poetry

POETRY

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welcome to the poetry page. i hope my words give some insight.

ingratitude 05/6/2004

so the projector wasn�t there

i didn�t know

it was my responsibility

somebody was supposed to tell her

me, i guess

obviously my fault

so she talked to me about it

walked me down to the office there

carrying the precious cargo

two-thousand dollars, she quoted

i know better, it�s more than that

most are about 6

but i�m not worth even close to either

i�ve known that for quite a while

i�m just a hulk of flesh, fat, muscle, and nervous tissue

wrapped into one very inconvenient, but supposedly

expertly designed

package

�is this yours?�

�does this belong to you?�

she kept at those two in particular

i never even brought it more than 50 metres from its home

i never claimed such

but apparently i committed

another heinous crime

and it doesn�t matter

that�s what i fear the most

theft

framed for it, accused of it

terrified of having either happen to me

i almost broke down when she let me go back to class

good thing

nobody noticed

first time i�ve ever shed a tear

in that place

and it doesn�t matter

that i was chanting

�i�m sorry�

all the way through

in my head

it had been safe throughout the night

in their stupid little locked-up closet

i�d taken a risk

keeping my stuff there

but that doesn�t matter either

only their things do

only the wonderful projector

beautiful piece of technology

marvel of engineering

in a small, efficient package

i was helpless to your onslaught

yes

you have some power, miss

you can do anything to me right now

i�m totally defenceless

don�t have any mercy

why should you?

i STOLE something

(in your mind)

and that deserves more punishment

than what you gave me,

that little lecture

oh, all hail Ms. Marchetti!

all hail!

grace

mercy

humility

intelligence

a great leader, indeed!

what i get, i deserve

for She is just

so i must give thanks

yes, thanks, indeed.

so...

...anyways

i just think i will, now...

so, thank you ms. marchetti;

i really needed

to feel like shit today

smile 05/3/2004

megalomaniacal

egotistic

masochistic

lunatic

layman�s:

crazy fucking bastard!

so silly

stick my tongue out

laugh

joke

masturbate without the mess

nobody knows that i�m in distress

i�m laughing out loud

i�m screaming in silence

pssst!

can you hear me?

ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!

woohoo!

yay!

everything is fucked up!

isn�t it wonderful?!

can we go play now?

i wanna play!

lets go run and play soccer

it will be fun!!!

it will be fun

yeah! lots and lots of fun!

and then i wanna go home and watch a movie!

two movies! and we can have popcorn too!

and then we can go and stay up late and have a slumber party and tell scary stories

it�ll be so cool!

but i�ll have to remember i�m not a little kid

long before that

and part of me doesn�t want to be

part of me wants to stay like this

at least now i have an excuse for the things i do

and at least i know about life now

ignorance is a dual sided blade

chipped and dulled to add to the pain

but it�s hard to tell which side is worse

i�ll stay insane for now, though

stick with what i know

hope for the best

always smiling blindly

this knife is still here, let it stay 05/1/2004

how do you help someone

who is lying in bed

screaming silently, like a jet without fuel

crying dryly, like a fire hose unconnected

how?

...and what if that person is you...

yes, you

it�s impossible

if you saw it you would know

if you experienced it you would know

because i did, and i know

last night

my face contorted,

as if i were on fire,

and it�s my own damn fault

because i�ve fucked everything up

it seems fine

as usual

she probably thinks it�s fine

as usual

but i always have to feel fucked up

i always have to make others feel the same

so i�ll save her the trouble

and shun myself

she�s so beautiful

and i ponder it

that he�s probably the only other one to ever think that

and it makes me feel worse

it�s hard to do this

but i have to

or i�ll end up hurting everybody involved

i just want to be alone again

at least

then i was more a victim than a culprit

i�m fed up

of hurting people, and making people feel like they�ve hurt me

this is my statement:

i am guilty; you cannot hurt me; i can only hurt others; please do not pity me; i get what i deserve

never, ever feel like you have hurt me, offended me.

i will not allow it

that is the only thing that could keep me here

that is the only thing that will keep me from running

i want to tell it to her face

that i am going to be alone

that i don�t want to hurt her

or her friends

i want to write it to her

that i am going to be alone

that i don�t want to hurt her

or her friends

but, i�ve thought about it

i always do

i play out the conversations

i think out the emails

and i always end up not doing either

i�ll just leave her alone

if she asks

then i�ll tell her

i might cry

i want to cry

i�m a boy, dammit, boys don�t fucking cry!

what�s my problem!

