been crushed in places. If we don't get you out now, you will die here." She paused, looking at his face carefully. Seeing that the truth was dawning on him, she continued. "I need to amputate your leg. I'll make the incision here," she said, drawing her finger over the middle of his thigh. The man closed his eyes in acceptance.

Michaela stood and weaved as another pain came on. Horace caught her shoulders, steadying her. "Are you all right, Dr. Mike?"

"Yes, I'm fine. Just tired, I guess." She avoided his eyes, knowing that he would see the lie.

Colleen entered the car and saw her face. She knew right away. "Dr. Mike! The baby is coming, isn't it?"

"The baby?" Horace cried, shocked.

Michaela nodded. It was all she could do because at that moment another contraction gripped her. She turned a pasty white, trying to hold in the pain. "I'm sorry, Horace, Jake," she whispered as soon as she could talk. "I don't think I will be able to do more than help this man. I will amputate his leg with your help, but then I think I will need to go back to the clinic."

Michaela fell back against the pillows, exhausted from her efforts. As she lay panting, she was aware of Colleen and Dorothy working at the end of the bed. She could hear part of their whispered conversation. Something was wrong.

Michaela struggled to sit up, leaning on her elbows, her damp hair matted and her face pale. "Is it a boy or a girl?"

The woman and girl exchanged glances. "A boy," Colleen answered. "But, Dr. Mike" She trailed off, seeing the happy expression on her adoptive mother's face. She didn't know what to say to her.

"Sully will be so happy." She paused as she studied their expressions. "Something's wrong. What is it?"

When neither Dorothy nor Colleen responded, Michaela sat up, pushing aside the bed clothes that had been bunched up around her waist.

"Now, Michaela," Dorothy cautioned. "You shouldn't be gettin' up so soon."

"What's wrong with my son?" she demanded.

Dorothy reached out and lightly touched her friend's face. "I'm sorry, Michaela. The baby was stillborn."

If it was possible, Michaela's already pale face became paler. Her eyes widened in shock as the words sank in. "No," she whispered. "He can't be. Not my baby." She looked over at Colleen and saw tears roll down her daughter's cheek. Now she knew it was true, but she wouldn't accept it. After all, she was a doctor. It was her purpose in life to save people, even her own son.

Shoving Dorothy aside, Michaela jumped off the bed and staggered toward the small table where Colleen stood with the child wrapped in blankets. She weaved slightly, feeling very faint. Her sweat-soaked nightgown, stained with birthing fluids, clung to her body. She stepped up to the table and stared down at the bundle for a moment.

"Don't, Dr. Mike. Please," Colleen pleaded.

Michaela looked at her. "I have to save our son. I can't let him die."

She pushed Colleen aside and removed the blanket from the tiny body. She was shocked at his cyanosed skin, even though she had seen this before. Tears filled her eyes, but she wiped them away as anger took hold of her. She thumped her hand against the tiny chest, bending down to listen. There was no heart beat. She began breathing into the baby's mouth, quick rapid breaths and then more thumping over his heart. She worked frantically. Colleen could see the desperation in her mother growing.

Dorothy stepped up, trying to pull her friend away from the infant. "He's gone, Michaela. There isn't anything you can do."

Michaela turned on her. "Leave me alone!" she screamed. She continued working over her child, trying desperately to save his life. Dorothy reached over her and tried to pick up the baby. Michaela screamed, grabbing up her son and stumbling back from her friend.

She sat down in the rocking chair and cuddled the lifeless form. She began to sing to him. She rocked back and forth as she sang, looking down at the child as if he were alive. Colleen and Dorothy exchanged frightened glances.

Dorothy approached her friend. "Give me the baby, Michaela. Please, don't do this to yourself. He's gone, Michaela."

"No!" Michaela screamed. She jumped out of the chair and hit out when Dorothy tried to come close. She continued to scream, her son in one arm while the other fought off her friend. She backed herself into the corner and wouldn't let Dorothy near.

"Colleen, go down and get Sully. Hurry!"

Colleen ran for the door. She pounded down the stairs, Dr. Mike's anguished screams chasing her. She flung open the outside door and ran right into Sully who was about to enter.

Sully grabbed her arms, holding her still. "Colleen, what's going on up there? Is she all right?"

The tears came now as she faced her friend, her father. She shook her head frantically. "No. You have to come. She won't stop screaming and hitting. She won't let us take the baby"

She stopped when she saw the sudden fear and pain that came into his face.

"The baby? Why is she screaming?"

"He's dead, Sully. The baby was stillborn."

Sully froze as the world around him began to whirl violently. Dead.He?His son was dead?

Colleen grabbed Sully's arm and shook him. "Come on, Sully. She needs your help. Dorothy can't hold her by herself."

Sully followed her into the clinic, running up the stairs as Colleen went to the shelf for the bottle of ether. She grabbed a small cloth and ran back up the stairs. She entered the room to find that Sully was holding his wife from behind as she continued to struggle and scream. Dorothy had taken the baby and wrapped him up again. She looked at Colleen with a worried expression.

Colleen put several drops of the ether on the cloth and held it out to Sully. She didn't want to be the one to do it. "It's ether," she explained. "She'll go to sleep."

Sully nodded and took the cloth with his left hand as he held on to her with his right. Knowing what they were going to do, Michaela renewed her struggle to get free. She turned, hitting Sully with her fists, screaming at him that he wasn't going to do this to her. Sully ignored her cries, although they cut through him like a knife. Knowing it was the best thing to do, he pressed the cloth against her mouth and nose. Michaela stopped screaming, knowing that would only hasten the effect. She tried to break free, but it was too late. She had to inhale and when she did, she immediately succumbed.

Sully held on to her as she began to relax. Her eyes closed and she went limp in his arms. He dropped the cloth and picked her up. He carried her to the bed, on which Colleen had already placed clean sheets. He laid her down and looked at Colleen.

"Does she have another nightgown?" he asked.

Colleen walked over to a small table and picked up the one that Michaela had left there several days ago, just in case. Colleen left the room as Sully removed the stained clothing from his wife's sleeping form and dressed her in the new, clean garment. He drew the blankets up and sat down on the edge of the bed.

Holding her hand in his, he kissed it gently and pressed it against his cheek. Tears slid down his cheeks as his emotions overwhelmed him. Their baby son was dead. A second child lost for Sully. He didn't know if he could bear it, but he knew that if Michaela had died as well, he would not have been able to go on living.

