FIREFIGHTER'S RULE OF GRAVITY: Any tool, when dropped, will always come to rest in the least accessible place possible.
THE FIRST RULE OF EQUIPMENT: Any piece of firefighting equipment will never malfuntion or fail until (a) you need it to fight a fire or (b) the salesman leaves.
SECOND RULE OF EQUIPMENT: Interchangeable parts don't, leakproof seals aren't and self starters won't. FIREFIGHTER'S RULES OF THE BATHROOM: (a) If you have just gone to the bathroom, no call will be received. (b) If you have no just gone to the bathroom, you will soon regret it. (c) The probability of receiving a call increases proportionally to the time elapsed since last going to the bathroom.
RULES OF WARNING DEVICES: (a) The use of a siren on a firefighting vehicle while responding to a call will cause acute and total (but temporary) deafness to the drivers of vehicles in its path. (b) The use of warning lights on a firefighting vehicle while responding to a call will cause acute and total (but temporary) blindness to the drivers of vehicles in its path. FIREFIGHTER'S RULE OF LIGHT: As the seriousness of any given situation increases, the availability of light to illuminate the situation decreases. FIREFIGHTER'S THEORY OF WEIGHT: The weight of the equipment that you are about to carry increases by the square of the sum of the distance to reach the situation.
FIREFIGHTER'S RULE OF RULES: As soon as the firefighting rules are accepted as absolutes, an exception to that rule will immediately occur.
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Chief
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Is more powerful than a ladder truck.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives Policy to GOD.
Deputy Chief
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Is more powerful than a pumper.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks with GOD.
Assistant Chief
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a pumper.
Is faster than a speeding BB.
Walks on water in indoor swimming pools.
Talks with GOD if special request is approved.
Engineer
Barely clears straw huts.
Loses tug-of-war with pumpers.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by GOD.
Captain
Makes high marks on buildings when trying to leap them.
Is run over by a pumper.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Dog paddles in swimming pools.
Talks with animals.
Lieutenant
Runs into buildings when trying to leap them.
Recognizes pumpers two out of three times.
Is not allowed to use guns.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of a life jacket.
Talks to walls.
Fire Fighter
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks fire engines and equipment out of the way.
Catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
He is GOD.
-unknown author.