TELL ME!

i just want to CRY!

the tears are coming right now

as i type these words

would you like to see my face?

i want someone to see me

to see how hurt i can be

to see how hurt a boy can be

to see how hurt a man can be

to see one cry

then maybe someone will love me...

fuck my self-pity

you just read that, so forget it now

i don�t deserve love

i want it, i want to be told

but i don�t deserve that

my crimes are too numerous, heinous

stupidity and ignorance are my only friends

the only ones i deserve

you must have read the last 3 poems

the ones that were all in one day

they were incited by a lie

a mood swing

i don�t know

maybe that�s a lie too

who cares...

i still have to leave

more than that

i�ll show her cheap blood

she doesn�t know cheap

i am cheap

i�m bigger, so there�s more to spread

thus i am cheap

MY blood is cheap

(i feel like a chicken

�cheap, cheap�

aren�t they cheap too?

bunch of stupid birds

yes, the analogy is most apt now

i sound like one, i feel like one...

hahahaha

maybe that�s why i can cry

i think i�m a boy

i�m really a chicken

a female bird

not a male human

fuck it

that�s just stupid now

i still feel like shit

i�m not a chicken, but not a fucking man either)

i�m just nothing

so, sometimes she thinks she is cheap; that is false.

she is precious, invaluable, awesome.

she must be if there are at least two people who love her.

and it astonishes me... why she doesn�t seem to acknowledge it

i don�t expect her to for me... but she seems... i don�t know

it would be nice to have mine acknowledged though

it would be nice to feel some affection

but again, this is my self-pity talking...

and now i have to go away

because it might take over some day

and then i�d be hurting people even more

making her think she�s some sort of whore

then that�d make me really thick

i�d rather chop off my own fucking dick...

...i need to throw up...

then i want to die

i�m too fucking sensitive

i love her too much

when you love something, let it go

well, i must do that now

i don�t want to, every part of me screams the opposite

but i must

all i ever wanted was to cry

all i ever wanted was someone to love

all i ever wanted was to be understood.

and when will i be allowed to hate? 04/26/2004

fuck

how dare he

raised me so coldly

never did as he should have

fucking asshole

doesn�t even deserve my hate

so now what can i do

huh?

he says he wants my company, right?

�dante! come sit with me!�

FUCK YOU

screams at me in my head

how dare you!

and the words won�t come out.

stupid respect

i hate this

he doesn�t deserve respect

and she sits there

when she�s there

but she sits and does nothing

and is the complete opposite

he treats me like shit

she treats me like baby shit

one is fascist

one is condescending

idiots

don�t even know what the parent should do

to raise a child

they know how to raise a monster

a self-pitying, resentful monster

but no child

how dare she

fucking... fuck!

my mother

i cannot curse to her name

and hate will not flow

just like with him

and dear god i had better damn fucking well have children

so i can make them feel like they�re worth the world and more

make them feel like i would die for them

be tortured for them

because i already am

and i had better damn well be able to make them feel like i will love them

after forever is over and done with

if i can�t do that, then this world is not fit for living

if i can�t be the closest thing to who they want to talk to

when they�re like i am

like i am right now

then this world disgusts me

and i�ll have absolutely NOTHING to do with it

but i have to find her first

before i can love them,

i have to love her

where is she?

when will she come?

when will i find her?

this is one shitty planet

if i can�t find someone to love

someone to NEED

someone to have those children with

and if i can�t, then i am truly, forever lost

god dammit 04/26/2004

god dammit...

i laugh!

god dammit

oh...

oh how i hate this stupidity

this manic depression!

what?!

am i using the right words?

can i write well?

do i care?!

what!?

god dammit

you say you�re hurt

i read about it

it makes me cry

i�ve already said this

so what the fuck

do you understand?