He smoothed her damp hair from her face and gently, softly, kissed her lips. "Sleep well, Michaela. I love you."

He sat with her for a while longer and then went downstairs. When he entered the main room of the clinic he faced his family and Dorothy.

"Sully, we're all so sorry this happened," Dorothy said, touching his arm in a gesture of empathy. Sully stared at her blindly, then at Colleen, Brian, Matthew and Ingrid.

"Where is he?" he asked, his voice breaking with emotion.

Dorothy walked over to the examining table and picked up the small bundle. She handed it to Sully who held it carefully. Sully removed the blanket from his son's face and gazed down at the still form. His skin was a bluish colour, his hair was light brown. His limbs were straight and sturdy looking. He had all his fingers and toes. In short, he would have been a beautiful baby had he lived. Sully crossed the room and sat down in Michaela's chair. Holding his infant son to his chest, he cried.

Matthew hugged Ingrid to him, feeling the pain as well. A tear made it's way down his own cheek. Colleen hugged her little brother as both of them cried as Dorothy stood slightly apart from the group, watching their pain and devastation, feeling her own heart breaking at the sadness that had visited this happy family.

Colleen entered the room the next day, carrying a tray with some breakfast. Michaela sat in the rocking chair, swaying back and forth, staring out the window. Her hair was a tangled mess and her face was very pale.

"I brought you some breakfast, Dr. Mike," Colleen ventured, placing the tray on a table near the window. She picked up the porridge and held it out to her mother. Michaela made no move to take the bowl. In fact, she didn't even acknowledge that Colleen was in the room.

"You have to eat, Dr. Mike. You have to keep up your strength."

She waited, but Michaela still did not move. The creaking of the rocking chair was the only sound in the room.

Colleen sighed, placing the porridge on the table. "I'll leave it here for you. Please eat something, Ma." When there was no response, Colleen tried again. "You shouldn't be out of bed, Ma. Please come back to bed. You need your rest." She took hold of her mother's arm and pulled gently, trying to encourage Michaela to stand, but without a word, Michaela pulled her arm free and continued rocking, her eyes staring blankly out the window. Colleen sighed and left the room.

She went downstairs where Dorothy, Sully and Brian were waiting. "She won't eat. She's just rocking back and forth. I don't even think she knew I was there."

"The poor thing," Dorothy said softly, resting her hands on Brian's shoulders. "Why don't you and Brian go to school, Colleen. There isn't anything you can do here and it will help keep your mind off what's happened. I'll look after your ma."

Sully nodded. "Dorothy's right. You go on to school. We'll look after her."

Colleen nodded, gave Sully and Dorothy a hug and left with Brian.

The next two weeks passed slowly. Michaela closed the clinic and never left the house. She walked around in her nightdress and dressing gown, refusing to dress properly. Her once beautiful shiny hair was now dull and lifeless. In short, she did nothing to make herself look good and everything to make her appearance reflect her emotional state.

When the children were in school, she sat in the rocking chair by the fireplace and hummed or sang to herself. Her expression was often blank, a faraway look in her eyes.

The atmosphere in the house was dim. The children were quiet, with Colleen often away to tend to the people who needed medical attention, provided it wasn't too complicated. Brian often spent his time sitting on the stairs, watching his mother. Sully, too, didn't seem to know what to do. His attempts to reach through the emotional distance between them were unsuccessful. At night, when they lay in bed, Michaela refused to allow him to touch or comfort her, curling up on the farthest side of the bed or even leaving it altogether if Sully persisted. She often slept in the extra room they had for guests.

One morning Sully woke up to find Michaela already gone. He dressed and went downstairs, finding her in the kitchen seated at the table. As usual, she wasn't dressed nor was her hair combed, but at least she had made an effort to sit with them for breakfast. His biggest concern over the past weeks was her refusal to eat properly.

"Good morning, Michaela," he said cheerfully, as though nothing were wrong. He bent down and kissed the top of her head. Instantly, his wife pulled away from him. He frowned, then smiled for Colleen and Brian's benefit. "Mornin' Colleen, Brian. You goin' fishin' today?"

Brian shrugged. "I don't know. Ain't we goin' to town, today?"

Colleen served up the breakfast, adding, "I could sure use some new paper for school. Besides, it's getting awful difficult running the clinic without you, Ma. Are you coming in today?"

Michaela looked up at Colleen. Her expression cleared and she frowned. "No, Colleen. Not today."

Colleen threw a hopeful glance at Sully then continued. "Please, Dr. Mike. I can't handle all the patients by myself. I don't know enough. They need you. You're the doctor."

Michaela stared at her daughter, "No. I can't. Don't you understand? I'm not a doctor. I can't help anyone. I couldn't even save my own baby!" She was shouting now, having risen from her chair and was now backing away from her family.

Sully stood up. "Colleen's right, Michaela. You need to go back to work. You're a good doctor. The town needs you. No one could have saved our son's life. There was nothing you could do."

"No-o-o-o! I killed him, don't you see? It's my fault he died. If I hadn't gone to that train accident"

She trailed off, losing herself in the memory. Sully approached her. He tried to take her arms, to hold her, but she wouldn't allow him to touch her. "Michaela, please" he pleaded.

She shoved him away. "You don't understand. Leave me alone!"

Michaela turned and ran for the door. She threw it open so hard that it banged back against the wall and nearly shut behind her. Sully stared at the door and then turned to the kids.

"Ain't you goin' after her, Sully?" Brian asked softly.

"Yeah," Sully replied, his voice heavy with defeat. He walked to the door and had just opened it when he heard the sound of hoof beats. As he stepped onto the porch, he managed to catch sight of Michaela as she disappeared over the hill on her horse, Flash.

It had been fairly mild for the past several days, the spring sun having melted most of the snow. However, today there was a chill in the air and dark clouds loomed on the horizon. Sully headed back inside to get his and Michaela's coats.

"Where'd Dr. Mike go?" Colleen asked.

"I don't know. She rode off on Flash. I'll try to follow her. Maybe it would be best if you got Matthew, Colleen."

Colleen nodded and watched as Sully left, mounted his own horse and headed off over the hill. She hoped and prayed that Sully would find Dr. Mike quickly. She had a strong feeling that something bad was going to happen.

