Apparently, they have the technology to fix the ozone hole

All you have to do is close down every factory in the world

And that is too much of a sacrifice

Apparently, they have the technology to make a man or woman able to fly

All you have to do is have your arms cut off and surgically replaced with wings

And that is too much of a sacrifice

Apparently, they have the technology to track down every stolen mobile phone

All you have to do is get the police to go round and arrest anyone with a stolen mobile phone

And that is too much of a sacrifice

Apparently, they have the technology to fix the millennium bug

All you have to do is sit on your arse and do fuck all

And that is too much of a sacrifice

Candle dies on a bedside table

I touch your cheek and you softly smile

You turned, asleep, but I hold you tighter

I wanna talk for awhile

At the end of the day when you’re left all alone

I’ll be there

When you’re all out of hope and you just can’t hold on

I’ll be there

I’ll be right by your side, in me you can confide

I will take it in my stride, there’s no need to hide

Cause I will be there

When the dishes stack up, and the milk gets left out

I’ll be there

When the Hi Fi’s too loud and you’re having to shout

I’ll be there

When the lights get left on and the Tim Tams are all gone

And the bill for your phone is 8 pages long

I will be there

When the chips are left on and the kitchen burns down

I’ll be there (I will be there)

When your friends move away to a whole other town

I’ll be there

When your car has been rolled and been dumped in Werabi

And your Grandma is sold into white slavery

And there’s rubble and wreckage where your flat used to be

And the wrong form gets signed and you wake up an amputee

I will be there

I will be there (You’re in my care)

I will be there ( I’ll brush your hair)

I will be there

Lighting a candle as I look into my window, to the town square.

The snow-covered streets are lonely and bare.

The town Christmas tree winks mocking at me.

Cause I should be spending Christmas with you.

I wrapped my last gift and put the cellotape away.

I checked the answering machine,

And in the distance, a choir sings

About the joy that Christmas brings

And it' making me feel blue,

Cause I should be spending Christmas with you

But it breaks my heart, cause that's the place I just can't be, cause

I hate your family.

The day I met you, I knew you could get me through.

When we're alone, my world is complete; you're all that I need.

But when your family call, the shit me up the wall

Spending time with them just makes my brain bleed.

And it's making me feel blue,

Cause I should be spending Christmas with you

But I'd rather string my nuts up to a Christmas tree cause

I hate your family.

The night I first met them, the dog was drunk.

Your father threatened me with a knife.

Your sister showed me her collection of eels

And what she did then will stay with me for life.

And it's making me spew

Cause I should be spending Christmas with you

But I'd rather drink a tumbler full of walrus wee

Cause I hate your family.

With your brother doing dick tricks at the table

I can't believe your mum asked me to play spin the bottle.

Id rather be enclosed in a box of killer bees

Id rather be attacked by giant chimpanzees

Id rather wear a suit designed by Jenny Key

Your mum is dumb, and your dad is mad.

That's why I'm so sad.

This is a song about the unsung hero of the human body. It's about how handy it is to have mucus.

Mucus I love you, cause of all the useful things you do.

You're the fluid when I'm disillusioned; you're who I turn to.

There is no secretion that is as versatile as you,

Mucus I love you, mucus I do.

Oh Mucous how do I give thanks to you cause

There’s no end to all the tasks that I’ve done by mucous

Disinfectant, insulation

Mucous you trap foreign bodies

You're a sealand lubricant, and you're a glucose

Venus flytraps they secrete, extra sticky mucus.

Also, as a mode of, transportation

Mucus you're bacteria's best friend.

Mucus I love you, cause of all the useful things you do.

You're the fluid when I'm disillusioned; you're who I turn to.

There is no secretion that is as versatile as you,

Mucus I love you, mucus I do.

Back when the earth was only young,

And we were in the ocean, life had just begun,

Primeval just another word for youse (?)

You are my ancestry

As well as what you do mucus I evolve from you.

Mucus I love you, when im feeling blue,

You can get me through, ba da da da da da

In movies such as those, made by George Lucas,

When the need to simulate, realistic mucus.

Special experts, need to be there.

Mucus you create employment.

Mucus I love you

Cause of all the useful things you do (you know you do it)

There is no secretion that is anywhere as pleasing,

That’s the reason, mucus I love you.