I AM TALKING TO YOU

do you understand?

you say you�re hurt

you say that you�re in pain

you�re lost

you�re helpless

you bleed

you can�t

you want out?

want mommy to hug you?

nobody else is good enough?

told me to grow up

your turn

fuck this

i hate you

i hate you for being so intoxicating

for making me love you

for making me want to comfort and hold you and tell you it�s ok to cry

and because i can�t do that

it�s already reserved for someone else

and it sounds like something�s fucked up there

like a weakness exposed

and someone else hurting

and everyone�s hurting

and it�s already been said

and

and i fucking want to help

but then i am unable

so the boundaries

make it so

and it makes me feel sick

and it is so twisted

because i was better off before

without having anybody to care about

and it�s so easy for me to cry

right now

especially

and you can�t

so what to do

is not up to me

should be up to you

not up to him

not up to them

want it to be up to her

want her to appear

yes, out of nowhere

come and let me share with her

so maybe i can stop wanting to share with you

ease your burden

because you certainly won�t make mine heavier

so i have to look elsewhere

and you know how hard that is

you know just how fucking hard it is

YOU KNOW

don�t FUCKING LIE!

YOU KNOW!

AND I HATE YOU!!!

I HATE YOU SO MUCH IT MAKES ME LOVE YOU!

think!

think how you could just let someone help you!

think about me!

how my throat burns

so i won�t cry

not now

later

so, just think about it.

maybe if you tried,

you could let somebody save you

god dammit.

(and it wouldn�t matter after

because i�m already dead.

so you shouldn�t care

because they won�t

and nobody will notice

and nobody will care

and i�ll just die

and you�ll just live

and then you�ll be happy

and i�ll have helped you.

and i can finally die

or maybe just nap)

the strong will perish 04/26/2004

and how i feel when my body is like this

when i dread to wear a t-shirt

and no, i didn�t cut again

i want to, kind of, but i won�t

no, this is much more than a few gashes on my arm

(even though the redness escaping it�s captive torture is so beautiful)

today

i came home

i got changed

i went in their room

i opened their closet

i slid out the scale

(slyly, with my foot)

i got on

227

is what it read

3 less than yesterday

18 less than a month ago

but that�s only because

i bobbed up and down for the first two weeks

i am fat

i am slowly becoming muscle

slowly becoming strong

i can feel my strength

i can feel the aches

and it is

it truly is almost as good as cutting

oh yes,

i speak of it now

like it is not a taboo

but how can something so clean,

so pure, so stimulating, so pleasing, so pretty, so...

good, in the most evil sense of the word

because evil has always been better than good

but yes, how can something like that be taboo?

then again...

i am fat.

how do you think that happened?

food is taboo...

but i am asking, why is cutting?

yes, both feel good, but this cannot harm me!

certainly it cannot!

but i am the fool.

always have been

and will be

the fool.

invincible? no one.

not me, not you, not them

no one.

and i can yearn

and strive

and obsess

but not do.

not to cut

nor anything else

but maybe i can make it

maybe, just maybe

i will show just how hard my wall of resolve can be

i am a fanatic

i will kill those who obstruct my path

i will not be fat

i will disrespect the meaning of fat, the embodiment of fat

i will not be weak any longer

the weak never perish

they kill the strong

and the strong will be tortured under my weakness.

eyes look 04/25/2004

i looked in her eyes and knew

that day, two weeks ago?

looked in her eyes and knew i loved her.

i saw the look, that look

the one she doesn�t want to show

i saw the picture she drew.

just a little sketch, with all the others

but it was an arm, covered in streaks

and it shocked me.

and i looked

i looked in her eyes

and i saw her

her shattered beauty

slashed, mangled, abused, tortured.

and she�ll deny it,

but she is

just a little girl.

a scared, lost little girl

and i can love her for that.

and if that�s not �apt�

then i can still love her

she may not be a little girl...

but she�s something

someone

who is hurt beyond belief

beyond what i know

you try.

you try and see the same look, and not feel something

not have your heart cry

nay, yell

no, scream

try and suppress that feeling

you can�t

it�s not possible

you must feel something

you must see something

you must feel outrage when you see that pain

how can you not?

how can you have apathy in the face of such injustice?

especially when it can be so easily helped.