Michaela rode blindly, letting Flash take the lead. She had no thoughts in her head, she simply wanted to escape; the house, Sully, the children and most of all the memory of her son. The son she hadn't even had a chance to know. Pain seared in her chest and her eyes filled with tears, but none fell. She hadn't cried since the night her son died.

Although she didn't know how long she had ridden, she knew she had come a long way when she saw Oak Springs River ahead. She pulled Flash to a stop and gazed at the already swollen current. The spring run-off had created a formidable barrier of the usually calm and shallow river. Michaela knew she could not cross the river. She turned Flash to the right and followed it upstream. She came to a path that led up the embankment and guided Flash up the steep slope.

When they had reached the top, she rode along the edge until she came to a spot where the embankment was slightly cut out underneath from the current of a much larger river that had been there many years before. Michaela dismounted and looked down. About fifty feet below her was the rocky shore. Although it was swollen now, it did not come close to the edge of the embankment. She stepped back and looked around. The trees were still bare and the ground was still covered in the dead brown grass of winter. A couple of tall pines were about ten feet back from the edge of the embankment and Michaela headed toward those.

She gave Flash a hug and stroked the soft hair over her nose. Then she tied the reins up so they wouldn't catch on anything and gave Flash a slap on the rump. When the animal didn't move, she did it again, yelling at her to move. "Go, Flash. Go home."

Finally, with a look back at her mistress and a toss of her head, Flash began to walk away with a soft whinny. It seemed to Michaela that Flash knew what was happening and was reluctant to leave her alone. When the animal had disappeared from sight, Michaela turned and walked back to the edge overlooking the river. She stood there, staring down at the rocky shore feeling her pain more deeply than ever before. She felt the helplessness wash through her, the guilt, the shame and the desire to escape it all.

The sun disappeared behind the advancing clouds and still Michaela did not move. The wind picked up, tossing her hair and whipping strands into her face. She made no move to push them away or tie them back. She simply stood, staring down at the river, consumed by emotions so turbulent they made the fast moving river seem calm.

Sully rode out to their old homestead, searching the grounds. Michaela wasn't there and neither was Matthew. He rode out to their favourite spots to picnic and be together, but there was no sign of her. Sully turned his horse and headed back the way he had come, passing Willow Creek and remembering the time they had come out this way to test the water for mercury poisoning. He smiled at the memory then frowned, realizing that Michaela would not have come out this way.

He headed back for the ridge where he had seen her last. Just as he was cresting the ridge, Flash rode up, her saddle empty. "Whoa!" Sully cried, reining in his horse. He jump off and went towards Flash. The horse stood calmly, waiting for Sully. He grabbed the reins and petted the mare. "Where's Michaela, Flash? Where did you leave her, eh girl?"

The mare tossed her head and whinnied. Sully led her back to his horse and tied Flash's reins to his pommel. With one last look down the other side of the ridge, Sully headed back for home.

Colleen and Brian were outside when he arrived.

"Sully! That's ma's horse. Did you find her?"

Sully untied the reins and tossed them down to Colleen. "No, Brian. I didn't. I found Flash up over the eastern ridge. I'm going into town and getting some help. A storm is coming and your ma ain't dressed proper for this weather. We'll find her faster if I get some help."

Sully turned and rode into town. He tied up his horse outside Loren's store and entered the shop. As luck would have it, Jake was leaning against the counter, passing the time chatting with Loren. Dorothy was sitting at her desk, writing something for her paper.

"Loren, Jake, I need your help. Michaela is missing."

"Missing?" Dorothy cried, coming over to the group. "What happened?"

Sully sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "We had an argument. I tried to persuade her to go to the clinic today. She ran out and rode off on Flash. I went lookin' for her and found Flash coming back, alone. I don't know where she is. A storm's comin' and she ain't wearin' proper clothes."

"Oh dear God," Dorothy muttered.

"Of course we'll help," Jake offered. Loren nodded his agreement and added, "Let's get Hank and some of the others as well. We'll find her before dark, Sully, don't you worry."

Sully nodded at the two men. "Thanks. This means a lot to me."

The men left to find others to join the search party. Dorothy, Myra and Grace gathered together to wait for news and to comfort each other.

The search party now consisted of Sully, Jake, Loren, Hank, Horace, Robert E. and the Reverend. The men rode off to the eastern ridge where Sully had caught Flash. They decided to split up there and if one of them found her, they were to fire their gun once. Otherwise they would meet back here by sundown.

Michaela finally noticed the rain that had been falling for a short while. She looked up at the darkened sky, letting the rain wash over her face. She turned back to the trees and walked over to them, sitting at the foot of one pine and hoping that it would keep her partially dry.

She huddled beneath the branches, on a carpet of pine needles, her arms wrapped around her drawn up knees. She began to shiver as the temperature continued to drop. In no time at all she was drenched and the cold air penetrated her bones. Her shivering was uncontrollable now, her teeth chattering fiercely. She began to cry suddenly, her tears mixing with the rain drops on her face. The pain rose within her and burst forth in sobs so great that her whole body was consumed with the effort. Thunder rumbled above and she screamed her anguish up at the heavens, her voice lost within the racket of air currents colliding.

She cried for a long time, until there were no more tears left within her. She shook with dry sobs and shivered from the cold. She tried to huddle into a tighter ball, but was unable to. She had never been so cold before, but all she could think about was the boy who should have lived and Sully, who should have had the son he so desired and needed. She had taken that away from him. First Abigail and now she, had managed to break Sully's heart. Michaela did not know if Sully loved her anymore, but she did know that she could never, would never, forgive herself.

The sky darkened and Michaela knew that night was approaching. The rain continued to pound, but her shivering was lessening. Deep within her, Michaela knew she was suffering from exposure, but her conscious mind was not aware of this. The shiveringfinally stopped and she felt herself getting sleepy. She heard something and sat up straighter, paying close attention to the sounds around her. There it was again, a child's cry. She froze as the sound grew louder, the baby's cry more desperate.

