Ten top ways to
tell if Martha Stewart is stalking your dog
10. There's potpourri
hanging from his/her collar.
9. The dog's nails have been cut with pinking shears.
8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.
7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia bows.
6. That telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl.
5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper
cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.
4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting
material for the birds.
3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of your
dog's crate.
2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored
virgin wool hand-knitted sweater with matching boots.
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY YOU KNOW THAT MARTHA STEWART IS STALKING YOUR
DOG IS...
1. The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans.
There's a guy with
a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Yorkie. The guy with the Doberman
Pinscher says to the guy with a Yorkie, "Let's go over to that restaurant
and get something to eat."
The guy with the
Yorkie says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy
with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead. They walk over
to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair
of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry,
Mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You
don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says,
"A Doberman Pinscher? Man replies "Yes, they're using them now, they're
very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the
Yorkie figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses
and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets
allowed." The guy with the Yorkie says, "You don't understand. This
is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Yorkie?" The guy
with the Yorkie says, "You mean they gave me a Yorkie?"
A man tried
to sell a Yorkie to his neighbor. "This Yorkie
can talk, he said, "and he could be yours for only five dollars!"
The neighbor
said: "What do I look like? An idiot? There ain’t no such thing as a
talking Yorkie."
Suddenly the
Yorkie
looked up with tears in his eyes and pleaded: "Please buy me, Sir! This
man is cruel. He never gives me enough to eat, he never takes me for
a walk, and he never bathes me! Before he kidnapped me, I used to be
a famous trick dog in Europe. I performed on TV and before the Royal
Family of England."
"Wow!," said
the neighbor, "That Yorkie
really can talk! Why would you want to sell him for five lousy bucks?"
"Because I’m getting
tired of all his lies."
Help Wanted
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the
window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must
be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity
Employer."
A short time afterwards,
a Yorkie trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He
looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to
the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea,
the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at
the Yorkie and was surprised, to say the least. However, the Yorkie
looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the Yorkie
jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said,
"I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The Yorkie
jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect
letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave
it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but
then told the Yorkie, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The Yorkie jumped
down again and went to the computer. The Yorkie proceeded to demonstrate
his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet
and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager
was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the Yorkie and said, "I realize
that you are a very intelligent Yorkie and have some interesting abilities.
However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The Yorkie jumped
down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences
that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said,
"Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The Yorkie looked
at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
Top Ten Reasons
Why Yorkies
Are Better Pets Than Cats:
10. Yorkies
will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats
will ignore you and take a nap.
9. Cats look silly on a leash.
8. When you come home from work, your Yorkie
will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for
leaving in the first place.
7. Yorkies
will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make
you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
6. A Yorkie
knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care
how you feel, as long as you remember where the can-opener is.
5. Yorkies
will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.
4. When you take them for a ride, Yorkies
will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private
basket, or they won't go at all.
3. Yorkies
will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone
take a message and get back to you.
2. Yorkies
will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play
with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look
like they're in pain.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY YORKIES ARE BETTER PETS THAN CATS...
1. Yorkies
will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out
the back door.