friendship.

all it takes.

maybe a bit more than that, but it�s a start.

that�s why i know she�ll read this.

good way of spreading information, this method

she does already know, but she needs to know the reason

so i�m telling her

and if you even think that you have a single decent fibre of your being

you�ll at least feel what i feel

i 04/24/2004

i�m pathetic

i�m stupid

i have no life

and i�m cold and i�m tired and i�m sore

from this life

and i can�t help but

fuck myself over

inside

because this

won�t work

too fucked up

too much swearing

too much wrong

and i hate it

and i don�t want to be like this

thinking is stupid

but doing otherwise is deadly

not good for anyone

but i hate this

typing here

writing here

thinking here

just to get it out

to put where no one will see

and there�s still that gut-wrenching feeling

but that came recently too

the feeling of that gap

in my chest

where the weapon struck

not struck.

if it struck, it would have healed

it�s still in there

ripping through me

shredding my insides

making me laugh

making me cry

making me sick

while i die

it�s all the same

it�s not separate

i�m going to end

with all my emotions yelling at each other

vying for control

so what can i do

what can i do?

a weapon in my chest and a monster in my stomach

manipulating each other to tear me apart

and for once i can do nothing, because i have too many problems

and the corporeal world

is playing in front of me

but i�m still in it

and i am going to die

and all that i love

and all that i hate

i cannot reconcile

the transgressions i have made on them

because i am going to die

i am sixteen and one-half years of age

and i am going to die

i will probably live until i am several times my current age

but i am going to die

because that will not be my life.

just an extension of my death

because...

i am going

die

and

what

just what

should

do?

can

do?

will

do?

and i don�t know

because i am going to die

and the rest of my life will be torture

the blood in me

will be liquid torture

never able to escape me

like fire

running through me

and the darkness has already come

it seals everything carefully

makes me feel a little safer

no one can see

my pain

because i am going to die

dying now

inside

where no one can hear

me scream

i cannot hear

myself scream

my voice is gone

the void unfilled

the pain consuming

the blood frozen still

the fire burning vainly

the darkness caring with

all its might

and screwing me over inside

because i embraced it

and it embraced me

and it meant well

it would have helped me

but i was too

apathetic

and it shielded me

too well

because i didn�t feel like

actually feeling

so now,

i am going to die

i�m sorry 04/19/2004

if there has ever been a lack of something

it is mine

for a better word to describe how i feel,

love is good enough for now, even though i hate it.

i love her.

i love her...

so sad, so beautiful, so awesome.

she does incite awe, truly

and it makes me sick to feel this way

because i could start hurting another

and i would have to kill myself before i let that happen

i may have already, but i�m too afraid to

at least for now

but it does make me sick

and i just want to be held

and i just want to cry

and i�ve said that so much

but it�s true even more

it is just so true

but i can�t

because i cannot bear to hurt someone i have not met

let alone become friends with

there are so many ways to escape,

too many ways,

but all of them lead to something almost as bad

as hurting him.

maybe worse.

hurting her;

hurting both.

but who the fuck am i kidding?

nobody gives a shit, and i shouldn�t expect them to

that makes me almost as sick.

if nobody cares, so be it.

the world can kill itself, i cannot stop that

but i will stop myself from killing it

i have to.

nobody cares?

nobody cares about me?

so what.

nobody cares about you?

i do.

so shut up and let me

hate love 04/9/2004

how it would be so nice

so�

wordless, speechless

is what i am

i feel so sad

like before

i cannot say it

this language won�t allow it

so sloppy

i hate sloppiness

want to

be held

by another

hold another

cry

weep

sob

scream

but all the time,

hold

and be held

let the pain be our only relation

for we are not even human

we would lay there

let it happen

let time pass

let tears scar

let clothes wrinkle

let sleep come

let love flow

unadulterated love

we really need another word

to describe what i just said

because

i hate love

if i did 04/9/2004

i�m just so lonely

it really hurts

rips right through me

makes me cry

angry

i stopped believing in love

too destructive

too twisted

abusive, abused

but the only word to describe it

so broad, its meaning

another word

is what we need

to describe that other feeling

that feeling, the complete antithesis of loneliness

i can feel that already,

but not in the way i want

not returned

and i don�t want it either

because i�d be hurting people

i�d be loving

funny 04/3/2004

funny

how i did it again

i was looking forward to it

but also pretending

that i wouldn�t again

felt good this time

before it took a week

before i realized

i liked it

this time was instant

so easy too,

i think it was a

cutter�s cut

deep enough to be

called that

i think

next time

i�ll slash

not press

slashing hurts more

i think

so, i�ll try that

ha!

