I am taken to white, big room where he sits on white, large sofa. He's cuddled there, looking like he's not in the same world with me.

Brian Litrell, former Backstreet Boy, looks at me with a questioning look. We greet, his voice is low, it's early morning and he takes sip of coffee.

So, how has it been lately?

I guess things are good. First it was hard. It was very difficult to settle in here. So much is same and so much has changed. People are different, you meet them as they were brand new. But now I kind of feel like I've born again.

Is it like you imagined?

In a way. But as I said it's not the same. This world is so beautiful. But so much familiar is gone.

You're making music again?

When I came here I thought I would never sing again. But then again it's my mission, I just can't let it go.

Is it different than with Backstreet Boys? You wish you'd still be part of them?

There isn't Backstreet Boys anymore. So I don't know. I'm kind of happy of leaving right there and then, when our last single hit the top ten. I wish I could've been there longer, no one knows what could've happened. We had talked about splitting up and maybe it would have happened, maybe not.

Now you can't know.

It's true. It's so true.

He gets lost in his thoughts. I break the silence, I want to hear about his new relationship.

It was in the very beginning I hear her sing. Her voice is angelic.

Brian laughs.

It sounds na�ve, don't you think?

No.

But her voice is angelic. I guess that was kind of turning point. After that I found myself humming some tune, and soon I started writing songs. First just for her, but then I made a duet. We were friends, but then our feelings grew bigger and it was useless to deny.

What about Leighanne? You miss her?

Sure. I wish she'd be here. It's selfish, I know. But she stayed there, taking care of our son. That's what she had to do. Though it's been painful not to see my son

. That was your decision, right?

Yes. But still it's hard to keep. I have to think he's better off me. After all the things that happened� It's better he'll forget me as soon as possible.

His voice breaks down. I change subject. Is there anything he would have done different?

I wondered about that for a long time. When you have a chance to look back at your life like I did I guess it's unavoidable. I don't know. I honestly don't know. Even when I think about that night� No. I would have not done anything different.

You saved him. You saved Nick.

I did and I'm proud of that. It's not easy to see that he can't really appreciate it. There are reasons for that too, I know. But I wish I could tell him not to worry. That everything will be all right with him. As it is with me.

After all the sadness you can still say that.

I could spend my days feeling sorry for myself, but what good would that do?

I guess nothing.

You know that, don't you? Or other you wouldn't be here, doing this

. He's right. Sure I've had more time to get over all it. He's overcome so many things in such a short period of time that it seems unbelievable. But what about Nick?

I went to see him for a few times. But it was too much to bear. When he looked at me like I wasn't there, like he could see trough me� I was aware of that possibility but still�

He can feel you, you know.

It's not the same. I guess it hurts most to see that everything is the same but you can't be part of it. I wish he would forgive me.

Or forgive him.

He didn't do anything wrong! I wish he'd see that. I know it seems like he's ok, that he's dealing well with it but that's not true. I know him too well.

If you could go back, would you?

I feel kind of awful saying this but no. Not anymore. If that chance would have been given to me even month ago, I would have said yes, take me back. But now I have so many things in here. And the others, people I love, are slowly getting back to normal. What would it be like to go back? I don't want these memories taken away from me. I've learned so much, I'm on my way to greater consciousness, and I don't want to give it up. Selfish, maybe? Wise, I think so.

He smiles in a very calming way and I have to agree with him. Things happen for a reason, even if we don't want to believe it. But Brian has always been believer and he knows it's worthless to struggle against your destiny. It's not easy but it makes him a man he is today.

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