God knows it hasn't been easy. But even now when time has passed. But it's not like I can burn every picture I ever had of you. There always comes new. There come words I don't know if you ever said. I try to hear your voice but now it's saying all those awful things and even the most hideous comments sound logical.

I've missed you too. I missed you back then already. I felt physical pain when you weren't by my side. And you were always on my mind. You were in my every heartbeat. But eventually my heart stopped beating. I was so numb for such a long time. Now, when I slowly start to hear it again it's not the same. There's an echo like never before.

You saw me as a boy with potential. They see me as a man who has already achieved a lot. First it was comforting to have you around, like a ghost from my previous life. But at the same time you reminded so brutally of what there had been. When glamour started to turn into insomnia, fear of flying, extreme experiences, forgetting how to say sorry or I love you and actually mean it.

You knew we were heading to troubled waters. I was still confident, we'd managed so much together. It would've only been one route mark in our life to show which way we turned. But you turned me in.

You say you drink because you want to forget me. You drank when we were together. You always tried to be stronger than anyone else. And honestly I think you gave up long before I did.

I wish nothing but good for you. And I hope I could call you someday and ask how you're doing but I'm not sure I could handle it. I try to push your memory down but I can't. You keep jumping into my dreams and silly daily routines. At first I smile but then I remember and everything in me freezes.

How could I tell you things like these? You wouldn't understand that it doesn't mean I could come back to you. For that years would have to pass and you'd have to stop taking my every action as a personal insult. I didn't plan it going like this. I never planned leaving you. And I didn't expect that loving you could still hurt this much. But you're a mess. And I'm sorry that I can't fix that. I'm sorry I can't even try.

But I cried you an ocean.

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