next time

i�ve already broken my promise

to myself

to her

for her

she�ll be fine, i think

pretty sure

doesn�t need me to

not do it

it doesn�t affect her

anyways

so yes,

she�ll be fine

even though she�ll see

this

and

so red

very beautiful

i lick it

like an animal

but different

because i cherish it

the pain 03/20/2004

the pain,

it hurts

of course

that is what it does

is it ironic?

no, but then again

what is?

what isn�t?

should I stop?

probably

but who�ll make me�

I love it

screw mcdonalds, old navy

fuck them all

why listen?

do you know?

do you know why I love it?

is it masochism?

the physical pain, the emotions?

maybe.

but not the thoughts,

not the stupidity,

I take no pleasure in that

when it rains, it pours�

I�ve had a fucking monsoon.

or maybe the sahara�s my backyard

who should care?

you?

do you?

why?

do I?

you should see now�

this is why, the thoughts hurt

in a bad way

they strut, their ignorance

all of them

except maybe you

but I�ll have no such luck

you�ll judge me, brand me, say with it

your anal-retentiveness, shit-faced stupidity

motherfucked accent, neo-american

you say �very good, this and that, blah blah blah�

should I care?

read this, should I care?

figure it out, should I sit here excited, waiting for approval?

think.

read this and think.

why am I writing this? composing you say

it is not my choice

it is my need, to vent; not exactly

I hate you and I couldn�t care less about you

for all I care you need my approval

to live

for your heart to beat

for your brain to work

that�s ironic, now; that truly is

your brain, if it can be called that

to work, that�s a hoot

so again, do I care?

still, I love it�

no, it is more,

more than love

obviously more than love

still, you should know, love is nothing

yes

or no

but still,

always but still

the roots of it are deep�

more than love

necessity, if possible

mixed with lust, desire, greed

so primal

yet infinitely more sophisticated

than you

and them

combined

forever

plus infinity

multiplied by everything

silly?

probably

but still, who cares?

I need evil

I feed on it

I feed on its superior

evil is just not good enough

I need more

always have

but that�s why you�re stupid

�there�s nothing more than evil�

that�s what you think

your kind established it somehow

so you know, some things can�t be explained in words

go deep�

deeper�

just keep going�

and then think,

just examine it,

passively,

let it come�

don�t fear, it doesn�t want you�

it loathes you�

it won�t hurt you, yet.

now, fear

yes

fear for your miniscule, pathetic existence�

like I said, your safety is temporary, but you have to fear�

you don�t understand it, so you absolutely must fear

you compel yourself to

you don�t hate it, you certainly aren�t in the position to anyways

you just fear it

it will hurt you after you�re dead,

and you�re doing a very good job of that yourself

like I also said, I feed off it�

so you should more than fear me,

because I�ll do more than kill you.

bloodlust 03/18/2004

it happens�

it happens every fucking year

they go away

i want to know them

they go away

i try

i try to be proper

i try to be nice

who the fuck am i kidding?

i hate being proper

i hate being nice

i hate those shitheads who don�t care

i wanna kill them

i want to see them struggle

i want them to bleed

i want them to feel the blade across their throat

the sensation is what i want

the sensation of death

of evil

of lust for it

i want freedom

i want death

i want both

no.

i don�t want it,

i need it

the fibre of my being must have it

i�ll destroy them

satisfy my bloodlust

satisfy the rage inside me

satisfy my antisoul

i will strike

strike a wound so deep

so tender

so fresh

so red

see it glisten

see them die

you will die

then i�ll go

go see them

who left

watch them

talk to some

ignore others

remember�

just remember�

love

what is love?

why is love?

fuck love.

love is nothing

lust is better

evil is best

you can�t stop it.

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