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love is not 03/8/2004
He wasn�t sure why he�d had such a daydream. Usually he�d be going about his business and be thinking intensely at the same time � nothing like a daydream � just perfectly rational thought. It disturbed him. Not just the content, but also the timing, and the way it was played out in his mind. He�s simply been walking along, thinking about the tasks he had for the rest of the day, when it hit. It was almost as if the had been building up to the dream, thinking so much that his thought processes were interweaving and sprouting new ones. The problem was that he wasn�t thinking of anything that could sprout such a thing.
It disturbed him, but deep down, he knew that he liked it. He never knew that his mind could be so dark, so deviant, so destructive, so anarchistic. He was afraid of himself now � it was changing him. He felt an absolute surge of adrenaline. He looked, and everyone around him seemed small, insignificant. They could not know his simple satisfaction. The entire world had been shut out from him now. He could barely see or hear anything. He was totally immersed in himself, his mind. He was achieving immortal bliss from his mortal despair. He became vaguely aware of where he was again, and wanted to get away, to be alone. He wanted solitude and peace. Slowly coming back into reality, he tried to think of a way out, a way to be alone to think about himself and his new experiences. He could change himself now, and he was already changing for the better.
The bell rang � his class was over. He had lunch next, and did not feel like staying around to hear the rest of what the teacher had to yap about. He left. A person approached him in the chaotic hallway as he headed for the cafeteria � his eagerness to contemplate upon his new state of mind multiplied. This person, he realized, was his friend. He�d almost forgotten that his former self had had any friends. His resolve diminished. What if all he needed were friends? What good is talking to yourself, when you have all the company you need right there, in other people? No, he thought. They can�t give me what I want.
The friend spoke, �Hey, you look a little peaky � you ok?�
�I�m fine.� He responded, �Err� I�m just a little self-absorbed at the moment.�
Good, that should hold him off, he thought.
�Well, I�m going to the CAF with the rest of the guys, you wanna come with?� his friend asked.
�Uh, nah; I�ve got some important stuff to think about. You go on, I�ll see you later.� He made an excuse.
They both said bye, and he went to go and think. The rest of the day was the same � he was just as distant, mentally and physically, if not more. When he finally went home, he knew exactly what to do.
The note he left said that he was happy with his life, and his decision to end it.
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updated on Thursday July 15, 2004 06:31:41 PM