"No," she cried out, clapping her hands over her ears. The sound would not go away. She heard whispering now, along with the crying. A voice, her inner voice, accusing her, blaming her for the infant's cry. Michaela screamed, getting to her feet. She stumbled forward, toward the edge of the embankment. The wind threw the rain against her, whipping her soaked nightdress against her legs. The cries grew louder, the whispering more insistent. She closed her eyes, trying to block out the sounds. She felt light-headed and swayed in the wind. She was losing her grip on reality. The voice and cries consumed her. Her anguish rose within her and erupted in a long, wail. She leaned toward the open space before her, lifting her foot to take that final step.

Jake rode along the river, wishing the rain would stop. He was soaked and cold and he wanted to go back. But it wasn't time yet and he knew he could not give up - for Sully's sake, but especially for Dr. Mike. Jake had had feelings for Dr. Mike since she arrived in town, but seeing that Sully wanted her too, he held back, not letting his feelings show. He was glad when she and Sully were married and had been happy together. He had ached for her when she had lost her child and he had harboured his own share of guilt for bringing her out to the train wreck that night. Therefore he had his own reasons for trying to find Dr. Mike. He would not abandon the search.

Having reached the portion of the river where the cliffs began to rise high above him, he pulled his horse to a stop. The river was turbulent, swirling darkly in the midst of this storm. Jake looked up at the cliffs and just then sheet lightning illuminated a figure standing at the edge of the cliff, almost directly above him.

"Oh my God," he murmured to himself. He opened his mouth to call out to her and then changed his mind. He didn't want her to know that he was there yet. Jake turned his horse around and rode back down river, looking for a place where he could get up to the top. Finally he found the path Michaela had used and he hurried to the top. He approached quickly, but when he neared the place where she stood, he stopped his horse and dismounted.

Her back was turned to him and he approached her silently. The rain and thunder hid any noise he could have made anyway. He was two feet away from her when she lifted her foot to step forward. "NO!" he shouted, grabbing her arm and pulling her back towards him.

Michaela's eyes flew open as she struggled with Jake.

"I can't let you do this, Dr. Mike. You have a family who needs you. A husband who right now is out looking for you. You can't do this."

"Let me go, Jake." Her voice was dead calm. She stopped struggling and simply stared at him. Her eyes had a blankness that frightened him. Her skin was terribly cold to the touch. His fear for her rose as he realized that she was close to death even as she stood there.

"I can't do that, Dr. Mike. This town cares about you. I care about you. I don't want to lose you either. You've got to come back with me."

Michaela suddenly kicked him. She brought her hand up and scratched his face with her nails. Jake cried out more from surprise than pain and in that moment his grip loosened. Michaela struggled harder, breaking free and stepping back. Her foot landed right on the edge of the embankment. The ground, softened by all the rain, began to give way beneath her. Terror filled her face as she looked down at the mud sliding out from beneath her and then back at Jake as she fell. She screamed, filled with fear. Now that it was happening without her direction, Michaela realised this is not what she wanted.

She leaned forward, clawing at the ground, desperately trying to find a handhold. Jake fell to his knees and grabbed her right hand. Michaela stared up at him as she lay against the rocky, muddy slope. "Please, Jake." The insanity of her emotions had faded, leaving only the shocking realization that she had almost killed herself. Now, clear-headed, she hung onto Jake's hand desperately, not wanting to die.

"I got you," Jake said between clenched teeth. He tried to pull her up, but instead felt her fingers slipping through his hand. "Hold on, Dr. Mike." Their eyes met. For one instant Jake heard nothing, was aware of nothing. Just the intense fear and anguish, the silent pleading, the realization that death was near in Michaela's eyes. Then her wet, muddy fingers slipped through his hand.

"NO! Dr. Mike!" Jake screamed, leaning dangerously over the edge to reach for her and when his hands found empty air, he leaned even further only to watch in horror.

Michaela slid down the embankment, the rocks cutting into her feet, knees, arms and face. She crashed through a small, bare bush, which ripped her nightdress and skin and spun her around. Tumbling several more feet, she hit her head on a rock just inches from the drop. Then she fell through the air, mercifully unconscious, so that when she landed on the rocky beach ten feet below, she did not feel the agonizing pain of her bones fracturing.

Jake stared with horror at the still form that lay on the beach. He waited a moment and when she still didn't move, he pushed himself up and ran for his horse. He leaped onto the back of the animal and raced back for the path. He tore down the embankment, tempting fate to trip up the horse and cause his own accident or death. Once at the bottom, he raced along the beach to the place where Michaela lay. He dismounted at a run and fell to his knees beside her. She had landed just inches from the water's edge, any further and she would have drowned.

Jake gently touched his fingers to her neck, feeling for a pulse. "Dr. Mike," he yelled, hoping to rouse her. There was no response, but his fingers detected a very faint and slow pulse. He knew there wasn't much time.

Sully rode alongside the river, squinting through the rain. It was almost sundown, he would have to turn back soon. There was still no sign of Michaela. No gun shots, nothing. Sully was devastated at the idea of giving up the search, even if it was only for a few hours.

Ahead of him the cliff rose several feet above the ground. Sully peered through the rain which continued to come down fairly heavily. He stopped his horse and stared at the river. He remembered that Jake had come this way as well, but he couldn't see him anywhere.

Suddenly, a shout reached his ears. Sully jerked his head around in the direction of the cliffs. He saw a man on horseback riding swiftly down the embankment. Sully kicked his horse into a gallop.

As he neared the spot, he saw Jake bending over the still form of his wife. Sully felt his stomach lurch as he looked down at her bloodied, scraped face and her twisted arm.

He leaped off the horse, fearing the worst. Jake looked up at him, his concern showing plainly.

Sully fell to his knees beside her. He touched her head gently, his fingers coming away bloodied. He murmured her name over and over. He checked her legs for broken bones and found none. Gently, he rolled her onto her back. He stared in shock at his once beautiful wife, her face bruised and bloodied, the skin scraped off raggedly.

"Oh, God, Michaela," he breathed.

Jake put a hand on his arm. "She's alive, Sully. We have to get her back to town. She won't make it out here in the cold."

Sully nodded and in one motion he stood with her in his arms. He could feel her warm blood against his cold skin and it frightened him greatly. With Jake's help, he mounted his horse, wrapped Michaela's coat around her and took off at a fast gallop for town. Jake headed back for the ridge where he would meet the others from the search party.

Sully rode as though the devil were at his heels. He clutched Michaela to him, hoping against all hope that it wouldn't be too late. She didn't stir in his arms, simply lay still and limp. The rain continued to come down and Sully often wondered if they would ever make it to town in time, they were so far away.

Finally, the clearing was just ahead and beyond that the dim lights of the town. Sully urged his tired horse on, racing down the main street and jumping off the animal even before it had stopped outside the clinic.

He hurried into the building, calling out for Colleen, Dorothy, anyone who might be here. Both women appeared from a back room as Sully lay the unconscious Michaela down on the examining table.

"Oh my goodness," Dorothy exclaimed upon seeing the condition of her friend.

Colleen was a little more shocked. "Ma," she cried out, rushing to her side and grabbing her hand and brushing her fingers over the pale, but bloodied forehead. "What happened to her, Sully?" Colleen's voice was filled with fear, the thought of losing another mother at the fore of her thoughts.

"She fell down an embankment. Jake was there when it happened. He tried to stop her, but he couldn't." Sully looked across the table at Colleen. His wife's life depended on this young lady's medical knowledge. While he knew that Colleen was very knowledgeable, he wondered if she knew enough to save the woman who had taught her all she knew. "Can you help her, Colleen? Do you know enough to fix her up?"

Colleen sensed his worry and felt it only too strongly herself. She didn't know if she could help her mother. If there were any internal injuries she wouldn't be able to help her. Turning away from the table, she began gathering up supplies; iodine, ether, bandages and a medical text that should help answer any questions she might have.

"What can I do to help?" Dorothy asked, placing an encouraging hand on Colleen's shoulder.

Colleen turned and looked up at the older woman, grateful for her support. "Let's get her out of those wet clothes. I'll have to examine her for broken bones. I just hope that she isn't hurt inside. I don't know how to look for that."

Dorothy nodded and turned to find a new nightgown. Sully stayed by Michaela's side, lightly stroking her forehead and whispering soothing and encouraging words to her.

Dorothy came back with a gown and towels. "Sully, maybe you should go upstairs and get a room ready for her," she suggested. Sully nodded and left the two women to complete their examination.

Colleen was shocked at how battered her mother's body was. Her right arm was injured, the bone broken cleanly. Her ribs were bruised, at least two broken and she had a severe laceration on her head that had Colleen fearing a concussion. Dorothy and Colleen washed away the dirt and cleaned the wounds. They bandaged what they could and redressed her in a clean nightgown.

Colleen looked at Dorothy as she touched her mother's forehead again. "She's so cold, Dorothy. Why hasn't she warmed up yet?"

Dorothy shook her head. "I don't know, Colleen. Why don't you look in one of your ma's books. See if you can find somethin' there to help."

Colleen moved off to do that while Dorothy laid another blanket over her friend. She was concerned about Michaela's temperature too. A body wasn't normally that cold. She worried that more might be wrong than Colleen could fix. If they wired for another doctor it might take days for one to get here and she didn't know that if something serious was wrong that Michaela had days to wait.

Sully came down the stairs just then. "Rooms ready. How is she?"

"She's resting, but she hasn't regained consciousness. She's very cold, Sully. She doesn't seem to be warming up."

Sully stared at Dorothy. His concern deepening his expression. His gaze went from Dorothy to the still form of his wife to Colleen's anxious young face. "Colleen, isn't there anything you can do?"

Colleen looked up from the medical book she had been reading. "She's suffering from hypothermia. If we don't warm her up soon, it says here she'll die," she whispered the last part, the idea terrifying her. "We need to warm her body, bring her temperature back up."

Sully stared at her a moment, shocked. Then he moved forward and scooped up Michaela from the narrow examining table. He turned toward the stairs, Michaela in his arms.

"What are you doing, Sully?" Dorothy asked.

"I'm takin' her upstairs. We need to warm her up quickly." He said no more, just turned and headed up the stairs. Colleen and Dorothy followed him up to the recovery room he had prepared earlier. Sully lay her down on the bed and then climbed on as well. He propped himself up on some pillows and then drew Michaela into his arms.

"The best way I know how to warm her up fast is to give her my own body heat."

Dorothy pilled on the blankets and soon Sully was sweating, but Michaela remain cold and still. They waited, Colleen and Dorothy pacing the floor. Half an hour later, she began shivering, gently at first and then violently.

Colleen consulted the medical tomb. "This is good," she said softly. "It says here that when the patient begins to recover from hypothermia, the patient begins to shiver as the body attempts to restore its warmth. This may last several minutes or hours."

Their eyes met and Sully hugged his wife tighter, kissing the top of her head. They put on another blanket and waited for the shivering to stop. Even though this was natural and was helping Michaela recover, Sully couldn't help but be scared by the violence of her muscles contracting in the shivering spasms. Her body was tense and stiff, then relaxed again. The constant alternating worried him more than the calm, coldness had. This seemed unnatural to him and he wished it would stop.

It was well into the night before her shivering finally stopped. Her body at a normal temperature, she quieted down and lay still. Sully eased himself from the bed and walked over to the window, opening it slightly to cool himself off. He stared out at the night, the darkened street below. Everyone in town was asleep, except for himself, Colleen and Dorothy. He thought of Brian sleeping down the hall, how much the boy needed Michaela to live. The boy couldn't stand to lose another mother and Sully was determined he wouldn't have to.

He turned from the window and looked over at Colleen who sat in a chair by the door. So young to have such a responsibility thrust upon her. He admired her strength and courage. She was a determined young lady and he knew that she would make a great doctor someday. He only wished she wouldn't have to practice the skills she had on her mother. He smiled affectionately as he watched her, her eyes closed and her head resting against the wall.

She was exhausted, they all were. Sully walked over to her and gently shook her shoulder. She came awake immediately, looking frantically toward the bed, concern on her face. "Ma," she cried softly.

"She's alright, Colleen. Why don't you go lie down. I'll stay with her."

"You sure?"

Sully nodded and Colleen smiled gratefully. She quietly left the room. Sully glanced over at the bed and, grabbing a chair, sat down on the other side of the bed. He gazed down at his sleeping wife, his hands holding Michaela's left hand as her right arm was in a sling. He looked down at his once beautiful wife, seeing only the cuts and scrapes on her face, the thick, wide bandage that covered most of her head and knowing that underneath the new, clean nightdress was a body that was bruised, cut and battered.

He had never been more afraid in his entire life than when he had seen her lying at the bottom of the embankment, her clothing torn and dirty, her body battered and bruised and bleeding. The pain he had felt when Abigail and his child had died was nothing compared to the impending sense of loss he felt when he thought of Michaela dying.

Sully brought her hand to his lips, holding it there for several moments as tears filled his eyes and trickled down his cheeks. What would I do without you? He wondered helplessly. You are my life now. I love you more than I ever loved Abigail. If you die, I will die also. He bowed his head and cried softly, praying to God that He would let her live.

Sully was awakened by the sounds of moaning and thrashing. He opened his eyes to see Michaela writhing on the bed, her face flushed and covered in a film of perspiration. He became alert immediately, placing a hand on her cheek, as her forehead was covered in bandages. She was burning hot to the touch. He got the pitcher and filled a small basin with cool water. He dampened a cloth and wiped her face. Lowering the blanket, he wiped her neck, arms, shoulders and upper chest. He did this continuously and finally she stopped moaning and fell into sleep. Her face was still burning hot and almost immediately after he removed the cloth her skin was covered in a film of perspiration again.

She was quite for maybe an hour and then began thrashing about again. Sully was terribly worried. He left the room and went down the hall to awaken Colleen.

He shook her gently by the shoulder until she opened her eyes.

"Sully?" she questioned, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. "What's wrong?"

"It's Dr. Mike. She's burnin' up. I've tried to bring the fever down with cold water, but it hasn't helped. I need you, Colleen."

The young woman nodded, getting out of bed and putting on a dressing gown. She went downstairs for some medicine while Sully went back to Michaela's side. Colleen arrived a few moments later carrying a medical book and a small bundle. She put the book on the table and opened the bundle, removing several bottles, a spoon and a needle.

"We'll try quinine first. Dr. Mike always give it to her patients when they have a fever." She filled a small glass with water and added in a measured amount of the white powder. She stirred it thoroughly and then brought it to the bed. "Hold her head up, Sully."

As Sully tilted her head upright, Colleen attempted to pour the liquid into Michaela's mouth. Although she wasn't sleeping, Michaela was unaware of her surroundings and didn't cooperate, causing most of the medicated water to spill. Colleen stopped and Sully lay his wife's head back on the pillow. Michaela moaned and tossed her head, her hand gripping the bedclothes and twisting them in her delirium.

"This isn't going to work. She won't swallow it."

"Is there anything else you can give her?" Sully asked, his throat tightening with worry.

Colleen's brow wrinkled with worry and confusion. "I don't know, Sully. I'll see if I can find something." She picked up the medical book, sat in the rocking chair and began to read.

The hours went by, soon it was morning and Colleen still didn't have an answer. Sully had stayed awake all night and now looked bleary-eyed and run-down. Michaela continued to alternate between thrashing and moaning and quiet sleep, although the quiet times were few and far between.

There was a soft knock at the door and Dorothy entered. "How is she?" she asked softly.

Sully glanced at her, but didn't answer. Colleen looked up from her book and yawned. "She hasn't slept well all night. Her fever is rising and she won't drink the quinine. I'm trying to find something else to bring her fever down, but I can't."

Dorothy looked down at her friend and she moaned in her sleep and tossed her head. She walked over to Colleen and gently caressed her cheek. "You've been up all night, haven't you?"

Colleen nodded.

"Why don't you go to bed and I'll keep looking for you."

Colleen nodded. "Okay, but wake me if you find anything, or if Dr. Mike's condition changes."

"I promise."

Colleen rose and handed Dorothy the book. She went to the bed and kissed her ma's cheek. She looked at Sully, their eyes saying more than words ever could. With one last look at Dr. Mike, Colleen left the room and went to lay down again in one of the adjoining rooms.

As the night wore on into morning, Sully became more and more restless. Finally he couldn't take it any longer. He had to do something. Michaela wasn't getting any better on her own and it seemed that, so far as Colleen knew, there wasn't anything in the medical book that would help. There was only one thing to do.

Leaving a note for Dorothy, who had fallen asleep in the chair, he grabbed his coat and headed downstairs. Mounting his horse, Sully rode out of town, toward the reservation and Cloud Dancing, the only person who might be able to help Michaela.

It was several hours later when he returned with Cloud Dancing. They hurried up the stairs to her room. Dorothy and Colleen hung back as Cloud Dancing approached Michaela. They felt they should leave, to give them privacy, but also felt compelled to stay and watch.

Dorothy watched, entranced, as Cloud Dancing touched Michaela's face, looked into her eyes and smelled her exhalations. He opened a medium sized pouched that he carried and took out several smaller ones, laying them carefully on the bedside table. Picking up one small satchel, he opened it and sniffed the contents.

"Willowbark. We will make this into a tea. It will give her spirit strength. She is very weak." Cloud Dancing spoke to Sully, but it was Dorothy who responded.

"I'll go boil some water." She quietly left the room.

Cloud Dancing emptied some of the contents into a small cup. He added a pinch of powder from a second satchel, explaining to Sully that it was thoroughwort and would help with the fever. A small pinch of geranium root powder added to assist with the coagulation of blood.

When Dorothy returned with the water, Cloud Dancing briefly nodded his thanks and mixed in the water. He stirred it around and set it aside to steep. Sully continued to apply the cool cloth to Michaela's burning face.

When the tea was ready, Sully held Michaela while Cloud Dancing administered the tea. They struggled, but managed to get the fevered patient to consume enough. Setting the cup aside, Cloud Dancing removed some fragrant leaves from another pouch and placed then in a small container. When lit, they produced a strong smelling smoke, similar to incense. He wafted the smoke around the perimeter of the bed, asking the spirits to come and fight the demon that made her ill. His Cheyenne prayer was musical and eased everyone's frayed nerves.

Sully sat by the bed, holding her hand and listening to his friend call to the ancient spirits to help heal his wife. Colleen and Dorothy watched from across the room, fascinated.

When Cloud Dancing was finished, there was nothing to do but wait. It was difficult. Brian was sent off to school, but he returned at lunch, eager to see if there was some improvement. Cloud Dancing repeated his haunting prayers, many times. The continued to administer the tea. Slowly, Michaela's fever came down.

By evening, she was only slightly warm. She rested peacefully now while Sully and Cloud Dancing sat by her side. Dorothy had taken Colleen and Brian to Grace's to get something to eat.

"She's doin' much better," Sully whispered, fearful of waking her now that she was finally sleeping.

"Yes. Her spirit grows stronger. But she still has many demons to face."

Sully looked up at his friend. "Demons?"

"You said she tried to take her own life. The spirits do not like this. She must make peace with them."

Sully nodded, understanding. He knew that things would be difficult when she got well again. That seemed far away right now. He was only grateful that she would live. That was all that mattered to him now.

Several days later, Michaela sat in the chair by the window, looking out at the street and the people walking casually by. Her heart was heavy, her body weak and her mind filled with memories. She ached inside for the loss of her child, but now she also ached with guilt. She remembered the night on the ridge, the feelings of desperation, hopeless and anguish. And she remembered what she had been about to do when the choice was taken from her. If Jake hadn't arrived when he did, she would have taken her own life.

Now, she was appalled by the idea. So agonized by grief that she would contemplate such a thing, Michaela didn't quite know how to handle things now. Everyone knew and she felt that people would treat her differently.

Thinking about this, Michaela was reminded again of her flight and the reason behind it. A tear slid down her cheek as she recalled her refusal to attend her baby's funeral. She closed her eyes, the memory filling her mind.

Michaela sat in the rocking chair, humming as she kept up a steady rhythm. Sully opened the door and stepped in, slowly, hesitantly.

"Michaela," he said softly, his voice questioning, willing her to respond. She hadn't spoken since yesterday, the day their son died.

Michaela continued to rock, staring out the window, as though she were alone. Indeed, she was alone, withdrawn inside her self, her mind closed off to the harsh reality of death.

Sully crossed over to her and gently laid his hand upon her shoulder. Michaela stopped humming, the rocking chair came to a halt. Sully took this as a positive sign and knelt down beside her.

"Michaela. Please, look at me."

She didn't move so Sully reached up and gently, his hand under her chin, turned her face toward him. The pain reflected in her eyes seared his soul. He understood her pain, understood her need to withdraw, but he also knew she needed to accept this and go on.

"You need to get dressed. For the funeral. The Reverend is waitin'."

Her eyes cleared somewhat as his words seemed to register. Michaela looked at him as though she suddenly saw him, really saw him. And in that face she loved so well was only a reminder of the pain she had brought upon. Yes, her inner voice cried, it's your fault. Your son is dead because of you!

She couldn't go to the funeral, that would be accepting that her son was dead and she couldn't accept that. Couldn't accept the pain she had caused.

Michaela's eyes filled with tears and flowed softly over her cheeks. She turned her head away from her husband's pleading look and pushed the rocking chair back into motion. As she closed off her mind again to the pain, she began to hum, softly.

Michaela remembered now. She remembered her denial and inability to accept her son's death. She hadn't gone to the funeral and she was suddenly taken with a strong desire to right that wrong. Pausing only long enough to put on a dressing gown, which was a difficult and painful task, Michaela left the room and quietly walked down the stairs. She managed to leave the clinic without anyone being aware of her presence.

People stared as she walked down the street, however. It was early, there weren't too many people about, but those that were wondered about their doctor wandering down the street in her nightclothes and dressing gown.

Loren was sweeping the porch when he chanced to look up and see her walking by.

"Good mornin', Dr. Mike. Are ya feelin' better?" he asked, genuinely concerned.

Michaela didn't answer him, nor did she look at him. Her entire being was focused on the church that was visible at the end of the road and the small graveyard beside it.

Loren was concerned, this wasn't like Dr. Mike. "Dr. Mike, are you okay?" he called as she continued on past him. Again he got no answer. Worried, Loren closed his shop door and made his way over to the clinic. Sully ought to know about this, he thought to himself as he walked.

Michaela stopped at the gate, looking over the cemetery, searching for the newest addition. She found it, over by the big tree, a tiny mound of earth already beginning to wear down from the elements. Her heart aching, her throat tight with tears, Michaela walked slowly to the small mound. She stood for a moment, looking down at the headstone. "Baby Sully" was all it said, the date of his death below. As the heart ache grew, her vision blurred from the tears and her legs grew too week to support her. Slowly, she slid to the ground, falling upon her knees as the pain of loss grew too great to be contained any more.

It began slowly, her entire body and mind consumed by the pain of loss, her control slipping away piece by piece until she shook with the sobs that came from deep within her. Her grief, bottled up for so long, and now released was raw and all-consuming. She fell forward onto the mound of earth, pain from her injuries not holding her back, fingers grabbing at the dirt as though to hold him to her once again.

Her tears ran down into the earth, leaving muddy streaks reminiscent of that fateful night. Michaela had never known grief such as this. Even her father's death and the death of her fianc� David had not touched her as greatly. She had mourned, been saddened by their loss, but she was strong and she had forged ahead through the grief to make peace with herself in the only way she knew how; through her work as a doctor.

But being a doctor had failed her this time. Her skills had betrayed her and her desire to help others had only hurt herself and those she loved. Michaela had lost faith in herself and her abilities. But this was nothing compared to the loss she felt now. As she lay upon her son's tiny grave, she felt as though her very soul were being torn away from her forever.

Sully was coming down the stairs when Loren walked into the clinic.

"Loren, I didn't expect to see you here. Is anything wrong?" he asked.

"Well, I don't know. I guess Dr. Mike is feeling better eh?"

"The fever's gone. She's upstairs, sleepin."

"No she ain't. I just seen her walking down the street to the church."

"What?" Sully was surprised and concerned, afraid really.

"She was only wearin' her nightdress, Sully" Loren seemed embarrassed about this, but felt it was important for Sully to know. Besides, it wasn't proper for any woman to be seen in her nightdress in town!

Sully couldn't think straight. Michaela had left the clinic, was walking down the street? Where was she going? What was she going to do? Sully was suddenly afraid for her safety. He thanked Loren and quickly ran out of the clinic. He ran down the street, looking every which way, trying to see where she had gone. Finally, he reached the church. He was about to run up the stairs when he saw her.

Sully froze, looking over at the graveyard. He could see Michaela as she lay on the ground, but moreover, he could hear her crying. He realized now that she had come here to say good-bye to their son. His heart ached as an invisible fist squeezed it tight. He walked slowly toward her, taking care to be quiet. He didn't want to startle her.

He stopped, slightly behind her, listening to her sobs, watching as her fingers dug into the soft earth. Tears filled his own eyes and overflowed. He ached for both of them and wanted nothing more than to help her, take some of her pain away. He knelt down, lightly taking her by the shoulders.

Michaela's breath caught as she felt him touch her. She turned her head slightly and when she saw that it was Sully she flung herself at him with a great cry of despair. Gripping his shirt with the same intensity as she had grabbed at the earth, Michaela leaned against his chest as Sully enveloped her in his embrace and added his quiet cries to her own.

Michaela returned home, gradually gaining back her strength. It was difficult to cope with her right arm in a sling, but she managed. Slowly, the old Michaela returned. The sadness began to ebb away, the days no longer dark and joyless. Colleen waited on Michaela, doing for her whenever possible. The only one who seemed to be having difficulty accepting things was Brian. He was quiet, helping out where he could, but seemed withdrawn. Michaela noticed this, knew she had to talk to him, but didn't want to rush him. When a week had passed and Brian remained the same, she knew it was time.

It was a nice sunny afternoon. Michaela had been reading up on some of her files, patients that Colleen had seen and treated. Needing a break, she went outside. Sully was working by the bard, fixing the gate. Colleen was in town at the clinic, but Brian was no where around. Michaela wandered over to the fence.

"Have you seen Brian," Michaela asked Sully, leaning on the fence rail. Sully paused in his hammering.

"Yeah, he said he was goin' fishin'."

"I think Brian and I need to have a talk."

"He's hurtin', Michaela. He doesn't understand."

Michaela paused, looking up at him. "Do you?" She felt that he did, but they hadn't really talked about what had happened. They had just seemed to move past it.

Sully looked down at his hands. "When Abigail died with our baby, I felt that a part of me had died too. I had never known such pain. I felt lost without her. Cloud Dancing saved me from my grief. The Cheyenne helped me through that loss, made me believe in life again."

Tears filled her eyes as they did so easily these days. He understood how she had felt. He did not and would not condemn her for what she had tried to do.

"I love you, Sully," she whispered.

Sully reached out and cupped her face with his hand. "And I you," he whispered back as he leaned over the fence to kiss her.

Michaela leaned her forehead against his for a moment and then drew back. "I better go find Brian." She smiled lovingly at him and set off. She knew where Brian liked to fish, especially when alone. He liked to go there to think, when something was bothering him, as was the case now.

As Michaela rounded the bend in the path she stopped. Brian was just ahead, perched on the creek bank, no sign of a fishing rod. She studied him for a moment and then approached him.

"Hi, Brian. May I join you?"

Brian nodded and looked away as Michaela slowly sat down beside him. Her ribs screamed in protest, but she ignored it. "Sully told me you went fishing."

Brian shrugged his shoulder.

"Aren't they biting today?"

"I didn't come here to fish." Brian stole a glance at her and quickly looked away again. Michaela reached out and gently laid her hand on his shoulder. When he didn't shrug it off, she took that as a sign of encouragement and rubbed his back.

"Something's wrong, Brian. I wish you would talk to me."

"It's about you, Ma." Brian sounded sad, almost apologetic. Michaela waited for him to continue. "That day, when Sully found you after you fell down that cliff. You..." he paused, his sadness building, tears in his eyes. "You tried to hurt yourself, didn't you?" His voice was barely a whisper, as though he feared reprisal for voicing his thoughts.

Michaela looked down, laid her hand back in her lap. She took a deep breath. This would be difficult, but she needed to make peace with her son and he needed to vent his feelings. She knew she had to be honest with him. He deserved that.

"Yes, Brian. I'm ashamed to say that. I was hurting, Brian. When I lost our baby I felt I had lost everything. I felt it was my fault. I'm a doctor. I should have been able to save our baby. But I couldn't, Brian, and that took something away from me. I was lost and I didn't know how to find my way back."

Brian looked at her, his tears glistening on his cheeks. "You still had us, Ma. Me, Colleen and Matthew."

Michaela cupped his cheek with her hand. "I know, Brian." She paused, gathering her thoughts. "When our son died, a part of me died too. I forgot who I was and I forgot what I still had. You are just as important to me, Brian."

"I remember when my ma died. I was angry at her for leavin' me. You told me that she loved me, that she didn't want to leave me and that you would be there for me. But you forgot about that, Ma. You forgot about me."

Michaela's heart ached to hear Brian's words. So much pain she had caused. She could only ask his forgiveness. "I'm sorry, Brian. I hurt you and Colleen and Matthew. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me."

Brian looked up at her, seeing the tears in her eyes. He wanted to forgive her, but a small part of him wanted to say no; wanted to make her feel the same pain that he had. However, he realized that she had felt enough pain already. He couldn't bear to make it worse. With a cry, he reached out and hugged her. Michaela held him, stroking his blond hair, whispering softly to him and sharing his pain.

They sat together for a long time, re-establishing their bond and trust with one another. Michaela knew that things would improve with the passing of time. Life would resume its normal pace. The pain of losing her child would lesson, but would never be forgotten. Baby Sully would always have a special place in her heart.

My Other Dr. Quinn Stories.

[ Dr. Quinn ] [ Up ] [ The Anguished Heart ] [ To Live with Fear ] [ Into the Fire ] [ The River ] [ Snowbound ] [ The Outlaw ] [ Beneath the Shadow of the Moon ] [ Avalanche! ]

Author's Note: I love this show and the characters Beth Sullivan has created. I have always been interested in writing and it seemed only natural to write my own story involving these wonderful people. I hope you have enjoyed this story. BTW, I wrote this story when I first heard that Michaela was going to be pregnant. So yes, Ingrid is still alive in it and Andrew Cook has not yet arrived. After posting this story partially completed, I had lots of comments both positive and negative that I have taken into consideration when writing the second half. I have put the whole story together now as one web page. Special thanks go to Jean M. Auel who's character Ayla taught me much about the medicinal value of herbs and plants! I found the part with Cloud Dancing difficult to write and if I made any blunders with regards to Cheyenne medicine and spiritualism, I apologize.

Disclaimer: This story is purely a work of fiction and while based on the characters created Beth Sullivan, it is in no way intended to infringe upon any copyright she or CBS might hold. No part of this story may be stored on any other system without prior permission from the author. However, a link is fine.